Resource Comprehensive Medical records from SN attempt

[Dante_]

Posting on behalf of @razor543. Here are medical notes which some may find helpful. Please engage in discussion respectfully and direct all questions toward them.

 

[Dante_]

 

[Leyna]

Interesting, thanks for sharing

 

[a.dream.of.a.dream]

i'm srry you had to endure this razor543. thank you for sharing this.

 

[Upon a hanging Body]

Reading other peoples medical records especially suicide attempt are always hard reads .

 

[sweetcreep]

thank you to razor543 for sharing this with us.

 

[razor543]

Reading other peoples medical records especially suicide attempt are always hard reads .

It's hard reading back on it. It sometimes doesn't even feel real, like did I really go through that

 

[strawberry931]

I'm sorry you had to go through this.
How long after you ingested the SN did you get to the hospital? It sounds like if you just had another hour or so that you wouldn't be here talking about this. It says you were conscious when you arrived. Would you be willing to detail any pain you might have been experiencing?

 

[razor543]

I'm sorry you had to go through this.
How long after you ingested the SN did you get to the hospital? It sounds like if you just had another hour or so that you wouldn't be here talking about this. It says you were conscious when you arrived. Would you be willing to detail any pain you might have been experiencing?

I'm not sure about the specifics with times. I was in the ambulance at 18:45 and then transferred into the air ambulance. I don't know how fast they travel, but if you were to drive to it from where I live, it would take you roughly 45 minutes. Due to the lack of oxygen in my brain, I was conscious, but I couldn't remember any of it, and honestly, I'm kinda glad I don't remember it. In terms of pain, I can't remember any. I was throwing up in the bath, but throwing up isn't really painful.

 

[Upon a hanging Body]

It's hard reading back on it. It sometimes doesn't even feel real, like did I really go through that

How was the experience for you , in the end ? Looking back on it do you feel like you hav trauma or is it just another bad day ?

I've taken sn before too and I'm just trying to get a understanding of how other people... recover from a failed sn attempt.

 

[razor543]

How was the experience for you , in the end ? Looking back on it do you feel like you hav trauma or is it just another bad day ?

I've taken sn before too and I'm just trying to get a understanding of how other people... recover from a failed sn attempt.

I have more trauma from the attempt. I lost all my dignity and now have permanent scars from what they did to me. I just wish that they would let me die. When I look back on it, I regret telling someone what I was going to do; I should have just done it without telling anyone.

 

[MyShadow]

When I look back on it, I regret telling someone what I was going to do; I should have just done it without telling anyone.

Thanks for sharing all of this but this quote in particular is quite helpful. I thought that sharing my plan with someone was somehow helping them understand my pain, but it will only jeopardize the potential of the finalization of my plan.

I will keep this to myself. I need to be free of this life.

 

[Upon a hanging Body]

I have more trauma from the attempt. I lost all my dignity and now have permanent scars from what they did to me. I just wish that they would let me die. When I look back on it, I regret telling someone what I was going to do; I should have just done it without telling anyone.

I was impulsive and took sn with my girlfriend at the time in the other room. She heard me having seizures and called 911.
I've grown emotionally numb to all of my attempts... I just get these idk I guess you could call them ghost feelings or something. I get theses feelings of fading a lot and I end up having seizures sometimes afterwards.

Although I have overdosed a lot so I doubt it has anything to do with the sn attempt.

 

[razor543]

Thanks for sharing all of this but this quote in particular is quite helpful. I thought that sharing my plan with someone was somehow helping them understand my pain, but it will only jeopardize the potential of the finalization of my plan.

I will keep this to myself. I need to be free of this life.

I shouldn't have opened the door to the paramedics. It would have taken them a while to bust down the door, as it's a fire door and very heavy. Those precious minutes they would have taken would have probably ended with me dead.

 

[MyShadow]

I shouldn't have opened the door to the paramedics. It would have taken them a while to bust down the door, as it's a fire door and very heavy. Those precious minutes they would have taken would have probably ended with me dead.

I live in a house with 4 apathetic housemates and we rarely interact. Luckily, they work most of the week so I will have the privacy to CTB at home.

I hate it here so it seems appropriate.

 

[BlockHammer]

Man im sorry that you have to endure this @razor543. If you intended to try this methode again, i hope you'll be succesful

 

[razor543]

Man im sorry that you have to endure this @razor543. If you intended to try this methode again, i hope you'll be succesful

Thank you. I hope so too

 

[boredout]

Hmm did you just start propofol? I'd love to the opportunity to try it.

 

[razor543]

Hmm did you just start propofol? I'd love to the opportunity to try it.

They had me on it in the hospital. I'm not on it anymore.

 

[Firefly.Forest]

@razor543 - I am so sorry that you had to endure this additional trauma in your life.

As others have commented, it does sound like if you had more time it might have succeeded.

I can imagine that it must feel somewhat surreal to see it all documented in the medical records.
Your courage in sharing this information is appreciated.

You make a good point about not telling people - unfortunately this misery that we are all living thru sometimes makes it difficult to hide.

There are times when words feel hopelessly inadequate - this is one of them. Please know that many are thinking of you and wishing you peace.

 

[NellyGoes]

Thank you a much for sharing all this detail @razor543. It must have been excruciating to go through. it reads that you've had cardiac arrest some time after arriving. So it sounds like you did die for about 20 minutes.

And I know this sounds obvious but I'm curious — do you 100% wish that they had not gotten to you/not been able to revive you? Or is there a tiny part of you that's grateful they've saved you (at least for now)? I do find it technically perverse that an adult would ever be in involuntary care. It says "with intent to end her life", I feel like an adult's intent should be respected. I just find involuntary hold so insane and inhumane. (Unless the person is clearly out of their mind and doesn't know what they're doing.)

I shouldn't have opened the door to the paramedics.

This is somewhat curious. Do you think it was your subconscious mind that said "medics demanding entry, must open door". Or something else? Were you still consciously thinking at that point?

Also do you have any idea how much SN you ingested? The report says 70g and then later 7g.

I hope you are healing from this whole ordeal. And again thank you for sharing all this with us.

 

[razor543]

do you 100% wish that they had not gotten to you/not been able to revive you? Or is there a tiny part of you that's grateful they've saved you (at least for now)?

Hmm, I'm like 50/50 on that. A part of me wanted to die, to not be here anymore, and to not feel the pain I endure constantly. I regret surviving because of the scars I now have ( I have self-harm scars, but I can hide those). But also, if I didn't survive, then I wouldn't have gotten my 2 cats I have now. It's difficult, and I change my mind on it all the time.

Do you think it was your subconscious mind that said "medics demanding entry, must open door". Or something else? Were you still consciously thinking at that point?

Well, my thinking at the time was to open the door to the paramedics, tell them I was okay, and that I didn't have any plans, as I had done before, and then hopefully they'd leave. I didn't expect the police to show up randomly. The conversation with the paramedics to begin with was perfectly fine, and then I saw the police through the camera and just went into my flat (no one was allowed to enter due to the chemical), I got the sn and a bottle of Fanta, locked myself in the bathroom and took it.

Also do you have any idea how much SN you ingested? The report says 70g and then later 7g.

It was definitely 7g I took. I'm pretty sure the 70g was a mistake. I did throw up quite a bit, so I'm not entirely sure how much my body actually ingested of the 7g.