Inner
Member
- May 10, 2026
- 14
I had an intensive conversation with my mother about my wellbeing and while I felt better afterwards regarding my point in life, it is the first time in a while I actually have something to look forward to and not feel an overwhelming sense of suicidal ideation.
Moreover, I'm venturing back into one of my most passionate hobbies, music. About a year ago I sold my guitar and equipment, but now I'm getting a setup again. It feels like a part of me has been restored which I find so crucial.
These factors have certainly made life feel a bit better, but at the same time I'm scared. I am scared about going on. Death is inevitable and why don't we just get it over with? While I am making personal victories, leaders and businesses are pushing us ever so forward into a life not worth living.
Feeling better feels like a slap in the face. I have been riding off the back of a depressive episode for about a month or two? In that time I explored my options regarding suicide, and even went as far as making peace with death itself. All of this just for me to not have suicide on my mind? What gives? Am I merely distracting myself or do I truly feel better? I want to sabotage my path even more so I have more of a reason to commit.
It feels like a fight in my head. It just doesn't feel right to not have suicide on my mind and actually make plans for the future. I was so excited about my death season, and to be frank I still am. I just feel like I have responsibilities now. I'll be starting another year of college for nursing in August, I have an instrument to play again, and I'm even considering having a pet soon.
Regardless of what happens, we all eventually succumb to eternal rest.
Moreover, I'm venturing back into one of my most passionate hobbies, music. About a year ago I sold my guitar and equipment, but now I'm getting a setup again. It feels like a part of me has been restored which I find so crucial.
These factors have certainly made life feel a bit better, but at the same time I'm scared. I am scared about going on. Death is inevitable and why don't we just get it over with? While I am making personal victories, leaders and businesses are pushing us ever so forward into a life not worth living.
Feeling better feels like a slap in the face. I have been riding off the back of a depressive episode for about a month or two? In that time I explored my options regarding suicide, and even went as far as making peace with death itself. All of this just for me to not have suicide on my mind? What gives? Am I merely distracting myself or do I truly feel better? I want to sabotage my path even more so I have more of a reason to commit.
It feels like a fight in my head. It just doesn't feel right to not have suicide on my mind and actually make plans for the future. I was so excited about my death season, and to be frank I still am. I just feel like I have responsibilities now. I'll be starting another year of college for nursing in August, I have an instrument to play again, and I'm even considering having a pet soon.
Regardless of what happens, we all eventually succumb to eternal rest.
