What was your experience with medication?

[Leonard_Bangley39]

I feel like i probably should take something like ssris or more stabilizers but i don't have a primary care doctor to talk to and i don't want to sit through therapy. I could probably also benefit from some kind of hormone blocker to kill my libido.

i just feel like i hate everything. about a week ago while i was cutting i accidentally went too deep and hit a vein. blood started spurting out and i had to go to the er to get stitches. i still get cold and knots in my stomach thinking about that spurting coming from my arm. when i got home, i gave all my razors to my sister and told her to throw them away.

Since then, I've been gooning almost all day every day as soon as i get home from work because it's the only thing i can do that doesn't make me want to cut or kms in the moment. ill just lay in bed right after getting home and changing and goon until i go to sleep. I can't even do things i enjoy like play games on my laptop cause i would rather goon and it distracts me from the game. and it all just makes me feel shittier and i hate myself. i always hate myself. it's always been me hating myself. I've hated myself for maybe a year now. im fucking worthless. im a piece of shit. i don't deserve love. i don't deserve good things. I'll never amount to anything ever. ill never find love. ill never start a family. ill never build some sort of foundation. ill never have a career. ill always just be some fat ugly piece of shit who always takes the easy way out and can never commit to anything, some negative pessimistic piece of worthless scum that nobody wants to be around. i don't even know why people like my friends or family like me, i don't deserve it. i don't deserve anything. im a terrible person, everything i do is evil, i am evil, i always have and always will be a terrible, evil, horrible person. not even a person. people don't act like this. im not even worth being called a person. all i can do is goon all day too distract myself from how much i hate myself and how much i hate everything and how much i hate myself for hating everything and how much i hate myself for gooning and how much i want to cut but I'm scared of cutting because i don't want to cut but i do want to cut i want to cut i want to self harm i just want to to something but i don't want to see that spurt again i don't want to risk that but i just can't fucking take it why am i like this i can't even just enjoy a voice call with my friend playing games together without sone random thing triggering my brain to go on a downward spiral of hate and make me hate myself or feel envious and jealous or both why am i like that why can't i just enjoy time with my friend why do i have to be such a negative little bitch just have fun you fucking idiot why why why stop overthinking every single message and every single interaction and stop getting jealous it envious over a fictional fucking character just because they said they were cool stop having sex and hentai and gooning on your mind 24/7 while messaging them you fucking inbred troglodyte why are you like this why is going the only thing you ever think of when you chat with them you know that will just ruin things you need to have boundaries but you willingly ignore them because gooning is the only thing you can think of why just stop it be normal be normal just be fucking normal why can't you be normal why she's everything have to be an ordeal why can't you just be normal to out and talk to people normally stop carrying about every little thing and just be normal go be normal you want friends or l and love and yet you have everyone and everything around you and can only ever talk to people online who are just as weird as you you did this to yourself you deserve this you deserve to have nothing and nobody I'm fucking worthless why

To anyone who has taken or is taking medications here, what was your experience and how did you end up getting prescribed them? Did they help?

 

[Leonard_Bangley39]

how long did it take for your medications to have an effect, if any?

 

[dannycho]

Never had good reactions to medications. AP's give me akathisis and SSRIs and SNRIs well send me into a full blown manic episode. I also get really distressing intrusive thoughts and suffer from compulsive behavior. I'm not sure if there's anything to help me anymore except benzo's.

 

[HollowTree]

i've had a few different ssri's, they typically take about a week or two to kick in. they help for sure, but the problem comes when you build a tolerance and they just stop working. been in an endless loop of getting a new prescription> feeling better for a month or two> meds stop working> repeat. it's exhausting.

that's just me tho, definitely at least try em out. hopefully they last longer for you.

 

[corax]

ah, i've been on SSRIs a few times. i tend to have issues with dissociating and noticing my own emotions in general (alexithymia), and most meds i tried did make me kinda more stable but also more numb. and that's something i dislike strongly. the way i got to them was by going to my gp and telling them my symptoms, which are consistent with depression/anxiety/ptsd and some other shite. gotta admit the pills were useful in the short term tho. put things in perspective, in a way.

it's a good tool if used right, and for some people, it may present a feasible long-term solution or at least help significantly. i know several people who have made great strides concerning their mental health with the help of medication, so i respect it, and it's probably good to give it a try. it's an option worth exploring - and even if meds don't help long-term (or in the way you wish they did), the experience can still be useful for learning something about yourself and your needs. that's my stance, anyway. it's still drugs tho, so understandably a bad combo can mess with u.

and i apologise if i'm overstepping here, but some of what you wrote resonated with me, so i'd like to offer some food for thought in the hope that maybe a smidgeon of it might be of use.
I sympathise with how you feel about yourself and... the best (and kinda mean sounding) advice i can give you for dealing with it is that you're really not that important. obviously you are important as a person, but what (if anything) makes you more important than anyone else? and if the answer is nothing, that begs the question of what makes you more worthless than anyone else. comparatively, it's not dissimilar in that the importance and value judgements are a deeply personal and subjective issue. we cannot be truly objective about anything anyway, so it's up to us to ascertain what it means to be a worthy/worthless or evil/good person. what makes you worse than anyone else you know? is it truly something unique to you, or is it something that could be applied more broadly? is there something about you that you feel you couldn't forgive a loved one? is feeling terrible truly such a sin? i don't know you, but from this post, it doesn't sound like you did anything evil. it just sounds like you're suffering. and my heart goes out to you.

i think meds might be worth a try, and i hope you give them a shot. and even if you cannot see why, your friends and family do like you. they see something in you that makes you worthy of love and affection and care, since they're willing to give it. and the fact that you feel worthless and evil doesnt make it so; feelings aren't facts. feelings are information and signals to further interpret and work with.

well. i've used quite a few quick and dirty "logic" shortcuts there to simplify what's already a needlessly complicated post, i'm sorry if it doesnn't make sense or if i'm going about it all wrong. sorry if it isn't useful. i'm pretty limited in my capacity to reply regularly or in a timely manner, but if you need to talk, i'll listen.

 

[Afterglow]

I was on a couple meds through my psychiatrist of 50mg of Duloxetine (SSNRI), 5mg of Aripiprazole, 125mg of Lamotrigine, all for MDD and mood stabilization, and I felt genuinely happy and real again for a couple months after about 8 months of serious depression. It was refreshing for sure. That was back in early 2024 though. I started falling back into a serious depressive spiral and my psychiatrist thought I was taking the piss, so she just said "Yeah, your meds look good, you'll be fine :)"

I was in fact, not fine. Back in September after a serious break up and the end of my last chance of having a real life, I cold turkey'd all of my meds and it fucked me up for a while. I'm back to normal I think now. Although my normal is a seriously depressed loser who talks about suicide but is too scared to act on it even with a handgun right in front of her as she is typing this.

So yeah, they helped for a few months. Then medical malpractice rang the doorbell and reminded me that my sentence in hell isn't over yet.

 

[Leonard_Bangley39]

i just wish all if this could end and i could be normal

 

[Afterglow]

i just wish all if this could end and i could be normal

It's a reasonable thing to want.

I think most of us here wish that we could just be happy and live.