Venting i want someone to die with

[v0id]

i'm not really looking for someone by posting this. i just want to rant about my thoughts that has been circulating around my head for the longest time. since i was a kid, i have always fantasized about love and romance that is so great—that eventually, i will have this special one who will understand me in every way possible the way i will also understand them. but alas, i never have experienced anything romantic. it's not like i wasn't trying, but it simply doesn't come. i think i have the tendency to keep people at an arm's length, even my closest friend.

i just don't think i'll meet people who will actually understand what it's like to be this. i'm convinced that i can't be dating "normal" people because they won't get it, no matter how close they become to understanding suicidality. i'm pretty sure i could only genuinely and deeply connect with people who also wanted to die, be it platonic or romantic. maybe it's why although i have great friends, i feel incredibly lonely.

by all means, i'm not demeaning the connection i have made with other people. it might not be as deep, but it's there. i love my friends, and they truly are good people. i don't necessarily "pretend" i'm okay when i'm with them because i simply just... forget. my head isn't as heavy whenever i hang out with them. i can smile and laugh. and then i'd go back to whatever this is. sometimes, i can't help but think about how i'm probably using them as distraction, but never letting them get to my mind. i learned how to perform "oversharing" and vulnerability so that i'd keep what's fucked in my head. it's pretty sad.

i've been hesitant in telling my best friend anything at all when she got a lover. i'm genuinely happy for her. it's just that, i feel a little lonely because now, it goes without saying that her lover is the priority. based on what she told me, it seems like they get each other pretty well in all aspects. we used to be dwelling in similar misery, but now she's talking about the future, and marriage. i'm so glad she can now see a future in front of her, but i can't lie: i feel a little lonely. and sad, because i can't promise a future where i'm there. i can't promise that i will attend future events related to her life. right now, i think she's on the path to becoming stable and normal. i feel like i can't bother her with the same bullshit i can't get away from (i.e. my head) because i'll drag her down.

i just wish to have a special someone for me, who will understand. who will die with me. or maybe kill me. i don't know. there's just something so hard with human relationships. i feel like everyone gets it and i simply don't. it almost feels humiliating to have THIS much issues, and still not be able to experience something as human as love. it's like i'm not meant to be alive at all.

 

[JassieDusk]

I get it.
I have great friends, even a long term partner, but as you said, they belong to them. To the "normal" ones. We are like imposters, getting to connect with people who belong to us only through a screen, in my case through this website. Not even in the millions of psychiatric wards did I find someone who supports my decision to die. I just want someone to say "hey, I support you in whatever path you take. I'm with you". Maybe even "I'll go with you". But no, I have to let go of myself, my desire of a beautiful self destruction, of death cravings, I have to separate from myself when I am amongst them. And I believe there won't ever be anyone to connect with. I walked on this earth alone and alone I shall leave it and no one will ever understand why I left