i would go because suicide is a grave transgression in about every monotheistic religion. and even if i dont kms which is most likely, i am still a terrible person. not to mention my faith has been decreasing for a few years
*So I kind of wrote an essay and I'm sorry, feel free to not read it if you don't want but I think it could help if you do, it's about religion and why I genuinely even from a theological stand point think you should/can forgive yourself. It might not ease your suffering but at least know that simply moving forward and just trying your best to be the most decent person you can be is the best atonement possible according to scripture and that if you're religious god has already forgiven you and hell is stupid and made up. I have genuine actual theological study reasons to say that. *
I mean I'm not gonna say anyone should believe anything different in theology it's really up to the individual but at very least I can say modern versions of scriptures were manipulated to subjugate the working class, women, and minorities. They treated the Quran/ Sanskrit like poetry just so they could manipulate it enough it says you can beat your wife, the King James bible says the Antichrist would want to..what? Unify the world and universalize language? Yeah because that would take power away from the few and give the laboring classes too much freedom and power. Oh and of course your ruler was appointed by god. Duh. Like obviously a lot of that was not god's word even if you believe in god, man's hands wrote the words down and only rich people even knew how to read and write at the time! Of course they are gonna take advantage!
There are a lot of example like that, but my point is
personally I believe hell was made up to threaten people. Again I'm not an atheist I am agnostic and very interested in studying religions to boot, but if there is a god they would love you despite your faults. I mean they created you with them! And furthermore they are for some reason allowing you and countless other living creatures to suffer an incredible amount, and we say they must have a reason for this, so being omnipotent (or at least approaching omnipotent in some religions) okay well they must also know there are consequences to it.
Wounded animals lash out, god is allowing the animal to be wounded, of course likely hoping we will find it in our heart to work towards doing the right thing anyway but...I mean again they created you with those flaws and know the mistakes you will make. And they love you anyway right? Despite that? Well IMHO no god who loved you would threaten you with a lake of endless torture nor would they have cast Lucifer out in the first place (if we're talking Abrahamic religions)
I'm not saying people should just go crazy and do whatever but we should try our best to do the right thing because we care about others or if you're religious, because the god that loves you unconditionally wants you to and wants the best for you. Not because you'll be burned for all eternity if you don't do what one of any number of books literally not even written by god tells you to.
There is a difference in subjective and objective view of a person's morality; in example if someone beats a loved one of mine to death because they were in a deep psychotic episode and though they were a demon or something I can say in my heart "yes I forgive them they are just a hurt person who made an incredibly grave mistake and as a forgivable human I will still love them" but...in reality it would be really hard for me to not harbor resentment and anger towards them, possibly even hatred, because I have personal subjective feeling about the matter. Whereas god is an objective viewer of all things. Of course god could look at that person and forgive them and continue to love them unconditionally with no doubts or hesitations because they know the person's mind and know they did not mean ill will against another they were just scared and flawed, as god made them.
So now apply that to yourself right, you have a subjective view of all the bullshit you've ever don and may never be able to look at it with clear eyes but god is an objective viewer, they know when you did something out of fear and confusion, they know when you did something out of spite and malice and they've already forgiven you for both. All we can do is try and be better, forgiveness is the root of love in a world made up of flaws and accidents. God forgives us for fucking up, we forgive god for making us suffer, we forgive each other for all the horrible things we do to each other and even mother Earth forgives us for hurting and scarring her so deeply. You don't have to
deserve forgiveness for it to be given. Forgiveness is given through the grace of the forgiver, we work to deserve forgiveness for our own sake.
So...um anyway don't be so hard on yourself, whatever you've done let me tell you I've done some pretty fucked up stuff myself and I'm the same guy who has literally taken my sweat pants off on the street and handed them to someone. And vice versa, I've had people extend generosity to me that I absolutely didn't deserve, it may have seemed small to them but it meant a lot to me.
We all fuck up. We all fuck up like A LOT. It's gonna' be okay. I mean life might not get better but at very least you don't need to carry that weight around. And don't get me wrong I know it's easier said than done, I really really hate myself for the things I've done and the person I am too and I have constant intrusive thoughts about it but it's just such a waste, it doesn't help anyone and it just makes it harder to act the way I'm supposed to to make others happy anyway.
I feel really bad for writing this much but I hope it lifted your weight at least a little; like my elbow pit tattoos say : P "You're not a monster, you're just in pain" <3
