Venting I wish I was with an older man

[Mooncry]

But I wonder if it would even make me happy if I was.

My childhood was completely stolen from me, and as a result, I age regress and I have crippling daddy issues. I can't work due to mental illness and I'm completely supported by my boyfriend and his family.

I appreciate everything they all do for me, and it's not lost on me how good I have it, especially in this day and age. But I'm still so unhappy… Despite being a genuinely good person, my boyfriend's personality just doesn't click with mine. And I feel like my lifestyle only hinders him, so I don't think I'm a good match for him either. He's young and he should be with someone ambitious who can keep up with him where I can't. Someone who wants to grow their career and eventually have kids. I don't want kids, never ever will I want kids.

The little girl in me just wants a daddy figure to fill that void. I've always wanted a proper DD/lg dynamic with a guy who actually has the strong, mature personality for it. I've tried with my boyfriend and he just isn't the type, and that's okay. I accept him for who he is and I'd never want to change him, but I still don't know if we're right for each other.

Part of me really wants to actively look for an older guy who'd be interested in being that type of figure to me, but I'm also terrified of dominant personalities. I know there's those who are only out to prey on people like me with vulnerable headspaces, and going through the process of getting to know someone new and starting over is… scary. Not only scary, but it almost seems completely futile, like why go through all that effort with risk of it not working out when I can just die instead? If I kill myself rather than try, then all my problems would be solved without the risk.

I don't even think any man like who I'm looking for would want me, even if he was out there. A lazy, useless, introverted girl who can't hold a job because of anxiety and contributes nothing practical… Every time people meet me, they think I'm weird because of my autism and they don't give me a chance. I can't even say that I blame them… I probably wouldn't want to waste time on me either.

As shitty as it sounds, I look at my boyfriend's dad and I see the perfect man. He calls me "kiddo" and "sweetie" and talks to me like I'm little and he has no idea how much it hurts that I can't have him as my daddy. I'd never in a million years act on my feelings for him, he's married and I love my boyfriend's mom like she's my own mom. But it still fucking hurts that the perfect man is right in front of me all the time and I can't have him.

I don't care if all of this sounds weird or awful. It's how I feel and my feelings are messy. Really messy. I'm tired of living like this. It's not good for me or my boyfriend. I don't want to be a ball and chain around his ankle. He's a good guy and I want him to be with someone who can complement him and work with him in life. And I need someone who's already stable and grown and who wants to take care of someone.

But I don't want to risk getting hurt or getting into an abusive relationship. I'm so terrified of the world and the people in it… It's hard to do anything but be complacent because of that fear.

I know I'm not a stupid girl. I'm extremely self-aware and cautious, probably to my own detriment because it keeps me from embracing potential positive change.

I just want to shit or get off the pot already. If I'm miserable, I want to either make myself not miserable or drink my SN. But I'm stuck in the purgatory of indecisiveness. Because I'm scared of everything… even dying.

God, I can't believe I made it another year. Why can't I just end it already.

 

[sakakap]

Not gonna lie I feel terrible on his behalf. On one hand I don't want to go much deeper into it because of the nature of this forum but on the other "any man like who I'm looking for" is such a vile thing to casually say :(

 

[avalokitesvara]

I think you've set up a pretty binary black and white situation here. Your options aren't try to fulfill your trauma-based fantasy, or kill yourself. You could also try healing from your trauma and working through your desire for this kind of relationship in therapy. I think you know you are better off with the stable loving situation you are currently in, and that pursuing your fantasy would be destructive. Just because something has a powerful draw in fantasy does not mean it would be a good idea or as good as you think it would be in reality. Don't blow your life up for something that is a chimera born out of your trauma.

It's hard but it is possible to heal from childhood trauma. There's a lot of resources out there.

 

[Grav]

I get what you're saying and it's a big minefield. I've known many people who felt a connection to someone older, usually friends parents. A lot of that was based on their homelife and what they weren't getting emotionally, but it never went into anything more serious.