Has this happened to anyone else? [after surviving an attempt]

[Guy0117]

Ever since I tried and survived my last attempt, my death has been like a drug to me. I have an actual addiction to dying. As soon as I start thinking about it, I just really, really want to do it and could on impulse at any moment. It's like crack. it was way stronger back after I'd just attempted and survived but that's only because I'm distracting myself, I mean I could again at any moment. so I guess it's what I really want. Does anyone relate?

 

[madameviolette]

I heard the same thing from someone else. You get more obsessed with death after each attempt

 

[Guy0117]

Thank you. It's nice to know others experience it too

 

[musingsofaghost]

yeah same thing happened with me. after i failed i actively sought after death, even if the method was nonsensical and had no chance of actually working. i've gotten more rational and less impulsive with time, but that desire is still there. istg its worse than when i was addicted to vaping lol

 

[regentstblue]

yeah this is very relatable. in my case, when things get rough, it's like the default solution to me. i did badly at work? i'm so close to cutting again. i had an argument with someone? i would intrusively think of many ways to off myself. i always feel inferior to things that it made me want to kill myself even for just the smallest inconvenience. it's disturbing how our mind works, especially when you get to experience that life and death situation and you're somehow less afraid to do it again.

 

[amor.dor]

I think we become more open to dying after failing an attempt. I remember being hospitalized when I tried to die—it was a pure impulse, I swore I was really going to die. But after that, I spent days just thinking about my whole life, and I stayed like that for months. But each day, death stopped being a fear and became something more acceptable. Honestly, today I'm calmer and I think a lot about this:

"How easily the stone falls from the hand onto the grave of the suicide, but how difficult was the struggle of the poor person who had made such a good bed for himself.
First he cast a fearful glance at death from a distance and turned away in horror; then, trembling, he walked around him in wide circles; but with every day they became narrower and narrower and at last he wrapped his tired arms around Death's neck and looked into his eyes: and there was peace, sweet peace."
— Mainlander

So I'm preparing well and very calmly this time. There's a girl who said goodbye, and I was really impressed by how well prepared she was.I hope she is at peace.

 

[moonlightbeach]

Not in the way that you are, but similarity from my personal thoughts and feelings like there's finally a way out of my problems. I felt so happy right before my first attempt that failed and i think it reinforced that idea, because when i was scouting the place for the next one I felt extremely happy once again because of freedom, 6 months after the first attempt.

Please be careful if you think your thoughts are malicious

 

[GodzillasBiggestFan]

this happened to me too though i also started getting a lot of anxiety around certain aspects of it

 

[Realog11]

I think we become more open to dying after failing an attempt. I remember being hospitalized when I tried to die—it was a pure impulse, I swore I was really going to die. But after that, I spent days just thinking about my whole life, and I stayed like that for months. But each day, death stopped being a fear and became something more acceptable. Honestly, today I'm calmer and I think a lot about this:

"How easily the stone falls from the hand onto the grave of the suicide, but how difficult was the struggle of the poor person who had made such a good bed for himself.
First he cast a fearful glance at death from a distance and turned away in horror; then, trembling, he walked around him in wide circles; but with every day they became narrower and narrower and at last he wrapped his tired arms around Death's neck and looked into his eyes: and there was peace, sweet peace."
— Mainlander

So I'm preparing well and very calmly this time. There's a girl who said goodbye, and I was really impressed by how well prepared she was.I hope she is at peace.

In the hospital or in this forum? I also became opened to dying over my fail overdose attempt.

 

[amor.dor]

In the hospital or in this forum? I also became opened to dying over my fail overdose attempt.

Both, and I'll explain why. Most people have a romanticized idea of death, but death isn't something beautiful. Those who have been on the brink of death have felt it, not just imagined it. That's why it's common for someone who has attempted suicide to try again more effectively — they lose their fear of death.

 

[praythestars]

I don't feel like I fantasize about it or obsess really. My brain has always latched onto suicide as an option over even mundane things like another poster described. I think for me, after my recent failed attempt, it's more just a relief that it was so easy and would have been successful if not interrupted. I'm not really frightened I made the attempt even though it was completely impulsive and I know now I might be impulsive like that in the future.

If anything I feel a bit surprised by my actions, but not regretful or anything. It's more of a strange sense of peace for me that I hope continues. It's a strange, different kind of dissociation than I'm used to. It's quite pleasant and I'm hesitant to work on it in therapy or take any medication that might take it away from me.

The only downside is having to come up with reasons for my hesitancy after my attempt that will appease my family and friends, as they all obviously want me to "get better" after I've been released from IP. I've managed to convince my spouse for now and my spouse has offered to lie about my "treatment" etc, as they are under the impression I am seeking Spravato. If I do get accepted to try Spravato, I will reassess my position, but as of now I have zero desire to go back on typical medication and I don't really feel that I need it as I'm not even sad anymore anyways. I feel better than I have in a year post-attempt.

 

[InevitableDeath]

Its not obsession, its not romanticizing, its not fantazising, its not addiction.

Its just focus.

Focus on getting it done. That's good, means your brain's not fucking stupid.

There is NO POINT in attempting suicide as a cry for help or cos your mum wouldn't let you stay out late or was mean to you, or your dad took your phone away or any other such self-obsessed, vain, ridiculous bullshit that is everywhere on this website.

Only the sure things - jumping, shotgun etc are the real deal.

All the rest is noise.