Help how to form new bonds when you're too autistic and traumatized to form bonds?

[Chuunibyou]

I'm realizing I need new friends. my current social circle has shrunk down pretty small and I feel more alone than I have in a long time.

I'm autistic. if you've read my previous posts you know I'm also pretty cold and detached from others. I don't experience empathy, and most of my social life (even at the best of times) is made up of me masking who I really am. I pretend to be normal but my real self isn't. I pretend to care about others but truthfully I don't. it's exhausting. I also have unusual interests and ethical values. I love death, self harm, cannibalism, everything gross or scary, but I'm a fairly radical leftist too.

I just want to find someone like-minded irl who I can unmask and be myself around. maybe that's too big of an ask, considering being myself would ideally involve me not pretending to care about someone's feelings more than I do lol. but I'm just so tired. I'm tired of acting all the time, and I'm tired of feeling alone.

how should I go about finding someone that fits my life? because of my autism I have poor social skills, and because of my trauma I'm terrified to the point of paralysis when I try and be "outgoing". just the other day I met someone I was interested in, and even after he flirted with me clearly trying to prompt me to ask for his number or something, I still couldn't. I didn't continue the conversation further and ended up autistically eloping. and that was someone I *wanted* to pursue! usually I don't even get that far.

I've tried dating apps, friendship apps, regularly attending hobby meet-ups, bars, clubs, etc. nothing has helped. all the friends and partners I've had (past and present) are people who pursued me first, and continued to pursue me despite my difficult nature. I need to figure out a way to be the one taking initiative, or I'm afraid I'll only become more alone.

any advice appreciated, even if it doesn't fit my exact situation. I hope I haven't rambled too much, and this still makes sense.

 

[Yuri440]

I love the last line, sounds like how I'd sign off on my messages with people haha

It's a hard thing. I'm autistic too, but I think I'm fortunate enough that I while I also struggle with empathy and relationships with people, I also don't feel lonely, so I've got that going for me.

Speaking from my experience, I don't really care for being outgoing to bars and such. I met my only friend I have at work, she's autistic too, and we have different interests but align really well with our personalities. It was completely by chance.

I've met a few other people that I personally don't consider 'friends' just because I don't really care to have more friends, but are also autistic and would've probably been up for friendships if I shared their interest in it. I met those through an autism group that I went to as part of my mental health team's referral. It was a learning autism thing as I'm only recently diagnosed, and they showed us a lot of other support groups and such around the area that cater to neurodiverse people. It might be worth having a gander online at anything local to you that's in your comfort area, and if you have anyone you can take with you like a safe person, take them with you. Most places that cater to this kind of thing are absolutely happy for you to bring someone, since it's a common thing to do.

When it comes to your interests, I think that's where you're going to struggle. Personally I wouldn't really mind too much if someone was into gross and scary things, depending on what you mean specifically with that. For the self harm, death, and cannibalism you're probably going to struggle and IN MY OPINION which you can absolutely take with a pinch of salt, I would ask before fully opening up with those if the other person is comfortable with you speaking about them either as an interest or talking about your struggle with them, just out of consideration of the other person and what they feel. Random fact, did you know yam yam in Turkish means cannibal? I can't ever stop referring to cannibals as yam yams because it makes me laugh haha

You're definitely going to struggle. Just remember that it'll likely take time to find someone who you're fully comfortable with both because you're wanting someone who will be comfortable with your interests and you have that trauma with you that's going to be a road block. Baby steps, and you can always ask for more help if you need it here <3

Editing this because my brain just actually had a thought. Shocking, I know. Make sure to learn to listen. I struggled with that a lot when talking to people I liked, to the point I would usually annoy and overwhelm them with my constant talking. People, including those who are autistic like us, love to feel like people are interested. Both my best friend and myself were noticeably happy when we realised the other one was actually listening and interested in listening to what we were saying. One of our first calls she talked to me about fish for 7 hours straight. Guess what her special interest is? Hahahaha