Help I keep postponing my date :(((

[sleeplessboyinbed]

I made an unsuccessful attempt in September a year ago. I promised myself that i will do it: tomorrow, when i have a weekend, after new year, in summer... That's how a year passed. I was telling myself the whole year that i will do it but i did nothing. Im still trying to make myself ctb. I wanted to go today but i can't, something keeps me here. The fear that i will fail and would have to live. I hate living, i can only survive (barely).
But on the other hand, i "want" to live. I have a manga series that i follow, im really curious how it will go. I like listening to music and i have dreams of starting to make music myself. I wanted to draw comics. I downloaded a new game to play. I want to eat the ice cream and instant ramen i have. I keep drowning myself in these distractions and for most of the day i can even feel hopefull. But then the realisation hits me. My life is in shambles and i don't deserve to dream. I have been influenced by the internet that i could have a life worth living. I wish i didn't know i could be happy... All i deserve is a miserable life. I was so naive, i wanted to make art that i could share with the world, i wanted to do things that would make me feel whole. It's time for my dreams to crush.
I cried a little while writing this. I just want to feel less scared. Please tell me my dreams are stupid. I just need a reality check

 

[PanaxMan]

Peak neet activities and only thing I would say is what the method really is

I made an unsuccessful attempt in September a year ago. I promised myself that i will do it: tomorrow, when i have a weekend, after new year, in summer... That's how a year passed. I was telling myself the whole year that i will do it but i did nothing. Im still trying to make myself ctb. I wanted to go today but i can't, something keeps me here. The fear that i will fail and would have to live. I hate living, i can only survive (barely).
But on the other hand, i "want" to live. I have a manga series that i follow, im really curious how it will go. I like listening to music and i have dreams of starting to make music myself. I wanted to draw comics. I downloaded a new game to play. I want to eat the ice cream and instant ramen i have. I keep drowning myself in these distractions and for most of the day i can even feel hopefull. But then the realisation hits me. My life is in shambles and i don't deserve to dream. I have been influenced by the internet that i could have a life worth living. I wish i didn't know i could be happy... All i deserve is a miserable life. I was so naive, i wanted to make art that i could share with the world, i wanted to do things that would make me feel whole. It's time for my dreams to crush.
I cried a little while writing this. I just want to feel less scared. Please tell me my dreams are stupid. I just need a reality check.

 

[Mooncry]

In the same place. I'm miserable. Fear of death has made me complacent with a life I hate. At this point, I'm waiting for impulsivity to work its magic one last time. Just need one really bad day, or one severe manic episode. It can't come soon enough.

 

[Aflame5926]

I made an unsuccessful attempt in September a year ago. I promised myself that i will do it: tomorrow, when i have a weekend, after new year, in summer... That's how a year passed. I was telling myself the whole year that i will do it but i did nothing. Im still trying to make myself ctb. I wanted to go today but i can't, something keeps me here. The fear that i will fail and would have to live. I hate living, i can only survive (barely).
But on the other hand, i "want" to live. I have a manga series that i follow, im really curious how it will go. I like listening to music and i have dreams of starting to make music myself. I wanted to draw comics. I downloaded a new game to play. I want to eat the ice cream and instant ramen i have. I keep drowning myself in these distractions and for most of the day i can even feel hopefull. But then the realisation hits me. My life is in shambles and i don't deserve to dream. I have been influenced by the internet that i could have a life worth living. I wish i didn't know i could be happy... All i deserve is a miserable life. I was so naive, i wanted to make art that i could share with the world, i wanted to do things that would make me feel whole. It's time for my dreams to crush.
I cried a little while writing this. I just want to feel less scared. Please tell me my dreams are stupid. I just need a reality check

so what if you postphoned? i dont see an issue with this at all.

there like Moon said there probally will be 1 extreme bad day. and then the question is it worth it or not.
my question is if you received help in the paste or not. not that it matters much.

but reading this i think help is maybe an option? my 2 cent opinion and ill solve it in my ass. i know for quite some ppl this is a stupid question including myself unfortunely

but i think at the moment you are just not ready for it. you know when the times comes

 

[NihilDoll]

I made an unsuccessful attempt in September a year ago. I promised myself that i will do it: tomorrow, when i have a weekend, after new year, in summer... That's how a year passed. I was telling myself the whole year that i will do it but i did nothing. Im still trying to make myself ctb. I wanted to go today but i can't, something keeps me here. The fear that i will fail and would have to live. I hate living, i can only survive (barely).
But on the other hand, i "want" to live. I have a manga series that i follow, im really curious how it will go. I like listening to music and i have dreams of starting to make music myself. I wanted to draw comics. I downloaded a new game to play. I want to eat the ice cream and instant ramen i have. I keep drowning myself in these distractions and for most of the day i can even feel hopefull. But then the realisation hits me. My life is in shambles and i don't deserve to dream. I have been influenced by the internet that i could have a life worth living. I wish i didn't know i could be happy... All i deserve is a miserable life. I was so naive, i wanted to make art that i could share with the world, i wanted to do things that would make me feel whole. It's time for my dreams to crush.
I cried a little while writing this. I just want to feel less scared. Please tell me my dreams are stupid. I just need a reality check

Your dreams are stupid... because they should be a reality <3
Let me tell you something.
I have a friend with the world's worst self esteem. He's incredibly talented and great at actually picking up new skills, but for him, he's never good enough.
He also loved to draw, but never did it because, well, it was never good enough.
Wanna know what managed to convince him?
He encountered the "100 days challenge". Just make a drawing every day for 100 days. No excuses, no overcorrections, just draw something, collect them all and then look at your own progress.

Being influenced by the internet is a double edged sword. On one hand, it can be incredibly inspiring. On the other, there's something called "Hyper Realism".
You're only seeing the best results of everything but never the process behind it.
People show you how well they can draw? They might have been doing it daily for the past 10 years.
That guy who can play your favorite videogame flawlessly? There were quad-digit hours of failed attempts before that.
The writer who wrote a story you loved? They might have lost a pet that got buried under a pile of thrown out drafts.

In short, don't let yourself get influenced, let yourself get inspired!
Everything you see on the internet hides its process, because these processes takes years and years.
If you think you don't deserve to dream, than don't. Achieve instead. You want to punish yourself? Punish yourself with the workload of turning those dreams into something real.
No ifs, no buts, if you think you deserve a miserable life, make it miserable by drowning yourself in the work and labor your dreams require.
It will be tough, it will be long, it might even be boring at times. But you believe you have to suffer, right? Than suffer. Suffer for your own good!

Crush your dreams and build a new reality from their pieces.
If you're suffering, make that suffering mean something! You got this!

 

[sleeplessboyinbed]

Your dreams are stupid... because they should be a reality <3
Let me tell you something.
I have a friend with the world's worst self esteem. He's incredibly talented and great at actually picking up new skills, but for him, he's never good enough.
He also loved to draw, but never did it because, well, it was never good enough.
Wanna know what managed to convince him?
He encountered the "100 days challenge". Just make a drawing every day for 100 days. No excuses, no overcorrections, just draw something, collect them all and then look at your own progress.

Being influenced by the internet is a double edged sword. On one hand, it can be incredibly inspiring. On the other, there's something called "Hyper Realism".
You're only seeing the best results of everything but never the process behind it.
People show you how well they can draw? They might have been doing it daily for the past 10 years.
That guy who can play your favorite videogame flawlessly? There were quad-digit hours of failed attempts before that.
The writer who wrote a story you loved? They might have lost a pet that got buried under a pile of thrown out drafts.

In short, don't let yourself get influenced, let yourself get inspired!
Everything you see on the internet hides its process, because these processes takes years and years.
If you think you don't deserve to dream, than don't. Achieve instead. You want to punish yourself? Punish yourself with the workload of turning those dreams into something real.
No ifs, no buts, if you think you deserve a miserable life, make it miserable by drowning yourself in the work and labor your dreams require.
It will be tough, it will be long, it might even be boring at times. But you believe you have to suffer, right? Than suffer. Suffer for your own good!

Crush your dreams and build a new reality from their pieces.
If you're suffering, make that suffering mean something! You got this!

Thank you so much for writing this. I needed to read that. Im really lazy and stupid, like to dream, not do things. You helped to ground me in reality

 

[burninghill]

I'm in the exact same place as you, little things keep stringing me along, it's incredibly frustrating

 

[haveyounoheartx]

aaghh me too, i so badly want to do it but then that part of me that wants to see my favorite manhwa or fanfic get updated and the fear of failing with consequences makes me back off for a bit. i cling onto those thoughts while thinking "okay i'll just prepare a little more and really go through with it," but of course i never do and just go through that cycle of almost attempting until eventually cowering away. i want to get it over with already especially because my life is at an all-time low that frankly i have no hope for anymore, but god my mind keeps betraying me. it's so upsetting and frustrating; i really hope i get the courage to finally ctb soon.

 

[nitritegirl]

me too i wish i could stop postponing it i hate it so much, i keep living for nothing just prolonging my suffering when i know that my life will always be suffering because i was born wrong in many ways and i cannot ever change that, my life is determined to be of suffering no matter what i do and i'm still alive for no reason

 

[Phyreen]

Same, but now I'm at the point where I actually have to make the decision due to circumstances. It's now or never, really.