Im so far behind other people and its killing me inside

[miles-away]

How the fuck do I explain to the average person I didn't go to college and I was an agoraphobic NEET for four years. I didn't get my first job til I was 21. I'm almost 23 and I dont have an associates. I don't have a car and only got my license this year. I still live with my parents.

Watching people as young as 24 in white collar jobs, making 100k+ a year makes me want to blow my brains out. Anything related with college makes me sad and reminds I missed out. I was always a horrible student so it's not like I would go to Yale. But I never went to any.

I was passively suicidal those years and of course, I chickened out every time my suicide date would roll around.

I turn 23 soon and the years keep piling up and I just hate myself. I hate that I'm autistic and a fuck up. I want to fix myself so badly.

 

[NutOrat]

I feel you. I especially feel awful when I see people younger than me achieving so much more, being well put together, acting more mature, more intelligent, and so on. I know it's all harmful beliefs that older = must do better, but it's so ingrained in me, like it's one of the most extreme cases of shame a person can experience. It becomes like my personal failure that someone younger succeeded at something I didn't, when it should be "hey, good job!", and no-one shaming anyone.

 

[martyrdom]

It's fucked up that you're made to feel like a failure at only 22/23. For what it's worth, in several countries it's perfectly normal to still live with family and not immediately go to college and get a job and a license and become fully independent so quickly. In fact, that would be ridiculous and almost no one does it in certain regions. I suspect this expectation occurs in highly individualistic communities. Everyone has their own pace and it's inhumane to expect otherwise. I would say it's not too late at all, but I do understand how you feel.

 

[Benjiii]

I understand, comparing yourself to others is awful and we do it automatically. I don't want to compare myself; I know everyone has their own pace, but my idiot brain still does it and it affects me negatively. Like @NutOrat said, it should be a simple "well done" and move on.

 

[L.D.50]

i can relate to you a lot, its all i can think about lately.
i won't bore anyone with the details, but I'm 18 and haven't received an education higher than an 9th grade level. I'm 18, and I'm a freshman completing high school at an alterative school. how much more of a screw up can i be than that?
it destroys me, every time I'm there all i can feel is shame. its embarrassing. no one knows me, or my age, but the fact I'm even here is enough to know that i failed. i know it wasn't necessarily my fault, and i was a product of my environment, but i know that i wont ever be able to succeed in life like my peers. and I'll never have the life that i truly wanted for myself.
i think about why i haven't just dropped out and gotten a GED a lot, it would save me a lot of time at this point honestly. less embarrassing to say you have a GED rather than you were a freshman at 18 and graduated when you were in your 20s. i probably should. but I'm already so close to having enough credits to be considered a sophomore, and i work on assignments everyday online from home when i don't have class, and i attend every class that i can.

it sucks. it really does. i feel like a bit of a masochist for even putting myself through something so embarrassing instead of just taking that damn bus.

for what its worth, i don't think you are a failure at all. there's plenty of decent careers you could chose with a degree you could earn at community college. that's what I'm hoping for, there's nothing wrong with that, at this point its a miracle if you can even live without relying week to week on a paycheck.

 

[Macedonian1987]

I'm in extremely far behind when I compare myself to my elementary school and high school peers, but since i'm gonna ctb in a year or two, that doesn't bother me in the slightest.

At 38, i have no job, no wife or kids, no friends, still living with my parents.... but I don't care.

 

[annxietty]

How the fuck do I explain to the average person I didn't go to college and I was an agoraphobic NEET for four years. I didn't get my first job til I was 21. I'm almost 23 and I dont have an associates. I don't have a car and only got my license this year. I still live with my parents.

Watching people as young as 24 in white collar jobs, making 100k+ a year makes me want to blow my brains out. Anything related with college makes me sad and reminds I missed out. I was always a horrible student so it's not like I would go to Yale. But I never went to any.

I was passively suicidal those years and of course, I chickened out every time my suicide date would roll around.

I turn 23 soon and the years keep piling up and I just hate myself. I hate that I'm autistic and a fuck up. I want to fix myself so badly.

You beat me, I only got my first job at 23 almost 24, until then I couldnt exit my house, im 25 and I only leave my house to go to work. I was a good student, I didnt go to college because I had to move from place to place to not become homeless. Im a virgin, I have no friends, I dont have a license, obviously I dont have a car, only thing in my name is an electric scooter, my arms are full of scars... and I wonder the exact same thing, how do I explain this to an average person? How could I face an old highschool friend if I encounter them? I work part time at a pizza place and I live with my sister because my parents dont have a place to live where I can belong... Im sorry for talking about myself so much in your thread, but I think I just wanted you to know there are more people than you can imagine in the same boat.

Congratulations on getting your license, dont be too hard on yourself, you should be proud of any victory even if its small, but of course this is easier said than done, I do know that.

 

[Irisse]

I feel the same. I'm 25, never had a job, no driving license and not that great at college. I think we've been brainwashed about our worth being tied to our job/career for far too long. Even I am guilty of thinking in that way. I agree with @martyrdom about the pressure to succeed not being that high in certain regions, in fact, a lot of people in my country don't move away from their parents until they are in their 30s!

 

[NutOrat]

How could I face an old highschool friend if I encounter them?

Same, I have that fear all the time. Some time ago a few classmates of mine wanted to meet up for a "reunion", and I completely cut off all communication. I know it was all going to be one massive "dick measuring" contest, who achieved what and who's better in life. Also, I'm 95% sure at least one of the guys must've died from drug overdose, I just don't want to confirm it. I can't meet them, especially not the girl I loved. I even had nightmares of meeting her, of her seeing what an even bigger loser I've become.

 

[Grimlock]

I understand what you mean and I am seeing from the replies in this thread that this feeling is not too uncommon. It is soul crushing, just feeling total embarrassment and a deep sense of inferiority. Still, even though I want to, I just cannot shake the idea that I am not just failing or progressing slowly, but also constantly being surpassed and that I am supposed to be further ahead. It is like spending your whole life trying to catch up. I think these negative feelings and issues are just going to compound as I get older.

 

[dying_kwik2000]

This is kind of why I want to die. I think I'm going to kill myself at the end of the year. Initially, I wanted to perform because it was my dream and I was depressed for a portion of my adolescence, so I felt like if I could do that, or at least become a better dancer, I'd be happy. Now I feel lost and stuck and I'm not where I hoped I'd be. I don't like living with my mother and I the last time I had friends was about 15 or more years ago. I've never been in a relationship. I don't like my family. I hate the town I live in. I wish I could move but I don't think I can. Everyone else in my family around my age has lived alone except me. I'm still in the town I dreaded moving to 10 years ago. I'm trying to get a personal trainer certificate but it's much harder than I'd thought because no-one really wants to help. I'm also trying to learn another skill but if I don't start working soon, I might kill myself because I'm tired of going nowhere. I glad to have been able to work at a theatre seasonally for the past three years but that's pretty much all I have. I literally have no friends outside of my family members and never had a relationship. The loneliness is killing me.

 

[SchizoGymnast]

Don't pay too much attention to those people that "have it together" at such a young age. A lot of them think it was a flex that they started working at, say, 12 mowing lawns. Seven year old kids working the coal mine were independent too. The point of life isn't to do everything as young as possible.