Venting gay/queer loneliness making me feel 1 ft tall

[eggsausagerice]

i'm going through it this month and feel like i've been on the verge of crying all day. i apologize for how much i've been posting this week. i've just been thinking about how alone i am and how no one texts me and that my anxiety is only going to get worse if i check my phone over and over and that i should just do something else, but checking my phone gives me more comfort in the short term because i feel more proactive if i check it again or if i stay on it instead of leaving to do something else. i feel really alone and purposeless, but there isn't anyone i can rely on to actually talk to. a part of me is thinking about talking to ai again because real people just make me depressed or nervous. i've been looping through everything i've done with my life while coming to terms with the idea that i'll die once my meto and sn come in (i haven't ordered sn but i'll do it when i get the meto from out of the us). my life has definitely had fun moments, but i spent so many days crying. i cried at night and i cried in the morning. and i spent a lot of time alone, hating myself. the romanticized, social media version of a gay person is someone talented, in a relationship or hooking up with someone regularly, attractive, social, interesting. i hate myself for not being that. i hate that i can't be someone that isn't afraid of talking about themselves or their interests. i'm not even open to other people because i hate talking about it. i just pretend that i'm straight to most people because i don't want to talk about it around straight people.

it's lonely. it feels lonelier than everything. i can't find my representation in media anywhere because most mainstream media has straight characters with depression, but gay people are always portrayed as happy and loving their lives (maybe i'm generalizing, i don't watch a lot of gay media). i love angelic miracle kitty-chan and i saw the tv glow because they show what repressing your identity is like to a cis person that's never needed to hide core parts of themselves before. being queer and being lonely is miserable, because if i look for connection, i never feel like i'm good enough for anything besides being a hookup than a friend or partner. i'm just a sex object to most people, or too feminine to be seen a gay man so straight men that see me as a trans woman try to hookup with me when i'm not trying to be a girl at all. it makes me sad. i wanted to see if other people feel the same way. a part of me is worried about being seen as homophobic or transphobic because i get depressed when queer people are able to find partners but no one's ever been interested in dating me. i have really mixed emotions about pride month because it feels like no one wants to see or acknowledge a lonely gay person. what about the queer people that were never able to move out of their parents' house and find their community? am i just meant to hate myself quietly? i want to be understood very badly and have my problems be recognized as real, but people just want to downplay it or say that it'll get better eventually when they don't even know what it's like to have no emotional support from your parents or the people around you. i feel so awful every day. it feels like no one even cares if i'm not outwardly suffering.

 

[fadedghost]

as an older gay person, i can tell you that it used to be that there were zero gay characters or if there were a gay character, they were dying of AIDS or something horrible was happening to them.

Over time, gay people fought back against representation that just showed gay people as always being tragic and only showed these caricature gay characters that either had AIDS, were coming out, or in some horrible situation.

The result of that is more happy normal gay characters that are the picture of normalcy, except for being gay, which is utterly normal in the characterization. You would find it refreshing if you were old: "Oh a gay person not dying of AIDS! How refreshing!"

But as a young gay person dealing with depression, it's probably hard to see every gay character part of a couple, or super happy, and just seemingly care-free. Being gay is not actually like that entirely, for many gays. There are some fun moments, but also difficulties, and many gays still deal with depression.

i completely get what you are saying about being a sex object only. In the gay community, gay guys often meet, hook up, and then later possibly become friends or have a romance. It's really fucking strange if you don't want things that way, and also hooking up does not guarantee friendship or romance. I've had times in my life with lots of close friends and times in my life with none where I was still desired as part of hook up culture and it was so fucking alienating. Because a lot of the times when I was happiest were with a clique of friends and we just did stuff all the time, just like walking around, or doing stupid shit, or watching movies, or partying, or whatever. It's also so much harder to meet people and connect with people when isolated. It's like, for whatever reason, being busy all the time, or being indifferent, or knowing other people is a magnet that draws people in, and having free time and being available and interested and not knowing others is just repulsive to people, even if there are circumstances.

I think there's a lot of gay people in this situation, it's not just you, and it may be normal to be depressed or bummed out if you don't have a partner or a clique and are still trying to meet more people. I hope things change for you and your situation improves.

 

[Kokonoe]

I really relate to your post a lot, OP. So at the very least, you're not alone in how you feel.

 

[mutsu]

hello!! i've been reading your posts for a while but I really relate with what you're going through

queer lonliness fucking sucks, and its even worse when the country you live in is built up to propagate such lonliness. at least here in america it feels like you need a liscence and you need a car if you ever want to do anything, unless you happen to be rich enough to live in a major city. it sucks that most queer people are so spread out its really tough to find any connection,,,

im currently abroad in japan temporarily for the better part of a year and even if there is a lot more people to interact with and i can walk places, i still feel so lonely, its incredibly hard to connect with people when im so worried if my identity is going to make them hate me. i barely leave the house to talk to people that much anymore because everytime i do i feel hurt for no reason, i suppose it doesn't help that i have bpd

even though i feel so lost at times i hope that things can get better, for me and for you, being queer in a non queer area can really suck

if you ever need to talk feel free to message~!!

 

[eggsausagerice]

i wish people would stop assuming that i'm going to stay alive when i've been planning on killing myself for 2 years. mostly because i did end up outliving my last 3 suicide dates. was never able to find a suicide partner, think that if i did i would've killed myself sooner, but no one lives in my area of texas and i'm tired of hearing that someone lives 3 hours or 2 hours from where i live because i can't afford the transportation to get to them. it's obvious that most people end up never finding a suicide partner or stop looking way sooner than i did because they know there's no point. and most people on the partner's thread always want to back out or try to ask me to back out, so i cut contact with them.

anyway, i've in the same situation a lot of the times where someone said something that implied that i was going to keep on living for a few years or that i was going to be around for the next few months. obviously not. in the present and in the past. i snapped at one of my ex-friend in december because he implied that i was still going to be alive for the next time he visited town by saying that he should come back. i said no over and over again because i didn't want him to come back (if i was just going to die once i got my sn). but i'm still here because i promised my friends that i can't connect with that i would go to some places with them. so i still have to stay around until then.

what made me annoyed tonight is that someone on grindr 87 miles away from me was texting me and i told them they lived too far. and they said, no it's fine i go to ____ all the time. and i said, i don't even live in the city. and they said, yeah, but i'm going to college there next semester. i'm looking for friends in the area. i paused for a minute or two before blocking them. in the end they'd get along with someone that lives in their city or someone that goes to their college and i'll just be ghosted because they wanted me to be a stand in. a similar thing happened the other night with a guy who said he just graduated high school and was visiting ____. he asked if i planned on moving away and i said, "there's nowhere for me to move to and i can't afford to go to a college out of my city". and he was like, "just become homeless". so i said "it isn't really funny if that's what happens to people that aren't able to move out of their parents houses". so i guess what he said got to me. i don't understand why people far away from me keep trying to tell me they're willing to meet up with me and no one in my area seems to be interested in me at all. i'm not interested in talking to people that live far away or being online friends because they'd have a better time talking to someone that actually lives in their city.

i really do just hate people that are able to do things with their lives and look forward to the future, because every day i spend waking up instead of at the bottom of a hole or dead in the woods waiting to be found by authorities makes me miserable. i've put myself in dangerous or unsafe situations because i was hoping that i would be killed. but i wasn't. i'm still here. someone could kill me or traffic me at any time, but walking alone at night in the suburbs or meeting with some schlubby guy because you hope he shoots you would never lead to me getting killed. if i'm being realistic, the worst thing that could happen to me is being mugged or assaulted, because that's easier to get away with in the US law system than killing someone. when i was younger my mentally ill mom made it seem like if i went out in public at all i would be murdered and SAed. the ironic part is the only time i got SAed was by a relative because i never left the house. a part of me is deeply disappointed that the world is more apathetic than cruel. she only said those things because she didn't want me to leave the house and become a independant.

my sister's more popular, talented, and academically successful than me, so she doesn't have any reason to kill herself. i don't want to send her a suicide note because i've always secretly hated her for being better than me and always having friends or people that like being around her. she's always treated me worse than everyone else and calls me/implies that i'm lazy, dumb, or socially inept. some days i feel hollow inside knowing that she can't actually understand being lonely or being extremely suicidal and isolated for months. people have genuinely always made an effort to hang out with her or text her even though i'm always ignored or left behind. she's straight and cis, so her identity doesn't confuse people and she's always been able to change the way she acts in order to be accepted. it makes me jealous and bitter that i have to go through multiple hoops so that someone is interested in me.

it's always the people with better lives than me that see suicide or depression stemming from self hatred and loneliness incomprehensible. they can't wrap their head around why someone would want to end their life permanently if their life is going so well. i think that i should stop trying to force myself to meet new people. i hate dating apps because their swiping mechanic and blocked likes makes them unusable and grindr only attracts people i would never want to talk to. i don't have any desire to make online friends after getting ghosted or losing interest quickly because we don't have anything in common, so i've been focusing on the people in my real life even though it's hard.

i just kind of wish i wasn't here anymore. i'm tired of suicide being trivialized and said in casual conversation, but never being considered as something someone would really do. i know that once i die my death will ultimately be glossed over as a death by some struggled youth by the news and my friends will forget and be more worried about university, jobs, or other friends, because everyone needs to move on with their lives and not think about their depressed dead friend. i feel like i've always been the depressed dead one because no one i know even wants to make a suicide plan. i don't know why i wish that the people around me would hate their lives as much as i do. no matter what i write in my suicide note i can't make people understand my life will always be considered less important than others, because no one knows who i am. it hurts to be alive when i know i'm not needed.

 

[valleyofthedolls]

I can really relate to everything you said. It truly sucks, and I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Maybe you can find some online friends or join an online community where you could meet some people if you're not able to in real life

 

[ih34rty0u]

being queer is so isolating, idk how come people meet their parents. maybe im just ugly but nobody was ever interested in me.

im trying to make peace with being alone but i still want to die because of this. im a perfectionist and not being pretty enough to date is making me spiral. i am ruining myself to look better and nobody even cares.

 

[TransientEternal]

Can't help you with much on here buuuuuut if you're looking for representation in media there is a transmasc character with depression in Fire Punch (Togata). It's very good though it is very dark.

 

[eggsausagerice]

transmasc character with depression in Fire Punch (Togata)

i already know togata lol. that's probably the only transmasc character in recent media i know. i mentioned the manga here:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...g-suicidal-in-anime-manga.245340/post-3490328

 

[BradGuy123]

I'm gay and I can relate to what you're going through. I felt a lot like that when I was younger. Please don't feel the need to apologize for posting here. This is a forum to vent and get support. I wish I had the words to make you feel better. Sending you a virtual hug. Wish I could give you a friendly hug in person.