Venting I don't want to be ignored anymore

[HorfPill]

2 days ago I spontaneously told my best friend that maybe it would be best if we stopped being friends, because I have a feeling that some sort of higher power wants us to seperate. I didn't tell her but a large reason I asked to seperate is that I have serious issues around jealousy of her and her gf, OCD causes me to have a ton of intrusive thoughts of hurting her in one way or another, and my BPD/abandonment issues causes these awful mood swings where I swear that I hate her and want her dead. I'm deathly afraid that one of these days, I won't be able to mask these feelings anymore and I'll lash out in a bad way. She's expressed a lot of sympathy and understanding around my symptoms, and I'm sure she would forgive me no matter what, but I really don't want to get there in the first place.

Another reason I'm swearing off contact with her is that I just want to see that she cares. I hate always being the one to initiate contact, or being left on read. I kind of want to force her hand to make some sort of gesture, like showing up to my house unannounced or some shit. I understand that's manipulative, but I just can't take being ignored anymore.

My main fear in all this is that she's going to assume that I want space, and not that I'm making a cry for help.

Bleghhhhh it all makes me so upset...... i love her so much, and it hurts knowing that i love her so much more than she loves me

｡･(つд`｡)･｡

 

[maki]

the manipulative stuff is such a mood

 

[bl33ding_heart]

Have you had any form of treatment for your bpd and ocd?

 

[eggsausagerice]

i love being manipulative... i love cutting people off and feeling so bad i want to puke because other people can't stand me...

2 days ago I spontaneously told my best friend that maybe it would be best if we stopped being friends, because I have a feeling that some sort of higher power wants us to seperate. I didn't tell her but a large reason I asked to seperate is that I have serious issues around jealousy of her and her gf, OCD causes me to have a ton of intrusive thoughts of hurting her in one way or another, and my BPD/abandonment issues causes these awful mood swings where I swear that I hate her and want her dead.

She's expressed a lot of sympathy and understanding around my symptoms, and I'm sure she would forgive me no matter what, but I really don't want to get there in the first place.

Another reason I'm swearing off contact with her is that I just want to see that she cares. I hate always being the one to initiate contact, or being left on read.

i really love the way you worded your post because this is how feel when i'm jealous of the people i'm close to (not diagnosed with bpd, so i don't know if i share the same symptoms). i really don't want to hurt the people around me, but i can't get close to people because i always feel a burning jealousy knowing that they have a job/they're doing well in college/they have more friends/they have a partner, because i ruminate on how they must be better than me and that makes me hate them and want them to die. i can't stand being lesser than other people and i just start wanting to put myself down and say that people like them more than me and i'm just nothing. i also hate being left on read because it triggers my anxiety BADLY and makes me think i'm fucked up or that they're having fun without me and i'm just a loser. i take everything personally. i'm an emotional landmine. i just feel like a burden to most people.

 

[interna]

Another reason I'm swearing off contact with her is that I just want to see that she cares.

this isn't how it works, even if it sucks to hear .
if she respects you, then she's gonna respect your boundaries. if you tell people you wanna be alone, then they'll leave you alone.

 

[eggsausagerice]

this isn't how it works, even if it sucks to hear .
if she respects you, then she's gonna respect your boundaries. if you tell people you wanna be alone, then they'll leave you alone.

 

[4colliez]

My main fear in all this is that she's going to assume that I want space, and not that I'm making a cry for help.

Heavy on this... i had the horrible tendency of pushing people away to "test" them and see if they'd come back to me. Ofc it's contradictory and it feels so shitty to do when you're self aware. I've managed to distance myself from this but sometimes i feel like i still subconsciously do it instead of openly telling people i'm not doing well and want help/support. i hate it

 

[HorfPill]

this isn't how it works, even if it sucks to hear .
if she respects you, then she's gonna respect your boundaries. if you tell people you wanna be alone, then they'll leave you alone.

I realize this is almost definitely true, but the fact that right before cutting contact she specifically asked if I was especially suicidal, and I brushed past it.
Probably not a good enough sign tho

i really love the way you worded your post because this is how feel when i'm jealous of the people i'm close to (not diagnosed with bpd, so i don't know if i share the same symptoms). i really don't want to hurt the people around me, but i can't get close to people because i always feel a burning jealousy knowing that they have a job/they're doing well in college/they have more friends/they have a partner, because i ruminate on how they must be better than me and that makes me hate them and want them to die. i can't stand being lesser than other people and i just start wanting to put myself down and say that people like them more than me and i'm just nothing. i also hate being left on read because it triggers my anxiety BADLY and makes me think i'm fucked up or that they're having fun without me and i'm just a loser. i take everything personally. i'm an emotional landmine. i just feel like a burden to most people.

Heavy on this... i had the horrible tendency of pushing people away to "test" them and see if they'd come back to me. Ofc it's contradictory and it feels so shitty to do when you're self aware. I've managed to distance myself from this but sometimes i feel like i still subconsciously do it instead of openly telling people i'm not doing well and want help/support. i hate it

Thank you guys so much for sharing, it helps a lot.

Have you had any form of treatment for your bpd and ocd?

Not specifically bpd, ocd yes when I was 13 and my symptoms were nothing like how they are now.
I'm struggling to find a therapist and I want to go to residential, but I'm not sure that my insurance would cover it.