Venting I want to be a boy

[3spiral]

ok maybe I don't want to BE a boy. like, I don't wanna have a dick, but I certainly want to look like one, and be a little bit of a part of the masculine universe

sometimes I feel like I'm just a straight boy who's inside a female's body and that's why I feel attracted to myself when I look in the mirror. this body isn't really me. I'm inside, somewhere, and this is just another woman that I see in front of me so of course I'm gonna feel attracted to her

I don't want to be biologically a boy though, because I don't think that what I have between my legs really changes who I am (and I also don't want to have body hair, ew) also I just think that being afab is more convenient, but I have tried to hide and bind my chest many times during my adolescence and I have considered top surgery before

sometimes I also look at the group of boys at school and I kinda wish they would see me the same way they see each other, even though I like having female friends and I feel safe around them. I feel like I could be more myself if I were a boy (ignoring the masculine pressure of being "tough" because I'm really soft lol)

I like makeup and some more feminine clothing, but not clothes that are conventionally made for women. for example, I'm terrified of cropped shirts, dresses and skirts (even though I liked them when I was a kid? because they made me feel more "free" as there was less contact between clothing and my skin and stopped liking them as soon as my body started to "mature"), and I also don't like when makeup makes me look too feminine. like, a boy who isn't really afraid of looking feminine but also doesn't want to be mistaken as a woman. if you like MCR think about the way that gerard expresses his gender

I would sometimes pretend to be a boy in games as a kid too lol. but I didn't mind being a girl

idk if I'm transgender or a tomboy or I'm just insecure and that makes me think I would have more confidence as a boy but this thing always seems to come back no matter how much I try to ignore it

I posted this here because I know there is a lot of transgender people in sasu and I would love to talk about it and see if anyone relates to me or if I'm just delusional

 

[DashofPepper]

im mtf but i kinda relate to the sort of things youre saying, like my ideal presentation varies between faggy guy and butch lesbian but like if i try and wear someting too masculine i feel super uncomfortable.
for me not minding your gender is not the same as finding happiness in it.
if youre unsure then just experiment like masculinity and femininity are not monoliths and you dont have to see yourself as a super buff cowboy to be a man. genders all made up anyway so i wouldnt get bogged down in labels.

 

[3spiral]

im mtf but i kinda relate to the sort of things youre saying, like my ideal presentation varies between faggy guy and butch lesbian but like if i try and wear someting too masculine i feel super uncomfortable.
for me not minding your gender is not the same as finding happiness in it.
if youre unsure then just experiment like masculinity and femininity are not monoliths and you dont have to see yourself as a super buff cowboy to be a man. genders all made up anyway so i wouldnt get bogged down in labels.

yeah, I don't like worryig about labels either. I want to do whatever makes me happy, but I still feel the need to understand myself because I feel sort of uncomfortable with being called a woman, a she or by my own name sometimes and I want to be able to communicate this without sounding stupid or regretting it later because I was just confused and it's not who I really am

 

[if_i_make_it]

hi! im a trans man whos been socially transitioning for 10 years and on T for nearly 3, and I just got top surgery last month. and what youre saying here is very relatable to my experiences.

every single one of those decisions is hands down the best ones I ever made for my life. It's definitely scary and unsure and awkward at first. It's very normal to feel like an imposter in either label. Maybe your goals won't look the same as mine, but I will say not for a second have I regretted the moment 10 years ago I decided I was transgender.

i didn't mind being a girl when I was a child, I would dress up and wear pink etc. but probably around age 10 I felt very weird in my body and up through my teens was very disassociated from it and began to be very disassociated from my life as a whole. I would have panic attacks whenever I would get close to people because it felt like a lie- before I even realized I wanted to be a boy. My first relationship as a boy was like, the best ive ever felt in my life lol. it was the first thing that had ever felt right and I had ever felt present in.

Anyway, I agree with the other comment, you don't have to worry about labels, and you don't have to jump right in. I hope my experience can help you figure some things out. I don't think you're delusional either way.

 

[Captain laser]

what got me to realize id be happier as a boy was thinking about the massive envy i always felt around male social groups, i always desperately tried to make them see me as one of them (never worked :/) i also cried of joy at the thought of my dad calling me son
but you're the person who knows yourself best so in the end its your call :P

 

[LilGhost]

ok maybe I don't want to BE a boy. like, I don't wanna have a dick, but I certainly want to look like one, and be a little bit of a part of the masculine universe

sometimes I feel like I'm just a straight boy who's inside a female's body and that's why I feel attracted to myself when I look in the mirror. this body isn't really me. I'm inside, somewhere, and this is just another woman that I see in front of me so of course I'm gonna feel attracted to her

I don't want to be biologically a boy though, because I don't think that what I have between my legs really changes who I am (and I also don't want to have body hair, ew) also I just think that being afab is more convenient, but I have tried to hide and bind my chest many times during my adolescence and I have considered top surgery before

sometimes I also look at the group of boys at school and I kinda wish they would see me the same way they see each other, even though I like having female friends and I feel safe around them. I feel like I could be more myself if I were a boy (ignoring the masculine pressure of being "tough" because I'm really soft lol)

I like makeup and some more feminine clothing, but not clothes that are conventionally made for women. for example, I'm terrified of cropped shirts, dresses and skirts (even though I liked them when I was a kid? because they made me feel more "free" as there was less contact between clothing and my skin and stopped liking them as soon as my body started to "mature"), and I also don't like when makeup makes me look too feminine. like, a boy who isn't really afraid of looking feminine but also doesn't want to be mistaken as a woman. if you like MCR think about the way that gerard expresses his gender

I would sometimes pretend to be a boy in games as a kid too lol. but I didn't mind being a girl

idk if I'm transgender or a tomboy or I'm just insecure and that makes me think I would have more confidence as a boy but this thing always seems to come back no matter how much I try to ignore it

I posted this here because I know there is a lot of transgender people in sasu and I would love to talk about it and see if anyone relates to me or if I'm just delusional

Welcoming you to the community ^^
Labels suck as lots of people mentioned here, so i can advice you to look whatever you want if it is safe in your country. Also, you dont need to "pass" as masc in order to ask people around you to use pronounces you find correct
Actually I know that trans community is trying to make society stop seeing trans people as people who were born in a "wrong" body, as it is not uncommon to have an expirience like you when a person feels like a boy, but dont want to have male genitals or change their body a lot. You dont need to transition in order to be a boy
And cool facts. Gender is a spectrum. I am myself can kinda relate to you, as I am agender. I dont want to have facial hair, any gender genitals, I just want people to perceive me as a genderless creature (also, pronounces and shit are funny, as you can have multiple of them or neo pronounces. Like you can have multiple like: they/he/it/xey)

Good luck on your search of yourself ^^

 

[insectontrial]

I guess the question you ought to ask yourself is this. Assuming you're not a minor, and "boy" would therefore not be the right term for you at present - do you want to be a man, or a boy? Or do you believe you should've been a boy and now wish to be a man? I know it's all semantics, but it might help you dissect the thought a little.

For me I think the fact you say you wouldn't want body hair or other external signs of being male tells me it might just be you are a masculine woman or tomboy, or perhaps non-binary or genderqueer. There are lots of websites where you can go to read up on these things.

I'm totally supportive of trans people, by the way - this affects someone close to me, and it deeply upsets me when people don't bother with correct pronouns, or think pronouns are a political thing. I also think we have a real issue with manufactured hatred around this topic in the UK, where I live.

There's also the matter of your happiness to consider. If transitioning is truly what makes you happy and is the thing that prevents you from CTB then I think that says it all, really. I sincerely wish you the very best of luck in figuring it out.

 

[doener11]

I'm super surprised to see someone here who feels the EXACT same as me, except in reverse bc I am a guy. Don't think you're at all delusional for feeling this way. Apart from the part about feeling attracted to myself, every single part of that I agree with and can understand why you feel that way. I'm not trans, and don't think I'll every be and I advise you to do the same. If you're happy as a girl, stay that way, it avoids so many problems that come with being trans. The grass is always greener on the other side. As you are a girl, you can be pretty masculine and have relatively little societal rejection, which makes me think that you are still 'better' staying a girl (lack of a better word there). Being in that middle bit of gender really is annoying lol, but your feelings are valid and not delusional, but shy away from making yourself 'feel' trans if you don't need to.

 

[3spiral]

I guess the question you ought to ask yourself is this. Assuming you're not a minor, and "boy" would therefore not be the right term for you at present - do you want to be a man, or a boy? Or do you believe you should've been a boy and now wish to be a man? I know it's all semantics, but it might help you dissect the thought a little.

For me I think the fact you say you wouldn't want body hair or other external signs of being male tells me it might just be you are a masculine woman or tomboy, or perhaps non-binary or genderqueer. There are lots of websites where you can go to read up on these things.

I'm totally supportive of trans people, by the way - this affects someone close to me, and it deeply upsets me when people don't bother with correct pronouns, or think pronouns are a political thing. I also think we have a real issue with manufactured hatred around this topic in the UK, where I live.

There's also the matter of your happiness to consider. If transitioning is truly what makes you happy and is the thing that prevents you from CTB then I think that says it all, really. I sincerely wish you the very best of luck in figuring it out.

honestly I just say "boy" instead of "man" because it sounds more affectionate and it's also kinda common to call people my age boys and girls, at least in my country. I also mostly live among people who are like 16-18 years old so I don't really feel like a "man" yet (also I look like I'm 14)
but yeah, I've been expressing in a more masculine way lately and it's been great for me. maybe I really just feel a connection with masculinity without being trans, but I still feel uncomfortable when people call me a girl/woman, a "she" or even by my own name. and I also really want to get rid of my boobs sometimes lol
maybe I'm really just a neutral presenting person so I feel the need to get rid of certain feminine characteristics to "even things out" since I'm already biologically female