I don't like not being suicidal anymore.

[Defenestration]

I don't like not being suicidal anymore.

On one hand, it's a sign that I'm doing better... but on the other hand, it also means that I must to fight all big problems of my life.

What I mean is that, of course, I can theoretically always ctb, but I can't even do it when I'm very suicidal, so when I'm not, or not really anymore, it seems complicated.

And you?

 

[theDunce]

So true, complicated like you said. Definitely had days where I was feeling it more so. I don't think I can go on though so I am not really feeling it but feeling that I must do it instead. Don't know if that makes any sense but that is where my mind goes. I guess it will always be painful until I am gone.

 

[EmptyBottle]

I feel similar... after failing 1 attempt, that taught me that CTB might not work for me... and that's how I somehow kept going even thru times where I otherwise would've CTB'd.

By registering when the CTB wishes were already fading... and stating that got surprise questions like "why am I here if I" [don't wish to CTB], I explain that I wished CTB in the past and sometimes wish it... and the user then understands.

 

[stopMotionSickness]

I mean sure, in my mind ctb has always been a coping mechanism. Like water, people will choose simply the path of least resistance, and water will cross mountains if around it are only taller mountains. People choose ctb if all other paths feel insurmountable, and thus choose the least-bad option, at least in their mind.

It reminds me of a dream I once had about nuclear war ending the world while I was at some formal new-years party. It was in a big fancy high-rise apartment with big glass windows, and the end started when the first warheads started going off on the edge of the horizon, with more explosions to follow, getting closer and closer. I remember feeling so much at peace with that this was the end, that while everyone else ran out in a panic, I sat down on a couch and just looked out the window, waiting for the tide of fire to wash over me. It was a gut-wrenching disappointment to just wake up on a regular ass tuesday and having to go to school.

By registering when the CTB wishes were already fading... and stating that got surprise questions like "why am I here if I" [don't wish to CTB], I explain that I wished CTB in the past and sometimes wish it... and the user then understands.

And I think that gets at the big reason I like it here; it's not necessarily that everyone has to be suicidal and encouraging and all that, but I feel like people gain a newfound seriousness about life only when they seriously consider the alternative. I think the most interesting and motivated people are those who have considered death, and in the face of that still choose life. Or if they did choose death, then they at least looked at things with an honesty and clarity that I think otherwise sort of gunks up people's ability to see this.