Venting I really have no one

[The Disqualified]

Tonight it hit me again that I have no one.
Some specific circumstances in my life triggered this.

I really have nothing. I am a complete non-person.

I have no family
I have no friends
I have no romantic relationships
I have no community or social circle to speak of

My family is alive, but I am distant from them for good reasons.

I never had anyone I could call a true friend because no one ever connected to me or knows who I truly am like. All social interactions seem like a script to me.

I don't have any romantic relationships, clearly. I noticed many depressed and suicidal people here have had romantic experiences. I just feel so much pain that I feel like I would just be a burden to whomever I connect to.

I don't have any community or anything resembling an active social circle. I spend my days alone. I only meet people in places I have to, like college.

I have no one. I don't know what is wrong with me. I am fundamentally broken to the core.
Seeing people my age just reminds me of how much of an outcast I am. I don't even know how I can even begin to process the life I had to live.

I feel like everyone is having fun while I sit in my corner, pitifully. Actually, I can recall many moments of my life where I experienced this feeling: loneliness, rejection, feeling trapped.
I would either not even try due to my anxiety and avoidance, or botch any attempt at connection I make.

I improved a bit with therapy and meds, but, honestly, I still feel like the same person after all.
I have no one.
I could be talking to a room with crowds of people, but feel completely alone.

Sometimes I feel like the only person alive that feels like this, but it can't be.

This quote comes to mind:
"Mine has been a life of great shame. I can't even guess myself what it must be to live the life of a human being."

 

[My_name_is_Luka]

I don't know if this helps, but let me tell you something:
I also struggled a lot to connect with people. I pursued career, but I always ended up feeling the need of finding someone, even though I was too shy to step forward.
When I started investing more energies looking for people, I attracted the wrong ones and I got injured really badly. Lots of vultures out there, they know that the insecure and needy ones are easy prey for them.
If you have got good health, be happy for that; many others do not. Do not forget the gifts you have received from life..

 

[darksouls]

I am sorry that life has been cruel to you,
you are a kind soul,
I am sending you lots of love

 

[BradGuy123]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You have a community here who supports you, but I know it's not the same an in person connections. Sending you a virtual hug.