Venting I am a disappointment to my parents

[sea333]

I have no motivation or desire to work. Ideally I think I'd just like to settle down in a mundane and stable job, then go home and clock out. But my parents expect more from me. It's not that simple. I keep failing exams and neglecting work, and inevitably whenever I see my parents I feel super guilty. I had a talk with my mom last night, and she told me that she wants the best for me, that she stays up at night worrying about me, etc. I think that did it for me, I started crying right into the pillow.

I've been thinking about killing myself for a few months now. Other than my parents, I don't see the point in living. It seems really mundane and stupid but I don't think going through the ordeal of working and trying in life is worth it. It just seems like struggle after struggle after struggle with the slightest hint of the reward of happiness or excitement. There doesn't seem to be anything to look forward to at all. I just want to lie down in my bed and rot there for a long time. I wish it were easy to kill myself, like the click of a button. I wouldn't have to worry about leaving behind my anguished family or worry about the method not working or destroying me even further.

My social life is not that much better. I can't find it in me to socialize because I'm ugly. I'm not fat, just ugly. That's all it is. I was mocked consistently throughout my life for my appearance and I think I've had enough. I wish I were born a tall, smart, and attractive guy but I wasn't. I feel like a clown. While I sit here on my computer at 3 AM writing about what a failure I am, my peers are asleep, reserving their energy and having something to look forward to in the morning. Idk, I'm up right now because I have an exam in the morning that I totally forgot about. I'm probably going to wake up tired and do badly on it, no matter how much I study but I can't bring myself to go to sleep. There is nothing even remotely redeeming about myself, I think even to my own family. I am not convinced my parents really love me. I think they love the idea of me--their very own son, but I don't think they actually like me if that makes sense. They force themselves to love me and act kind to me because I'm their son, and they feel obligated to if that makes sense. I despise my miserable existence with every fiber of my being and I truly wish I was never born and I never existed and it was some other child that was born into my family instead.

 

[ethereal_hobo]

It's tough. You could have exam anxiety causing a lot of your problems. There's a guy called David Putwain who talks some sense on this subject. He's better on podcasts or articles than one of his books I bought, however (it's quite statistical and hard to read).

One last thing: **** school and everyone's expectations. I mean that just to try and lighten the burdens you're feeling. I don't mean spray graffiti all over your school or anything lol

 

[wantingdignity]

I'm so sorry you're going through that. As someone who has been officially labeled as the family disappointment by one of my parents, it sucks. I'm sure it will get better eventually, but it's killing me right now too.

It sounds like this is not the pressure you need when you're about to take exams as well. I'm not sure how old you are, but know that your teens and 20s are for trying things out and seeing what happens. If you do something for yourself that your parents don't like, it's on them to handle their emotions, not you. All you can really do is take whatever next step is right for you. It honestly sounds like you need support. A lot of colleges have accommodations available for people struggling with depression (extended deadlines, etc). And if you need to take time off to figure things out or go to therapy, that's okay too. There's no rush. Really.

Do you have someone in real life that you can talk to? I hope venting here helped too

 

[Dinorun]

I am in a similar place my parents also have all those expectations pushed down on me, uni, socially, romantically, it's suffocating and every time I fail them it's fucking horrible I feel like I don't deserve anything good or that that they provide me and that I can't meet anything they want
I really do relate to the wish I wasn't born and if only I could easily exit

I guess what helped me slightly is realizing two things

A) they just want the best for you, they want it so bad that they Miss and forget "YOU" which sucks. But it's not from bad intentions, they probably just don't know any better and maybe even project on you their hopes and dreams.

B) not long ago I cracked.
my mom was going on and on about how I need to do good in my studies and that if anything happens Its killing her and bunch of other shit.
It broke me from inside, and I had enough, a wave of apathy washed over me. I told her simple something like.
I love you, but I don't care anymore, you place all those expectations over me, and I try and do them for you, I'm trying. and it's all for you but I don't care how my studies make you feel anymore. It's not fair to tell me those things. Those stuff are on YOU not on me. It's my life.

Since then I think something changed and she became more gentle maybe she had a few realizations, idk.

Sorry that you feel this way and in this situation
No one should be there and it really damages to the soul.
Hopefully you can get through it and finally reach a place in life where you are content and can be more independent

 

[vergnano]

It makes two of us :(

 

[itsgone2]

I've been thinking about killing myself for a few months now. Other than my parents, I don't see the point in living. It seems really mundane and stupid but I don't think going through the ordeal of working and trying in life is worth it. It just seems like struggle after struggle after struggle with the slightest hint of the reward of happiness or excitement.

This kind of is life. It seems so stupid when you can step back and really look at it. More struggle than joy. And everything indicates it's about to get much worse

 

[fuzzypeach]

i feel the same way. i feel like i ruined my family, and if i ctb id just make everything worse. my parents are high school sweethearts and have been best friends since childhood... then here i come to ruin their fairytale.

 

[achingthroat]

I heavily resonate with this post. I am also not the best at performing well academically and I just want to give up, but giving up on college and dropping out feels like giving up on life and that I'm doomed to be nothing. I make my parents worry a lot especially my mom, but she seems to be unbothered sometimes by my problems once they pass (the break downs) I really wish it was so easy as the click of a button, but the fact it's not leaves me feeling so stuck that any attempt in mind I have could not go well and leave me disabled and just generally off worse. That's what's been lingering in my mind lately. Knowing that I have the option to opt out any time I want felt so comforting to rely on. It's different now and I'm scared because I may be really stuck here and it's a nightmare.
It's almost 5 am and I'm on here instead of resting for today's exam that's worth 60% of my grade. :/