Maormer
Member
- May 21, 2024
- 41
Earlier this year i tried to end my life. Its been a few months and i thought i was getting better but honestly im barely holding it together. I want so badly to be able to take some SN and finally rest for good, but after telling my friend about my last attempt i just cant do it. She was so devastated and i realized that, no matter what i do to minimize the damage i cause, ending my own life will hurt people i care about far more than if i died through no fault of my own. I feel so guilt ridden. I know i should feel that way but cant get past the shame i feel about my attempts. I promised her that i would never attempt again, but i just dont know how to live. I dont know how to be ok with this. i fall asleep dreading tomorrow and wake up crying. Im so afraid and anxious 24/7 and the stress from work, school, and the general state of the world is driving me crazy. My depersonalization and derealization have gotten so much worse too. I feel like im loosing my grip on reality, ive started doing "reality checks" throughout my day to assure myself that i really am awake and not dreaming. Im so scared that im going to go insane or something.
In the past i was able to use suicide as a crutch. Whenever life became too much i could remind myself that i could leave whenever i wanted. But without it as an option i feel so trapped and afraid. I made the decision that id never hurt myself again and so fair ive managed to uphold that promise. I havent attempted or self harmed since that night. But i dont know how long i can keep this up. i know i need to get better. i know that if i stay here i will die, but i dont know how to be a person anymore. How do you live when you spent the past 8 years of your life living from one attempt to the next? I never planned on getting this far, theres not much that i really want out of my life, i never let myself have ambitions because i assumed id be dead. I dont know how to live without an expiration date looming over my head.
In the past i was able to use suicide as a crutch. Whenever life became too much i could remind myself that i could leave whenever i wanted. But without it as an option i feel so trapped and afraid. I made the decision that id never hurt myself again and so fair ive managed to uphold that promise. I havent attempted or self harmed since that night. But i dont know how long i can keep this up. i know i need to get better. i know that if i stay here i will die, but i dont know how to be a person anymore. How do you live when you spent the past 8 years of your life living from one attempt to the next? I never planned on getting this far, theres not much that i really want out of my life, i never let myself have ambitions because i assumed id be dead. I dont know how to live without an expiration date looming over my head.
