Discussion Do you really want to die or are you just afraid to live?

[catfriend]

yes and yes. in the latter's case, though, the fear of living is more to do with:

1. still having the poor QoL i have now, when i'm middle-aged and older, and finding it increasingly difficult to cope with that
2. having fewer opportunities to end my life gracefully, should i find myself on the mental healthcare system's radar (e.g., institutionalization)

Life is a big gamble... it fucking sucks

yup! the uncertainty of the future freakin' kills me (no pun intended).

 

[brokeandbroken]

The question goings through my mind every few days , and I honestly don't know how to answer it. Life is difficult and death is enviable .... it's also unknown so do we give up all that we know for a chance at something new or do we keep going on suffering until the day comes that we die ?

Is waiting worth it or is all of this for nothing?

I dont want to die. But that said I also dont have a life and I dont have any means, opportunity, or any ability to create change to alter it. Ive tried and im genuinely out of things to try. It's more so I dont want to live a life where im forced to not live it. To just waste time or have mine wasted.

 

[LigottiIsRight]

I don't want to spend decades wage-slaving. The thought of dedicate a third or more of the day to an unwanted effort appears ridiculous to me. For what, contributing to society, doing my part? I simply don't care about that, I never sign any contract. This society isn't something worth caring for.
Societal contingencies apart, the concatenation of struggles of life, whatever its kind, is worthless too. Only an existence devoid of it would be valuable for me. This is just my worldview and opinion, I'm not preaching. Many people are capable of finding meaning in the struggle.
The conclusion is that I'm not "afraid" of living, I just think the struggle isn't worthy.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I do have some fear around living. Dread and deep reluctance are better descriptions though. I'm sick to death of the unavoidable gruel of life. It's mostly that I hate a lot of aspects of life although, I certainly fear others too.

I fear death too. Not the thought of being dead and, not existing- if that's what happens. I fear the process and pain of dying and, any possible afterlife.

Impossible to know whether it's worth holding on. Whether we score extra points for accepting possibly very unpleasant illnesses before we die. What kind of God would want that though? Is it one I'd even want to be ruled over again in heaven? I just feel like even the best case scenario is deeply troubling.

 

[J&L383]

When life becomes unbearable due to a chronic illness, that's not life, and you don't want to continue like that, especially when there's no cure. Before, we might fear death, but at that point of pain and suffering, we don't fear it; we just want to stop suffering. Since there's no magic cure, it's our last option and our last resort. We prefer to die rather than endure the existing pain. That's how I feel

I feel the same way.

 

[Gustav Hartmann]

Basically I want to be forever young and live forever. I am afraid to die in a nursing home. On the other hand I accept life as it is and all facets of life fascinate me. Especially the process of dying in a certain way.

 

[Defenestration]

« Peur » n'est pas le mot juste pour mon cas, je dirais « fatigué »

2 for me

 

[darksouls]

I dont want to ctb
but my health is very poor
I dont want to torture myself for another 30 years
so the day will come when I have to end this suffering

 

[NonEssential]

I don't have the competence, skills and motivation needed to live like a normal adult.
it's less that I wish to die right now, but rather that I know that my future will be terrible and know only one way to avoid it.

 

[Lily6759]

I'm both.
With being scared of living, there is so much potential for pain, stress, heartbreak, unfillable voids, anxiety, depression. And it feels like all of that is default. It's hard to find positive emotions, it's hard to feel understood. Life will always have stress and the potential for things to get worse, even when it's already completely shit, and I'm not prepared for it to get worse, so the best way to deal with that is to die before it can.

But I also want death. In death there isn't emotion, there's no stress, it's peace. It's just the end of a painful existence.

Unfortunately, so long as I have something good enough to live for, my mind won't let me die, no matter how much I want to, or how many reasons I have to ctb.

 

[FuneralCry]

I always wish to not exist and it's all I could ever wish and hope for, I'd just never want to exist and for me existence truly is the problem, I'll always see existence as an abomination that just causes harm and suffering until non-existence takes away all anyway and I'd just always prefer to not exist than suffer, I'd just never wish for the torturous, futile burden of existence rather I only want to not exist.

For me non-existence really is all that's positive and I'd just never wish to exist, I'll always see existence as just being suffering all for the sake of it and problems there were never a need for with no limit as to how much one can be tortured and it's all just so terrible and dreadful to me and I find it so terrifying how a human can suffer for so long just to be tortured by old age, I wish I never suffered more than anything, as long as I exist I'll always and only hope for the peace of an eternal sleep which is why I always suffer from how I cannot just choose to never wake ever again.

 

[kunikuzushi]

Well being afraid to live is why I want to die.

 

[ilvgore]

yeah, i wanna die.
life is boring!
that's it.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

i really want to die asap . and i'm afraid to live also.

Death = non-existence forever, all problems solved forever , no chance of unbearable pain nor extreme suffering ever . only in non-existence forever is the only guarantee of never suffering so bad the suffering is a trillion times worse than you can imagine. to me this is the best thing and i want eternal non-existence for me asap . i want to die very soon as i can.

living life = always a chance of unbearable pain or extreme suffering .while alive living in life there's also a probability suffering a trillion times worse than you can imagine.I don't know who wouldn't be afraid of life but i am . life is also full of problems , suffering, pain , stress . again permanent non-existence is much better.

The human brain can suffer unending constant unbearable pain. the brain the machine is on i'm in harms way. the machine is off the brain is destroyed i'm out of harms way . the brain is an abomination a torture chamber, just brain cells that create objective bad feelings like constant unbearable pain. it's a horror . it's the pleasure addictions that are bait for the worst torture that are subjective .

only in non-existence can one be out of harms way . while alive you are in harm's way , under threat of extreme torture. but the society has everyone thinking it's good and heroic to encourage someone to keep living . if i am about to kill myself and someone or a part of my brain convinces me to put it off to another day .... then what if i get a brain stroke tomorow or car accident which either leave me in constant pain? would that someone care or feel guilty they caused me to have unbearable pain every second for years? or will they still think they are a hero? how about they do all the work , job , chores for me since they want me a stranger to remain alive so much, would they do all my 100 items on my to do list , chores, work my job , wash my clothes every day? no just existing in this hell under threat of extreme torture has a price of daily suffering and hard work. then you do some fleeting pleasure addiction that is not worth the extreme torture possible nor even the hard work every day. and the pleasure addictions are what take away my time from getting defeating my si and getting my suicide method ready to go. but if i would have died today then tomorow i won't exist and then i couldn't get into a car accident tomorow and couldn't feel pain forever , i wouldn't have any problems tomorow nor have to work or do chores or suffer. being dead not existing wouldn't be bad for me but living can always land me into a trap of unbearable suffering.

and no dying is not Death because you are still alive which is why you can be dying for a month with cancer. if you were dead you couldn't feel pain so Death can't be painful dying is really living . and you feel pain because you are alive.

i posted earlier on this thread but didn't have time and had posted only one line so..

 

[Forveleth]

You could hand me $100 million and tell me that all that cares in the world would be gone for the rest of my life and I would still kill myself tomorrow. I am just done living.

 

[SmilingNoMore]

I'm afraid to die again if I decide to live again. Totally f*cked since when I died inside, won't be able to go through this again.

 

[martinso67]

Both but yes, I see no hope in my future and I am very scared of it :( I don't think I can ever work 40-50 hours a week I just do not have the mental fortitude for it with my autism and isolation. With the housing crisis this means I either work a lot and make my life absolutely miserable or rely on my parents which obviously cannot last forever >.< It seems like it is in the best interest of both me and my family for me to die...

This modern life, though we havethe internet and AI.
One still has to work at least 40 hours a week to survive. Economists predicted that in the 21st century people need to only work about 15 hours.
But now not so few people need to work 2 jobs and the 9-5 is not enough to survive.

Modern life, you have access to all the information by a click only. And supermarkets are full of products and variation.
But when it comes to basic needs like housing or medical care. The these are very much in shortage and one is in competition with many others.

I feel, for me! Life is a competition and a zero sum game. I don't want to live the too much long live expectancy of 80 years. Only work and consume. Make the economic elite richer and one is only a number.

I want to press a button and die in my sleep. 32 years of life are enough.

 

[711slushies]

A combination of both. I don't want to die, but there is no possibility of me living a life that dying sooner would be worse than living. right now especially, I've got the whole chronically ill, trans, and autism wombo combo going on while living in the US.... and I don't have a passport and won't be able to get one for several months due to a name change.... yea. But beyond that, life has and always will be inaccessible to me. I can't do things i should be able to do independently and I don't have a support system in either the caregiving or financial realm for much longer. I desperately want to live, I want to be able to feel happy with my friends and become an artist and live with a partner and 2 hairless cats. But I can't. at least in this universe i cant. I feel no sense of connection to even my best friends anymore. I stumble over sentences, and my memory has gotten so bad i repeat things I said less than a minute ago not realizing i already said them. And i've tried. Ive tried so so so so SO hard. I've done basically every kind of therapy and hospitalization my insurance will cover. I only have a job because I am in school and didn't need an interview for something on campus.

I want to live, but living isn't something that is possible for me. I have only been surviving, not living, for years. I'd rather die by my own hands than be forced to be kept alive beyond a reasonable point to achieve something that will never happen

 

[LetMeOut67]

Life is terrifying for me
The endless loneliness
The endless silence , the nothingness.
It is terrifying.

There are things I have to live for but these are not worth the terrible fear in my head

 

[wham311]

Not afraid of living just absolutely hate it.i am so fucking over this place.

No one wants literally to hurt themselves to the point theyre dead, it's just what you have to do to stop the suffering. I would like to be dead, I don't want to jave to do what's necessary to die.

 

[adoptedpain]

I believe there's an inflection point where compounded issues get to a stage where the emotional, physical and psychological pain is greater than a simple "afraid to live". Very circumstantial and given a different set of options or conditions I'd feel less inclined and feel like I am not consistently drowning in life without a way out besides ending up homeless without medication and other basic resources. My lack of anything right now is gutting and it's okay that it's too much. I am older and the only part that scares me is being alone when it happens as id want to be held in the process without any recourse for someone unknowingly realizing that I decided to OD due to everything going on. It would take a substantial miracle from a person of resources to provide the ability to get stable enough to regain traction with gratitude, anyways I want to DM/PM people that feel comfortable communicating about anything as this is the only safe space I can express myself in this capacity.

 

[thoughtitwouldbedif]

Of course I'm afraid to live. Life has constantly hurt me over and over. I finally felt safe! For about 3 years I was living in paradise.

But now that's gone. I don't wanna build a new life, I want that one back.

I can't get it back, so why go on?

People say it can all workout even better than before but I don't want anything other than what I had.

I don't wanna live life without her and the dogs.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

Both simultaneously. I don't wanna live, living is exhausting. But at the same time I really don't wanna die.

 

[Tired_birth_1967]

For younger people it may be more difficult, but when we get older and realize that we are a biological accident, death becomes a relief. I can only think of life as an accident. Everything points to that. I observe poorly evolved bodies that are subject to all kinds of anomalies, diseases and pain. Everything degrades until we rot. Life has a putrid smell that I have experienced, both from animal and human corpses. Everything is so rotten that all we have to do is not take a shower or brush our teeth for our essence to appear. And in the end, even the most apparently beautiful body will be consumed from the inside out in a horror show. Corpses in coffins have nothing left inside because everything is removed and filled with substances to the illusion of those who remain in their ceremonies. It is all very grotesque and bizarre. Our brains have evolved more than the rest of the body and that is why when we do not avoid or run away, we can perceive this discrepancy. All we can do is create fantasies, romanticizations and illusions about life that will never be real. And we all end up addicted to these artificially produced substances. And this will always live in conflict in our minds. Simply because it is not real. Everything is artificially created by us in an attempt to make the grotesque pleasant or acceptable. Life smells bad in every sense. And the only thing that opposes this is death. And of course the temptation to free myself from this rotten thing is death.

 

[adoptedpain]

Of course I'm afraid to live. Life has constantly hurt me over and over. I finally felt safe! For about 3 years I was living in paradise.

But now that's gone. I don't wanna build a new life, I want that one back.

I can't get it back, so why go on?

People say it can all workout even better than before but I don't want anything other than what I had.

I don't wanna live life without her and the dogs.

People provide generic advice and answers bc it's too hard to understand- hence why people are here bc anyone on the outside will say the most obvious/simple answer

 

[Dejected 55]

I want to die because I am unable to live in any meaningful way.

 

[adoptedpain]

For younger people it may be more difficult, but when we get older and realize that we are a biological accident, death becomes a relief. I can only think of life as an accident. Everything points to that. I observe poorly evolved bodies that are subject to all kinds of anomalies, diseases and pain. Everything degrades until we rot. Life has a putrid smell that I have experienced, both from animal and human corpses. Everything is so rotten that all we have to do is not take a shower or brush our teeth for our essence to appear. And in the end, even the most apparently beautiful body will be consumed from the inside out in a horror show. Corpses in coffins have nothing left inside because everything is removed and filled with substances to the illusion of those who remain in their ceremonies. It is all very grotesque and bizarre. Our brains have evolved more than the rest of the body and that is why when we do not avoid or run away, we can perceive this discrepancy. All we can do is create fantasies, romanticizations and illusions about life that will never be real. And we all end up addicted to these artificially produced substances. And this will always live in conflict in our minds. Simply because it is not real. Everything is artificially created by us in an attempt to make the grotesque pleasant or acceptable. Life smells bad in every sense. And the only thing that opposes this is death. And of course the temptation to free myself from this rotten thing is death.

Clearly you have a lot of life experience in a variety of areas. When the pain of living became greater than the pain of leaving, this is when things started tilting toward another trajectory.. concept you discuss are one thing, theory is another.. I would not want a service or funeral, just cremation - private gathering with "adopted family" very small and that's all. Thoughts and discussions are one thing - I'm looking to discuss deep down buried issues that could only be discussed with people found on here as I am familiar with 988/clinician protocols and am in a very compromised/vulnerable position right now.

 

[just a bird]

I am not afraid of living, per se. I just have so much and yet find none of it worth living for. At that point, I'm so ungrateful anyways, why not just die?

 

[starboy2k]

Yes

 

[wham311]

I still cannot wrap my brain around giving up completely = does not kill you. That's how it should work