I am a bad person

[alreadyfound]

I hate myself. I truly, deeply despise myself. There is nothing in the world I hate more than myself, and I am a pretty hateful person. I am such a dumb, worthless, stupid loser that don't deserve anything but to suffer. I wish everyday, all day that I could kill myself, but I can't because of my family. They love me but not because I am a good person, only because I am a fucking liar. I lie on everything. Nobody knows me truly because I just can't tell people how much I am despicable and a failure. I have been myself with only one person in all my life and he hate me, it hurt so bad. Why am I such a bad person? I do my best but it's never enough because I am inherently corrupt. My blood is filthy, my organs are filthy, my body is full of poison and rot, I don't even have a soul. I hope I will soon died from a natural causes, like a car crash or a disease. It would make everything so much easier.

 

[arrythmia]

I feel you and i relate to you a lot.
There is nothing i despise more than myself.
I can't off myself because of family and other reasons just like you. Nowadays, I'm trying volunteering because I've found that i can be useful to others, i can bring some relief to them even though i can't feel it myself. Honestly, it makes me hate myself even more and it makes me disgusted but thier kind words and smiles make it bearable. I'm more depressed than ever and everytime i go out to a volunteering event i get panic attacks and severe insomnia. I keep trying. Thursday I'm going to a mass gathering event and I'll be working as a volunteer for 10 days straight in a different city and completely different environment. I hope this experience will give me a reason to live.
I'm sorry for the rant, i don't mean to take away from your struggle and insert myself but my point is to try volunteering. Try giving what you can't give yourself. You may not be happy but you will feel some sense of usefulness and maybe, just maybe it can make your existence a little bit more bearable.

 

[alreadyfound]

I tried getting involved in volunteer work to make friends, but it didn't really work out, and I stopped because I was too tired due to depression lol. But it might be nice to start again. I volunteered at a cultural organization, so maybe that wasn't the best for feeling like I was helping others. What field are you in? You don't have to answer if it makes you uncomfortable, of course.