Venting How many failed attempts have you had?

[BrainSplatter]

I've failed CTB countless times it's just embarrassing now like why is it so difficult for me. It's simple when you think about it yet I've never achieved it. I haven't attempted in years now people think I'm 'stable' now but the truth is I'm not failing again I will succeed this time and I'm planning it thoroughly everything needs to be perfect. I feel like a lot of my attempts weren't really true attempts like because of my BPD I'll act on impulse it's not always with suicide intent or maybe it is I just want to stop the intense emotional pain I'm experiencing and CTB is the only way to do that. I feel like a laughing stock because I've been unable to successfully CTB no one understands my pain and they think I'm just an attention seeker it's belittling just because I have BPD that's not it at all like strange way attempting to take my life or self harming brings me short term relief or comfort and I'll feel better again and want to live again. I think it comes from being abused so much I don't know how to control or regulate my emotions the only way I know how is to harm myself but that's no way to live is it? I feel numb to the world then extremely euphoric like I can achieve anything then suicidal or so depressed this is how things are for me daily I have thoughts to hang myself jump in the river take a overdose it's constant and I can't take it anymore I wish I could live normally but I can't I'm far too damaged this is no life for anyone. I need to succeed my pain needs to end I want peace but a part of me still believes I could recover I need that part of me to die because I'm continuing to allow myself to suffer. I still am holding onto this string of hope that things could change or get better for me but from my experiences and my history I don't believe this is possible it's more of a fantasy scenario like miraculously I'm cured I'm happy with my child and I become this amazing person who's out there helping others saving them from abuse or pain. I've felt like this since I was a child it was my way of escaping my pain I'll imagine that someone will come to take me away from all this abuse and save me but that never happened. I'm not getting better BPD is for life it's not something that can be cured or corrected things have only gotten worse it's like I was born just to be raped and abused again and again. I know I'll succeed in CTB one day like it's inevitable but my thought process needs to change there's many barriers I have stopping me and I need to get rid of them first.

 

[Terrible_Life]

None because i was always too afraid whenever i got near the set up or looking down from the 10th floor balcony….but now i feel like enough is enough and i will attempt. I think i'll die with my attempt. I tested absolutely everything and nobody will interrupt me. I'll do full hanging. I think I maybe just saw one or two posts here from people who did full hanging and they really hang fully but they survived fot different reasons. Rope broken or I remember one guy mentioning he wouldn't get unconscious.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

0. I really don't want a failed attempt. That said the only guarantee is a gun (close enough), which I don't have, and a big jump, which I know I cannot do. There are crazy high bridges within a day's drive but I would piss myself and probably faint before I got over the rail.

Plan now is to hang myself. If I can ease into partial without exploding-head I think I can do it.

Problem is, I'm so weak in my depression right now. "Go to sleep and don't wake up" is the only plan I have the willpower for, and where is my miracle drug?

 

[Feux]

I kept making these shitty attempts as a kid, trying to overdose on pills that were extremely unlikely to kill me over and over again. I was an idiot, but still completely serious about dying. My most recent attempt was the only one that was serious enough it made me end up in the ICU.

 

[FuneralCry]

I haven't properly as I'm so cruelly denied the option to cease existing painlessly like falling into an eternal dreamless sleep to escape from this futile, torturous existence I always saw as a mistake, what I'd fear is trying to cease existing going wrong and leading to way worse suffering and torture in this existence where there is no limit as to how much one can suffer, all I want is to be gone, I just want to never exist again, I just always suffer from existing in this horrific anti-suicide world where painless, guaranteed death is denied for me.

 

[BrainSplatter]

I kept making these shitty attempts as a kid, trying to overdose on pills that were extremely unlikely to kill me over and over again. I was an idiot, but still completely serious about dying. My most recent attempt was the only one that was serious enough it made me end up in the ICU.

Yeah same here like my first OD was pathetic I was 14 had no idea what I was doing I just stole some of my grandmas meds I knew she was on some serious medication - warfarin but I was rushing trying not to get caught I thought that's what I took but it ended up being something else I think methocarbamol nothing happened but I was serious about wanting to die. Over the years I've taken more and more ODs of OTC drugs like Paracetamol. So in the UK you're limited to buying 2 packets at a time so I started with just 2x 16 and with every OD the amount increases I'd go into countless shops the most I've taken is 200 tablets and 30 diazepam too with vodka cocaine and other drugs because I'm a addict. I was in hospital for days I remember the horrific pain -100/10 definitely not something I'll attempt again I was still conscious when they found me but they broke my door off to get in. I don't remember much else just lots of vomiting and waking up in a hospital bed I wasn't able to control my arms or limbs they were moving on their own in weird ways and my neck felt so stiff and horrible the doctors came rushing over even after the treatment I was getting severe reactions. I remember they called my family to come who were miles away and the doctor said how I'm lucky to not have any liver damage he seemed somewhat astounded and also said paracetamol OD is slow and painful this isn't a good death for anyone and that stuck with me. I feel like after taking so many ODs like my body has become more resilient and somehow my liver function is ok there's no damage, it knows it can survive because it has before or maybe it's because I'm a addict too but any drug I use I need a higher dose than most or it has little to no effect whenever I've been in a psychotic state this has also been the case I need 2-3 IV injections to calm down when the average person 1 dose is enough. I've also taken like 10 boxes of diazepam so 280 pills I survived I just was unconscious for idk how long and given IV treatment stomach pumped maybe? idk but I was fine I thought it would of been enough turns out only the lethality rate is only like 5% for ODs why didn't I think to research this before silly me and for diazepam it's in the 10000s for lethality rate that's what I read on here the other day which is insane I guess you'd black out before you could take anymore kinda what happened to me

0. I really don't want a failed attempt. That said the only guarantee is a gun (close enough), which I don't have, and a big jump, which I know I cannot do. There are crazy high bridges within a day's drive but I would piss myself and probably faint before I got over the rail.

Plan now is to hang myself. If I can ease into partial without exploding-head I think I can do it.

Problem is, I'm so weak in my depression right now. "Go to sleep and don't wake up" is the only plan I have the willpower for, and where is my miracle drug?

I feel you there like I have no strength or willpower for anything I want to die so bad but yet it seems like an impossible task I don't even have the strength to get out of bed most days wash clean eat drink water I can't even meet my basic human needs what makes dying any easier I hope I'll find some motivation soon like dying being free of this pain should be enough I'm just here suffering unable to do anything about it and I guess that's depression.

 

[DeniedPeace]

As of time of writing votes are roughly 60% for 0 or 1, so I attempted more than most people here.
Nothing else motivates me other than CTB, so I just keep trying, searching how to beat my SI and finally win this battle for good.

 

[madameviolette]

I never attempted. Never thought I would kill myself one day. I don't even want to kill myself or die tbh. I just don't have any other choice. I loved my life before I was injured. I have no reasons to die other than being sick because of prescribed meds and nerve damage. My first attempt will have to be the first and the last one. There is no way I'm spending the rest of my life in a worse situation so I'll make sure it's as lethal as possible

I don't want anything to do with the medical industry again

 

[Marbas]

I can't really even remember anymore. I had so many attempts over the years, especially during my teenage years when I kept OD'ing on the different pills my psychiatrist put me on. My thoughts were if I take a crap ton hopefully it would kill me. I also tried the slit wrists route in my early 20s which I failed at doing that too. I didn't do any research back then. I just wanted to die and just did stuff and hoped it would work.

 

[barelyholdingon]

Two. One when I was around 8 drinking pool chemicals and another last year where I drove my van off a 15 foot cliff going 75mph

 

[Square]

I tried 5 times in one month but I didn't get any damage from it; so I decide I needed a better plan so I made one that should have a success rate of at least 99% but will need lots of patience. I've waited 3 months so far and I think I won't be able to do it until April 2026 at the earliest and September 2027 at the latest.

 

[Blueberry Panic]

63

 

[dontwakemeup]

I have 3 failed attempts. For anyone who have failed an attempt, waking up alive is a horrible experience and feeling! I never want to feel that again. I'm done trying. I'm just waiting for my natural death.

 

[maketner]

63

What has happened that you have failed, may I ask?

 

[littlecutecorpse]

just once while i was still a minor, but it was by OD'ing on ibuprofen (30-40 pills) and keppra (20) and that was done on impulse. did nothing but made me feel drunk and everso slightly nauseous. gave me a free ticket to the ward too, so that was fun....

hopefully i can succeed the next time when my plan is set up so that i don't end up making a fool out of myself again like last time, but even then i could just be unlucky and end up with crippling brain damage. it's an unfortunate world we live in i suppose :/

 

[Blueberry Panic]

What has happened that you have failed, may I ask?

I've been saved so many times , sometimes my attempts aren't enough and sometimes they are but I'm found....

 

[maketner]

I've been saved so many times , sometimes my attempts aren't enough and sometimes they are but I'm found....

Ugh :/

 

[Blueberry Panic]

Ugh :/

I've hung myself a lot, bled out once,oded several times, poisoned myself a lot, and electrocuted myself... I've given myself irreversible brain damage and it doesn't help that I've given myself a life time worth of trauma...

I just hope one day I do die and my misery can fucking end

 

[bleedxi]

Two. One when I was around 8 drinking pool chemicals and another last year where I drove my van off a 15 foot cliff going 75mph

holy fuck, what was the aftermath of driving off a cliff like??

 

[badatparties]

Zero. I don't plan on fucking around and my first attempt will be the last thing i ever do. CTB is not something to play around with.

 

[NeverHis]

I don't know.
I did many attempts as a stupid teen, just taking what I could find. What they put me on, what my mom was on for her pain etc. No research, just hoping something would work.
Then I got more serious about research, and stopped for a while because I realised how difficult succeeding was. But still, there was desperate attempts, some of which permanently damaged me.
I've even tried via yogic breathwork out of sheer desperation.
And this spring, I tried Partial Suspension so many times I lost count. Every time I had some hours alone, I tried. But it seems that's not the method that's gonna suceed for me.

My best bet sadly still seems to be yogic breathwork, because everything is so restricted.

 

[Dark Mood]

Three serious ones and two impulsive ones which couldn't work. My serious ones were once partial hanging (I panicked and stopped the attempt short before blacking out), and two by Heroine overdose. In both attempts I was found because I made loud noises

 

[Forveleth]

I have lost count of how many times I have failed but most of my attempts were half-hearted to begin. I have had about a dozen semi-serious attempts and two actually serious attempts. Interpret how you will.

 

[Macedonian1987]

I have zero attempts. I want to be successful on my first attempt. I want to leave this world in which I never belonged permanently and successfully.

 

[FrustratedGirl]

It's so frustrating. Only this year I have 22 attempts, 18 this month. All together I am at about 30. 28 last and this year and 2 in 2018, when I was still a teen (16 yo). But as my will to die is getting stronger and stronger I am trying it more often. I just want to be dead, why can't I do it???

 

[kopebaldy]

Idk if they count as attempts.

Two times I had prepared everything but pussied out at the last minute.

 

[Dark Moon]

Two attempts, the first one I didn't do it properly, the second I really tried but I survived it.

 

[Wishingforadream]

Twice

The first when I jumped in front of a car when I was around 10-11
The second a few months ago when I impulsively overdosed on some random medication, ending up in the hospital

 

[iridescence]

I guess I can say that I have many attempts — the intent to die was there, I truly, fully believed I could, though most were stupid as hell because of age and/or lack of research. Started at the age of six with holding my breath, attempting to starve myself. Obviously wouldn't have worked but I didn't know that at the time. Tried to run in front of a car in those years, too, but someone held me back. Lots of pathetic prescription or OTC ODs as a teenager, a few hanging attempts, though the rope always fell/snapped because I had no proper anchor point. Bleeding out, but only ever got to the point of passing out. My more serious attempts have been in the past few years—so, only counting that, I would have around five.

 

[dajana]

Es nekad nemēģināju. Nekad nedomāju, ka kādu dienu izdarīšu pašnāvību. Es pat negribu izdarīt pašnāvību vai mirt, godīgi sakot. Man vienkārši nav citas izvēles. Es mīlēju savu dzīvi pirms traumas. Man nav citu iemeslu mirt, kā vien slimošana izrakstīto zāļu un nervu bojājumu dēļ. Manam pirmajam mēģinājumam jābūt pirmajam un pēdējam. Nekādā gadījumā es nepavadīšu atlikušo mūžu vēl sliktākā situācijā, tāpēc es pārliecināšos, ka tas ir pēc iespējas bīstamāk.

Es vairs nevēlos nekādu saistību ar medicīnas nozari.

Es
arī pirms diviem gadiem mīlēju dzīvi, bet tagad jūtos sakropļota un vienkārši nevaru tā dzīvot. Neviens nevar man palīdzēt, un arī es pats sev nevaru palīdzēt. Es vēlos tikai šo vienu izeju, bet es vēlos, lai tā būtu bez kļūdām, lai rezultāts būtu 100% drošs — un es nevaru atrast šādu garantiju. Tāpēc es nonācu šeit, bet joprojām nevaru atrast pareizās atbildes."