How to accept I will never have another girlfriend no matter what when it's the only thing I want in life

[unloveable27]

The difference between life with and without a romantic relationship is like night and day. Mine was long distance too and we only got to meet in person for a very short time. It's been three years since I've talked to her and I don't feel the least bit better. I regret everything and wish I could start over but I can't.
I also only got the relationship as a fluke and am too ugly, short and autistic to ever have another relationship. Swipe apps are all appearance based and every meet up or group i go to is way older people and mostly men.
I don't care about my passions and hobbies anymore, all I want is a girlfriend but I'll never have one again. But killing myself would destroy my parents. I wish they just understood how CTB is the right choice for me. I would be less embarrassed to have a dead son than a 28 year old virgin who has no ambition and hates life. I have almost no interest in platonic relationships anymore either
I'm posting in recovery because I'm looking to be -genuinely- convinced I'm wrong, and shouldn't do it. I don't want to leave without trying everything. Despite this i already have everything planned out and a deadline set. Please let me know if I am breaking the rules.
The fact that's hardest to argue with is that I won't be around to process my family's reactions or anything at all after death and so I wouldn't have to worry about it after.
That's also what makes wanting to stay alive challenging because dreamless eternal sleep sounds better than life as 28, 29, 30 year old virgin with no one to hold at night after a bad day.
I feel so much anhedonia even when doing hobbies I used to love. I used to draw and have lost my ability. I can't lift as much as I used to because I don't have enough energy. I can't bring myself to play guitar because my music will never be finished because I'm too scared to record vocals.

Anyone who has experienced The suicide death of another who did have hope they just didn't see, please share if you are comfortable.

If this isn't appropriate for recovery please move it to another section if possible. I really want to hear what people have to say. I'm totally ready to die internally but squeamish about the emotional pain I will inflict; and the panic of searching for my body, and the disappointment and despair when I'm found gone. I can't leave a note because it would make it easier to find me in time but everyone knows why I want to ctb anyways. They just think my romantic luck will change because they're from another era before dating apps when I know it won't and haven't found a way to cope with that and probably never will.

Anyone who's ever had to identify a loved one's body would be welcome too. I also want to hear from people who lost others but understand why they ctb and respect their choice

 

[violetforever]

i feel like it's a problem when you don't appreciate platonic relationships. do you want a girlfriend or mainly just sex? you insult yourself with the word virgin a few times.

 

[unloveable27]

i feel like it's a problem when you don't appreciate platonic relationships. do you want a girlfriend or mainly just sex? you insult yourself with the word virgin a few times.

Ideally I'd like to have a normal healthy sex life with a woman I'm in a relationship, my enjoyment of being in a relationship was that it felt like someone truly cared and was worth working and waiting to meet. I was able to talk about anything with her in a more sensitive way than I would with others.
I can't have that ever again. No one will ever care as much as my ex did. She put up with so much. And I gave her so little in return. The guilt and regret alone make me want to CTB.
I would know how to be in a healthy relationship now if I had a genuine opportunity but there's better options that will be chosen over me since I'm unattractive
Being a virgin in your 20s is pathetic. I'm pathetic. Obviously it's different if you're Mormon or asexual or whatever but it is a sign of social and physical weakness in normal people's eyes.

 

[Heraskov]

Though I've certainly had less experience in this life than you (I'm eighteen), I've felt a similar way as you do in this constant despair I suffer from over a woman who I loved who I never did ask out when I had the time to, with my reluctance to ask her out arising just out of utter cowardice (looking back on it, I know I absolutely would have had a chance with her; she was just like me in some ways yet with enough contrast to where we could have acted like each others' "gas and brakes," and we were already having very enjoyable discussions in the environment we near-daily encountered each other in until she moved away).

I consider that loss to currently be one of the greatest failures I've faced in my short life, having never revealed my love to her, and it is one of the events of my existence that has pushed me most towards a desire for an isolated future away from the rest of the world (in the monastic sense; I'd like to join a monastery in due time), for I haven't found a woman who remotely resembles any part of that beloved girl's character (nor would I be desired by the other women around me in my current circumstances because of some of the reasons like the ones that you describe yourself as suffering from, like a lack of attractiveness or social ability).

I now consider that entire blunder of hesitance to have been a gift given to me from God so that He could very blatantly show me why I'm not suited to live in the world in pursuit of such things as romance. I feel immense sadness in knowing this, but I personally find this sadness and persistent emotional distress to be necessary for me because my main philosophy regarding joy in life is that there is salvific value in suffering, and that value brings me closer to understanding God, which then gives me some assurances of peace in eternity which themselves act as temporary periods of mortal peace during my prayers with Him, and that's enough to keep me going.

Now, enough about me, for in those long-winded three paragraphs did I want to give attention and sympathy to the fact that your feelings must clearly be very excruciating, for my experience has been terrible while yours, as far as I can imagine, multiplies such suffering tenfold. Because of my inexperienced life, all that I can really tell you are kind words rather than words of real wisdom. In your other reply, you specifically emphasized that "being a virgin in your 20s is pathetic," and that you're therefore pathetic. No matter the differences you and I likely have in our religious or philosophical opinions, I think we both share the belief that the manmade world is evil, and that its evil is proven by such symptoms as its unfairness to many in these struggles like romance. The belief I don't think we share, however, is if there is value beyond the manmade world (beyond modern society, which is what deems your situation as pathetic), for that is much more subjective.

I think that there is more value in this mortal existence than civilization itself. My hope is that, if you would like to recover, that you will eventually find peace in this existence by discovering a way (a lifestyle, a belief, any such "way") to rid yourself of that anhedonia without CTBing, so I will pray for you tonight that you're able to do that. Otherwise, you'll nonetheless have my prayer if you decide to go through with that option.

 

[unloveable27]

Though I've certainly had less experience in this life than you (I'm eighteen), I've felt a similar way as you do in this constant despair I suffer from over a woman who I loved who I never did ask out when I had the time to, with my reluctance to ask her out arising just out of utter cowardice (looking back on it, I know I absolutely would have had a chance with her; she was just like me in some ways yet with enough contrast to where we could have acted like each others' "gas and brakes," and we were already having very enjoyable discussions in the environment we near-daily encountered each other in until she moved away).

I consider that loss to currently be one of the greatest failures I've faced in my short life, having never revealed my love to her, and it is one of the events of my existence that has pushed me most towards a desire for an isolated future away from the rest of the world (in the monastic sense; I'd like to join a monastery in due time), for I haven't found a woman who remotely resembles any part of that beloved girl's character (nor would I be desired by the other women around me in my current circumstances because of some of the reasons like the ones that you describe yourself as suffering from, like a lack of attractiveness or social ability).

I now consider that entire blunder of hesitance to have been a gift given to me from God so that He could very blatantly show me why I'm not suited to live in the world in pursuit of such things as romance. I feel immense sadness in knowing this, but I personally find this sadness and persistent emotional distress to be necessary for me because my main philosophy regarding joy in life is that there is salvific value in suffering, and that value brings me closer to understanding God, which then gives me some assurances of peace in eternity which themselves act as temporary periods of mortal peace during my prayers with Him, and that's enough to keep me going.

Now, enough about me, for in those long-winded three paragraphs did I want to give attention and sympathy to the fact that your feelings must clearly be very excruciating, for my experience has been terrible while yours, as far as I can imagine, multiplies such suffering tenfold. Because of my inexperienced life, all that I can really tell you are kind words rather than words of real wisdom. In your other reply, you specifically emphasized that "being a virgin in your 20s is pathetic," and that you're therefore pathetic. No matter the differences you and I likely have in our religious or philosophical opinions, I think we both share the belief that the manmade world is evil, and that its evil is proven by such symptoms as its unfairness to many in these struggles like romance. The belief I don't think we share, however, is if there is value beyond the manmade world (beyond modern society, which is what deems your situation as pathetic), for that is much more subjective.

I think that there is more value in this mortal existence than civilization itself. My hope is that, if you would like to recover, that you will eventually find peace in this existence by discovering a way (a lifestyle, a belief, any such "way") to rid yourself of that anhedonia without CTBing, so I will pray for you tonight that you're able to do that. Otherwise, you'll nonetheless have my prayer if you decide to go through with that option.

Appreciate the kind words and the prayer. Unfortunately I'm not particularly religious so I can't make a monastic life work with my headspace. I feel like I'm at an amusement park where I'm only allowed to ride the same little kid ladybug ride over and over while everyone else experiences the whole amusement park. And I don't feel guilt for being envious. I think I honestly could have had a chance before dating apps ruined everything.i was dealt an unfair hand and I have every right to be indignant.
I don't really want to help the world or other people much either. I've become a misanthropic libertine and live off scheduenfreude of people who have more than me losing it, like losing their spouse or kid. Since I'll never have one.
I feel like the family system should have been pushed more, it's the only reason to care about life or others or morals. Because I'll never have kids, i don't want schools to get any public funding at all. Because I'll never have sex, i wish birth control and abortion were illegal.

I don't let my bitterness show through but I don't have to interact with people much thankfully since I spend my time rotting in my basement making offensive art projects/drawings/songs. It's not as fun as it used to be though. Without a partner it doesn't feel like giving %100 is possible.

I don't know. I still hope i don't wake up tomorrow. If I could just naturally die then I could go without upsetting my parents as much.

What makes it more complicated is i know after scaring my ex with drunken rants and pushing her away I deserve to CTB but just don't want to upset my parents. And my exe's last words to me were to never give up.

 

[thatonegirl]

The difference between life with and without a romantic relationship is like night and day. Mine was long distance too and we only got to meet in person for a very short time. It's been three years since I've talked to her and I don't feel the least bit better. I regret everything and wish I could start over but I can't.
I also only got the relationship as a fluke and am too ugly, short and autistic to ever have another relationship. Swipe apps are all appearance based and every meet up or group i go to is way older people and mostly men.
I don't care about my passions and hobbies anymore, all I want is a girlfriend but I'll never have one again. But killing myself would destroy my parents. I wish they just understood how CTB is the right choice for me. I would be less embarrassed to have a dead son than a 28 year old virgin who has no ambition and hates life. I have almost no interest in platonic relationships anymore either
I'm posting in recovery because I'm looking to be -genuinely- convinced I'm wrong, and shouldn't do it. I don't want to leave without trying everything. Despite this i already have everything planned out and a deadline set. Please let me know if I am breaking the rules.
The fact that's hardest to argue with is that I won't be around to process my family's reactions or anything at all after death and so I wouldn't have to worry about it after.
That's also what makes wanting to stay alive challenging because dreamless eternal sleep sounds better than life as 28, 29, 30 year old virgin with no one to hold at night after a bad day.
I feel so much anhedonia even when doing hobbies I used to love. I used to draw and have lost my ability. I can't lift as much as I used to because I don't have enough energy. I can't bring myself to play guitar because my music will never be finished because I'm too scared to record vocals.

Anyone who has experienced The suicide death of another who did have hope they just didn't see, please share if you are comfortable.

If this isn't appropriate for recovery please move it to another section if possible. I really want to hear what people have to say. I'm totally ready to die internally but squeamish about the emotional pain I will inflict; and the panic of searching for my body, and the disappointment and despair when I'm found gone. I can't leave a note because it would make it easier to find me in time but everyone knows why I want to ctb anyways. They just think my romantic luck will change because they're from another era before dating apps when I know it won't and haven't found a way to cope with that and probably never will.

Anyone who's ever had to identify a loved one's body would be welcome too. I also want to hear from people who lost others but understand why they ctb and respect their choice

There's not an easy, overnight solution that will turn your life into something you're excited to live, but it can be done. And if there's even a little part of you that wants to live, then I absolutely think it's worth trying. That is your spirit telling you it hasn't been fully broken.

For me, moving past this stage really required taking the community out of the equation in my head. I wasn't thinking about living for other peoples' sake at all, even though that was also part of what stopped me. I just thought about me. I'm the only one in control of this body, the only one who will feel the pain of death or the excitement of life in it. I don't know if this consciousness will extend past this life. I don't have memories of anything prior, so I'm leaning toward "no." So that means if I ever want to feel good, this is my one chance to do it. Do I really care if the people around me have bad things to say? The world won't even remember us in 100 years. Fuck em all, I'm going to keep living and I'm gonna enjoy it.

Then comes the work on the actual issues.

First, I'd look at the relationship as a "later on" goal. Think about yourself getting into a relationship: Do you want to be with someone who is teetering on the edge of ending their own life? No, that would be terrifying. You have to get out of this funk before expecting another person to begin depending on you like that. It's the only way to be fair with the other person. Yes they can comfort you when you feel down again in the future, but that shouldn't be happening from day 1, you know? You need to build trust and confidence with each other first; fully understand each other. So that leaves the other parts of your life as the things that you really need to work on now.

As for building confidence and restoring hobby enjoyment, do you have a way to get around your city? There's an app called MeetUp where people post public events for certain interests. Writing groups, hiking groups, book clubs, chess clubs, game groups, poetry readings, recreational sports... I mean literally anything you can think of it's on there. And if you can't or would rather not do in-person meetings, a lot of groups meet online now too. It'll say on the listing. It's a great way to talk to new people, present a confident version of yourself, and get back into something you used to enjoy or even try something new.

The thing with most of this stuff is that you'll realize it's not particularly hard to do, what's hard is making yourself do it and giving it your best shot. If the first attempt at putting yourself out there more is a bust, just try again. You can try as many times as you need to, and eventually you'll find people who like you. Your enjoyment of life is the only thing you're chasing here.

I don't really want to help the world or other people much either. I've become a misanthropic libertine and live off scheduenfreude of people who have more than me losing it, like losing their spouse or kid. Since I'll never have one.
I feel like the family system should have been pushed more, it's the only reason to care about life or others or morals. Because I'll never have kids, i don't want schools to get any public funding at all. Because I'll never have sex, i wish birth control and abortion were illegal.

This is also definitely an issue. This manner of thinking actually harms you more than you realize. You carrying this bitterness toward others will not make you happy; it's having the opposite effect. It makes you more miserable every time you see someone with the life you want.

This is easier said than done, but pick someone who has what you want and try to genuinely be happy for them. Don't see that image of you with that life as impossible, see it as your future. Tell yourself that will be you one day. This will have to be a very purposeful practice on your part, because that bitterness will take time to ease up. But it will if you keep doing this. Pick someone famous that you admire if you have to, so that it feels less personal. It's a starting point.

Saving this for last because if you live in the USA, I know this can be tricky: Have you gone to a psychiatrist or tried therapy? If either one is a possibility, I highly recommend it. Even if you don't need to be on meds permanently, a temporary antidepressant can be enough to kickstart recovery. Finding a therapist you trust would also be a huge help, because you can share your issues with them as well as your recovery plans, and they can keep you accountable as well as help you navigate the harder parts.

There are also recovery partners in this forum! Obviously they can't help quite as much as a therapist and you can't trauma dump on them like you can a therapist, so they're not a replacement at all. But it can be good to have someone who understands to check in with as you recover.

 

[decafcheeseburger]

I also feel like I won't be able to meet anyone anymore. Although it isn't on the top of the list when it comes to wanting to ctb.

However, I'm really sure that your parents would definitely want you around regardless of you being a virgin or not.

 

[unloveable27]

There's not an easy, overnight solution that will turn your life into something you're excited to live, but it can be done. And if there's even a little part of you that wants to live, then I absolutely think it's worth trying. That is your spirit telling you it hasn't been fully broken.

For me, moving past this stage really required taking the community out of the equation in my head. I wasn't thinking about living for other peoples' sake at all, even though that was also part of what stopped me. I just thought about me. I'm the only one in control of this body, the only one who will feel the pain of death or the excitement of life in it. I don't know if this consciousness will extend past this life. I don't have memories of anything prior, so I'm leaning toward "no." So that means if I ever want to feel good, this is my one chance to do it. Do I really care if the people around me have bad things to say? The world won't even remember us in 100 years. Fuck em all, I'm going to keep living and I'm gonna enjoy it.

Then comes the work on the actual issues.

First, I'd look at the relationship as a "later on" goal. Think about yourself getting into a relationship: Do you want to be with someone who is teetering on the edge of ending their own life? No, that would be terrifying. You have to get out of this funk before expecting another person to begin depending on you like that. It's the only way to be fair with the other person. Yes they can comfort you when you feel down again in the future, but that shouldn't be happening from day 1, you know? You need to build trust and confidence with each other first; fully understand each other. So that leaves the other parts of your life as the things that you really need to work on now.

As for building confidence and restoring hobby enjoyment, do you have a way to get around your city? There's an app called MeetUp where people post public events for certain interests. Writing groups, hiking groups, book clubs, chess clubs, game groups, poetry readings, recreational sports... I mean literally anything you can think of it's on there. And if you can't or would rather not do in-person meetings, a lot of groups meet online now too. It'll say on the listing. It's a great way to talk to new people, present a confident version of yourself, and get back into something you used to enjoy or even try something new.

The thing with most of this stuff is that you'll realize it's not particularly hard to do, what's hard is making yourself do it and giving it your best shot. If the first attempt at putting yourself out there more is a bust, just try again. You can try as many times as you need to, and eventually you'll find people who like you. Your enjoyment of life is the only thing you're chasing here.



This is also definitely an issue. This manner of thinking actually harms you more than you realize. You carrying this bitterness toward others will not make you happy; it's having the opposite effect. It makes you more miserable every time you see someone with the life you want.

This is easier said than done, but pick someone who has what you want and try to genuinely be happy for them. Don't see that image of you with that life as impossible, see it as your future. Tell yourself that will be you one day. This will have to be a very purposeful practice on your part, because that bitterness will take time to ease up. But it will if you keep doing this. Pick someone famous that you admire if you have to, so that it feels less personal. It's a starting point.

Saving this for last because if you live in the USA, I know this can be tricky: Have you gone to a psychiatrist or tried therapy? If either one is a possibility, I highly recommend it. Even if you don't need to be on meds permanently, a temporary antidepressant can be enough to kickstart recovery. Finding a therapist you trust would also be a huge help, because you can share your issues with them as well as your recovery plans, and they can keep you accountable as well as help you navigate the harder parts.

There are also recovery partners in this forum! Obviously they can't help quite as much as a therapist and you can't trauma dump on them like you can a therapist, so they're not a replacement at all. But it can be good to have someone who understands to check in with as you recover.

Thank you for the long reply
I really liked this quote "The world won't even remember us in 100 years. Fuck em all, I'm going to keep living and I'm gonna enjoy it." I've heard it before and even been annoyed by it but it makes more sense to me lately. It's just so easy to keep punishing yourself and that stops the learning and healing even if it feels (and is in some cases) deserved.
Meet up groups and other things tend to be other guys in my experience or much older people though I've only tried a few.

I do see a psychiatrist and therapist and the pills help for a short time but don't last enough and therapy has been helpful in a band aid kind of way.

I can't help but feel bitter. I do think I've been cheated by doctors and dating and life and it's unfair even if losing my ex was my fault, I also had chronic pain doctors were being lazy about in the worst possible areas. I haven't drank since last April but I had to drink to tolerate the pain and my parents never really understood how bad it was until it was over and they saw the change.

The only other thing that could change is getting a girlfriend. I know not to make the same mistakes now. The problem is my most unattractive features (height, autism, ugly face) are what determine my weight first and foremost in the dating market. I can't compete with 10+ other better looking guys with actual experience. I'm not a misogynist because guys would be exactly the same if the roles were reversed but it's kind of the elephant in the room when people talk about the male loneliness epidemic, most girls use their phones now and get to pick from the best of the best due to the algorithm. There's no way for guys like me to commit. I'm not artistically talented enough anymore to be loved because I lost my drawing ability to burnout and depression. I'm trying to work on music now but that has its own obstacles

I also feel like I won't be able to meet anyone anymore. Although it isn't on the top of the list when it comes to wanting to ctb.

However, I'm really sure that your parents would definitely want you around regardless of you being a virgin or not.

I feel like i would be embarrassed to have a 28 year old virgin as a son. I'm more embarrassed being one. I imagine they're disappointed how I turned out without showing it and probably denying it to themselves.
I've lost passion for most of my hobbies and can't replicate the work I used to be able to do so I'm basically a cellar dwelling dweeb working on projects he won't ever finish
The memories and regrets still haunt me. I could have had a perfect life with the perfect girlfriend if I'd just never drank, I never would've ranted like that.
I can't imagine living with these memories ringing in my head. I can't be happy or have fun anymore. I don't deserve to

 

[YourLocalSadGirly]

I'm going to be honest here it's definitely possible for you to get a girlfriend, but also that shouldn't be the end all, be all of your life. It's hard being alone, I understand that very well. It's also hard feeling like you're unlovable, I understand that as well. But you don't need a girlfriend specifically to fill those needs in your life. Find a friend that you can be honest with about your mental health, it will do wonders for you.

However I do understand the hangup on wanting a romantic partner. I will tell you though you're not going to get anywhere if you don't try. I always thought that I was unlovable and that I'd never find anyone but low and behold after like 2 months on hinge I found the love of my life. I won't lie to you and say that having a girlfriend didn't magically make me want to live because it actually did in my case. What I will say is that I was incredibly lucky and that you shouldn't expect every girl you meet to magically fix your life. In my opinion it takes a very special kind of person to make you want to completely turn your life around and that person doesn't necessarily have to be a romantic partner either.

In terms of dating advice I'd would say you have to do the bare minimum to improve yourself for people to see that you're worth being with. I think someone else who is also mentally ill will understand the situation you're in but they won't want to stay with you if you don't show any desire to improve. Also men always seem to struggle with this one: don't focus so much on sex!!! Sex is not going to fix your life. Sex is not going to make you happy. Sex is not all it's cracked up to be to be perfectly honest. Again I won't lie and tell you that there's no social stigma around being a virgin but the more you focus on it the unhappier it will make you and it will also hinder your attempts at finding genuine connection.

Last thing, if you ever do get a girlfriend and recover, make sure not to base your entire life and recovery around her. For example: don't get a job only to support her, do it because you want it for yourself. If anything goes wrong you will go back to square one and you will feel worse. Trust me on this one.

Anyway sorry for the long reply and I hope you're able to find the girl of your dreams <3.

 

[hurb]

if this helps , ur looks dont rly matter cause at this point everyone is lonely and struggles to make any kind of meaningful rss. like unless u r extremely social we all have the same odds lmao.
so not being able to figure out a way to find a partner is not a u problem, rather this generation's problem;
now bout sex , i have a friend thats very obsessed with the idea of sex , but its not because he is a pervert or whatever its simply because its smthg that everyone around him experienced and he never got to. my advice is to look for some sort of a hookup or a sex worker. once u have it ,it will stop being an urge u r obsessed with.
u will start to realise that what u r looking for is actual human connection