I don’t want to die but everyday it gets harder

[losthope1980]

Hello I'm 45 and 3 months ago my life changed forever. I'm must admit I did a lot of bad stuff , hurt a lot of people , i believe I'm a narcissist since I was full of pride and blinded by power , I cheated , lied and did really bad things to people who cared for me and loved me. The last thing I did led me to lose al contact with me ex wife and my kids who don't want to speak to me ever again. I'm all alone because of my actions, I wish I could be stronger but it gets heavier every day. I can't go back now. I figured the only way to escape the pain was to CTB but I would leave my kids without financial support and wouldn't be able to be around of something bad happened to them so I just could go on with it. It seems I have to live though it is unbearable , it's like I created my own hell

 

[Bleh61]

Your pain is

Hello I'm 45 and 3 months ago my life changed forever. I'm must admit I did a lot of bad stuff , hurt a lot of people , i believe I'm a narcissist since I was full of pride and blinded by power , I cheated , lied and did really bad things to people who cared for me and loved me. The last thing I did led me to lose al contact with me ex wife and my kids who don't want to speak to me ever again. I'm all alone because of my actions, I wish I could be stronger but it gets heavier every day. I can't go back now. I figured the only way to escape the pain was to CTB but I would leave my kids without financial support and wouldn't be able to be around of something bad happened to them so I just could go on with it. It seems I have to live though it is unbearable , it's like I created my own hell

It certainly seems like you have a lot going on in your life. I believe you have the opportunity to turn your life around. You should start by seeking a therapist who can help you identify and process the feelings you have. I'm not a holy roller, but I've experienced enough in my life to know that there is something beyond our plain of existence. Try prayer and or meditation. Look for ways to give back those in need. Helping others is extremely rewarding. I know from personal experience. There is hope. You have acknowledged that your actions have hurt others, and that this is causing you suffering, therefore it stands to reason that by helping others you will find more joy. I hop you can find a way to right the ship.

 

[fedup1982]

Well done getting this out. It's one of the steps you need to process things, come to realisations, make decisions.

It sounds like your kids are grounding you and it's really good that you want to be there for them. I think this will be the key to finding motivation to get help

 

[loveforthestars]

hey 3 months is barely anything in the grand scheme of 45 years! think about all that you have been through; you must've done something kind even once out of those 45 years.
i think the hardest step is always the realization. i'm sure your kids and your ex wife would want you to get better, to feel better and become a better person. you feeling bad about this now proves that you do care, and that you are a good person! you're right, staying alive is the only way to offset even a bit of the hurt you caused; you can only become a better person by being alive. but that being said, it's okay to take a break and just rest. we've all hurt a lot of people. it doesn't make us any less human or undeserving to live.