Venting Disconnected from everything

[echoINTHEMIRROR]

Been feeling disconnected from everyone i love lately. i was sick for 2 weeks (RA flare up) and have had very little contact with anyone and nobody's really checked on me to see if im ok
Additionally, I think one of my friend (trans guy like me) doesnt fully see me as valid and its making me feel really awkward bc like.. i get that i use neopronouns. cool. I can't fully see myself as human after years of dehumanization and using it/its is a reclamation.

Also I just dont feel like i connect easy with people anyways. Im autistic and went thru years of isolation (before and during covid) and have extreme interests, so i tend to talk about them often, and people tend to read that as me like.. trying to appear smarter. I just like speaking, I just like sharing my interests. But people think im just a dick and even if i try to engage i think i just come off as a poser. idk. i feel like shit and i feel like my friends all hate me. ik it might not be true but man. i hate the way i feel and i hate feeling like there is a physical barrier between me and literally every human ever. idk if its the years of isolation, social anxiety, autism, or something fundamental within the way i was born, but somethings wrong and its killing me. I want to die bc i feel disconnected and like everyone is annoyed by everything i do and ugh. i just feel othered

idk. I wanna die but i know i cant rn bc ppl are pending too much money to keep me alive for that rn (see: chronic illness) and i dont like wasting people's money. i know it sounds silly but if theres an afterlife i dont wanna deal with the guilt

 

[echoINTHEMIRROR]

in a server im in every vent ive made has been severely ignored and ive been consistently put off and ignored. every post or piece of writing or art i show is just. ignored. i try to make sure people are seen as much as i can and its just. not sent back to me. and im just idk. i know i dont matter much to people but i wish they'd pretend :(

 

[Kanau_Nano]

in a server im in every vent ive made has been severely ignored and ive been consistently put off and ignored. every post or piece of writing or art i show is just. ignored. i try to make sure people are seen as much as i can and its just. not sent back to me. and im just idk. i know i dont matter much to people but i wish they'd pretend :(

I'm so sorry you're not being heard or seen. It really hurts when that happens. I've dealt with that before. People here hear you though and I hope you find even more. Everyone deserves to feel valued. And you are valued even if people aren't making you feel that way at the moment.

I've found people that could listen to me talk lots bout things I like a lot and not judge me it can be very hard, but you can do it those people aren't worth being around if they can't be happy for you talking about enjoying things. Do you feel it's easy to tell others how you feel like this? Maybe being really honest about your feelings might help.

Dealing with that chronic illness makes life really hard. I'm proud and you should be of yourself for dealing with that

 

[echoINTHEMIRROR]

I'm so sorry you're not being heard or seen. It really hurts when that happens. I've dealt with that before. People here hear you though and I hope you find even more. Everyone deserves to feel valued. And you are valued even if people aren't making you feel that way at the moment.

I've found people that could listen to me talk lots bout things I like a lot and not judge me it can be very hard, but you can do it those people aren't worth being around if they can't be happy for you talking about enjoying things. Do you feel it's easy to tell others how you feel like this? Maybe being really honest about your feelings might help.

Dealing with that chronic illness makes life really hard. I'm proud and you should be of yourself for dealing with that

Thank you, really. I hope you know you are valued as well.

I'm scared of bringing my feelings up because they're going through their own stuff too but I don't know. Watching everyone reply to someone's recent rant while mine get completely ignored is an experience. Especially when said person tends to command the group around heavily. I don't want to leave them because this is the first time I've had people around for over a year since i was in elementary school and I think doing that would genuinely be my last straw.

And again, thank you. I try to be proud of myself but it's been hard lately.