Have you lost anyone to suicide? Has it changed how you view your own possible exit?
I've lost 2 close friends to suicide. I'm autistic so I haven't been close to many people in my life. I tend to attract and be attracted to neurodivergent people with mental health issues, so it's of no surprise to me that of the 5 people I've been closest to in life, 2 are dead from suicide.
My first friend and I talked a lot about suicide. We both believed we would experience a self-chosen death, even if it was not in the immediate future. He worked so hard on his mental health issues. Therapy, in-patient treatment, medications, Buddhist practices…… the list goes on. I support his decision to end his life because his suffering was overwhelming. I miss him tremendously, but it would be selfish of me to want him to suffer for me. I believe he made the right decision for himself.
My other close friend and I never really discussed suicide. Her death caught me by surprise. She was suffering from postpartum depression. I don't believe it was the right decision for her because she was in a temporary bad place. I believe it she stuck around, things would have gotten better. It hurts me that her son will grow up without his mother. I believe she convinced herself that she was bad for him and he would be better off with her dead, but nothing could be further from the truth.
I've always been upset that the first friend I mentioned didn't call me or leave me a note. We had discussed suicide many times and he knew I would support his decision and not do any welfare check BS. I'm glad he is at peace, but I'm sad I didn't get to say goodbye. Because of this, I will call my best friend to tell her goodbye. She already knows this and wants me to. I would also leave letters to other loved ones.
I also have many acquaintances who've died by suicide. One, I had a meeting (recorded) with him 2 weeks before he shot himself in the head. Out of curiosity to the mentality of a person 2 weeks before their suicide, I started to listen recording of the interview. I hadn't noticed anything off in the meeting, but hindsight is 20/20. We said hello and he asked how I was. I said I was fine but sad summer was over (it was early Sept). He told me he's optimistic and he believes we will still have more summer days. I found his optimism a bit strange and didn't listen to the rest of the recorded meeting.
