Venting I hate myself

[Kanau_Nano]

I can't be normal. I just can't. I quit my job recently and I had to return my things today because I kept putting it off, and they were getting mad at me. When I dropped my stuff off I felt so pathetic and anxious. I was shaking, my head and heart hurt, I just felt terrible. I could hardly look anyone in the eye. They probably think I'm so weird.

On the way back I got on a bus to go home, because I'm too anxious to drive a car and probably too stupid too. When I got on it was so packed and I quickly looked around trying to find a seat. My heart was racing I started shaking again and kept thinking bad things about myself. It's just a packed bus I've been on one many times but i just can't be comfortable of course. On the walk home after I got off I kept trying to avoid any contact with others as much as I can. I felt so overwhelmed with bad feelings and still do. Once I got home I just browsed here and smoked pretty much. I'm back here again and i can't stop thinking of ctb right now. I really do want to wait a little more, but it's getting difficult. The only thing I can think of to help is vent here and then I'm going to take enough opiates to try and feel good again. I have no irl friends anymore because of how I am and I can't talk to family because I will worry them. I have one good friend I made on here at least that seems to care about me, but I think they are sleeping. I'm scared they will end up hating me or think I'm annoying eventually.

It's really not the worst day I've had, but I'm just so sick of how I am. I really shouldn't have quit, but I also felt so bad working too I couldn't take it anymore. I felt so stupid I thought i would hurt someone the whole time I was there. Every job I have i feel so incompetent and stressed

The only good thing that happened today was I went and got a coffee and I wasn't too awkward then. I always feel so out of place i don't belong here

 

[Matchaaa]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I can relate. Even things that seem small or ordinary can feel really overwhelming sometimes. I hope things go smoothly for you.

 

[Kanau_Nano]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I can relate. Even things that seem small or ordinary can feel really overwhelming sometimes. I hope things go smoothly for you.

I wish you didn't relate, anyways thank you matchaaa you're always super sweet. I hope things go smoothly for you too

 

[Atonal]

I can relate to so many things here unfortunately. Apart from the obvious ones about employment, feeling overwhelmed, incompetent and stupid... The part about being anxious to drive stood out for me.
Driving for me is the same as any social interaction that overwhelmes me and I can't stop thinking about killing someone on the road by accident. I'm not even talking about feeling too dumb to actually learn to drive.
Never had and never will.
Too bad opiates don't work for me lol

I'm sorry you are feeling that way. I wish I could give you something to feel a relief.
But I can only say that you are not alone in feeling that way. Although there is not that much positive in knowing that.
I wish you to feel better in any way at least.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

I also go through anxiety like that. I get scared to talk to people often because I have a fear of being burdensome to others, and this fear has ruined friendships and made my life more difficult than it should be. You honestly don't deserve to feel such a way at all. You really are a nice person, and someone like you should be living their life happily. But god always makes the wrong people suffer. I seriously hope for your pain to ease, and for you to make it out of all of your struggles alive.

 

[themisfit]

Dear, don't put much pressure on yourself

It seems like you're having a hard time with your anxiety

I remember the days before I tried to CTB, I was just out of control

Don't hate yourself. You seem to be a very nice person, you seem to care about others

Warm hugs

 

[Kanau_Nano]

I can relate to so many things here unfortunately. Apart from the obvious ones about employment, feeling overwhelmed, incompetent and stupid... The part about being anxious to drive stood out for me.
Driving for me is the same as any social interaction that overwhelmes me and I can't stop thinking about killing someone on the road by accident. I'm not even talking about feeling too dumb to actually learn to drive.
Never had and never will.
Too bad opiates don't work for me lol

I'm sorry you are feeling that way. I wish I could give you something to feel a relief.
But I can only say that you are not alone in feeling that way. Although there is not that much positive in knowing that.
I wish you to feel better in any way at least.

I have the same fear. I never want to be responsible for hurting someone and I don't trust myself at all driving. It's so scary. I hope there is good public transit where you are have you tried to drive before? I never have just the thought gets me

Opiates never worked for me much either I took a many. Only if I take extremely high does. People's bodies are weird. Does it help your pain at least?

I'm sorry you relate to someone much. It's horrible feeling this way. I wish i could give you any advice. Here's a big hug at least!!

I also go through anxiety like that. I get scared to talk to people often because I have a fear of being burdensome to others, and this fear has ruined friendships and made my life more difficult than it should be. You honestly don't deserve to feel such a way at all. You really are a nice person, and someone like you should be living their life happily. But god always makes the wrong people suffer. I seriously hope for your pain to ease, and for you to make it out of all of your struggles alive.

I feel burdensome too. When I end up liking someone a lot I fear abandonment heavily. I tend to try to leave people before they can me if I think it will happen. I'm sure you relate sadly.

Thx btw i feel the same about you. Lots of hugs to you!!! I'm always wishing you the best

Dear, don't put much pressure on yourself

It seems like you're having a hard time with your anxiety

I remember the days before I tried to CTB, I was just out of control

Don't hate yourself. You seem to be a very nice person, you seem to care about others

Warm hugs

I don't even have to try i always feel so much pressure. Anxiety very much helped ruin my life. I try not to blame my mental health tho. I ruined it.

You struggle with anxiety too? I wish no one felt so bad over normal human interactions. You're very nice too thank you for the message. I really do appreciate it. Hope you have as good of a day as possible!!

 

[peacebenow]

Feel good about the coffee. You did what you need to do about the job. It will be ok.

 

[Kanau_Nano]

Feel good about the coffee. You did what you need to do about the job. It will be ok.

Thank you. It's hard to feel good sbout it tho. I am glad I can sleep now tho when I was working I hardly slept. I hope you have a good day/night

 

[amy joyce]

I can't be normal. I just can't. I quit my job recently and I had to return my things today because I kept putting it off, and they were getting mad at me. When I dropped my stuff off I felt so pathetic and anxious. I was shaking, my head and heart hurt, I just felt terrible. I could hardly look anyone in the eye. They probably think I'm so weird.

On the way back I got on a bus to go home, because I'm too anxious to drive a car and probably too stupid too. When I got on it was so packed and I quickly looked around trying to find a seat. My heart was racing I started shaking again and kept thinking bad things about myself. It's just a packed bus I've been on one many times but i just can't be comfortable of course. On the walk home after I got off I kept trying to avoid any contact with others as much as I can. I felt so overwhelmed with bad feelings and still do. Once I got home I just browsed here and smoked pretty much. I'm back here again and i can't stop thinking of ctb right now. I really do want to wait a little more, but it's getting difficult. The only thing I can think of to help is vent here and then I'm going to take enough opiates to try and feel good again. I have no irl friends anymore because of how I am and I can't talk to family because I will worry them. I have one good friend I made on here at least that seems to care about me, but I think they are sleeping. I'm scared they will end up hating me or think I'm annoying eventually.

It's really not the worst day I've had, but I'm just so sick of how I am. I really shouldn't have quit, but I also felt so bad working too I couldn't take it anymore. I felt so stupid I thought i would hurt someone the whole time I was there. Every job I have i feel so incompetent and stressed

The only good thing that happened today was I went and got a coffee and I wasn't too awkward then. I always feel so out of place i don't belong here

Honestly, sunglasses do help. It's not going to solve your problems but at least you can feel as if people can't see what you're thinking. You'll be able to lift your head and not wonder if people think you're scared. If you have those issues, it's quite alright and probably more normal than you realize. But what we ultimately want as casual friends is for each other to survive their pain enough to continue until life gets easier. And it does!

Opiates will hurt you long term. Do you mind telling me what you take, how many and how often? I got into them wayyy to much and it caused a whirlwind of problems. I had postpartum depression and with a toddler and new born, ctb wasn't an option. I couldn't abandoned them to their father alone.

Anyway, there are other jobs. There's more people around then you will care to meet and most aren't friend material. Not deep seeded, good friends that you can trust. It can and will happen in time but becoming comfortable being alone might be a better goal to start with. How long can you financially go without working and not becoming dependent on the state?

 

[Kanau_Nano]

Honestly, sunglasses do help. It's not going to solve your problems but at least you can feel as if people can't see what you're thinking. You'll be able to lift your head and not wonder if people think you're scared. If you have those issues, it's quite alright and probably more normal than you realize. But what we ultimately want as casual friends is for each other to survive their pain enough to continue until life gets easier. And it does!

Opiates will hurt you long term. Do you mind telling me what you take, how many and how often? I got into them wayyy to much and it caused a whirlwind of problems. I had postpartum depression and with a toddler and new born, ctb wasn't an option. I couldn't abandoned them to their father alone.

Anyway, there are other jobs. There's more people around then you will care to meet and most aren't friend material. Not deep seeded, good friends that you can trust. It can and will happen in time but becoming comfortable being alone might be a better goal to start with. How long can you financially go without working and not becoming dependent on the state?

Sunglasses do help when it's not cloudy. Also hoodies or n95 masks if I'm in a crowded spot. When I start shaking tho it's very obvious and makes me more anxious. My voice gets shakey too. Thanks for your advice a thing a therapist told me was to look at the sky instead of the ground. Little less weird lol It helps me cause i have eye contact problems.

Life has gotten easier in some ways and much worse in others. I like your attitude though!

I take oxys mostly. Through the past
few days I took easily over 100 mg. I took 40 around when I posted this. I passed out a bit. I know it's really dangerous cause sometimes I feel like i forget to breathe plus the dependence i will get. I've struggled with drugs a lot through life and I started getting back into them recently. I've lost all hope pretty much.

Wish you didn't deal with that addiction. It's super hard to quit. You're very strong for going through that!! Postpartum depression is really really bad too. You should be really proud about dealing with all that and living for your kids. I'm super proud of you!! I'm currently trying to live until my dad dies, but I'm not sure if can do it. I envy your will

I have enough money to live well for a good amount of time.

I hate being alone. I also hate being around people cause of my anxiety. It's been real bad since I was a kid. Only slightly getting better. Therapy never worked or meds. The only thing that helps is when I used to take Valium or small doses of Meth. Luckily I haven't done that in a long time. My parents gave me meth for the first time and got me hooked. They are so lovely. Used to have me get drugs for them lmao

I truly believe I'm a lost cause. I don't want to ctb i really really don't. I just can't put up with how my life is anymore. I tried for so long. I feel so guilty about how my siblings and other family will be devastated. I hate myself for being this way.

You are super sweet btw thanks for taking the time to make me feel better. I truly wish you don't want to ctb anymore if that's why you're here? I appreciate you greatly

 

[wine is fine but]

I truly believe I'm a lost cause. I don't want to ctb i really really don't. I just can't put up with how my life is anymore. I tried for so long. I feel so guilty about how my siblings and other family will be devastated. I hate myself for being this way.

You are super sweet btw thanks for taking the time to make me feel better. I truly wish you don't want to ctb anymore if that's why you're here? I appreciate you greatly

silly question, but do you breathe through your stomach or your lungs
you mentioned you feel like you forgot to breathe, as well

breathing correctly is very much under rated
with myself, i used to (and sometimes still do) find myself holding my breath when exerting myself or in an anxious situation. plus breathing just into your lungs, does not do as much as breathing deep down into your stomach. you get so much more air in through the stomach and air helps you to remain relaxed. if your chest rises when you breathe, you are not doing it right. your stomach needs to move outwards with your chest remaining fairly still. you will feel a big difference too, between the lungs and stomach. through the lungs you can always feel out of breath to some degree, so the correct way is invaluable

perhaps try to make a conscious effort to notice if you are always breathing and to breathe correctly. you may already be doing that, but people in our situation are notorious for not breathing properly. it is almost a habit for me now, but it took a long time of making a conscious effort to get it that way - either way, i hope you can feel better soon and stop hating yourself. you cannot help something that you were born with or that is wired into your brain . . . you cannot, and if you do hate yourself for it, it will stop you from being able to get better, because your mind will be negative from the start

 

[MyMomWasMyLife]

My heart breaks every time I'm on this site. So much pain and anguish. I truly am sorry that you suffer so much. I wish I could say more to help. But at least you know you have many people here that care.

 

[Kanau_Nano]

silly question, but do you breathe through your stomach or your lungs
you mentioned you feel like you forgot to breathe, as well

breathing correctly is very much under rated
with myself, i used to (and sometimes still do) find myself holding my breath when exerting myself or in an anxious situation. plus breathing just into your lungs, does not do as much as breathing deep down into your stomach. you get so much more air in through the stomach and air helps you to remain relaxed. if your chest rises when you breathe, you are not doing it right. your stomach needs to move outwards with your chest remaining fairly still. you will feel a big difference too, between the lungs and stomach. through the lungs you can always feel out of breath to some degree, so the correct way is invaluable

perhaps try to make a conscious effort to notice if you are always breathing and to breathe correctly. you may already be doing that, but people in our situation are notorious for not breathing properly. it is almost a habit for me now, but it took a long time of making a conscious effort to get it that way - either way, i hope you can feel better soon and stop hating yourself. you cannot help something that you were born with or that is wired into your brain . . . you cannot, and if you do hate yourself for it, it will stop you from being able to get better, because your mind will be negative from the start

When I'm really anxious I do 5 seconds in 5 seconds out deep stomach breath through my mouth. It helps sometimes. I often notice I get really tense when I'm anxious so I try to relax my body often. It can be hard go do this in certain situations tho. Thank you for the advice. I just tried and did notice my chest rising when I do my breathing actually. You're super kind


Even if I was born with this wired into my brain it's still my fault I feel. I still hate how I am. Sometimes I do good and I'm mostly happy, but it never seems to stay. I've been in therapy since I was a kid. I tried to ctb around 8 or 9. I'm broken

My heart breaks every time I'm on this site. So much pain and anguish. I truly am sorry that you suffer so much. I wish I could say more to help. But at least you know you have many people here that care.

It's very sad being here and very comforting. One thing I'm very sad about is the friend I made here is getting SN soon. The one person I really feel comfortable talking to is gonna ctb. I knew the risks talking to people here but it hurts.

Thank you for being so kind really. I hope you're doing well today

 

[Thisiscertainlyause]

That sucks :(. Anxiety is really hard to deal with, it took me a long time of just "fake it till you make it" before mine got better(even now it's not great). I hope you're able to find your own path to recovery, for me watching Dr.K's videos on anxiety helped me alot, but I imagine its hit or miss for alot of people. for what it's worth everytime I see you react with love or hugs to one of my posts it makes me happy and I'm sure it does for others too, so you've brought a lot of good to this world, I think you have the potential to bring even more! I wish you the best

 

[Kanau_Nano]

That sucks :(. Anxiety is really hard to deal with, it took me a long time of just "fake it till you make it" before mine got better(even now it's not great). I hope you're able to find your own path to recovery, for me watching Dr.K's videos on anxiety helped me alot, but I imagine its hit or miss for alot of people. for what it's worth everytime I see you react with love or hugs to one of my posts it makes me happy and I'm sure it does for others too, so you've brought a lot of good to this world, I think you have the potential to bring even more! I wish you the best

I'm super glad you're fighting through the anxiety and improving!! I will check those videos out soon your words made me happy. I try to bring good to the world and you definitely do. I appreciate your positivity lots. I wish you the best too!!

 

[amy joyce]

You are super sweet btw thanks for taking the time to make me feel better. I truly wish you don't want to ctb anymore if that's why you're here? I appreciate you greatly

Thank you, it's nice to hear once in a while. I'm older now. My Mom is gone and my Dad is in hospice. I haven't had the strength to call him. It's a long story. I was on and off opiates for years. Mostly on. Now I take Buprenorphine. It's a much better option but requires a special doctor for a prescription. I get prescribed more than I take so that I don't run out. That's a big fear of mine. I actually stopped opiates on my own 10 months before being prescribed this and a mess of cocktails that has made me quite ill. That doctor was awful. All it would have taken was him entering the names of the RX's into an interaction checker to find out that all three had one major interaction with each other. Go figure that I trusted him to know. I'd of died right away except he slowly increased my Bupe from 2 mg to 24 mg instead of prescribing 24 mg at one time.

Thanks to some kind people on here I'm not actively currently looking to ctb but I plan on continuing to research/study and buy what I need to in case I'm in a jam (like run out of meds or too uncomfortably ill to continue)... My first and main reason for ctb was losing my son to the same last August. He was my oldest and darling. It's been a nightmare. I blame(d) myself and I've only been out of the house once since the funeral and that was in September. I was supposed to go to the doctor this weekend but canceled. My psychiatrist and therapy are both zoom/phone sessions. I'm lucky to be married to a wonderful, supportive man and have another son whom I also adore. I just feel left out and unhappy while they go about life as if nothing happened. They can't give me what I need and if I try and make them, then they will be miserable. My husband told me flat out that he won't talk about my son and my other boy just looks at me sadly and walks away.

With parents like yours it's hard to imagine why you'd think of their feeling before your own but obviously I prefer your choice be stay around and then to fight and enjoy life just enough until you can make adequate changes or whatever is needed to be happy. If it's meds then it's meds, but much better is if it's controlled like mine where you can't OD. This medication tricks you into believing you're taking an opiate. It doesn't make you high but you don't go into withdrawal and don't suffer the depression from going without it. I have friends from years ago and they're always frustrated with me, which I understand. I don't want to go out and yadda yadda yadda. I'm estranged from my three older brothers who are/were kind of like your parents. Well, less the youngest one who is controlling and has a wife that's similar. Their way or the highway and frankly I'd rather walk away. Peace and blessings.

 

[Kanau_Nano]

Thank you, it's nice to hear once in a while. I'm older now. My Mom is gone and my Dad is in hospice. I haven't had the strength to call him. It's a long story. I was on and off opiates for years. Mostly on. Now I take Buprenorphine. It's a much better option but requires a special doctor for a prescription. I get prescribed more than I take so that I don't run out. That's a big fear of mine. I actually stopped opiates on my own 10 months before being prescribed this and a mess of cocktails that has made me quite ill. That doctor was awful. All it would have taken was him entering the names of the RX's into an interaction checker to find out that all three had one major interaction with each other. Go figure that I trusted him to know. I'd of died right away except he slowly increased my Bupe from 2 mg to 24 mg instead of prescribing 24 mg at one time.

Thanks to some kind people on here I'm not actively currently looking to ctb but I plan on continuing to research/study and buy what I need to in case I'm in a jam (like run out of meds or too uncomfortably ill to continue)... My first and main reason for ctb was losing my son to the same last August. He was my oldest and darling. It's been a nightmare. I blame(d) myself and I've only been out of the house once since the funeral and that was in September. I was supposed to go to the doctor this weekend but canceled. My psychiatrist and therapy are both zoom/phone sessions. I'm lucky to be married to a wonderful, supportive man and have another son whom I also adore. I just feel left out and unhappy while they go about life as if nothing happened. They can't give me what I need and if I try and make them, then they will be miserable. My husband told me flat out that he won't talk about my son and my other boy just looks at me sadly and walks away.

With parents like yours it's hard to imagine why you'd think of their feeling before your own but obviously I prefer your choice be stay around and then to fight and enjoy life just enough until you can make adequate changes or whatever is needed to be happy. If it's meds then it's meds, but much better is if it's controlled like mine where you can't OD. This medication tricks you into believing you're taking an opiate. It doesn't make you high but you don't go into withdrawal and don't suffer the depression from going without it. I have friends from years ago and they're always frustrated with me, which I understand. I don't want to go out and yadda yadda yadda. I'm estranged from my three older brothers who are/were kind of like your parents. Well, less the youngest one who is controlling and has a wife that's similar. Their way or the highway and frankly I'd rather walk away. Peace and blessings.

You've had a lot of loss to face. I can't imagine the pain you feel. I wish I had advice for you. I know people deal with loss in many different ways. It must be really hard to not be able to speak to your husband about your son. My dad is similar with his mom. He refuses to talk about her and if I bring it up he gets upset. I'm glad your family is very supportive, and you got therapy plus here. You definitely need lots of support to get through this. Take your time I'm really sorry you blame yourself.

I'm very happy you got on bupe. I know it has it's downsides, but it's a very good thing. Addiction is terrible. Can I ask why your dr gave you bupe with no active dependency? I swear there is a shot that makes you unable to use opiates that would've been a lot better and doesn't give you another dependency. It's really hard to taper off bupe from what I know of people I knew.

Dr's definitely can be dangerous lol I've had some that were seemingly incompetent.

It is comforting to have an avaliable method, but also dangerous if you get impulsive. Maybe you aren't very impulsive like me, but do you worry about that?

I mostly worry about how my siblings will feel. My dad told me if i ctb he will after my last attempt and I refused to be responsible for his death so I've been trying to live since. He's very sick now tho. I'm thinking of ctb anyways however. I'm just really struggling.

Dealing with friends that want you to party when you're trying to recover is so hard. Keep doing good work!! I have similar problems with some of my siblings too I understand.

 

[wine is fine but]

When I'm really anxious I do 5 seconds in 5 seconds out deep stomach breath through my mouth. It helps sometimes. I often notice I get really tense when I'm anxious so I try to relax my body often. It can be hard go do this in certain situations tho. Thank you for the advice. I just tried and did notice my chest rising when I do my breathing actually. You're super kind

my understanding is that it is better to breathe through your nose
those pesky nose hairs filter the air, but perhaps it is the angle the air takes that makes it all better

if you breathe in real deep and you are breathing through your chest, you will probably have an asthma type feel and almost be wheezing because you cannot get any more air in. then if you breathe into your stomach straight after you will feel so much more air go in and probably also be a little calmer

whenever we get a little anxious, big deep breaths do help - even thinking of a "calm blue ocean" or something that does relax you can help too. the big problem when we are anxious is that we can forget all about breathing properly and even hold our breath because we can be too busy panicking. maybe concentrating on breathing properly might help you. we all start off breathing through the stomach, but at some point some of us stop doing it. it sounds obvious, but air is our life blood. if we do not get our fill of oxygen, then nothing else will work like it is supposed to

Even if I was born with this wired into my brain it's still my fault I feel. I still hate how I am. Sometimes I do good and I'm mostly happy, but it never seems to stay. I've been in therapy since I was a kid. I tried to ctb around 8 or 9. I'm broken

unless you did something bad in a previous life and you have been hit by the karma bus, then it is not your fault. it is something that you sadly must endure but it cannot be your fault if you were born with it. i understand what you are saying and how you think you are broken, but if you keep allowing yourself to think that, you will never not be broken. you are special. you are caring. you are still too young to know that you can probably get your demons under control. at present, every thing seems a lost cause to you, but with just a little more life experience you will find out that it will get better. will it be enough to make you want to survive to an old age - i cannot tell you that, but please trust me when i say, you are in the most difficult age group at present. you are not a child, but you are not an adult either. you have learnt so much already, yet will learn so many better life lessons over the next 8 or so years. it could very well be worth sticking around to see how it goes. once a person is gone, it is over. at least while a person is still alive they do have a choice

i understand anxiety. i have never really been tested for it, but i personally would rather stay in my own little bubble and not have to deal with anyone. perhaps i do understand just how you feel, perhaps i do not, but i do know that it is not fun. the sunglasses trick works, but you do not need to look into anyone's eyes. when looking at someone, you can focus on their forehead or the chin. they will not be able to tell you are not looking into their eyes, but it will be easier for you to talk to people that way. just remember to make sure that you are breathing properly. i was both amazed and shocked when i finally figured out that i was holding my breath at the time i most needed to breathe. you might be doing it without realising it, and if so that will not be helping you one bit. maybe just try to become a little more sociable. it isn't easy i know but even just at the local shops, start off small and say "hey" to the cashier and make some small talk. if you bring yourself to do that, your social anxiety may start to get a lot better. also remember that most other people are anxious too. they just hope that you do not notice it in them. they are too busy being self conscious and being awkward to notice if you are too. stop hating yourself, start loving yourself and just try to work on breathing and even social skills and you might make some big improvements in your life - you deserve it; you truly do

 

[SASU-KE]

Seems like you're struggling with anxiety but there's nothing to hate yourself for. It's just something you're facing, it's not you. It's just your body's response to external stimuli.

It's obviously not easy to overcome and it's going to take your time and effort. I sincerely hope you succeed.

You seem normal, affectionate and outgoing here.Hopefully you can meet few people IRL that can see that side of you.

 

[wine is fine but]

My dad is similar with his mom. He refuses to talk about her and if I bring it up he gets upset

us boys do not like to talk about things that devastate us
probably the main reason is that both society and ourselves have dictated that we can only show emotion in two places
the shower and when walking in the rain