Discussion Do you really want to die or are you just afraid to live?

[adoptedpain]

I want to die because I am unable to live in any meaningful way.

How long have you felt like this? texting/typing about such a deep and personal matter feels so strange. I can relate to almost everyone's pain which concerns me that my path to transition is clear

 

[TBONTB]

The question goings through my mind every few days , and I honestly don't know how to answer it. Life is difficult and death is enviable .... it's also unknown so do we give up all that we know for a chance at something new or do we keep going on suffering until the day comes that we die ?

Is waiting worth it or is all of this for nothing?

This is a very Hamlet like question! I don't think life is ever for nothing. We all have things that matter to us. Maybe a friend, maybe a pet, maybe the way coffee tastes, maybe the way mist feels when it falls on your face. This is life...it isn't that it "means something", it just is. That being said there is a lot of pain out there, and for some people trying is too hard

 

[s00ngone]

I think about this daily. When I first became actively suicidal months ago, I was looking up methods and stumbled into this site. Then when I found out about SN, the possibility of actually choosing to die became a vivid reality. I have my SN now, hidden away in my closet, and every day I trace the steps to where it's hidden with my mind. Mostly, I've put it off. I distract myself hard. There's not a second I'm not either at work or watching YouTube to keep my attention anywhere other than the choice brewing in the back of my head. Do I want to die? I think I've known I wasn't going to live since I was a kid, in my way. It's the horror and pain that I'll cause my family, especially my sister, that haunts me enough to keep me here, SN sealed. That and the impossibility of knowing what will happen. Death, purgatory, hell, heaven, oblivion, the infinite dark.

Existence scares me enough to think about. When I would dissociate the hardest, it would fucking break my brain that I am at all, that any of us are, that the Earth exists, that the universe exists, that we're here as part of some infinite, inescapable conveyor belt of fleeting consciousness with no escape except death... assuming death is an escape. Tears me to pieces to think, as someone who manipulated me in a psychotic episode told me, we're stuck here. There's no getting off this ride.

I sincerely hope they're wrong.

I do have some fear around living. Dread and deep reluctance are better descriptions though. I'm sick to death of the unavoidable gruel of life. It's mostly that I hate a lot of aspects of life although, I certainly fear others too.

I fear death too. Not the thought of being dead and, not existing- if that's what happens. I fear the process and pain of dying and, any possible afterlife.

Impossible to know whether it's worth holding on. Whether we score extra points for accepting possibly very unpleasant illnesses before we die. What kind of God would want that though? Is it one I'd even want to be ruled over again in heaven? I just feel like even the best case scenario is deeply troubling.

That's where my deepest existential dread leads me - no matter how you look at it, it's all a strange and convoluted affair. I've never believed in God, but a psychotic episode based on spiritual delusions was what directly led to me being suicidal these days, and every possibility apart from total nothingness and obliteration (even that is terrifying enough!) makes me nervous.

It always struck me as strange that we think of God as "the Lord", anywho. A "king" who "rules" Heaven? C'mon, like a being so supposedly transcendental would operate the way human leaders do. I think any God I'd expect to actually exist or have any influence on us or our spirits would be much more Lovecraftian in nature, not necessarily in a horror sense but as something incomprehensible and unknowable. I sincerely hope any "heaven" or "paradise" is nothing like this reality.

You could hand me $100 million and tell me that all that cares in the world would be gone for the rest of my life and I would still kill myself tomorrow. I am just done living.

Yes, exactly. I feel frivolous or stupid or whatever else for it, but there's nothing that would make me want to stick around. When I fully broke down into my psychotic episode, I wrote something along the lines of "if life is lived on the basis of experiences, what does it make me if I just want the experiences to stop?"

 

[Dejected 55]

How long have you felt like this? texting/typing about such a deep and personal matter feels so strange. I can relate to almost everyone's pain which concerns me that my path to transition is clear

I've had passing thoughts on and off throughout my life... but I really only became convinced and fully on board last year when my life fell apart and I knew there was no hope for any kind of future.