Pryras
Last hope
- Feb 11, 2020
- 621
How do radically accept your situation and circumstances? How do you accept that you don't have the life you want and live with that?
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I am at this point right now. I don't think we are supposed to accept it. I think we are supposed to make small changes and one day these small changes become radical changes.
If we don't make any changes we continue to suffer as is. It's some kind of paradox.
I have not made any changes and I continue to suffer. Change is scary and stagnation with all it's suffering is comfortable.
If we don't make any changes we continue to suffer as is. It's some kind of paradox.
I have not made any changes and I continue to suffer. Change is scary and stagnation with all it's suffering is comfortable.
fallingtopieces
Warlock
- May 6, 2024
- 720
i have not yet been able to find this, and i have thought about it. i know that truly mourning what's lost is vital, and that forgiveness is part of that. and that life must shift to what one can do, instead of being stuck on what we cannot. the need to extricate ourselves from all the outside noise that subtly and not so subtly tells us what life should be, especially what things we must obtain or accumulate, and to be aware of the historical pressures/moulds placed on us as well.
2messdup
Enlightened
- Feb 10, 2024
- 1,308
Practice. Sounds like you know about DBT, in which case you know that Radical Acceptance doesn't mean you approve of those things. It means you accept them so that you don't add to your suffering by fighting the facts. That said, it doesn't mean you have to give up if there is any possibility of change that you would be willing to do. Then it's Radical Acceptance that that is how things are now. Practice Radical Acceptance on smaller things until you're able to use it on progressively bigger things. Apologies if you weren't looking for DBT support x
LigottiIsRight
Life is not worth beginning.
- Jan 28, 2025
- 100
Seems that I don't fully accept I'm no longer the person I used to be, the capacities I've lost, although it's been more than four years. No matter what daily reality shows me, I don't lose what could be a residual hope of being back on track again.
Blue Dream
Student
- Sep 26, 2024
- 134
If you believe in fate it's easy to convince yourself you are where you are supposed to be, as you're supposed to live.
If you don't, keep in mind the mental resources you invest on pining for that ideal life are robbed from your "Now". You live in a lie at the expense of your present, ongoing life you actually can interact with and change.
I always find that very difficult too. So far, I've tried googling the term and listening to videos about it. Briefly pause and feel the feeling that is there and allow and name it in the sense of "aha, there is sadness/anxiety", where do I feel it in my body, what is my breath doing, and tell myself that it is okay to have this feeling right now. I think practicing gratitude could also help. But yes, I find it difficult too. But I think it's a very important point for me to practice radical acceptance. Thank you for the topic. I'm curious to see what others write.
That's a good question and I don't have an answer to it. Our personal situations are probably very different but I can say that I don't have the life I want to have. Yet I don't want to put the effort into a recovery bc I don't have the energy for it anyway. Imo it can only be a process to find a bottom and then improve from there step by step according to our abilities.
I lost my life (the dream of my life) completely around the time when I made my account here. Nearly 2 years later I adjusted to my new life over time - it's not the life I want but it's also not that bad - that's my experience. It's a process.
I lost my life (the dream of my life) completely around the time when I made my account here. Nearly 2 years later I adjusted to my new life over time - it's not the life I want but it's also not that bad - that's my experience. It's a process.
Personally, I've settled in life to some extent. I worked out that my ultimate dream of climbing to the pinnacle job position in my industry (which was my ultimate dream,) was highly unlikely for someone with my limited talent and skill level.
Weirdly/ remarkably, more recently, a job like it seemed as if it had the potential to come my way. It kind of surprised me that I wasn't more excited about it though. I suppose in part, it's because realistically, it's unlikely I'd get it, so I try not to get my hopes up prematurely now over things.
The realism of life has also become apparent though, the older I've gotten. Jobs that sounded impressive and a step up turned out only to be stressful and exploitative. I know for a fact that the kinds of jobs I once thought I wanted can involve 16 hour days and, in the words of someone with a great deal of experience in the industry: 'Being treated like cattle'. Why would I want that?!!
I've already made huge sacrifices and effort towards my career which, while I don't exactly regret, weren't exactly worth it either. So- that just puts me off either making the same sacrifices and effort over and over. Or, even actually wanting those things to begin with. Knowing that: 'All that glitters isn't necessarily gold.'
I think a sense of reality. In terms of my reality. I don't enjoy working with others. My social anxiety and lack of confidence makes the experience terrible means I know a lot of things I would likely end up hating.
I think the whole: 'Know thyself' comes in handy. So- looking at your dreams but through a realistic lense. Will it really make me happy to have to follow the course needed to achieve those dreams? Obviously, there's a reason we're not achieving them. Are the negatives stronger than the positives? In which case, is there a lower level we can become comfortable settling at?
A similar approach goes towards my romantic hopes. I wanted a partner when I was younger. I went through a few bouts of limerence. (Crazy crushes on guys.) I had the sense to realise they'd never like me back though. Or, that we weren't well matched for things to work. So, I finally managed to recognise my limerent tendancies and get them under control.
Simultaneously, I thought about it realistically. What was I really missing out on? Was it really so bad on my own? (No.) Was I even all that envious of couples? (No- they just seem to bicker a whole lot of the time.) I began to really appreciate being single and feeling relieved that I didn't have all the negative sides to relationships to deal with. Also realising that my ideas around love were extremely fairy tale.
Plus, there's something incredibly liberating about letting go of ambitions that simply torment us. It can feel so calming to let all that deep longing and sense of failure go.
Ultimately though, I think it's about figuring out what makes you the most content in life. Also recognising that some negatives usually come along with the positives and in some cases, those negatives might be enough to put us off what we think we want.
Weirdly/ remarkably, more recently, a job like it seemed as if it had the potential to come my way. It kind of surprised me that I wasn't more excited about it though. I suppose in part, it's because realistically, it's unlikely I'd get it, so I try not to get my hopes up prematurely now over things.
The realism of life has also become apparent though, the older I've gotten. Jobs that sounded impressive and a step up turned out only to be stressful and exploitative. I know for a fact that the kinds of jobs I once thought I wanted can involve 16 hour days and, in the words of someone with a great deal of experience in the industry: 'Being treated like cattle'. Why would I want that?!!
I've already made huge sacrifices and effort towards my career which, while I don't exactly regret, weren't exactly worth it either. So- that just puts me off either making the same sacrifices and effort over and over. Or, even actually wanting those things to begin with. Knowing that: 'All that glitters isn't necessarily gold.'
I think a sense of reality. In terms of my reality. I don't enjoy working with others. My social anxiety and lack of confidence makes the experience terrible means I know a lot of things I would likely end up hating.
I think the whole: 'Know thyself' comes in handy. So- looking at your dreams but through a realistic lense. Will it really make me happy to have to follow the course needed to achieve those dreams? Obviously, there's a reason we're not achieving them. Are the negatives stronger than the positives? In which case, is there a lower level we can become comfortable settling at?
A similar approach goes towards my romantic hopes. I wanted a partner when I was younger. I went through a few bouts of limerence. (Crazy crushes on guys.) I had the sense to realise they'd never like me back though. Or, that we weren't well matched for things to work. So, I finally managed to recognise my limerent tendancies and get them under control.
Simultaneously, I thought about it realistically. What was I really missing out on? Was it really so bad on my own? (No.) Was I even all that envious of couples? (No- they just seem to bicker a whole lot of the time.) I began to really appreciate being single and feeling relieved that I didn't have all the negative sides to relationships to deal with. Also realising that my ideas around love were extremely fairy tale.
Plus, there's something incredibly liberating about letting go of ambitions that simply torment us. It can feel so calming to let all that deep longing and sense of failure go.
Ultimately though, I think it's about figuring out what makes you the most content in life. Also recognising that some negatives usually come along with the positives and in some cases, those negatives might be enough to put us off what we think we want.
Pryras
Last hope
- Feb 11, 2020
- 621
Thank you. I don't know if I truly believe in fate but sometimes i want To. Like I lost a dream future with someone based on my actions but something in me feels like I was forced to make a move and destroy it before I waisted potentially decades of my life as a placeholder to someone who was nonchalant to me.
Blue Dream
Student
- Sep 26, 2024
- 134
Whether you were forced or not, it's done and no amount of reflection will change that.
ilvgore
alien
- Jan 7, 2024
- 156
SchrodingerIsDed
Arcanist
- Feb 17, 2025
- 417
So. I think you have to eliminate all possibilities that the life will improve or justify the pain of its existence. So are there any moves you can make that would lead to survival or thriving, even in several years? If so, it's going to be hard to gain acceptance.
If, however, there isn't anything you can do to change your circumstances, then you simply have to let go. The feelings will come back, and you just brush them off again and again, knowing there's nothing for it.
So. Want is one thing. Need is another. I'm sure most people don't have the life they want to have. Most people want all the money, all the hottest people, all the fame, glory, etc. So I think it's also about degree of want. Maybe you can't have that absolute want, but can you have something that substitutes it well enough to justify your existence?
So it boils down to reasoning out what it is you want, how you can't have it, and whether you can have anything comparable and base acceptable. Just follow the rabbit down the logic hole and see if she brings you anything looking like acceptance.
If, however, there isn't anything you can do to change your circumstances, then you simply have to let go. The feelings will come back, and you just brush them off again and again, knowing there's nothing for it.
So. Want is one thing. Need is another. I'm sure most people don't have the life they want to have. Most people want all the money, all the hottest people, all the fame, glory, etc. So I think it's also about degree of want. Maybe you can't have that absolute want, but can you have something that substitutes it well enough to justify your existence?
So it boils down to reasoning out what it is you want, how you can't have it, and whether you can have anything comparable and base acceptable. Just follow the rabbit down the logic hole and see if she brings you anything looking like acceptance.
