I thought i'd never come back to this website. I thought i'd never look back a at the suicide forums debating whether to go through with one of the threads. I'm so disappointed in myself. I joined this place at just 15, fresh out of a ward planning another attempt. It feels like a lifetime ago. I haven't relapsed since then, I thought i'd never think of doing so again. This year has took a toll on me and i'm slipping back into that same place I thought i'd never dream of going back to. On top of this, the shame for even thinking of wanting to die again is worse than anything.
I have a partner now of 2 years, a future of uni in less than a year, yet all i can think of is relapsing and ruining it all. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like such a burden to everyone in my life. I feel selfish. My home life right now is unbearable. I can't move out, I don't have the money to. My parents surely can see i'm slipping and I've mentioned to them i've been struggling just a month ago, it's like they're sick of me or i'm just using it as an excuse for something they deemed i fucked up on that day. They argue constantly and I just can't take it anymore.
The stress of work and college and pretending like everything's fine all the time is killing me from the inside out. My hair has begun to fall out and I'm missing periods, i'm borderline underweight but i don't even have the appetite for food anymore. I just want to feel okay but it's like no one is listening. I just want to feel understood. My partner and I have been arguing because i just keep lashing out over stupid things and im just so selfish for it. I don't know what to do. I don't know if im able to make it through the month.
I don't know if this is to ask for help or just to have someone listen, but I just needed to get this out somewhere. I don't truthfully think I want to die the way I wanted to at 14 and 15. I just want this way i've been feeling this whole year to end.
I have a partner now of 2 years, a future of uni in less than a year, yet all i can think of is relapsing and ruining it all. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like such a burden to everyone in my life. I feel selfish. My home life right now is unbearable. I can't move out, I don't have the money to. My parents surely can see i'm slipping and I've mentioned to them i've been struggling just a month ago, it's like they're sick of me or i'm just using it as an excuse for something they deemed i fucked up on that day. They argue constantly and I just can't take it anymore.
The stress of work and college and pretending like everything's fine all the time is killing me from the inside out. My hair has begun to fall out and I'm missing periods, i'm borderline underweight but i don't even have the appetite for food anymore. I just want to feel okay but it's like no one is listening. I just want to feel understood. My partner and I have been arguing because i just keep lashing out over stupid things and im just so selfish for it. I don't know what to do. I don't know if im able to make it through the month.
I don't know if this is to ask for help or just to have someone listen, but I just needed to get this out somewhere. I don't truthfully think I want to die the way I wanted to at 14 and 15. I just want this way i've been feeling this whole year to end.
