nummie
Chronically silly
- Feb 24, 2023
- 11
AHHHHHHHH
Thats my current mental state. I really want to die, so so very badly. I am fully convinced that i will die from suicide, its just a question of when. Every day i live im just earning for death and it makes me feel crazy. I wish i was in America where i could have access to a gun and just shoot myself. I constantly fantasies over my death, whether im just slashing my wrists until i bleed out or drowning or jumping off of a building or hanging or getting my hit by a train. Its not even an exaggeration when i say that these fantasies make me feel so happy and at peace. Right now im really considering hanging from a tree, ive read a few articles on it and its really helped me plan out my suicide more. However, i would feel bad for traumatising a random passerby finding my dead body.
I have no one in my life i can talk to about my depression which is why i use this platform as my own personal journal whenever things get really bad. Just found out i go to one of the worst universities in my country so i feel like shit for it. My family hates my guts and see me as a burden. I really do feel guilty that i ended up being their child and actually living this long. The longer i live the more i disappoint them and i feel like totally crap about it. Ive really tried to change but when i see no results, it just makes me convinced that im not really built for this life and i should die right now.
I feel jealous of people who actually see value in their own lives, what went wrong for me that i turned out so worthless
I want to cut myself, but im 9 months clean, id hate to fuck that up. But right now theres a voice inside telling me "whats the point in keeping that up? Youre already covered in scars and you enjoy it. Stop acting like self harm is a big deal and just do it" and that voice isnt wrong. Actually, writing all this out makes me want to cut again.
Anyway, rant over ig
Thats my current mental state. I really want to die, so so very badly. I am fully convinced that i will die from suicide, its just a question of when. Every day i live im just earning for death and it makes me feel crazy. I wish i was in America where i could have access to a gun and just shoot myself. I constantly fantasies over my death, whether im just slashing my wrists until i bleed out or drowning or jumping off of a building or hanging or getting my hit by a train. Its not even an exaggeration when i say that these fantasies make me feel so happy and at peace. Right now im really considering hanging from a tree, ive read a few articles on it and its really helped me plan out my suicide more. However, i would feel bad for traumatising a random passerby finding my dead body.
I have no one in my life i can talk to about my depression which is why i use this platform as my own personal journal whenever things get really bad. Just found out i go to one of the worst universities in my country so i feel like shit for it. My family hates my guts and see me as a burden. I really do feel guilty that i ended up being their child and actually living this long. The longer i live the more i disappoint them and i feel like totally crap about it. Ive really tried to change but when i see no results, it just makes me convinced that im not really built for this life and i should die right now.
I feel jealous of people who actually see value in their own lives, what went wrong for me that i turned out so worthless
I want to cut myself, but im 9 months clean, id hate to fuck that up. But right now theres a voice inside telling me "whats the point in keeping that up? Youre already covered in scars and you enjoy it. Stop acting like self harm is a big deal and just do it" and that voice isnt wrong. Actually, writing all this out makes me want to cut again.
Anyway, rant over ig
