nikdiedtoday
Member
- Sep 26, 2022
- 15
so instead of cryptic scizo rants today im gonna just share basic shit out myself since i haven't done that here yet. firstly tho guys i made it through work 2 days ina row and didn't ctb or kill anyone. sounds childish and alot easier then it is at least in my situation. anyway. im 23 female (mostly) and live in the US. i came across this site while watching a video about that one looks maxing dude who does bone smashing. the you tuber was talking about incel forums and how reddit cracking down led to them coming to places like this and so i googled around and here i am. happy i watched that dumb ass vid tbh. ive been mentally fucked as far back as i can remember tho every type of abuse as a child definitely made me worse. first ''real'' attempt was when i was like idk maybe 14 i wanna say? another thing about me is my memory is very weird like a puzzle pretty much because of this my perception of time is very off. its only gotten worse lately. hard to tell days months ages apart from each other. i do have moments of clarity where it feels like my brain is working clear and clean like it used to though. im trying out being sober and im a little over a year clean no substances (was never addicted to anything hard tho i did try a few things when i was younger) (tried fixing my life and now realizing thats impossible and i have to ctb) theres one other main thing about myself but i feel scared to share it here because its a big can of worms to explain. i feel my wanting to ctb will seem less reasonable if i mention it. i dont want to feel anymore guilty for my thoughts then i already do. if you follow context clues its pretty clear what it is and ill surely talk about it fully soon since its my main reason for being here otherwise id have been dead like years ago. ive been clean from sh for a while now did something small a few months back but trying to be on the straight and narrow. started sh when i was like 11? 12 ? 13 ? started everyday in middle school and it only got worse from there. have been to wards a few times due to shitty attempts or sh over the years as well. hmmmm what else. oh i have zero friends and went no contact with my family. few years back i moved in with my bf stayed close with them then about 2 years ago everything started getting weird in my life cut everyone off and haven't spoken since (they want me dead ). im a drop out but was trying to get GED but gave it up cuz im too busy trying to survive the day. been at my job for a little over a year now (its made everything except my bank account much worse.)i know my post are a fucking mess but keep in mind im a shut in. eventually i hope they are more cohesive but my brain is genuinely rotting (im not kidding) so it makes it hard to say things proper and not in seemingly random collention of thoughts. anyway thats the basics. i wanna tell a story later about some of the crazy people i met online a few years back i think its fitting and wild. people were like paying me to ctb and shit i was really on some other shit back thenn but i think ill post about that next since its been on my mind alot recently and if anyone will ''get'' it yall will? i think ? so recap 23,always been fucked up, mostly a female,abused in alot of diffrent ways from youngest age till now,no family or friends, ctb soon, work sucks, picked the best time to get sober, im so cool ect...
talk soon talk soon <3
talk soon talk soon <3
