Venting here i am again.

[Conflict_]

here i am again. on this site. what has gone wrong? i haven't changed much. last time by some miracle i had overcome all these awful thoughts, some put to the side, stopped caring about invisibility, laughed at my duality, and the irony. with time i started realising i was getting closer to a particularly uncomfortable time of my life. as it inched closer i had done nothing to prepare myself for it. and then it hit. somehow tougher than expected. and with time i've also noticed how much harder it is for me to talk, write. my language skills both native and foreign have deteriorated, at least from my point of view, very noticeably. i've gotten dumber. i had tests, scans done. nothing out of the ordinary. on the tests and scans anyway. i've been feeling worse and worse every day. i might've hit a new low. now i have access to viable methods as well. i don't know why i'm writing this. i feel useless. in my depression off-time i've tried my hand at a few things. returned to some, started some. ones i poured hundreds of hours, others maybe tens. no improvement. i see improvement in nothing i try. somehow i've gotten actively worse at some things. stagnation was pretty much best-case. so useless. at this point not much gives me genuine joy. i find myself doing things i once enjoyed, some even just weeks ago, days ago, and finding no fun in them. i've grown tired of talking to people. it's been a chore. not even people i obsess about. it might be a first. at least in a long time. i've not been finding meaning in any part of life. i turned to dreams to keep me going. and looking at dreams i felt nothing. i asked myself a question: "would I feel alright if I could live like in my dreams?" and the answer was no. not even living out my dreams feels like it could save me from this new deep of possibly depression. been seriously thinking about ctb. i hope this mess of a vent belongs here.

 

[ipmanwc0]

are you under a lot of stress and anxiety? that makes people function really badly. depression does that itself too

 

[Conflict_]

are you under a lot of stress and anxiety? that makes people function really badly. depression does that itself too

i guess so. i feel like i'm being crushed and crying while the button to reverse the press is right beside me, just needing a stretch to reach. absolutely void of motivation. like purposely choosing to be crushed. it's such a disabling feeling. the solution is kind of right there. just reach it. but i'm paralysed. for whatever reason.

 

[ipmanwc0]

I think it might be something other than a lack of motivation. everyone has a motivation to not suffer, it may just be blocked. what do you think the solution is?

 

[Conflict_]

I think it might be something other than a lack of motivation. everyone has a motivation to not suffer, it may just be blocked. what do you think the solution is?

i'm thinking about it now. all i need is a bit of motivation and a small miracle. maybe. just to ease the stress. things have piled up. if i just get it sorted it might be slightly better. not much. even before the actual current stress i was already thinking of ctb regularly. it's confusing when i think about it. i have my feelings set but the causes are all tied up and messy. i can't see it clearly. it's really odd. i don't know.

 

[ipmanwc0]

stressed people don't have motivation. what you need is a break from it, if possible.

 

[Conflict_]

stressed people don't have motivation. what you need is a break from it, if possible.

i had my two weeks of break. tried to clear my mind. some art, some games. just isolation from stress source. didn't help. art made me frustrated which usually doesn't happen. games just stopped being fun near the end of my break. because i started feeling the pressure get stronger. all that's on my mind right now is what may happen in the next few days. it'll be deciding. i'm mentally preparing for the worst. have a rough plan in case the worst happens. if it fails i have ctb left. sorry for phasing through random topics instead of just short answer. hazy thoughts.

 

[ipmanwc0]

it's been really difficult for me to think too. unfortunately it can take a long time to destress, especially if the stressors are in your head and would stay with you during a break. i became a NEET in the last year and a half and it's still not all gone for me, not even close