I wanna do it rn so bad

[woofwag]

I can't. I haven't written out my notes physically or made the things I promised people or had one last nice goodbye. But I want to so bad. Idk how to stop thinking about it. One moment I'm applying to jobs, trying to get rental assistance, eating well, actually doing things to help myself, and the next I'm back here to this pit of despair. But I don't think I ever really left. I think I can distract myself, lie to myself about my intentions, but know that in the back of my head it's always there. I got out my sewing machine finally to work on the projects I promised people. I got a new notebook and wrote out one note. I made a new Instagram account to direct people to when I schedule my death post (because for some reason you can only do that on a business account idk why). It's not nearly as much as I need to do. But it's a very pointed direction.

The real thing of it is that I don't know if I can make myself try to accept recovery any longer. Even my therapist said that my suicidal thoughts weren't responding to her treatment... I'm so tired of being tired. How am I supposed to cope with losing my system? My therapist? My passion? My degree? My capacity to reply to the people I love? And pretty soon, if I don't get my shit together, my housing too. I am only trying to get a job again because I don't think I can finish prep by February 8th and if I have no money, well, I have to leave. That's just how it is. But I am still disabled, and the only jobs around here are physical jobs. So... I guess I really am going to destroy my body just as much as I've already destroyed my mind. That'll be fun to do in my last fucking moments. Or who knows! I'll keep living, and even more miserably than before!

Life is a gift? What a sick fucking joke. This is a curse. I just want to die so bad, so bad, especially right now it hurts

 

[itsgone2]

Life is a gift? What a sick fucking joke. This is a curse. I just want to die so bad, so bad, especially right now it hurts

Agree. What sucks is I had the life and threw it away. It's torture

 

[woofwag]

Agree. What sucks is I had the life and threw it away. It's torture

I get it. I wish I could take what life I had and give it to someone else who actually wants to live. Shouldn't be people dying of cancer or heart disease or car crash or shooting or any of the billion things that can kill you before you're ready when I've been ready to die for my whole life. I hate this hell. People say wallowing doesn't help, but I'll wallow all I damn well please until I finally put myself down

 

[Bleh61]

I can't. I haven't written out my notes physically or made the things I promised people or had one last nice goodbye. But I want to so bad. Idk how to stop thinking about it. One moment I'm applying to jobs, trying to get rental assistance, eating well, actually doing things to help myself, and the next I'm back here to this pit of despair. But I don't think I ever really left. I think I can distract myself, lie to myself about my intentions, but know that in the back of my head it's always there. I got out my sewing machine finally to work on the projects I promised people. I got a new notebook and wrote out one note. I made a new Instagram account to direct people to when I schedule my death post (because for some reason you can only do that on a business account idk why). It's not nearly as much as I need to do. But it's a very pointed direction.

The real thing of it is that I don't know if I can make myself try to accept recovery any longer. Even my therapist said that my suicidal thoughts weren't responding to her treatment... I'm so tired of being tired. How am I supposed to cope with losing my system? My therapist? My passion? My degree? My capacity to reply to the people I love? And pretty soon, if I don't get my shit together, my housing too. I am only trying to get a job again because I don't think I can finish prep by February 8th and if I have no money, well, I have to leave. That's just how it is. But I am still disabled, and the only jobs around here are physical jobs. So... I guess I really am going to destroy my body just as much as I've already destroyed my mind. That'll be fun to do in my last fucking moments. Or who knows! I'll keep living, and even more miserably than before!

Life is a gift? What a sick fucking joke. This is a curse. I just want to die so bad, so bad, especially right now it hurts

I am in a somewhat similar boat. I've been out of work now for two years. My landlord took me to housing court(I live in New York City),because I was on public assistance, I tried to get the city social services department to pay off what I owe through a grant program called the one shot deal. They told me that I qualified , but because I had no steady income, I would need a guarantor, so that the rent would continue to be paid after. I spoke with some cousins and they were more than hesitant about agreeing. I eventually got a job. I'm not counting on it after all I've gone through over the last 2 years. I went to court and spoke with a lawyer. I had hoped that maybe the new job would help me get the 1 shot deal. It turns out that you need 4 pay stubs before they will send the landlord a check. For the last two years, I've always made partial payments on my rent even though all I had coming in was 180 a month. My savings, which stood at 21,500 in October of 2021 are now at zero. The only way I was able to keep my home was by cashing out 17,000 in IRA funds. I still have about 23,000 left but, if everything goes right, I won't get a paychcek until the end of February. I think about killing myself constantly. I'd be pushing up daisies if it hadn't been for my keyboard dying on me the night I planned on offing myself.
I didn't want to go before leaving a decent suicide note. The next day I lost the urge. It's still there, but it's just not strong enough. My therapist knows that I have strong suicidal ideation, but I didn't tell her how close I came to catching the train to Willoughby.

 

[woofwag]

I am in a somewhat similar boat. I've been out of work now for two years. My landlord took me to housing court(I live in New York City),because I was on public assistance, I tried to get the city social services department to pay off what I owe through a grant program called the one shot deal. They told me that I qualified , but because I had no steady income, I would need a guarantor, so that the rent would continue to be paid after. I spoke with some cousins and they were more than hesitant about agreeing. I eventually got a job. I'm not counting on it after all I've gone through over the last 2 years. I went to court and spoke with a lawyer. I had hoped that maybe the new job would help me get the 1 shot deal. It turns out that you need 4 pay stubs before they will send the landlord a check. For the last two years, I've always made partial payments on my rent even though all I had coming in was 180 a month. My savings, which stood at 21,500 in October of 2021 are now at zero. The only way I was able to keep my home was by cashing out 17,000 in IRA funds. I still have about 23,000 left but, if everything goes right, I won't get a paychcek until the end of February. I think about killing myself constantly. I'd be pushing up daisies if it hadn't been for my keyboard dying on me the night I planned on offing myself.
I didn't want to go before leaving a decent suicide note. The next day I lost the urge. It's still there, but it's just not strong enough. My therapist knows that I have strong suicidal ideation, but I didn't tell her how close I came to catching the train to Willoughby.

Jesus that is horrible, I'm so sorry :( I'll be honest, I don't know what half of those words mean, but it sounds like a fucking nightmare. I hate the legal system and I hate landlords and I hate apparently needing to have a job just to live. It's been hell what you've gone through, and tbh I have no idea how you've endured all of that. Say what you will about SI, but I think your perseverance speaks more to your strength through all this for what it's worth. Funny how just one wrong thing can mess up the timing... I had that too about two years ago, but I didn't have enough meds to OD on. But I probably would've failed anyway, knowing me.
I'm truly hoping for the best for you, in whatever form that may take.