Friend recently killed herself.

[takuyablackbox]

Hey guys. This is my first post on this site that's not about myself. Yesterday I found out that a girl I knew had taken her own life. For context, we weren't really close at all, and we weren't friends at the time of their death as for reasons I'll soon discuss. But I've been thinking about it a lot.

I know that she was in immense agony. Her extreme substance abuse as a youth gave her pretty bad heart conditions, and I recall how she would always post about being in constant pain. About six months ago, she got into a lot of controversies in our local "scene" and was being called a Nazi for weird jokes and behaviors she would make, such as liking and reposting Nazi whistleblower content on IG, owning an "ironic" Nazi memorabilia piece (some sort of hat, iirc), and just not taking the situation seriously enough when accused. She wasn't really a Nazi, she was just dumb and chronically online. But because of these things, she essentially got kicked out and I guess was "socially outcast" out of the scene for a lack of better terms. This is when I quietly unfollowed them and cut ties, because after a lot of consideration I didn't like her actions and didn't wanna be involved. But I still have many close friends that were close with her until the end. And I have a handful of fond memories with her, like my very first time doing K with her and some other friends in the back of my moms car lol.

I don't really know why I'm sharing this or what thoughts I wanna make. This is my first time losing someone I knew to suicide. I donated $50 to her gofundme, and the last thing I wanna do is turn the conversation to one about me. But I guess it's been reshaping my perspective on my own suicidal thoughts. She'd probably think what I'm doing right now is corny and dumb lol. And I guess I'm supposed to be sad for her--I'm definitely sad for her family and loved ones. But she's free from agony. She's free from everything. I'm happy she can rest now.

 

[kouna]

How did she CTB?

Are you sure she took her own life? Maybe something else happened?

 

[madameviolette]

Do you remember what kind of heart condition or pain she had ?

 

[Forever Sleep]

Sounds like she had a rough life and was grasping for something to make her feel better. Shame she chose the Nazi's. Do you think it was the (presumed) bullying or angry responses she stired up, that pushed her over the edge, or her health conditions? It's understandable you didn't want to be associated with all that though. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sure it feels very strange.

 

[takuyablackbox]

Do you remember what kind of heart condition or pain she had ?

I don't know what condition it was exactly. I know she'd said that the walls of her heart were extremely weakened, according to her doctor, so if I had to guess, I'd say cardiomyopathy. It lines up with the constant pain and fatigue she went through. Really shitty to think about.

How did she CTB?

Are you sure she took her own life? Maybe something else happened?

I don't know how. And I was told she took her own life from other people who directly knew her. But no, I don't know how and I don't really think it's my business to ask.

 

[dalemar]

I hope she is in peace now, and that she didn't suffer.

 

[takuyablackbox]

Sounds like she had a rough life and was grasping for something to make her feel better. Shame she chose the Nazi's. Do you think it was the (presumed) bullying or angry responses she stired up, that pushed her over the edge, or her health conditions? It's understandable you didn't want to be associated with all that though. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sure it feels very strange.

Thanks, yeah it definitely does feel strange. A factor of those three and many other things I'm sure, but overwhelmingly I'd assume she was pushed over the edge by her health. Every single day she'd post on her story talking about how she was in excruciating pain, I remember seeing how she got drunk nearly every day since it was essentially the only thing that could alleviate it. It's why I'm not necessarily sad for her, she was really in so much agony. It's sad that she had to deal with her mental health during her youth through extreme substance abuse and that it snowballed to such an effect.

In my alternative scene, this has been the third death from suicide in the past 6 months. There's a lot of things you can make from it, but every time it happens it's very surreal. Each loss I'd say is viewed with more understanding, and more acceptance. An overall, lingering melancholy, almost like how it's viewed on this forum, as compared to the sheer tragedy and selfishness that regular society usually portrays on it. I dunno. I've learned that I don't think there's any 'correct' way to feel about it.