Venting I want to be saved, even though I fully know my loved ones won't notice the signs.

[tiltedcompass]

In my case, "loved ones" means my mother and my boyfriend.
I apologize for the wall of text. Don't feel obligated to read, I'm just trying to put my feelings into words.

My mom used to be overprotective, but pressured me a lot and had high expectations of me. She screamed at me when I "tried to ctb" at 14, when it was just some shallow vertical cut on my arm. She never tried to understand me, it became a taboo subject for us. Up to this day, she doesn't even know that I didn't want to die back then. I only wanted for someone to notice I needed help (which I did receive but the experience was quite unpleasant).
Years ago, when I started having panic attacks due to anxiety, she screamed at me, telling me how useless I was. Whenever something bad happened, she put the blame on me for being lazy. She kicked me out twice, ended up coming back. Said that I shouldn't talk back because she's my mother.
Despite all of that, she still "loves" me, or so I want to believe. She's aware I'm in deep depression, and even managed to get appointments for me (after I had a mental breakdown in front of her and threatened to ctb)... But now I'm stuck in this limbo of waiting for months until a professional decides to finally listen to me. I'm not particularly angry at my mom, I'm aware she has her own problems as well and she's dealing with many things right now.

As for my boyfriend... When I started cutting myself again years ago, he was supportive yet worried about me. He even recommended me some healthy coping mechanisms instead of cutting (some of them aren't useful anymore, though). When I decided to open up about my traumas, he was there, always trying to find ways to make me feel better.
Now I can clearly tell that he reached his limit. I know it was my fault, as I ended up venting to him almost every day. He gets annoyed (explicitly said so), and doesn't understand why I don't just "stop overthinking and distract myself with a show/videogame/etc". I'm aware that the love we felt at the start, many years ago, almost vanished. And it was all because of my mental illnesses. I almost feel as if I ruined him.

Now, to the main point of my post.
I've been more depressed than usual these days. Blood results came back, something's wrong and I'm terrified. My birthday is coming up this week, but I don't feel like there's anything to celebrate. There's also some fixing to be done in my house but we're in the process of finding someone. My mom is particularly pissed off about this and snaps at me and my boyfriend.
My boyfriend now plays videogames to distract himself, he doesn't want to go to the doctor for his yearly check-up because he's lazy and that stresses me out. This whole concoction of issues made me stop eating (I only have dinner, and only because I'm the one who cooks in this house), I lay down in bed all day and cry a lot.

Just an hour ago I lazily dressed up and told my boyfriend I would "walk for a while" (maybe I should mention that this was the first time I went outside in weeks). I was expecting him to stop me or to come with me knowing that I have suicidal thoughts, but nothing.
I kept looking back, in case he was following me. Still nothing.
I stood in front of the road and had the strong impulse to jump in front of a bus, truck, anything. But my mind drifted to thoughts like "what if I survive? What if I die? Is this the only thing that I'm going to do? Run towards a vehicle and pray that I stop living?"

After walking for a while, I came back home. No one was worried, my boyfriend was playing as always and my mom was drinking coffee. For some reason, I'm disappointed in myself and in my family. I know I desperately want to be saved by them, in fact, even if I managed to get hit by a vehicle, I was hoping I could get hospitalized instead. To show my pain to them, to show them how much I'm suffering, to show them the signs they so clearly missed.

Sorry for my rant. I know this is all my fault, as I'm the one in charge of my life yet nothing has changed in years. I try to convince myself that there's beauty in life, I just can't see it. But it's not working, and I'm reaching my limit. I live only for my loved ones, but my mind is driving me crazy. I want to disappear, to believe that once I die, everyone will forget that I ever existed.

 

[k1m]

Have you tried... talking to them?

 

[tiltedcompass]

Have you tried... talking to them?

I did with my boyfriend. That's how he eventually grew tired of me, he doesn't know how to deal with my situation at all. He even got angry at me when I told him I tried to strangulate myself recently.

My mom is another story. It started since the time she found out about my cuts when I was 14. As I said, it's a taboo subject for us but now I feel terrified of her (not sure why this started, maybe when she screamed at me during the panic attacks or when she kicked me out? No idea).
I'm aware I do need to talk about my feelings with her sooner and later, but I legitimately get panic attacks at the mere thought of it.

 

[lainduster]

In my case, "loved ones" means my mother and my boyfriend.
I apologize for the wall of text. Don't feel obligated to read, I'm just trying to put my feelings into words.

My mom used to be overprotective, but pressured me a lot and had high expectations of me. She screamed at me when I "tried to ctb" at 14, when it was just some shallow vertical cut on my arm. She never tried to understand me, it became a taboo subject for us. Up to this day, she doesn't even know that I didn't want to die back then. I only wanted for someone to notice I needed help (which I did receive but the experience was quite unpleasant).
Years ago, when I started having panic attacks due to anxiety, she screamed at me, telling me how useless I was. Whenever something bad happened, she put the blame on me for being lazy. She kicked me out twice, ended up coming back. Said that I shouldn't talk back because she's my mother.
Despite all of that, she still "loves" me, or so I want to believe. She's aware I'm in deep depression, and even managed to get appointments for me (after I had a mental breakdown in front of her and threatened to ctb)... But now I'm stuck in this limbo of waiting for months until a professional decides to finally listen to me. I'm not particularly angry at my mom, I'm aware she has her own problems as well and she's dealing with many things right now.

As for my boyfriend... When I started cutting myself again years ago, he was supportive yet worried about me. He even recommended me some healthy coping mechanisms instead of cutting (some of them aren't useful anymore, though). When I decided to open up about my traumas, he was there, always trying to find ways to make me feel better.
Now I can clearly tell that he reached his limit. I know it was my fault, as I ended up venting to him almost every day. He gets annoyed (explicitly said so), and doesn't understand why I don't just "stop overthinking and distract myself with a show/videogame/etc". I'm aware that the love we felt at the start, many years ago, almost vanished. And it was all because of my mental illnesses. I almost feel as if I ruined him.

Now, to the main point of my post.
I've been more depressed than usual these days. Blood results came back, something's wrong and I'm terrified. My birthday is coming up this week, but I don't feel like there's anything to celebrate. There's also some fixing to be done in my house but we're in the process of finding someone. My mom is particularly pissed off about this and snaps at me and my boyfriend.
My boyfriend now plays videogames to distract himself, he doesn't want to go to the doctor for his yearly check-up because he's lazy and that stresses me out. This whole concoction of issues made me stop eating (I only have dinner, and only because I'm the one who cooks in this house), I lay down in bed all day and cry a lot.

Just an hour ago I lazily dressed up and told my boyfriend I would "walk for a while" (maybe I should mention that this was the first time I went outside in weeks). I was expecting him to stop me or to come with me knowing that I have suicidal thoughts, but nothing.
I kept looking back, in case he was following me. Still nothing.
I stood in front of the road and had the strong impulse to jump in front of a bus, truck, anything. But my mind drifted to thoughts like "what if I survive? What if I die? Is this the only thing that I'm going to do? Run towards a vehicle and pray that I stop living?"

After walking for a while, I came back home. No one was worried, my boyfriend was playing as always and my mom was drinking coffee. For some reason, I'm disappointed in myself and in my family. I know I desperately want to be saved by them, in fact, even if I managed to get hit by a vehicle, I was hoping I could get hospitalized instead. To show my pain to them, to show them how much I'm suffering, to show them the signs they so clearly missed.

Sorry for my rant. I know this is all my fault, as I'm the one in charge of my life yet nothing has changed in years. I try to convince myself that there's beauty in life, I just can't see it. But it's not working, and I'm reaching my limit. I live only for my loved ones, but my mind is driving me crazy. I want to disappear, to believe that once I die, everyone will forget that I ever existed.

I know it doesn't mean much from a stranger but everything is going to be okay. Try to.. take things slowly, I know its very very rough but you can get through this, one step at a time. As long as you have hope, no matter what it is, you can live another day.. No matter how stupid something may seem just hold on to it and never let go, never lose your hope, that's what works for me at least. It's something probably impossible in my case but I will never ever ever ever let go of it. Whether it be love in your boyfriend, your mom, yourself or whatever else you might like- keep loving it and never stop. Be the most delusional person on this planet if you have to just keep going. You might want to check out the recovery part of the forum, I'm sure there's something in there you can find that might help. Hope you're doing well and even better tomorrow :)

 

[tiltedcompass]

I know it doesn't mean much from a stranger but everything is going to be okay. Try to.. take things slowly, I know its very very rough but you can get through this, one step at a time. As long as you have hope, no matter what it is, you can live another day.. No matter how stupid something may seem just hold on to it and never let go, never lose your hope, that's what works for me at least. It's something probably impossible in my case but I will never ever ever ever let go of it. Whether it be love in your boyfriend, your mom, yourself or whatever else you might like- keep loving it and never stop. Be the most delusional person on this planet if you have to just keep going. You might want to check out the recovery part of the forum, I'm sure there's something in there you can find that might help. Hope you're doing well and even better tomorrow :)

Thank you for your words. If I've been living this long it's because I didn't want others to feel saddened by my death, so I'll try to keep going even if it's just because of my family. I guess I'll eventually find something to live for.
And that's a good idea, I've actually never checked the recovery section so maybe now is the best time to do so. Thanks again

 

[monetpompo]

Just an hour ago I lazily dressed up and told my boyfriend I would "walk for a while" (maybe I should mention that this was the first time I went outside in weeks). I was expecting him to stop me or to come with me knowing that I have suicidal thoughts, but nothing.
I kept looking back, in case he was following me. Still nothing.
I stood in front of the road and had the strong impulse to jump in front of a bus, truck, anything. But my mind drifted to thoughts like "what if I survive? What if I die? Is this the only thing that I'm going to do? Run towards a vehicle and pray that I stop living?"

After walking for a while, I came back home. No one was worried, my boyfriend was playing as always and my mom was drinking coffee. For some reason, I'm disappointed in myself and in my family.

i feel like this so often!!!!!!!!!
there's a road near my house where there's no crosswalk, so i've thought about going there at night and trying to get blasted by a car. it's really dangerous there since the cars usually go fast and don't stop for a while. i never go there, though. i hardly go outside. i just end up having these really violent thoughts about getting run over or mutilating myself because i want someone to notice and try and stop me. when i vent, i know it just makes people uncomfortable. i only tell one person how i feel and they always never know what to do or how to talk to me when i get depressed and start talking about how i want to kill myself. he just wants me to distract myself or talk to him when i feel better.

it's so hard to get people to care about your situation, especially when they're overly familiar with it and are just tired of dealing with it. it really sucks that there's no one in your life who cares, and that you stood by the road wishing that one of them would notice that you were about to attempt. i also recommend going to the recovery thread.

on nights where it's hard for me, i don't really have anyone to go to or anything comforting to think about. the only thing that feels comforting to me is thinking about other people caring about me once i die, because that's when people miss you the most. people don't miss you when you're alive, and that makes me really sad.