
beyondbreath
Member
- Nov 19, 2019
- 32
This thread and my return to this site is triggered by the loss of one of my cats yesterday. I'm a bit unwell at the moment, exhausted headache so please forgive any weirdness typos etc. I lost one cat about two years ago, that was my very first loss of a pet as an adult so was extremely painful. Was from cancer and he was fairly young to die (10). Yesterday, my 17 year old cat had to be put down as it turns out she had a chronic illness that treating it would not be great considering her age and comorbid conditions and she was in crisis so I had to make the horrible decision to put her down. I am so fucking shattered. I still have one cat, and I love her but my heart is just broken so painfully.
All of this is happening on the background of 15+ years of serious mental health issues starting when I was 12. And I did therapy and meds and everything people said I should do and shit still fucking sucks. I try so damn hard every day and every day I feel like a worthless, useless parasite on this planet with no purpose. Without my cats I feel even more worthless, and I love the girl I have right now but my pain is so fucking deep with the loss of my 17 yr old girl yesterday.
Despite feeling like a literal sack of human trash I'm posting in recovery because I don't want to leave my cat because I don't trust others to take care of her. I also believe in Hinduism and really fear being reincarnated and having to relive this pain all over again (in Hinduism if you commit suicide it's a big deal and can result in a bad reincarnation). But this PAIN you guys. I can't stand this pain. This suffering. And I feel utterly worthless as a person, and I hate to say it because it's not who I was and who I want to be but I'm starting to see other people as worthless too and I just don't know what to do. I'm so unhappy. I am so grateful for everything I have and I try to practice active daily gratitude. But I can't pretend that underneath it all, I'm happy. Because I'm not.
All of this is happening on the background of 15+ years of serious mental health issues starting when I was 12. And I did therapy and meds and everything people said I should do and shit still fucking sucks. I try so damn hard every day and every day I feel like a worthless, useless parasite on this planet with no purpose. Without my cats I feel even more worthless, and I love the girl I have right now but my pain is so fucking deep with the loss of my 17 yr old girl yesterday.
Despite feeling like a literal sack of human trash I'm posting in recovery because I don't want to leave my cat because I don't trust others to take care of her. I also believe in Hinduism and really fear being reincarnated and having to relive this pain all over again (in Hinduism if you commit suicide it's a big deal and can result in a bad reincarnation). But this PAIN you guys. I can't stand this pain. This suffering. And I feel utterly worthless as a person, and I hate to say it because it's not who I was and who I want to be but I'm starting to see other people as worthless too and I just don't know what to do. I'm so unhappy. I am so grateful for everything I have and I try to practice active daily gratitude. But I can't pretend that underneath it all, I'm happy. Because I'm not.