Venting I don't want to do it

[akira.kewl]

I'm sorry, I feel like such a loser saying this. I was talking up such a big game, sharing my plan and everything, but just as I'm sure everyone expected, I can't do it. I don't want to live, I think about suicide every day. But I just don't think tonight's the night. I do wanna see how things go. I'm too scared to give it all up, even if that's what is objectively best for me, I think all of the doubt I've been having says enough.

I'm going to keep everything. The notes, the plan, all of that. Because I'm not saying ctb isn't the right option for me at all or isn't what I want, maybe I'll change my mind and decide to do it. A couple days from now, a couple weeks, months, years, who knows. But just not tonight. I just want to live for tonight. I just don't want to die tonight. Maybe I'll even change my mind and end up doing it anyway, but don't count on it.

I'm sorry I feel so stupid, I shouldn't have ever announced anything if I'm too weak to follow through, but I'm too selfish to give people this one thing. I swear I was dead set on doing it when I started talking about it. god i hate myself, I couldn't even do the one thing I've been wanting to do since early childhood. I wish I could just disappear instead
I'm sorry

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

It's okay. It's the biggest possible decision. I think a lot of us have had this realization: once your life becomes so painful you desire death, it still has to get a lot worse to make you act on it.

 

[nails]

this is a situation/feeling that many people on this site can relate to, myself included. you're not a loser and this is nothing to be ashamed of. i hope you find some relief from your suffering.

 

[jellyfish11]

you aren't weak, and you aren't a loser. these are normal, completely valid feelings. suicide is hard to go through with. lots of people on this site share an experience like yours and i promise you aren't alone in this. good luck, in whatever you choose <3

 

[BillyBob]

Nothing to be ashamed for at all. It is a big decision after all and I bet most people on this forum can share a similar experience.
Life can be rough at times for sure and you are strong for being able to make your own choices.
No one here will judge you for what you ultimately decide too do. All we can do is wish for the best for you and your life :)

 

[kuroshimi]

Nothing to be ashamed of. This is a very big decision. Such feeling are quite normal, as already mentioned most people can share the similar experience as you do. You're not stupid, weak or loser.

Anyway, good luck with whatever decision you make.

 

[twistedtransistor47]

It's ok, you're not weak, it's one of the hardest decisions a person can make I hope it all works out for you!

 

[Forever Sleep]

There's nothing to apologise for. There's no oblivation to kill ourselves, even if we feel sure we are going to. I think, if it doesn't feel right when the time comes then, it simply wasn't the time. I hope you are able to take some time to relax, regroup and be kind to yourself.

 

[no.death.bed.reQ]

If it were easy, everyone would do it