I wish I could stop having autism special interests

[lemonandcapers]

When I develop an autistic special interest, it becomes an obsession. I can't stop thinking and talking about it. I want to consume all of its forms. And, usually, my special interests are on bands or music artists. I can't control the intensity, the artist, or the duration of the interest. I can feel the highest highs and the lowest lows from it.

I will have their music on loop, watch all of the music videos and interviews, think about them 24/7, join fan groups to discuss them, and more. It becomes all-consuming to the point where I physically cannot think about anything else but the band/artist. It is obvious how this can be problematic since it prevents me from taking care of myself or doing work. I, unintentionally, find myself becoming attached to the artists. I try my best not to let my interest become parasocial and keep my distance, but sometimes, it happens anyway. I will subconsciously project the values I perceive a good person to be onto the artist and assume they have good intentions. If someone criticizes the artist, specifically about them being problematic, it hurts me. It feels like an attack on myself because "how could you like an artist that does x, y, and z?".

Special interests of mine betray all logic. The artist is not my friend. I don't know their personalities or intentions. A lot of them, especially my current special interest, are rich and distance themselves from common folk like me. They spend their money on trivial expenses while people are dying and unable to afford the necessities. All of them are problematic to a certain extent. I should not put them on a pedestal. However, my brain will do it without me noticing.

It contributes to my suicidal thoughts that I have to keep on having this happen. I can't be normal about artists. It also makes me feel shame whenever I interact with others, especially leftists. It feels like a betrayal of my values and hypocrisy. I should be focusing on bettering my community, not some rich person in LA. This has caused me to feel shame whenever I do anything related to my special interest, and it ruins it for me.

I have tried to ignore the special interest, stop interacting with it, or replace it with something else, but my mind is not interested. If I stop consuming the media for too long, then I will become extremely depressed. I fell into a depression today from the combination of disappointment and shame in having my special interest. It caused me to cry in bed the entire day.

 

[spero_meliora]

so sorry you deal with this!

hyperfocus and hyperfixation like this especially is a direct result of it being a thing that brings you joy (as opposed to your depression). is there a way to engage with different parts of your hobbies and interests that you would not normally?

it's also okay to have strong interests, but if it's this distressing, do you think you can try to set a time limit for your engagement for the day? us neurodivergent people have a flawed/skewed sense of self that are unrelated to what other people have perceived of us. grounding techniques like focused breathing may help in redirecting your thoughts, too.

your brain is literally wired differently - it makes it so much harder than it should be. other people who are neurotypical seem to not often or ever have intrusive thoughts or what they entail. "oh yeah people with OCD have compulsions" but they don't understand they can be actively harmful.

 

[lemonandcapers]

When you say "engage with different parts of my hobbies that I would not normally", what do you mean by that?
I could try and set a time limit on how much I spend on the special interest. Thank you for the suggestion! I think other neurodivergent people can also be guilty with assumptions about how harmful special interests can be. The narrative that special interests are just silly little interests on certain topics, rather than something that can be detrimental, is one that gets pushed a lot.

 

[spero_meliora]

When you say "engage with different parts of my hobbies that I would not normally", what do you mean by that?
I could try and set a time limit on how much I spend on the special interest. Thank you for the suggestion!

No problem! and this will be a winding explanation but hear me out :)

A friend of mine would hyperfixate on specific games, to the point of it becoming a detriment to their school, work, and personal life. They decided to try to branch out a little, step by step...

-First, by trying different genres.
- Then, by actively looking deeply into the development background of any particular game
- The concept art inspired them for a while, and they were often drawing in their spare time for a bit.
- This proceeded to move into how certain parts of the thing in question were made. One month it'd be researching video game music and orchestration, another one or two on game engines and their differences, etc...
- Which eventually lead to them learning programming as a new hobby

Basically, I guess the idea is to deconstruct it to it's finest levels, and then put a little more thought into the how and why behind what it is. It's tangentially related so it should still hold interest, but distinct enough that you might not feel like you're ruminating!

 

[lemonandcapers]

I could try doing that. Thank you so much for the advice!

 

[yowai]

Welp look at it differently at least you can feel passionate about something and it's stuff that keeps you going and gives you joy without actually harming anyone

 

[badkarma4618]

even though i have never been diagnosed with autism, i relate so much to what you said, especially the tunnel vision feeling. when i get into something new, it is like my brain locks in and will not let go. it becomes everything. the only thing i can think about, talk about, or focus on. it feels euphoric, almost like a high i did not ask for but cannot resist. but it is also draining and isolating, like being in a world no one else understands. i have spent reckless amounts of money chasing that feeling, legos, houseplants, art supplies, a sewing machine. things i swore would be lifelong passions. when i am in it, it feels vital, like mastering that thing is the only way to breathe. and then one day, the feeling fades, and i am left with stuff collecting dust and a heavy sense of shame. i hate how much i feed into consumerism even though i know better, like i am betraying my own values just to quiet my brain. but no matter how aware i am, when a new interest shows up, it is like everything else disappears until i give in. i feel you completely. you are not broken or weak. there is something powerful about loving things that fully, it just comes with a mess sometimes. i am learning how to forgive myself for that. i hope you can too.

 

[Pluto]

 

[Amile]

Same, I wish i had at least an useful interest like programing or something like that instead of having +30000 stupid images.
At least viewing that aerial images of random cities that nobody knows where are is kinda one of the few things i like in this world i guess.

 

[Phosphate mate]

Same, I wish i had at least an useful interest like programing or something like that instead of having +30000 stupid images.
At least viewing that aerial images of random cities that nobody knows where are is kinda one of the few things i like in this world i guess.

That's actually quite cool - what's your fav little known city from the sky?

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

I can see how they can be intrusive but for me, the special interest is one of the very few things that drive me into living. I derive pleasure from it. If I didn't have those, I would probably have CTBed a long time ago.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

Very relatable - I find autism a special kind of hell. I have no way to cope, other than trying move beyond obsessing over a band to trying to take audio production courses instead.