Venting I am disgusted by my body...

[Sammystink]

My body is disgusting, every time I look in the mirror I feel deep shame.. I shave every morning because facial hair makes me want to kill myself.. But even after half a day it starts to grow back. It makes me feel disgusted It makes me want to tear my skin off I hate it so fucking much.
It's worse too, Im fat, I've always been fat and no matter how much exercise I do, or how long I fast I AM STILL FAT, I hate it so fucking much. I want to lose weight, I put so much fucking effort into losing weight, yet nothing changes Im still fat im so fucked..
And my gene's couldn't be even more fucked Im so tall, Im too ashamed to measure my height because Im so tall, my family always goes on about how tall I am whenever I see them.. I HATE IT SO MUCH..
Oh don't even forget my Self harm scars, my legs and arms are covered in them, and they will never go away, they may fade but everyone who will ever see my legs will see how mentally fucked I am immediately..
I have bad posture, and I look like an actual ogre...
I also have so much body hair, especially on my legs I try to shave my whole body but nothing is enough, I have so many different products to remove body hair and to make it easier but I still can't keep up with it!
Estrogen is actually failing me so much, it's been 2 years,and my boobs are still small, I still don't pass..
I found out I was being micro-dosed so I tried to find a new doctor BUT NOOO I can't find anyone who works with trans people near me, I don't have money or the knowledge to diy.. So Im just fucked, Im never going to pass and it sucks, I want to be pretty, I try so hard, but I still just end up being this fat fucking worthless ogre...
I want to feel pretty so bad, I really feel desperate at times. I have this version of myself in my head, who was born a girl, who was allowed to live life and experience the childhood of a girl. She's beautiful and happy, and is just like my mom.. I know it's not realistic or healthy that way but I wish I could have just been born as someone else…
It hurts too, I hear all my other trans friends beat themselves up for being ugly, when they're so beautiful I seriously envy so many of my friends.. But so many of them tell me they're jealous of me, of my hair, or my clear skin which I'm so lucky to have… I don't want to make them feel ugly especially when they're so beautiful… I also don't want to feel like I'm throwing away my few good genes by being lazy or killing myself.. I don't know…
Anyways if you really read all this thank you all for listening to this unhinged rant..

 

[CarbonBased]

That is so unfortunate. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. I wish people were able to just choose their own bodies. I don't share your experience, so I'm not sure if this is helpful, but I met so many trans people in VRChat and they seem to be comfortable in there. In that world you can literally pick your own body and literally nobody cares even if your avatar doesn't match your voice. I don't think I'm trans, but I am using female avatars sometimes and nobody ever questions me for it (despite me having a fairly deep voice). You'll probably feel most comfortable in dedicated queer or furry communities, but most of vrchat is quite inclusive anyway. The experience is better with VR, but it works just fine on PC (I don't have VR myself). I know it's not the real thing, but it's probably as close as you can get without extensive surgery, hormonal therapy, cosmetics, and so on. If you haven't yet, I highly suggest that you give it a try. I really hope it can help you a bit. Sending love