Irrational behavior

[tsuinosora]

Despite knowing what I should do, I can't do it. I've heard from people on this site and experienced myself SI and the frustration that comes with it.

A few minutes ago I was ready to pull the trigger (metaphorically). I planned on hanging from a door with a leather belt, but I just stood there, looking at myself, thinking about how I was so close to freeing myself. Rationally, it was the best decision. Both in the sense that death is the inevitable conclusion to life, but also when it comes to balancing negative and positive experiences. I'd also add that life itself is a problem and needs to be solved.

2026 will be a very different year for me. I don't feel prepared to deal with it - nor do I consider myself capable of doing so. Those aren't very big changes, most people go through them, but still. If had the courage to kms I wouldn't even have to experience it. Even if it ends up being an overall good experience, I'd rather not experience it. Simply being alive is bad. It is not that I want to stop saddness or overcome depression (which I probably don't have), I just want it to end, it's a waste of time. Good and bad things are bad simply because they are experiences and experiences are only possible when alive.

It is also kind of embarrassing to fail and come here to write about, but I guess it's one of the few place to do so. It was probably my closest attemp yet and I still endend up giving in to my self preservation. I could feel my body's fear, but I myself knew what should have been done, I'm not my body but still ended up following its (and my mind's) orders. It is almost as if they are conspiring against my will in spite of its rationallity.

In situations like this, I'm reminded of Adam Lanza and "his antinatalism", I wonder if he did what he did to put himself into a point of no return, so that he would find himself cornered and finally end it all. I don't think I should go out of my way to hurt people, but it might be one of the easiest ways to defeat SI and get it over with.

 

[tsuinosora]

I still could try to do it again today, hopefully I'll have the discipline to do so, but I probably won't.

If the easy way out of life is out of reach due to my incompetence, maybe I should take the other approach. Some kind of radical indifference, schizoid state of mind. Never fighting against reality, just accepting it and waiting for death. Going with the flow of the river, completely alienated, indifferent and passive. Experiencing existence through daydreams and what ifs that could never come to fruition (and should never). Complete isolation and escapism to maintain myself in the schizoid state of being, ripping apart my humanity as I start to resemble an object. Making it so the real world is a side objective to my alienation. Taking escapism and pushing it to the next level.

/watch?v=q8qZPYv100M&t

EDIT: I had the discipline, and tried again. On the moment that I lost touch with a surface, the belt ripped itself and I fell on my feet. Now I'll try again, but with another belt. I might keep updating this post.

EDIT2: I didn't even try to use the other belt, so I'm still alive. Today was by far the worst day I've had in some time, everything I tried failed even though I only tried doing simple things (mounting a USB stick and opening my PC, both resulted in incomplete tasks and problems, couldn't do neither of them). I don't even feel like doing anything anymore, I'll simply finish writing this and go to bed.

 

[liquid jen]

Interesting you mention Lanza, hearing of his (supposed) use of a similar site to this is what brought me here to begin with. I also kind of agree that he likely did what he did to corner himself into ctb.

Experiencing existence through daydreams and what ifs that could never come to fruition (and should never). Complete isolation and escapism to maintain myself in the schizoid state of being, ripping apart my humanity as I start to resemble an object.

The whole world is nearing this state I fear. Everything is shit, so it's easier to pretend that nothing means anything anymore. If we don't literally die by ctb, we spiritually die by committing ourselves to a faux-life of delusion.