Story I don't think I'll ever be able to relax for relaxing brings me bad news.

[lohre2000s]

After mother was gone and burned I had for the first time in my life to be "responsible". It's shameful to admit that as a 24 year old boy, but I always had it so much easier because of mom.
Selling my old house in my good old town I lived for 20 years is not easy - it still wasn't bought because economy is shit and it seems like it won't sell for too much. Lawyers, lawyers, lawyers... I'm so tired having to deal with them.
It's been 6 months since her death and I still hasn't managed to resolve the issues related to her will. My sister hates me quite literally said she "wishes to destroy my life" (she always caused trouble for me and mom, and I deeply believe mom's cancer was spread because of the stress my sister caused). I never wanted to be hated. I never wished for ANY of this.
I have found myself unable to relax. I can't relax AT ALL. I can't play videogames, watch movies or generally do anything enjoyable besides art (since it feels productive). I'm always waiting for the next "bad news" to arrive. Always terrified of whatever could happen.
Today I was trying to have some fun alone at the karaoke, got myself a room, some soda and started singing. It distracts me, it's one of the few things I enjoy doing. I like singing "sad classic musical like songs" (?) like Total Eclipse of a Heart, Somewhere Over the Rainbow, Without You, Memory... anyways. As I was singing Liza Minnelli's Cabaret, I got a call, it seems like the current buyer of my house wants to give up from buying it. The documents are taking way too long and he doesn't want to wait anymore.
I start sweating and feeling nauseous, as this is pretty much all the money I would have. Now, karaoke, like every other thing, is spoiled for me. It just proved my point. I can't relax. If I relax, bad news happen.

I hate my current life. Nothing good ever happens. Maybe it's punishment for being such a coward while being so privileged. I wish I had a gun to kill myself, cause it's the only way I'd manage it.

 

[webb&flow]

Relaxing is not what actually caused the bad news: What actually happened is that bad news interrupted you while you were relaxing. I'm sorry to hear that—that's an awful coincidence for sure.

Future karaoke experiences will help to detach this association.

Maybe it's punishment for being such a coward while being so privileged.

The world does not administer punishment based off privilege <3.

---

It seems the whole situation with the house is leaving an open loop in your mind that is stressing you out.

Was the house put up for sale to help with your financial situation?

Here is what is happening inside your brain: The stress of the house is activating the same biological systems that the human body has always used for threat monitoring. The same circuits that activate when you see a tiger in the wild are the same ones that are causing the stress about your house right now. In the wilderness, the tiger would leave, and your systems would go back to baseline. But it seems this stress of the house is bothering you continously.

I really hope someone happens to pick up the house. Is there a way to have it back if it won't sell? Just wondering <3.

Here is one possible solution to this stress. Avoid prediction. Avoid anticipation. If something bad happens, then you will notice it naturally, without anticipating it. Sometimes a phone call with bad news will come up. That can't be predicted, and so it should not be. If you spend 100% of your time on standby, your systems will feel more strained, not less. If you avoid anticipation, bad things will come as a shock: but there will be reduced strain overall from not anticipating.

This is what is most peaceful: a mind like water. Water doesn't anticipate what falls onto it. When a pebble falls into it, it makes a pebble-sized splash. When a big rock falls into it, it makes a big rock sized splash. It doesn't tense up a few moments before the impact happens—it remains still and responds with the severity and shock an impact naturally brings. It's okay to feel pain and shock: but removing anticipation, stopping ourselves from obsessively checking around the corner, and just looking at the ground we walk upon—taking it as it comes—this is what will actually allow us to live in some peace.

True generosity to the future is giving all to the present.

—Albert Camus

Feel free to write whatever you like in reply. We are here for you <3.

 

[lohre2000s]

Relaxing is not what actually caused the bad news: What actually happened is that bad news interrupted you while you were relaxing. I'm sorry to hear that—that's an awful coincidence for sure.

Future karaoke experiences will help to detach this association.


The world does not administer punishment based off privilege <3.

---

It seems the whole situation with the house is leaving an open loop in your mind that is stressing you out.

Was the house put up for sale to help with your financial situation?

Here is what is happening inside your brain: The stress of the house is activating the same biological systems that the human body has always used for threat monitoring. The same circuits that activate when you see a tiger in the wild are the same ones that are causing the stress about your house right now. In the wilderness, the tiger would leave, and your systems would go back to baseline. But it seems this stress of the house is bothering you continously.

I really hope someone happens to pick up the house. Is there a way to have it back if it won't sell? Just wondering <3.

Here is one possible solution to this stress. Avoid prediction. Avoid anticipation. If something bad happens, then you will notice it naturally, without anticipating it. Sometimes a phone call with bad news will come up. That can't be predicted, and so it should not be. If you spend 100% of your time on standby, your systems will feel more strained, not less. If you avoid anticipation, bad things will come as a shock: but there will be reduced strain overall from not anticipating.

This is what is most peaceful: a mind like water. Water doesn't anticipate what falls onto it. When a pebble falls into it, it makes a pebble-sized splash. When a big rock falls into it, it makes a big rock sized splash. It doesn't tense up a few moments before the impact happens—it remains still and responds with the severity and shock an impact naturally brings. It's okay to feel pain and shock: but removing anticipation, stopping ourselves from obsessively checking around the corner, and just looking at the ground we walk upon—taking it as it comes—this is what will actually allow us to live in some peace.


Feel free to write whatever you like in reply. We are here for you <3.

Thank you so much for this. This is a very wise way to view the situation, I love it.
Yeah if the house doesn't sell I can still keep it, but it is in Brazil and I live in Japan right now so idk what good could come of that haha.
I loved the thing you said about water and anticipating what falls onto it. I want to try applying this to my life tho I am not sure how.

Thank you for your kindness, I really appreciate it.

 

[webb&flow]

Thank you so much for this. This is a very wise way to view the situation, I love it.
Yeah if the house doesn't sell I can still keep it, but it is in Brazil and I live in Japan right now so idk what good could come of that haha.

I loved the thing you said about water and anticipating what falls onto it. I want to try applying this to my life tho I am not sure how.

This entire thing about having a "mind-like-water" is something I first picked up from David Allen :).

Spoiler: David Allen

Transcription:

The Art of Stress-Free Productivity: David Allen at TEDxClaremontColleges | TEDx Talks Transcripts

Transcriber: Martin Laclaustra Reviewer: Denise RQ The art of stress free productivity is a martial art. I'll start w...... • TEDx Talks • Free to copy & download

pickscribe.com

May this help in the application of this to thy life ~

The application and realization of it in our real life is easier said than done; it's easier to realize something, than to realize it. But it is nice to know what we wish to move towards . You may make shifts in the concept you wish to embody, as you travel further along the path of actualizing it. That's OK :). Move along as you feel is right ^^.

Here is a poem that may assist in that focusing on the present~

Tu ne quaesieris, scire nefas, quem mihi, quem tibi
finem di dederint, Leuconoe, nec Babylonios
temptaris numeros. ut melius, quidquid erit, pati.
seu pluris hiemes seu tribuit Iuppiter ultimam,
quae nunc oppositis debilitat pumicibus mare
Tyrrhenum. Sapias, vina liques et spatio brevi
spem longam reseces. dum loquimur, fugerit invida
aetas: carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero.

Ask not ('tis forbidden knowledge), what our destined term of years,
Mine and yours; nor scan the tables of your Babylonish seers.
Far better to bear the future, my Leuconoe, like the past,
Whether Jove has many winters yet to give, or this our last;
This, that makes the Tyrrhene billows spend their strength against the shore.
Strain your wine and prove your wisdom; life is short; should hope be more?
In the moment of our talking, envious time has ebb'd away.
Seize the day; trust tomorrow e'en as little as you may.

—Horace, Odes 1:11

Thank you for your kindness, I really appreciate it.

Most happy to help ^^ <3!!! Feel free to lemme know if you need anything as well :). I'm open to replies or PMs if you ever have anything else that you wish to talk about. Take care of yourself lohre!!!! You got this ^^.

 

[webb&flow]

Hi there lohre. I am writing another reply to your post, because I felt like the first time around, I focused too much on metaphors rather than addressing your situation firsthand.

You said that you wished you had a gun to kill yourself with. I can see from what you wrote, that you are absolutely pressured right now, from above and below. Your suicidal emotions are not "wrong" or "weak". If I get slashed with a knife, and my skin bleeds and hurts, that's not "weakness", that's pain. It is the organism realizing it has been violated, and setting off the alarm for "this needs healing, a need is not being met". Your suicidal emotions are wishes for the pain to end, for the pain to reduce.

I just want to tell you: I know that I as a stranger on the internet cannot be a physical face whom you meet in person and whose physical presence regulates your emotions of safety, trust, and security; but there is really something I want to inform you about your situation. What you described here—the vigilance, nausea, restlessness, the fear and anxiety riddling the nerves right now—these are all part of specific processes that operate under a structure. This is not punishment, this is not cowardice; this is your system employing natural responses; it is doing what it usually does to stay afloat in stormy waters. All of this anxiety you are feeling right now, it comes from real, clear causes. These are specific factors—even when they feel like everything at once—and specific factors can shift. The anxiety you feel right now from the house, from your loneliness, financial situation, social situation; these are "open loops". An open loop is when a need is not met by its fulfillment. It is when you are hungry and have not eaten food yet. It is when you feel sleepy and have not gone to bed yet. It is when you have financial threats introduced to your life, without clear conclusion. It is when a deep source of love and comfort in your life passes away, leaving you feel isolated; it is when your only sibling is adversarial rather than there for you.

Your anxiety is not "all in your head", but it's your system expressing intensely that it feels deprived with its current situation. Your anxiety is a real response to your current, real situation.

Your mother's death was incredibly traumatic to you—separation is one thing, grief is another—and the whole financial situation with the house, too. It's not at all a personal failure to feel suicidal in periods of insane stress and isolation, especially compounded over months. Any human organism would feel incredibly stressed, trapped, disempowered, in this situation. It is just like how anyone outside in the open with thunder cracking the sky, would not feel at ease. It's not you: it's the circumstance.

But I want to tell you this, amidst all this. The systems driving your pain are responsive to input changes. And parts of your system can influence and "cascade" into another. This means when pressure from one thing is even slightly eased, it would affect how your system experiences the other pressures as well. It changes how your system handles the rest. Your brain is currently comparing all the different sources of pain you are experiencing: "Am I able to do these things?" "Do I have agency and control here?". When you experience multiple traumatic ongoing situations which you find yourself unable to make progress on (and which continually stress you), it's completely understandable to see why those feelings of unfixability may bleed over from one struggle to the other.

It won't all dissolve in one day. But there is another truth as well. You do not need to rebuild everything. You need one thing to change. One recurring person. One loop that closes. One place where your effort lands visibly, that makes you feel like your actions have effects. Pain is not a failure—pain is a signal. Pain is a sign that a need of our organism is not being met. When we feel our stomach grumbling, it means we need food. When we feel deathly isolated, it means we need more social interaction & bonding in our lives. Pain can be a compass.

 

[lohre2000s]

Hi there lohre. I am writing another reply to your post, because I felt like the first time around, I focused too much on metaphors rather than addressing your situation firsthand.

You said that you wished you had a gun to kill yourself with. I can see from what you wrote, that you are absolutely pressured right now, from above and below. Your suicidal emotions are not "wrong" or "weak". If I get slashed with a knife, and my skin bleeds and hurts, that's not "weakness", that's pain. It is the organism realizing it has been violated, and setting off the alarm for "this needs healing, a need is not being met". Your suicidal emotions are wishes for the pain to end, for the pain to reduce.

I just want to tell you: I know that I as a stranger on the internet cannot be a physical face whom you meet in person and whose physical presence regulates your emotions of safety, trust, and security; but there is really something I want to inform you about your situation. What you described here—the vigilance, nausea, restlessness, the fear and anxiety riddling the nerves right now—these are all part of specific processes that operate under a structure. This is not punishment, this is not cowardice; this is your system employing natural responses; it is doing what it usually does to stay afloat in stormy waters. All of this anxiety you are feeling right now, it comes from real, clear causes. These are specific factors—even when they feel like everything at once—and specific factors can shift. The anxiety you feel right now from the house, from your loneliness, financial situation, social situation; these are "open loops". An open loop is when a need is not met by its fulfillment. It is when you are hungry and have not eaten food yet. It is when you feel sleepy and have not gone to bed yet. It is when you have financial threats introduced to your life, without clear conclusion. It is when a deep source of love and comfort in your life passes away, leaving you feel isolated; it is when your only sibling is adversarial rather than there for you.

Your anxiety is not "all in your head", but it's your system expressing intensely that it feels deprived with its current situation. Your anxiety is a real response to your current, real situation.

Your mother's death was incredibly traumatic to you—separation is one thing, grief is another—and the whole financial situation with the house, too. It's not at all a personal failure to feel suicidal in periods of insane stress and isolation, especially compounded over months. Any human organism would feel incredibly stressed, trapped, disempowered, in this situation. It is just like how anyone outside in the open with thunder cracking the sky, would not feel at ease. It's not you: it's the circumstance.

But I want to tell you this, amidst all this. The systems driving your pain are responsive to input changes. And parts of your system can influence and "cascade" into another. This means when pressure from one thing is even slightly eased, it would affect how your system experiences the other pressures as well. It changes how your system handles the rest. Your brain is currently comparing all the different sources of pain you are experiencing: "Am I able to do these things?" "Do I have agency and control here?". When you experience multiple traumatic ongoing situations which you find yourself unable to make progress on (and which continually stress you), it's completely understandable to see why those feelings of unfixability may bleed over from one struggle to the other.

It won't all dissolve in one day. But there is another truth as well. You do not need to rebuild everything. You need one thing to change. One recurring person. One loop that closes. One place where your effort lands visibly, that makes you feel like your actions have effects. Pain is not a failure—pain is a signal. Pain is a sign that a need of our organism is not being met. When we feel our stomach grumbling, it means we need food. When we feel deathly isolated, it means we need more social interaction & bonding in our lives. Pain can be a compass.

Hello again friend. First of all, I must repeatedly thank you for the kindness in using your time to write such an interesting reply.
I have never considered the "logical"(?) explanation of my suffering so it was a little enlightening. " This means when pressure from one thing is even slightly eased, it would affect how your system experiences the other pressures as well. It changes how your system handles the rest." This is very very interesting and in a way even a little relieving haha.
This... suffering, is really new for me. I was always very joyous. Like, REALLY joyous. I used to be the kind of guy that would look at the positive side in every situation and I sort of miss that. It's never coming back tho, as I think I was only ignorant and that saddens me deeply.
I agree that pain can be a compass, problem is not having the strength to walk the needed direction I guess.
Once again, I thank you for the kindness in writing this comment. I must ask, out of sheer curiosity and nothing more than that: Why do you do this? It surely took a few good minutes writing and thinking of all of this, perhaps you enjoy studying the human psyche and whatnot? It's just curiosity, and once again I thank you for the kindness.