Failed attempt

[Porcelaindreamer]

As in the title I failed suicide attempt via jump from the hight. I was almost successful however I made a few mistakes and now I ended disabled and in chronic pain. In hospital I heard that I am a looser , failure , that I should enjoy living as a disabled person because some poeple are more disabled. However what I am trying to say is that the last few month were complete nightmare. At this current point I obviously desire to cbt as fast as possible. I have easy access to SN and there is a high chance I will have also access to N and also to required benzos. However the tragic result of the first attempt grew inside of me a complete lack of self-confidence to the point where while having access to substances I feel as if no matter what I am designed for failure. Additionaly the environment does not help. They are completely ignoring this devastion of my body and telling me that I should pursue some sort of happiness regardless of my state. It is so sickening to hear that. So do you guys think I have a real chance to be successful? Will benzos calm down my anxiety?

 

[knickknack81]

I am very sorry about yr failed attempt and yr current state. That has to be awful. My heart goes out to you. If you dont mind me asking, could you elaborate on mistakes. If you dont want to talk about it, I totally understand. Its just thats a method I have often considered and keep coming back to as I have somewhat decent access to tall buildings/hotels/bridges in the city I live so jumping is more available then most options (relatively). I know overcoming SI is really difficult in this situation but I was wondering if you could go into what else went wrong. If this is too sensitive a topic, I totally understand.

 

[tears and vomit]

Holy shit I'm sorry man and to think the people in the hospital are saying that to you? I know you must be hurting a lot right now :( I don't have much to say but I hope your suffering comes to an end one day

 

[Porcelaindreamer]

I am very sorry about yr failed attempt and yr current state. That has to be awful. My heart goes out to you. If you dont mind me asking, could you elaborate on mistakes. If you dont want to talk about it, I totally understand. Its just thats a method I have often considered and keep coming back to as I have somewhat decent access to tall buildings/hotels/bridges in the city I live so jumping is more available then most options (relatively). I know overcoming SI is really difficult in this situation but I was wondering if you could go into what else went wrong. If this is too sensitive a topic, I totally understand.

So the main point is you must jump.from 10th floor. This the hight were death is guaranteed. Never try lower because there is chance you will end up disabled and with completely devastated body to the unexpected point. Were it is unimaginable to keep living like that. Obviously this is very high so it is terrifying. So second important thing is to be sure that you will land on something hard. You have to be sure that nothing will cushion you. That is why I do not recommend jumping off a bridge. I think it is too low, plus you land on water, and concrete is preferable. Another thing is do it at night so no one will find you quickly and take to the hospital. And it is better to fall on your head than on your butt. However it is not required while jumping from 10th floor. The worse part is to jump. I recommend just to close your eyes and it. I do not remember flight or any pain while crushing.

 

[knickknack81]

So the main point is you must jump.from 10th floor. This the hight were death is guaranteed. Never try lower because there is chance you will end up disabled and with completely devastated body to the unexpected point. Were it is unimaginable to keep living like that. Obviously this is very high so it is terrifying. So second important thing is to be sure that you will land on something hard. You have to be sure that nothing will cushion you. That is why I do not recommend jumping off a bridge. I think it is too low, plus you land on water, and concrete is preferable. Another thing is do it at night so no one will find you quickly and take to the hospital. And it is better to fall on your head than on your butt. However it is not required while jumping from 10th floor. The worse part is to jump. I recommend just to close your eyes and it. I do not remember flight or any pain while crushing.

Thank you for responding. And I am very sorry you in the position you are right now.

 

[Porcelaindreamer]

Holy shit I'm sorry man and to think the people in the hospital are saying that to you? I know you must be hurting a lot right now :( I don't have much to say but I hope your suffering comes to an end one day

Acctually I am not very surprised. Before I decided to jump I was completely aware that we live in kind of cruel society. So people in hospital just proved what I already knew.

 

[Manga]

So the main point is you must jump.from 10th floor. This the hight were death is guaranteed. Never try lower because there is chance you will end up disabled and with completely devastated body to the unexpected point. Were it is unimaginable to keep living like that. Obviously this is very high so it is terrifying. So second important thing is to be sure that you will land on something hard. You have to be sure that nothing will cushion you. That is why I do not recommend jumping off a bridge. I think it is too low, plus you land on water, and concrete is preferable. Another thing is do it at night so no one will find you quickly and take to the hospital. And it is better to fall on your head than on your butt. However it is not required while jumping from 10th floor. The worse part is to jump. I recommend just to close your eyes and it. I do not remember flight or any pain while crushing.

i live on
a building on the 8th floor
im sorry you had to go through this what did you feel like during the jump?
i want to do that but i'm just hesitant like my mind is blocking my movement to do it
when theres no hope left in life
just fantasies which never seem to work out

 

[sweetcreep]

what you went through sounds terrible, i'm so sorry you survived only to be in a worse situation. i always try to dissuade people from jumping because to me it's just too much of a gamble. i can't imagine the pain you delt with and are still dealing with. if my method was jumping and i ended up surviving, i think i would feel the same way you do. surviving an attempt and coming out permanently change for the worse is a huge fear of mine.

you have SN, do the proper research. the only people who have failed from SN failed because they didn't do it correctly or were found very soon after ingesting it. my method is SN because it's rather fool proofed, and i do be a bit of a fool~

 

[knickknack81]

what you went through sounds terrible, i'm so sorry you survived only to be in a worse situation. i always try to dissuade people from jumping because to me it's just too much of a gamble. i can't imagine the pain you delt with and are still dealing with. if my method was jumping and i ended up surviving, i think i would feel the same way you do. surviving an attempt and coming out permanently change for the worse is a huge fear of mine.

you have SN, do the proper research. the only people who have failed from SN failed because they didn't do it correctly or were found very soon after ingesting it. my method is SN because it's rather fool proofed, and i do be a bit of a fool~

I think this is why a lot of people dont consider jumping a prime method of CTB. I think the issue is depending on where you live, methods like guns and SN are more readily available than they in other places. I happen to live in a place where they are not easy to get a hold of. And OD'ing is also a very risky method that can go wrong and do damage to yr body. So hanging and jumping (off a building or into a train) are really the only options you have. and yes, there are risks involved but you could say that about all of them. It's a shame there isn't some magic pill that was readily available for all of us to take before sleep to go out peacefully. oh well, in a perfect world...

 

[jag1]

I am very sorry about yr failed attempt and yr current state. That has to be awful. My heart goes out to you. If you dont mind me asking, could you elaborate on mistakes. If you dont want to talk about it, I totally understand. Its just thats a method I have often considered and keep coming back to as I have somewhat decent access to tall buildings/hotels/bridges in the city I live so jumping is more available then most options (relatively). I know overcoming SI is really difficult in this situation but I was wondering if you could go into what else went wrong. If this is too sensitive a topic, I totally understand.

Don't get started on benzos. I'm dealing with the horrible withdrawl from them and that makes me wanna ctb. I need SN. I want to be out of my misery. What they don't tell you is benzos should not be used more than 7 days. Period.

 

[idiotmother]

Don't get started on benzos. I'm dealing with the horrible withdrawl from them and that makes me wanna ctb. I need SN. I want to be out of my misery. What they don't tell you is benzos should not be used more than 7 days. Period.

I have issues from meds too, it's so freaking horrible. I'm sorry you're going through this. I want to ctb becsuse of anti psychotics .

 

[Porcelaindreamer]

i live on
a building on the 8th floor
im sorry you had to go through this what did you feel like during the jump?
i want to do that but i'm just hesitant like my mind is blocking my movement to do it
when theres no hope left in life
just fantasies which never seem to work out

8th floor does not give a guarantee. Please do not risk unless is 10th floor. There were cases of people who survived 8th floor.

I think this is why a lot of people dont consider jumping a prime method of CTB. I think the issue is depending on where you live, methods like guns and SN are more readily available than they in other places. I happen to live in a place where they are not easy to get a hold of. And OD'ing is also a very risky method that can go wrong and do damage to yr body. So hanging and jumping (off a building or into a train) are really the only options you have. and yes, there are risks involved but you could say that about all of them. It's a shame there isn't some magic pill that was readily available for all of us to take before sleep to go out peacefully. oh well, in a perfect world...

If only I knew this before. You know it was so high that I was sure that one jump and my suffering will end. I had no opportunity to consider better options because I was not informed so well. I just found out after. If I knew my primary choice would be SN because there is an super access for it in my country.

Don't get started on benzos. I'm dealing with the horrible withdrawl from them and that makes me wanna ctb. I need SN. I want to be out of my misery. What they don't tell you is benzos should not be used more than 7 days. Period.

I wanna use if only for a purpose to CBT. After first attempt I have extreme PTSD to CBT in general. To the point where even while having perspective for obtaining N in my hands I would feel extreme panic that for sure everything will get wrong or something. I was asking more if it is able to shut down that fear because now I feel left without other options than CBT. When I had my first jump I felt kind of fearless but now it is gone. Only this awful anxiety is left.

 

[Aiyuxiao]

I'm sorry that you have to go through that :(
I live with chronic pain in my on version, and it sucks ass. It's my main reason I'm on this site and want to die. I can't believe staff said nasty things to you too! WTH!

 

[copioushopelessness]

I have issues from meds too, it's so freaking horrible. I'm sorry you're going through this. I want to ctb becsuse of anti psychotics .

Same. Antipsychotics ruined my life. Which one if you don't mind me asking?

 

[idiotmother]

Same. Antipsychotics ruined my life. Which one if you don't mind me asking?

Risperidone AND seroquel. How about you?

 

[copioushopelessness]

Risperidone AND seroquel. How about you?

Olanzapine (zyprexa) Only med I've taken in my adult years. As a teen they put me on all kinds of stuff, risperdone and seroquel included. I should've known better this time. Olanzapine affects 17 receptors in the brain, I think seroquel affects like seven. Doctor tried to prescribe me so many things over the years, usually I'd just fill the script and not take it but I got desperate and caved. No one told me how addictive and near impossible this shit is to get off.
I'm sorry you've been harmed by these awful psyche meds. If only they could be used to peacefully ctb. Been hoarding meds for no reason I guess.

 

[thinkingofdeath]

So the main point is you must jump.from 10th floor. This the hight were death is guaranteed. Never try lower because there is chance you will end up disabled and with completely devastated body to the unexpected point. Were it is unimaginable to keep living like that. Obviously this is very high so it is terrifying. So second important thing is to be sure that you will land on something hard. You have to be sure that nothing will cushion you. That is why I do not recommend jumping off a bridge. I think it is too low, plus you land on water, and concrete is preferable. Another thing is do it at night so no one will find you quickly and take to the hospital. And it is better to fall on your head than on your butt. However it is not required while jumping from 10th floor. The worse part is to jump. I recommend just to close your eyes and it. I do not remember flight or any pain while crushing.

Can you tell me more about what it was like to fall? This is what I'm thinking of doing for myself. I'm really scared of the fear of falling in the crushing regret.

 

[brighteyesfan144]

I am very sorry about yr failed attempt and yr current state. That has to be awful. My heart goes out to you. If you dont mind me asking, could you elaborate on mistakes. If you dont want to talk about it, I totally understand. Its just thats a method I have often considered and keep coming back to as I have somewhat decent access to tall buildings/hotels/bridges in the city I live so jumping is more available then most options (relatively). I know overcoming SI is really difficult in this situation but I was wondering if you could go into what else went wrong. If this is too sensitive a topic, I totally understand.

jumping should be considered non-methods no one should try. i've seen people jump from heights that Absolutely should have killed but the problem is you get seen and the paramedics show up in less than 30 mins and save you.

you can hurt others, height might not be high enough, and mainly you make a huge fucking mess. just don't do it.

 

[Porcelaindreamer]

Can you tell me more about what it was like to fall? This is what I'm thinking of doing for myself. I'm really scared of the fear of falling in the crushing regret.

I remember nothing of a fall. The point is there was zero pain. Just instant blackness that is all I remember.

jumping should be considered non-methods no one should try. i've seen people jump from heights that Absolutely should have killed but the problem is you get seen and the paramedics show up in less than 30 mins and save you.

you can hurt others, height might not be high enough, and mainly you make a huge fucking mess. just don't do it.

Acctually agree. Very violent and you can only end up disabled at the end.

 

[idiotmother]

Olanzapine (zyprexa) Only med I've taken in my adult years. As a teen they put me on all kinds of stuff, risperdone and seroquel included. I should've known better this time. Olanzapine affects 17 receptors in the brain, I think seroquel affects like seven. Doctor tried to prescribe me so many things over the years, usually I'd just fill the script and not take it but I got desperate and caved. No one told me how addictive and near impossible this shit is to get off.
I'm sorry you've been harmed by these awful psyche meds. If only they could be used to peacefully ctb. Been hoarding meds for no reason I guess.

Yes they are horrible to get off of. I desperately want off of them. The seroquel especially is making my life a living hell but I can't see anyway of freeing myself from it . It makes me so groggy/exhausted 24/7 and making me gain weight. I also feel like a lifeless zombie.

 

[metfan647]

I'm very sorry OP. Can I ask how many floors you jumped?

 

[thinkingofdeath]

This is a little macabre, but I live on the 23rd floor of my apartment, and there's a straight line to the pavement as far as I can see barring any strange aerodynamics during the actual fall. I feel like that should be high enough but I sure hope I'm not wrong?

Also, my friend told me other people who have jumped and didn't manage to kill themselves expressed that they did regret it as soon as they started falling; he's heard it in the news, or something. That's a huge fear of mine; just going through those moments of terror where I realize I've made a terrible mistake. Right now I'm nearing the point where the pain I'm currently in is so bad that it seems worth it to go through that regret for a few very long seconds.

It is comforting to know that you just blacked out and I would hope the same for me.

The chemical route to me seems intimidating because I question my ability to find the right site, get the chemicals to myself safely, test them, measure them, and somehow not throw up. I have a very sensitive stomach to begin with. And of course I'm scared because I don't know how it will feel to die.

Man this is tough. It helps to hear about your experience though and it goes into my own reasoning of how to decide on my own plan.
But your post affected me so much I literally told a friend about it who knows about my desire to die currently. I'm just worried there may be a range of experiences: like how do I know I won't experience the fall vividly, even if you don't remember it?

 

[copioushopelessness]

Yes they are horrible to get off of. I desperately want off of them. The seroquel especially is making my life a living hell but I can't see anyway of freeing myself from it . It makes me so groggy/exhausted 24/7 and making me gain weight. I also feel like a lifeless zombie.

At first I thought the exhaustion and the inability to think or speak clearly was the worst, then it caused intractable insomnia. I sleep very lightly only a few moments at a time with disturbing dreams. Sleep was my only escape now I live in hell. They lie and say you can stop taking it. The withdrawal is unbearable. I had anaphylaxis and seizures trying to come off.

 

[idiotmother]

At first I thought the exhaustion and the inability to think or speak clearly was the worst, then it caused intractable insomnia. I sleep very lightly only a few moments at a time with disturbing dreams. Sleep was my only escape now I live in hell. They lie and say you can stop taking it. The withdrawal is unbearable. I had anaphylaxis and seizures trying to come off.

Was that when trying to taper down from it thst you experienced the insomnia? My sleep is terrible, even while on it and dreams are vivid. It's such a horrific drug I hate myself for ever agreeing to take it. What a cursed fool I've been. So fucking cursed. I'm a mom too, these drugs have stolen my daughter's mother. It's so damn sad I can't handle it.

 

[copioushopelessness]

Was that when trying to taper down from it thst you experienced the insomnia? My sleep is terrible, even while on it and dreams are vivid. It's such a horrific drug I hate myself for ever agreeing to take it. What a cursed fool I've been. So fucking cursed. I'm a mom too, these drugs have stolen my daughter's mother. It's so damn sad I can't handle it.

It was before I started to taper, got worse after the taper. It only helped me sleep for a couple weeks. I'm a mom too, I get what you mean about the medication stealing their mother. I don't want to traumatize them by leaving this shit planet but seeing me this way is worse. Because of my chronic illness and the devil drug they haven't seen me in a while anyway.. it's killing me. One daughter visited me in the hospital when I was there for GI bleed. The other is ignoring me. I'm not the same person. I used to cook, clean, do arts and crafts with them, laugh and sing. Now I'm a shell of a person. I don't think my oldest will even miss me. I don't get it, last time I saw her we were enjoying her birthday at an amusement park..My youngest will have to be strong I guess. They are only reason I hold on. That and I threw my damn method away. I want off this fucking planet. My kids are the best, but I feel like they truly would be better off without a chronically ill mother. Fuck their abusive father. He was a shit partner but he's ok as a parent. He better take the best care of them when I'm gone or so help me if there's an afterlife I will haunt him. I hate him for allowing my oldest daughter to be medicated. She's not the same since either. I feel fucking cursed too. The lack of sleep and these disturbing dreams will be my demise. dopamine and serotonin blockers, shit should be illegal. I've been in and out of the hospital for physical reasons but of course this low rate hospital wants to treat me like I'm crazy. Pain will do that. Why did I ever agree to take this shit. It's beyond sad and I can't deal with the pain and despair anymore. What do I have now that my kids gave up on me.. I dont
deserve sympathy. I deserve death.

It was before I started to taper, got worse after the taper. It only helped me sleep for a couple weeks. I'm a mom too, I get what you mean about the medication stealing their mother. I don't want to traumatize them by leaving this shit planet but seeing me this way is worse. Because of my chronic illness and the devil drug they haven't seen me in a while anyway.. it's killing me. One daughter visited me in the hospital when I was there for GI bleed. The other is ignoring me. I'm not the same person. I used to cook, clean, do arts and crafts with them, laugh and sing. Now I'm a shell of a person. I don't think my oldest will even miss me. I don't get it, last time I saw her we were enjoying her birthday at an amusement park..My youngest will have to be strong I guess. They are only reason I hold on. That and I threw my damn method away. I want off this fucking planet. My kids are the best, but I feel like they truly would be better off without a chronically ill mother. Fuck their abusive father. He was a shit partner but he's ok as a parent. He better take the best care of them when I'm gone or so help me if there's an afterlife I will haunt him. I hate him for allowing my oldest daughter to be medicated. She's not the same since either. I feel fucking cursed too. The lack of sleep and these disturbing dreams will be my demise. dopamine and serotonin blockers, shit should be illegal. I've been in and out of the hospital for physical reasons but of course this low rate hospital wants to treat me like I'm crazy. Pain will do that. Why did I ever agree to take this shit. It's beyond sad and I can't deal with the pain and despair anymore. What do I have now that my kids gave up on me.. I dont
deserve sympathy. I deserve death.

I hugged my oldest when I found out about her grandmother's cancer. She asked me if grammy would be ok, I said just hug me. I guess I was supposed to say yes. Now she won't hug anyone. Who knew a hug would change everything.

It was before I started to taper, got worse after the taper. It only helped me sleep for a couple weeks. I'm a mom too, I get what you mean about the medication stealing their mother. I don't want to traumatize them by leaving this shit planet but seeing me this way is worse. Because of my chronic illness and the devil drug they haven't seen me in a while anyway.. it's killing me. One daughter visited me in the hospital when I was there for GI bleed. The other is ignoring me. I'm not the same person. I used to cook, clean, do arts and crafts with them, laugh and sing. Now I'm a shell of a person. I don't think my oldest will even miss me. I don't get it, last time I saw her we were enjoying her birthday at an amusement park..My youngest will have to be strong I guess. They are only reason I hold on. That and I threw my damn method away. I want off this fucking planet. My kids are the best, but I feel like they truly would be better off without a chronically ill mother. Fuck their abusive father. He was a shit partner but he's ok as a parent. He better take the best care of them when I'm gone or so help me if there's an afterlife I will haunt him. I hate him for allowing my oldest daughter to be medicated. She's not the same since either. I feel fucking cursed too. The lack of sleep and these disturbing dreams will be my demise. dopamine and serotonin blockers, shit should be illegal. I've been in and out of the hospital for physical reasons but of course this low rate hospital wants to treat me like I'm crazy. Pain will do that. Why did I ever agree to take this shit. It's beyond sad and I can't deal with the pain and despair anymore. What do I have now that my kids gave up on me.. I dont
deserve sympathy. I deserve death.

I hugged my oldest when I found out about her grandmother's cancer. She asked me if grammy would be ok, I said just hug me. I guess I was supposed to say yes. Now she won't hug anyone. Who knew a hug would change everything.

It was before I started to taper, got worse after the taper. It only helped me sleep for a couple weeks. I'm a mom too, I get what you mean about the medication stealing their mother. I don't want to traumatize them by leaving this shit planet but seeing me this way is worse. Because of my chronic illness and the devil drug they haven't seen me in a while anyway.. it's killing me. One daughter visited me in the hospital when I was there for GI bleed. The other is ignoring me. I'm not the same person. I used to cook, clean, do arts and crafts with them, laugh and sing. Now I'm a shell of a person. I don't think my oldest will even miss me. I don't get it, last time I saw her we were enjoying her birthday at an amusement park..My youngest will have to be strong I guess. They are only reason I hold on. That and I threw my damn method away. I want off this fucking planet. My kids are the best, but I feel like they truly would be better off without a chronically ill mother. Fuck their abusive father. He was a shit partner but he's ok as a parent. He better take the best care of them when I'm gone or so help me if there's an afterlife I will haunt him. I hate him for allowing my oldest daughter to be medicated. She's not the same since either. I feel fucking cursed too. The lack of sleep and these disturbing dreams will be my demise. dopamine and serotonin blockers, shit should be illegal. I've been in and out of the hospital for physical reasons but of course this low rate hospital wants to treat me like I'm crazy. Pain will do that. Why did I ever agree to take this shit. It's beyond sad and I can't deal with the pain and despair anymore. What do I have now that my kids gave up on me.. I dont
deserve sympathy. I deserve death.

I hugged my oldest when I found out about her grandmother's cancer. She asked me if grammy would be ok, I said just hug me. I guess I was supposed to say yes. Now she won't hug anyone. Who knew a hug would change everything.

I hugged my oldest when I found out about her grandmother's cancer. She asked me if grammy would be ok, I said just hug me. I guess I was supposed to say yes. Now she won't hug anyone. Who knew a hug would change everything.

Sorry for the rant. But as a mother I feel my heart ripped out of my chest. Q

It was before I started to taper, got worse after the taper. It only helped me sleep for a couple weeks. I'm a mom too, I get what you mean about the medication stealing their mother. I don't want to traumatize them by leaving this shit planet but seeing me this way is worse. Because of my chronic illness and the devil drug they haven't seen me in a while anyway.. it's killing me. One daughter visited me in the hospital when I was there for GI bleed. The other is ignoring me. I'm not the same person. I used to cook, clean, do arts and crafts with them, laugh and sing. Now I'm a shell of a person. I don't think my oldest will even miss me. I don't get it, last time I saw her we were enjoying her birthday at an amusement park..My youngest will have to be strong I guess. They are only reason I hold on. That and I threw my damn method away. I want off this fucking planet. My kids are the best, but I feel like they truly would be better off without a chronically ill mother. Fuck their abusive father. He was a shit partner but he's ok as a parent. He better take the best care of them when I'm gone or so help me if there's an afterlife I will haunt him. I hate him for allowing my oldest daughter to be medicated. She's not the same since either. I feel fucking cursed too. The lack of sleep and these disturbing dreams will be my demise. dopamine and serotonin blockers, shit should be illegal. I've been in and out of the hospital for physical reasons but of course this low rate hospital wants to treat me like I'm crazy. Pain will do that. Why did I ever agree to take this shit. It's beyond sad and I can't deal with the pain and despair anymore. What do I have now that my kids gave up on me.. I dont
deserve sympathy. I deserve death.

I hugged my oldest when I found out about her grandmother's cancer. She asked me if grammy would be ok, I said just hug me. I guess I was supposed to say yes. Now she won't hug anyone. Who knew a hug would change everything.

I hugged my oldest when I found out about her grandmother's cancer. She asked me if grammy would be ok, I said just hug me. I guess I was supposed to say yes. Now she won't hug anyone. Who knew a hug would change everything.

Sorry for the rant. But as a mother I feel my heart ripped out of my chest.

It was before I started to taper, got worse after the taper. It only helped me sleep for a couple weeks. I'm a mom too, I get what you mean about the medication stealing their mother. I don't want to traumatize them by leaving this shit planet but seeing me this way is worse. Because of my chronic illness and the devil drug they haven't seen me in a while anyway.. it's killing me. One daughter visited me in the hospital when I was there for GI bleed. The other is ignoring me. I'm not the same person. I used to cook, clean, do arts and crafts with them, laugh and sing. Now I'm a shell of a person. I don't think my oldest will even miss me. I don't get it, last time I saw her we were enjoying her birthday at an amusement park..My youngest will have to be strong I guess. They are only reason I hold on. That and I threw my damn method away. I want off this fucking planet. My kids are the best, but I feel like they truly would be better off without a chronically ill mother. Fuck their abusive father. He was a shit partner but he's ok as a parent. He better take the best care of them when I'm gone or so help me if there's an afterlife I will haunt him. I hate him for allowing my oldest daughter to be medicated. She's not the same since either. I feel fucking cursed too. The lack of sleep and these disturbing dreams will be my demise. dopamine and serotonin blockers, shit should be illegal. I've been in and out of the hospital for physical reasons but of course this low rate hospital wants to treat me like I'm crazy. Pain will do that. Why did I ever agree to take this shit. It's beyond sad and I can't deal with the pain and despair anymore. What do I have now that my kids gave up on me.. I dont
deserve sympathy. I deserve death.

I hugged my oldest when I found out about her grandmother's cancer. She asked me if grammy would be ok, I said just hug me. I guess I was supposed to say yes. Now she won't hug anyone. Who knew a hug would change everything.

I hugged my oldest when I found out about her grandmother's cancer. She asked me if grammy would be ok, I said just hug me. I guess I was supposed to say yes. Now she won't hug anyone. Who knew a hug would change everything.

Sorry for the rant. But as a mother I feel my heart ripped out of my chest.

It was before I started to taper, got worse after the taper. It only helped me sleep for a couple weeks. I'm a mom too, I get what you mean about the medication stealing their mother. I don't want to traumatize them by leaving this shit planet but seeing me this way is worse. Because of my chronic illness and the devil drug they haven't seen me in a while anyway.. it's killing me. One daughter visited me in the hospital when I was there for GI bleed. The other is ignoring me. I'm not the same person. I used to cook, clean, do arts and crafts with them, laugh and sing. Now I'm a shell of a person. I don't think my oldest will even miss me. I don't get it, last time I saw her we were enjoying her birthday at an amusement park..My youngest will have to be strong I guess. They are only reason I hold on. That and I threw my damn method away. I want off this fucking planet. My kids are the best, but I feel like they truly would be better off without a chronically ill mother. Fuck their abusive father. He was a shit partner but he's ok as a parent. He better take the best care of them when I'm gone or so help me if there's an afterlife I will haunt him. I hate him for allowing my oldest daughter to be medicated. She's not the same since either. I feel fucking cursed too. The lack of sleep and these disturbing dreams will be my demise. dopamine and serotonin blockers, shit should be illegal. I've been in and out of the hospital for physical reasons but of course this low rate hospital wants to treat me like I'm crazy. Pain will do that. Why did I ever agree to take this shit. It's beyond sad and I can't deal with the pain and despair anymore. What do I have now that my kids gave up on me.. I dont
deserve sympathy. I deserve death.

I hugged my oldest when I found out about her grandmother's cancer. She asked me if grammy would be ok, I said just hug me. I guess I was supposed to say yes. Now she won't hug anyone. Who knew a hug would change everything.

I hugged my oldest when I found out about her grandmother's cancer. She asked me if grammy would be ok, I said just hug me. I guess I was supposed to say yes. Now she won't hug anyone. Who knew a hug would change everything.

Sorry for the rant. But as a mother I feel my heart ripped out of my chest. Q

Sorry for the rant. But as a mother I feel my heart ripped out of my chest.

Sorry for the rant. But as a mother I feel my heart ripped out of my chest.

Truth is I am crazy. Trauma will do that. For years I was misunderstood now I'm exactly what everyone made me out to be. Everything I was is gone. I feel apathetic towards myself but I still have empathy for the suffering of others. And that's another driving factor, seeing too much suffering in this world. I can't witness it anymore. I can't watch the world burn anymore. Rant over...

I have issues from meds too, it's so freaking horrible. I'm sorry you're going through this. I want to ctb becsuse of anti psychotics .

I hope that you can taper off the meds and get better. Seroquel is a bitch to get off of but I think it's safer to wean than zyprexa.

Same. Antipsychotics ruined my life. Which one if you don't mind me asking?

Wish I could delete my comments. Damn I fucking hate myself. Sorry for derailing this thread. Im a pos.

 

[idiotmother]

It was before I started to taper, got worse after the taper. It only helped me sleep for a couple weeks. I'm a mom too, I get what you mean about the medication stealing their mother. I don't want to traumatize them by leaving this shit planet but seeing me this way is worse. Because of my chronic illness and the devil drug they haven't seen me in a while anyway.. it's killing me. One daughter visited me in the hospital when I was there for GI bleed. The other is ignoring me. I'm not the same person. I used to cook, clean, do arts and crafts with them, laugh and sing. Now I'm a shell of a person. I don't think my oldest will even miss me. I don't get it, last time I saw her we were enjoying her birthday at an amusement park..My youngest will have to be strong I guess. They are only reason I hold on. That and I threw my damn method away. I want off this fucking planet. My kids are the best, but I feel like they truly would be better off without a chronically ill mother. Fuck their abusive father. He was a shit partner but he's ok as a parent. He better take the best care of them when I'm gone or so help me if there's an afterlife I will haunt him. I hate him for allowing my oldest daughter to be medicated. She's not the same since either. I feel fucking cursed too. The lack of sleep and these disturbing dreams will be my demise. dopamine and serotonin blockers, shit should be illegal. I've been in and out of the hospital for physical reasons but of course this low rate hospital wants to treat me like I'm crazy. Pain will do that. Why did I ever agree to take this shit. It's beyond sad and I can't deal with the pain and despair anymore. What do I have now that my kids gave up on me.. I dont
deserve sympathy. I deserve death.

I hugged my oldest when I found out about her grandmother's cancer. She asked me if grammy would be ok, I said just hug me. I guess I was supposed to say yes. Now she won't hug anyone. Who knew a hug would change everything.

I hugged my oldest when I found out about her grandmother's cancer. She asked me if grammy would be ok, I said just hug me. I guess I was supposed to say yes. Now she won't hug anyone. Who knew a hug would change everything.

Sorry for the rant. But as a mother I feel my heart ripped out of my chest. Q

Sorry for the rant. But as a mother I feel my heart ripped out of my chest.

Sorry for the rant. But as a mother I feel my heart ripped out of my chest.

Truth is I am crazy. Trauma will do that. For years I was misunderstood now I'm exactly what everyone made me out to be. Everything I was is gone. I feel apathetic towards myself but I still have empathy for the suffering of others. And that's another driving factor, seeing too much suffering in this world. I can't witness it anymore. I can't watch the world burn anymore. Rant over...

I hope that you can taper off the meds and get better. Seroquel is a bitch to get off of but I think it's safer to wean than zyprexa.

Wish I could delete my comments. Damn I fucking hate myself. Sorry for derailing this thread. Im a pos.

Oh my gosh, I relate to this so much, I used to be such a good mom too. It's all lost now ;((. I'm sorry you are suffering so much, with mental and physical ailments, thats just terrible . I'm sorry your ex husband is an asshole, I hope he treats your girls better. I'm adamant that nobody medicate my daughter, at least I've put it in my notes for people to read. They will want to medicate her, I know they will. Fuck this life, it's terrible. Absolutely cursed and suffering. Feel free to pm me if you need to vent, I understand.