I don't feel like this life is worth it for me anymore

[Kanau_Nano]

My therapist told me they think there's nothing they can do to help me. They said I've seen no improvement at all, and I need to take even more meds than I already have through the years, and I need to help myself by thinking only positive things. The meds never help, and I've tried so hard to think happy thoughts to rewire my brain, but I think my brain is unfixable. I know I'm not doing what my therapist said by thinking these things, I just don't think I can deal with this anymore. I really did try so hard to get better since I was a kid. I've had so many therapists and psychs. I went to the psych unit many times that doesn't help either. I've got so many mental illnesses listed it makes me feel so bad.

I've also just called out of my work cause it's causing me so many problems. I barely sleep, my migraines and stomach pain is worse, I feel so overwhelmingly anxious all day and stupid. Focusing on anything, but my fear is so difficult. I think I need to quit I'd probably get fired eventually anyways. It's the best job I ever had pay wise, but I'm just so pathetic I can't cope. I want to ctb so very bad, I've tried before, but just like my whole life I fail. I failed my friends. I failed school. I failed my relationships. I failed to be a good daughter, i failed to be a good sister, i failed to work, i failed myself, i failed to be normal in any way. I ruined my life and let others help ruin it. I feel so guilty.

The only reason I don't go ctb rn is my family. Every day I get closer to not caring. It hurts me to think what will happen to them if I ctb. I feel like I deserve to be punished for thinking of doing it still.

I hate myself so much I'm a waste of a life. I want to hurt myself in some way so bad I deserve it. I'm in so much pain rn physically and mentally I want it to stop

I wish there was something to help me i really do. I just can't do it myself i don't even know how to help myself, except thinking positive. I'm so tired of trying. sorry for ranting like this i just wanted to let it out somewhere. I hope other people here had good experience with therapy. I know some people that did. I'm just too far gone

 

[inara_9]

I'm so sorry you're going through all that Wish I could give you a hug... don't feel guilty for your feelings. You're already doing your best and I'm so proud of you for handling all those struggles and hardships

 

[Kanau_Nano]

I'm so sorry you're going through all that Wish I could give you a hug... don't feel guilty for your feelings. You're already doing your best and I'm so proud of you for handling all those struggles and hardships

Hard not to feel guilty when everything is pretty much my fault. Thank you though. You're very sweet

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

I hear you and it sounds like your dealing with a lot and I'm sorry that you feel this way about yourself and that's it's been a painful road of life for you.

I hope you find the help you need, whatever your looking for or a decision your satisfied with.

I'm here if you wanna talk more about your feelings. :)

My therapist told me they think there's nothing they can do to help me. They said I've seen no improvement at all, and I need to take even more meds than I already have through the years, and I need to help myself by thinking only positive things. The meds never help, and I've tried so hard to think happy thoughts to rewire my brain, but I think my brain is unfixable. I know I'm not doing what my therapist said by thinking these things, I just don't think I can deal with this anymore. I really did try so hard to get better since I was a kid. I've had so many therapists and psychs. I went to the psych unit many times that doesn't help either. I've got so many mental illnesses listed it makes me feel so bad.

I've also just called out of my work cause it's causing me so many problems. I barely sleep, my migraines and stomach pain is worse, I feel so overwhelmingly anxious all day and stupid. Focusing on anything, but my fear is so difficult. I think I need to quit I'd probably get fired eventually anyways. It's the best job I ever had pay wise, but I'm just so pathetic I can't cope. I want to ctb so very bad, I've tried before, but just like my whole life I fail. I failed my friends. I failed school. I failed my relationships. I failed to be a good daughter, i failed to be a good sister, i failed to work, i failed myself, i failed to be normal in any way. I ruined my life and let others help ruin it. I feel so guilty.

The only reason I don't go ctb rn is my family. Every day I get closer to not caring. It hurts me to think what will happen to them if I ctb. I feel like I deserve to be punished for thinking of doing it still.

I hate myself so much I'm a waste of a life. I want to hurt myself in some way so bad I deserve it. I'm in so much pain rn physically and mentally I want it to stop

I wish there was something to help me i really do. I just can't do it myself i don't even know how to help myself, except thinking positive. I'm so tired of trying. sorry for ranting like this i just wanted to let it out somewhere. I hope other people here had good experience with therapy. I know some people that did. I'm just too far gone

 

[SoverignDreamer97]

"I am a people-pleaser, but as much as I desire to please, the fact is I cannot please everyone, and can only control the things I can control, which as my mother would say: I can't bullshit a bullshitter, for "bullshit recognizes bullshit". And if that makes me a liability, why should I live? For if I die, I die; though my father, mother, and even the whole world forsake me, the Lord will bring me up."

It's time to rest, for that is the Suncha command!

 

[Kanau_Nano]

I hear you and it sounds like your dealing with a lot and I'm sorry that you feel this way about yourself and that's it's been a painful road of life for you.

I hope you find the help you need, whatever your looking for or a decision your satisfied with.

I'm here if you wanna talk more about your feelings. :)

Thank you. I wish I could find help, but it seems like I'm trapped here to be tortured. I know a spot to jump that's 400 feet with nothing below except shallow water. I think about it a lot. When I was there I looked down for a long time imagining myself ctb. I had a really bad feeling of fear in my body, but at the same time relief thinking I could easily not be in pain anymore if I just did it. I'm scared tho it would go wrong like my other ctb attempts and I'd end up paralyzed without the ability to try again. That's my greatest fear. I know it would take rescue a long time to get to me at least. I feel really bad thinking about how they would feel seeing my body. I just wish there was a better way to go. Why do I have to be stuck here in a place that I'm not made for? My family would be more disappointed in me than they already are, and really upset. I'm lucky to have a family that cares, but also it feels like a curse. I wish I could have had a normal life bad so I could make others proud. I don't really want to ctb. I like some things about living, I just feel like my misery outweighs any happiness by a lot. It's extremely difficult to enjoy anything. Life doesn't even feel real at times.

"I am a people-pleaser, but as much as I desire to please, the fact is I cannot please everyone, and can only control the things I can control, which as my mother would say: I can't bullshit a bullshitter, for "bullshit recognizes bullshit". And if that makes me a liability, why should I live? For if I die, I die; though my father, mother, and even the whole world forsake me, the Lord will bring me up."

It's time to rest, for that is the Suncha command!

Wish I could rest. I'm exhausted

 

[SoverignDreamer97]

Thank you. I wish I could find help, but it seems like I'm trapped here to be tortured. I know a spot to jump that's 400 feet with nothing below except shallow water. I think about it a lot. When I was there I looked down for a long time imagining myself ctb. I had a really bad feeling of fear in my body, but at the same time relief thinking I could easily not be in pain anymore if I just did it. I'm scared tho it would go wrong like my other ctb attempts and I'd end up paralyzed without the ability to try again. That's my greatest fear. I know it would take rescue a long time to get to me at least. I feel really bad thinking about how they would feel seeing my body. I just wish there was a better way to go. Why do I have to be stuck here in a place that I'm not made for? My family would be more disappointed in me than they already are, and really upset. I'm lucky to have a family that cares, but also it feels like a curse. I wish I could have had a normal life bad so I could make others proud. I don't really want to ctb. I like some things about living, I just feel like my misery outweighs any happiness by a lot. It's extremely difficult to enjoy anything. Life doesn't even feel real at times.

Wish I could rest. I'm exhausted

May you internalize the Suncha axiom as deeply as I have:
"You cannot please everyone; control the things you can control, one step at a time."

And furthermore, my former boss also said, "if you feel guilty, then it's a sign you are a good person, and do not let anyone tell you otherwise; bad people don't think about such things, and instead justify themselves as righteous."

 

[Kanau_Nano]

May you internalize the Suncha axiom as deeply as I have:
"You cannot please everyone; control the things you can control, one step at a time."

And furthermore, my former boss also said, "if you feel guilty, then it's a sign you are a good person, and do not let anyone tell you otherwise; bad people don't think about such things, and instead justify themselves as righteous."

I've tried to internalize i shouldn't try to please everyone and take one step at a time. For many years. Eventually on my way through the steps I fall all the way back down.

I try not to please everyone, but I just care so much about what people think. Anytime someone doesn't like me it crushes me. I don't know why I am this way, and I struggle to fix it. I really enjoy being liked so i do my best to make others happy, it's nice to have someone think good of me, I'm so used to hating myself it is strange how anyone can like me tho. Sometimes I feel people are faking it, and it hurts.

 

[SoverignDreamer97]

I've tried to internalize i shouldn't try to please everyone and take one step at a time. For many years. Eventually on my way through the steps I fall all the way back down.

I try not to please everyone, but I just care so much about what people think. Anytime someone doesn't like me it crushes me. I don't know why I am this way, and I struggle to fix it. I really enjoy being liked so i do my best to make others happy, it's nice to have someone think good of me, I'm so used to hating myself it is strange how anyone can like me tho. Sometimes I feel people are faking it, and it hurts.

It's a challenge, and indeed I do fall back more often than I'm comfortable letting on.

But whoever says anything about progress being linear?

Whatever the case, what did it for me was the realization that people are grass, and as the grass withers, the flowers fade, the word of my God stands forever.

But... you're gonna have to hit that breaking point.

 

[Kanau_Nano]

It's a challenge, and indeed I do fall back more often than I'm comfortable letting on.

But whoever says anything about progress being linear?

Whatever the case, what did it for me was the realization that people are grass, and as the grass withers, the flowers fade, the word of my God stands forever.

But... you're gonna have to hit that breaking point.

I'm glad you are religious. That would make me feel a lot better if I was probably. What breaking point do you mean? I've hit absolute lowest of the low before. Homeless, on drugs, no care for myself at all, getting used or hurt by others, attempted ctb issues with family etc

I hope you do well in life and keep your belief and hope

 

[SoverignDreamer97]

I'm glad you are religious. That would make me feel a lot better if I was probably. What breaking point do you mean? I've hit absolute lowest of the low before. Homeless, on drugs, no care for myself at all, getting used or hurt by others, attempted ctb issues with family etc

When you've given up all hope on man, or the idea that you can control the uncontrollables.

 

[Aflame5926]

i think you are really to hard for yourself. in my opinion part of this not all ofcourse is that you don't fit in.
society is all about boxes. if you don't in the box then you are weird, difficult or anything else.

enjoy the time with your family while you still can.
when you cross the road about not giving a shit about your family then you know it likely time.

but untill then struggle. maybe a little bit hard but words will not change anything for you.

im really sorry that you feel this way. but a surprising thing (not) you are not the only one.
i do wish i can magicly appear a happy pill for everybody here but yeah. dreams can be memes

Please do try to hang in there

 

[Kanau_Nano]

i think you are really to hard for yourself. in my opinion part of this not all ofcourse is that you don't fit in.
society is all about boxes. if you don't in the box then you are weird, difficult or anything else.

enjoy the time with your family while you still can.
when you cross the road about not giving a shit about your family then you know it likely time.

but untill then struggle. maybe a little bit hard but words will not change anything for you.

im really sorry that you feel this way. but a surprising thing (not) you are not the only one.
i do wish i can magicly appear a happy pill for everybody here but yeah. dreams can be memes

Please do try to hang in there

I wish there was a happy pill too. No one deserves to feel like ctbing.

I don't really think I'm too hard on myself. My life is my fault mostly. I didn't choose to be mentally Ill so I guess that's not my fault. I do wonder if I caused it to appear though.

I do feel like i don't fit in. Sometimes i can fake it enough people think I'm normal for a bit. I'd say I mostly want to ctb, because of what I've done in my life and my inability to function well.

I do try to spend lots of time with my family since I won't be here much longer hopefully. I wish I could ctb without anyone knowing it was on purpose. I wish therapy or meds made me better, i can only hope to get into mania for a bit

I will struggle for now and hang in there. I hope you do the same. Do you have anything that helps you?

When you've given up all hope on man, or the idea that you can control the uncontrollables.

Done that

 

[SoverignDreamer97]

I wish there was a happy pill too. No one deserves to feel like ctbing.

I don't really think I'm too hard on myself. My life is my fault mostly. I didn't choose to be mentally Ill so I guess that's not my fault. I do wonder if I caused it to appear though.

I do feel like i don't fit in. Sometimes i can fake it enough people think I'm normal for a bit. I'd say I mostly want to ctb, because of what I've done in my life and my inability to function well.

I do try to spend lots of time with my family since I won't be here much longer hopefully. I wish I could ctb without anyone knowing it was on purpose. I wish therapy or meds made me better, i can only hope to get into mania for a bit

I will struggle for now and hang in there. I hope you do the same. Do you have anything that helps you?



Done that

All that's left is to assume control over the only variable that matters— one which cannot be taken from you, or at least so long as no one knows of it.

 

[Aflame5926]

I wish there was a happy pill too. No one deserves to feel like ctbing.

I don't really think I'm too hard on myself. My life is my fault mostly. I didn't choose to be mentally Ill so I guess that's not my fault. I do wonder if I caused it to appear though.

I do feel like i don't fit in. Sometimes i can fake it enough people think I'm normal for a bit. I'd say I mostly want to ctb, because of what I've done in my life and my inability to function well.

I do try to spend lots of time with my family since I won't be here much longer hopefully. I wish I could ctb without anyone knowing it was on purpose. I wish therapy or meds made me better, i can only hope to get into mania for a bit

I will struggle for now and hang in there. I hope you do the same. Do you have anything that helps you?



Done that

nope not really. but ill struggle untill i have everything to CTB.

and that seems to be a long struggle for me. Freaking AE are problematic for me.
its kinda funny how other people have problems with SN while i have problems with AE.

ill find a way. and once i find it then its gonna be a plan phase of when and how. but we will see.
i kinda hope once i get everything in house that my mind will think its fine you have in house you can CTB when you want to.

but i think honestly that my mind is not able to hold on.

 

[Endisclose]

My therapist told me they think there's nothing they can do to help me. They said I've seen no improvement at all, and I need to take even more meds than I already have through the years, and I need to help myself by thinking only positive things. The meds never help, and I've tried so hard to think happy thoughts to rewire my brain, but I think my brain is unfixable. I know I'm not doing what my therapist said by thinking these things, I just don't think I can deal with this anymore. I really did try so hard to get better since I was a kid. I've had so many therapists and psychs. I went to the psych unit many times that doesn't help either. I've got so many mental illnesses listed it makes me feel so bad.

I've also just called out of my work cause it's causing me so many problems. I barely sleep, my migraines and stomach pain is worse, I feel so overwhelmingly anxious all day and stupid. Focusing on anything, but my fear is so difficult. I think I need to quit I'd probably get fired eventually anyways. It's the best job I ever had pay wise, but I'm just so pathetic I can't cope. I want to ctb so very bad, I've tried before, but just like my whole life I fail. I failed my friends. I failed school. I failed my relationships. I failed to be a good daughter, i failed to be a good sister, i failed to work, i failed myself, i failed to be normal in any way. I ruined my life and let others help ruin it. I feel so guilty.

The only reason I don't go ctb rn is my family. Every day I get closer to not caring. It hurts me to think what will happen to them if I ctb. I feel like I deserve to be punished for thinking of doing it still.

I hate myself so much I'm a waste of a life. I want to hurt myself in some way so bad I deserve it. I'm in so much pain rn physically and mentally I want it to stop

I wish there was something to help me i really do. I just can't do it myself i don't even know how to help myself, except thinking positive. I'm so tired of trying. sorry for ranting like this i just wanted to let it out somewhere. I hope other people here had good experience with therapy. I know some people that did. I'm just too far gone

Totally understand and can relate to what you're going through. Bipolar+borderline is supposedly extremely difficult to manage as I can very much attest to that. Can you pinpoint to where the major part of your stress is coming from? Is it from your job? Can you find anything you can do freelance, working individually, with flexible work hours?

If you can find something like that and relocate to a place surrounded by nature that might be the key. I am not a big believer in medication. Making positive lifestyle changes could possibly work out. As for the rest, don't beat yourself up too much about it. It is a pretty tough condition and it's not your fault for having to deal with it.

 

[Kanau_Nano]

nope not really. but ill struggle untill i have everything to CTB.

and that seems to be a long struggle for me. Freaking AE are problematic for me.
its kinda funny how other people have problems with SN while i have problems with AE.

ill find a way. and once i find it then its gonna be a plan phase of when and how. but we will see.
i kinda hope once i get everything in house that my mind will think its fine you have in house you can CTB when you want to.

but i think honestly that my mind is not able to hold on.

I don't think I read about AE is it similar to SN? I know it sounds morbid, but I saw a video of SN and I couldn't finish it. Looked like really intense suffering.

It does feel nice to know you can ctb whenever you want to I get it.

You don't have any hope at all? Sucks you feel this way too. You seem really nice

Totally understand and can relate to what you're going through. Bipolar+borderline is supposedly extremely difficult to manage as I can very much attest to that. Can you pinpoint to where the major part of your stress is coming from? Is it from your job? Can you find anything you can do freelance, working individually, with flexible work hours?

If you can find something like that and relocate to a place surrounded by nature that might be the key. I am not a big believer in medication. Making positive lifestyle changes could possibly work out. As for the rest, don't beat yourself up too much about it. It is a pretty tough condition and it's not your fault for having to deal with it.

You suffer from bpd and bipolar too? Did you find anything that helps? It's so exhausting to deal with this. I wish you didn't have to manage this.

My major stress is just myself and i can't stop thinking about bad things that happened in my life too. My job is stressful so that doesn't help. It's medical so any other place I work would be bad. I hate working in general tho. I got 4 days on 4 days off, but it's still exhausting.

I am surrounded by nature and I like it a lot, but not enough to help me want to live. What positive lifestyle changes are you thinking of? I tried my best to be happy for a long time

 

[Aflame5926]

I don't think I read about AE is it similar to SN? I know it sounds morbid, but I saw a video of SN and I couldn't finish it. Looked like really intense suffering.
It does feel nice to know you can ctb whenever you want to I get it.

no its the anti throw up stuff which is hard to source in my country and its driving me slowly insane

You don't have any hope at all? Sucks you feel this way too. You seem really nice

ya know what they say. nice guys finish last. the story of my life

 

[Kanau_Nano]

no its the anti throw up stuff which is hard to source in my country and its driving me slowly insane

ya know what they say. nice guys finish last. the story of my life

I had medication for vomiting from sickness before and it didn't help a whole lot. I think it'd work less with SN, but I haven't read a whole lot about AE.

I hope you can have as good of a day as possible.

 

[Aflame5926]

I had medication for vomiting from sickness before and it didn't help a whole lot. I think it'd work less with SN, but I haven't read a whole lot about AE.

I hope you can have as good of a day as possible.

you 2. struggle as hard as possible.

enjoy the things that you can still enjoy untill it doesn't.
maybe that day i still be there or not.

ya not a failure. ya just didnt fit in the box.

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

Thank you. I wish I could find help, but it seems like I'm trapped here to be tortured. I know a spot to jump that's 400 feet with nothing below except shallow water. I think about it a lot. When I was there I looked down for a long time imagining myself ctb. I had a really bad feeling of fear in my body, but at the same time relief thinking I could easily not be in pain anymore if I just did it. I'm scared tho it would go wrong like my other ctb attempts and I'd end up paralyzed without the ability to try again. That's my greatest fear. I know it would take rescue a long time to get to me at least. I feel really bad thinking about how they would feel seeing my body. I just wish there was a better way to go. Why do I have to be stuck here in a place that I'm not made for? My family would be more disappointed in me than they already are, and really upset. I'm lucky to have a family that cares, but also it feels like a curse. I wish I could have had a normal life bad so I could make others proud. I don't really want to ctb. I like some things about living, I just feel like my misery outweighs any happiness by a lot. It's extremely difficult to enjoy anything. Life doesn't even feel real at times.

Wish I could rest. I'm exhausted

Yeah I understand how you feel. The idea of becoming paralyzed or a vegetable sounds like a truly horrifying experience. I fear the same happening.

I've looked at many spaces longingly, where I could've jumped. The pain would be over in seconds but the pain before sounds too bad to deal with.

Where would you wanna go?

What makes you think your family are disappointed in you? What is a normal life to you?

Why do you want to make others proud?

 

[Kanau_Nano]

Yeah I understand how you feel. The idea of becoming paralyzed or a vegetable sounds like a truly horrifying experience. I fear the same happening.

I've looked at many spaces longingly, where I could've jumped. The pain would be over in seconds but the pain before sounds too bad to deal with.

Where would you wanna go?

What makes you think your family are disappointed in you? What is a normal life to you?

Why do you want to make others proud?

I would want to go to a lot of places. If i had to pick it'd be Seoul, Tokyo or Chongqing. Wbu?

My family never tells me they are proud of anything I do. And there's not a lot to be proud of. I've done nothing pretty much.

I want to make others proud so they wouldn't feel sad when they hear about how I've been doing.

Yeah the pain would be terrible for a bit, but I think any method except pure fent would be the same. I hope you never experience what we fear.

Do you have hope in life still?

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

I would want to go to a lot of places. If i had to pick it'd be Seoul, Tokyo or Chongqing. Wbu?

My family never tells me they are proud of anything I do. And there's not a lot to be proud of. I've done nothing pretty much.

I want to make others proud so they wouldn't feel sad when they hear about how I've been doing.

Yeah the pain would be terrible for a bit, but I think any method except pure fent would be the same. I hope you never experience what we fear.

Do you have hope in life still?

I know that continuing this journey, I'll get to the place I'll eventually be. But having done this for a long time. What's one more birthday where I'm alone again? What's another year without someone to be human with me? Do I want this? Do I want to do this anymore? No.

I'd love to goto Tokyo too, experience the festivals, food and goto a muscle cafe/bar tee-hee. Why'd you wanna goto Tokyo? Oh and Nintendo land ofc!

What's the little you can be proud of? Coming on here to share your feelings, reaching out. Even if it's small, there's something to be proud of. It takes courage.

How are you doing? Is there no one around you can tell?

Thabk you. What a pain that would be. Haha.

 

[Kanau_Nano]

I know that continuing this journey, I'll get to the place I'll eventually be. But having done this for a long time. What's one more birthday where I'm alone again? What's another year without someone to be human with me? Do I want this? Do I want to do this anymore? No.

I'd love to goto Tokyo too, experience the festivals, food and goto a muscle cafe/bar tee-hee. Why'd you wanna goto Tokyo? Oh and Nintendo land ofc!

What's the little you can be proud of? Coming on here to share your feelings, reaching out. Even if it's small, there's something to be proud of. It takes courage.

How are you doing? Is there no one around you can tell?

Thabk you. What a pain that would be. Haha.

I struggle with loneliness too. There's times I've had friends, but I destroy it in some way. I let people use me just to not be lonely at times. I understand how you feel.


Tokyo does sound like lots of fun! I don't really have a plan on what to see, I thought I'd figure it out when I was there. Walk around take public transport and go where ever seems cool. I know some Japanese, so I might not get lost easy lol I've never heard of a muscle café what is that? I did see Nintendo land before! Looks cool! Do you have a plan to go sometime?


Not proud of much except trying to get better, and working a job. What about you?

There is people i can tell how I feel irl, but they would get worried and I don't want to cause stress. Do you have anyone you tell?

Also I saw on a post you made that you are 18. When I was that age I thought I'd be lonely forever, not able to work, not experience a lot I did. You are just now an adult. Try things out a bit more if you can. I know it's painful to live with depression and seems like it will never end, but some people do get better. I didn't get better however I'm glad I tried a lot.

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

I'm sorry to hear that you understand it too. Its a very painful feeling. I understand how you feel too. I've messed up again.

Have you met anyone you like?

Be spontaneous and do whatever you want in a place you don't know? Sounds stressful. Sounds adventurous. Sounds fun.

Its a bar or cafe where the servers are muscular boydbuilder types and theyre barley wearing clothes. (For me, I specifically want the men)

No I'm too broke for that sort of trip. I think I'm gonna head to the beach around my birthday and end my life there. Would've loved to go there with someone I loved though.

I hope some alternative universe me hasn't messed up, doesn't feel alone, isn't depressed and is doing wonderful. I hope he appreciates it. I wonder if he thinks of me?

Why'd you choose Japan?

Slay, I'm glad your trying to get better and that you have a job. Hopefully you enjoy your job?

I've been working on my self esteem, trying to grow as a person, socialise, work on my anxiety, understand how to be a healthy person, cope, talk to people about my feelings, reaching out to mental health services, I get up and up again, there will always be a reason to be proud of me, I'm still here.

But it's not that your trying to cause stress and you deserve to be heard too.

I tell countless people the tales of how horrible I feel, I joke, I get serious. I cry. "The depression monster is ravaging my ass"

I'm thinking of telling the teacher at college, it feels like he'll make the least fuss. I'll tell him about my plan. Or maybe I won't. I don't know what Friday is gonna be like.

I'm glad you tried a lot, and thank you, I appreciate the advice. I do.

But I've been on a journey too long and I think it's time that the show comes to a close soon.

I will be continuing on like regular, I'll hopefully get some sn or maybe do the night night method. I'll watch the digital circus movie. Play danganronpa 2x2. Maybe the show will extend, if I ever meet someone special. But I doubt it.

What would you like to do?

I struggle with loneliness too. There's times I've had friends, but I destroy it in some way. I let people use me just to not be lonely at times. I understand how you feel.


Tokyo does sound like lots of fun! I don't really have a plan on what to see, I thought I'd figure it out when I was there. Walk around take public transport and go where ever seems cool. I know some Japanese, so I might not get lost easy lol I've never heard of a muscle café what is that? I did see Nintendo land before! Looks cool! Do you have a plan to go sometime?


Not proud of much except trying to get better, and working a job. What about you?

There is people i can tell how I feel irl, but they would get worried and I don't want to cause stress. Do you have anyone you tell?

Also I saw on a post you made that you are 18. When I was that age I thought I'd be lonely forever, not able to work, not experience a lot I did. You are just now an adult. Try things out a bit more if you can. I know it's painful to live with depression and seems like it will never end, but some people do get better. I didn't get better however I'm glad I tried a lot.

 

[Kanau_Nano]

I'm sorry to hear that you understand it too. Its a very painful feeling. I understand how you feel too. I've messed up again.

Have you met anyone you like?

Be spontaneous and do whatever you want in a place you don't know? Sounds stressful. Sounds adventurous. Sounds fun.

Its a bar or cafe where the servers are muscular boydbuilder types and theyre barley wearing clothes. (For me, I specifically want the men)

No I'm too broke for that sort of trip. I think I'm gonna head to the beach around my birthday and end my life there. Would've loved to go there with someone I loved though.

I hope some alternative universe me hasn't messed up, doesn't feel alone, isn't depressed and is doing wonderful. I hope he appreciates it. I wonder if he thinks of me?

Why'd you choose Japan?

Slay, I'm glad your trying to get better and that you have a job. Hopefully you enjoy your job?

I've been working on my self esteem, trying to grow as a person, socialise, work on my anxiety, understand how to be a healthy person, cope, talk to people about my feelings, reaching out to mental health services, I get up and up again, there will always be a reason to be proud of me, I'm still here.

But it's not that your trying to cause stress and you deserve to be heard too.

I tell countless people the tales of how horrible I feel, I joke, I get serious. I cry. "The depression monster is ravaging my ass"

I'm thinking of telling the teacher at college, it feels like he'll make the least fuss. I'll tell him about my plan. Or maybe I won't. I don't know what Friday is gonna be like.

I'm glad you tried a lot, and thank you, I appreciate the advice. I do.

But I've been on a journey too long and I think it's time that the show comes to a close soon.

I will be continuing on like regular, I'll hopefully get some sn or maybe do the night night method. I'll watch the digital circus movie. Play danganronpa 2x2. Maybe the show will extend, if I ever meet someone special. But I doubt it.

What would you like to do?

How did you mess up? And yeah I've met people i like a lot lol. If anyone shows me any genuine seeming affection I tend to get obsessed with them until i destroy everything in some way. I'm sick for sure. I've never been in love though. I've had people tell me they love me, but I just don't feel it.

That cafe sounds fun. I can appreciate good looking men like you lol I might get anxious there tho. I also wanna go to a maid cafe. I like the outfits! I chose Japan cause it looked cool and I like the TV shows/anime books etc. I've never been to a city that big so that's exciting. Don't you think?

I wish you could go on that trip before you do that to yourself. It would be awesome for you to enjoy yourself as much as possible! You might still go with someone you love. Life is unpredictable for sure.

I've had the same thoughts about alternative universes. I wonder what a happy me is like.

That's awesome you're proud of all your hard work!! I'm proud of you too! I always like to see people suffering eventually do well in life! You got a lot of good going for you! Anxiety is so hard to deal with, but I believe in you!!

I know I'm not trying to cause stress, but I still feel uncomfortable with it :((

I'm glad you got here and irl people to tell how you feel. It's very important to be understood and let it all out! Be careful if you tell a mandatory reporter about your plan to ctb. You could go to the hospital. Maybe that would be good for you and you'd like it though? It helps people.

I wish you didn't feel the need to ctb you deserve to be happy! You are a cool seeming person from what you've said. Btw I'm warning you any method will be terrifying. I have experience.

Digital Circus is awesome! I'm gonna see the movie too. I'm really curious if they can get out.

I would like to do a lot of things lol

 

[Endisclose]

I don't think I read about AE is it similar to SN? I know it sounds morbid, but I saw a video of SN and I couldn't finish it. Looked like really intense suffering.

It does feel nice to know you can ctb whenever you want to I get it.

You don't have any hope at all? Sucks you feel this way too. You seem really nice

You suffer from bpd and bipolar too? Did you find anything that helps? It's so exhausting to deal with this. I wish you didn't have to manage this.

My major stress is just myself and i can't stop thinking about bad things that happened in my life too. My job is stressful so that doesn't help. It's medical so any other place I work would be bad. I hate working in general tho. I got 4 days on 4 days off, but it's still exhausting.

I am surrounded by nature and I like it a lot, but not enough to help me want to live. What positive lifestyle changes are you thinking of? I tried my best to be happy for a long time

I made some posts in relation to these on a different thread. You can check them out here..

Post in thread 'I lost my job and now I'm absolutely worthless' https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...w-im-absolutely-worthless.239019/post-3433102

Post in thread 'I lost my job and now I'm absolutely worthless' https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...w-im-absolutely-worthless.239019/post-3432125

I found this link in YT while back. It would be worthwhile to maybe get in touch with them and see if they can be if help.

 

[Kanau_Nano]

I made some posts in relation to these on a different thread. You can check them out here..

Post in thread 'I lost my job and now I'm absolutely worthless' https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...w-im-absolutely-worthless.239019/post-3433102

Post in thread 'I lost my job and now I'm absolutely worthless' https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...w-im-absolutely-worthless.239019/post-3432125

I found this link in YT while back. It would be worthwhile to maybe get in touch with them and see if they can be if help.

I've pretty much just given up. I've really tried everything i could try. I didn't want things to turn out this way. Maybe I'll try again and take this advice I just can't get the energy at this moment

 

[Endisclose]

I've pretty much just given up. I've really tried everything i could try. I didn't want things to turn out this way. Maybe I'll try again and take this advice I just can't get the energy at this moment

It's ok. Better not to push yourself when you feel down. With BP the mood swings are like a sine wave. If one is in the depressive phase, euthymia is bound to be round the corner. Just bide your time and see if you can have a go once your mood picks up.

 

[Kanau_Nano]

It's ok. Better not to push yourself when you feel down. With BP the mood swings are like a sine wave. If one is in the depressive phase, euthymia is bound to be round the corner. Just bide your time and see if you can have a go once your mood picks up.

Thank you for your words. I appreciate it. i know if I wait I will feel better then now, it's just so hard rn