Venting Bragging about LGTBQ+ stuff

[Nitlott]

I'll be yapping about one of my sensitive topics. I feel better after posting here especially, so I'll leave it here to take that burden off my shoulders.

I always feel really strange when I try to think about it, like it hurts to just think it over in your head. Something similar to trying to recollect a painful memory and your mind just straight up refusing to do so and tripping at the very beginning.

I have a strange relationship with orientations and...uh... Relationships themselves (sorry for the repetition). I've never experienced any sort of attraction towards anyone, you know, the one which is, in a way, being literally worshipped in our society? It's everywhere, the books, the films, the music, god damnit! So I can't really escape it even in the most important thing in my life. Got carried away there. So, as I said, I never had the experience of these feelings even as a kid. And I still don't really feel it. Which brings me to say that I identify myself as aroace, but it just makes everything even worse.
As a lot of aroace people did, I found that term after I (kind of) accepted being asexual. And that was the moment that something clicked in my head, all the little signs in my life. I remembered how I in middle school "assigned" myself a crush on a classmate by thinking something like "Hm, I guess I don't really spent time with this one and he rarely talks and is usually calm. Doesn't bother me, perfect match!" And how then I approached him to just say hi and realised that "ehh, that kinda sucks" and throwed that idea to the garbage bin the same day lol. How I felt when my mom's friend's kid was talking very weirdly to me on a trip we all went to and how I felt disgusting during that one. But then I remembered a bunch of other stuff too, and because of it I feel like a phoney identifying aroace. Maybe I'm just repulsed by the idea of sex and relationship.

For now there's only two memories I recollected on that topic. The first one in terms of timeline being me stumbling upon videos of people playing hentai games on YouTube... I was fond of anime as a kid so no surprise I'd get recommended that shit sooner or later. And the second that I recollected only a month or so is about me being in a camp with a girl I became friends with (Had similar interests, both were geeks and fans of anime). We'd build our tents for ourselves there, which was really cool! And some day she said to come to our tent for her to show me something. Yeah, for some god fucking reason she decided that it was really cool to watch porn with a friend there. It wasn't extreme (like gore/violence), just...the usual I guess. So there I was sitting with her and forcing myself to stay and watch it. Friends, right? And she was, like, REALLY invested in it. Not the kind it usually means, just... You know... The same thrill a dude gets when he finds old playboy magazines in his grandfather's attic. It wasn't only the hetero, I don't know... Kind? So I'm sure my strange reaction to it wasn't because of some divine revelation about men's and women's anatomy. I don't know how to describe what I mean, like, you know, something similar to little kids interpreting sex as violence. Yeah, so I'm sure it wasn't strange to me because it was taboo. I suck at explaining stuff like that.

And those events are one of the reasons I feel like a phoney identifying aroace. What if they're the reason I feel like that? Like irrational fear or something, despite me knowing perfectly well that it's not that.
Other reasons I feel that is the "You just haven't found the one" argument and similar ones you always hear from people.

When the thought of me being aroace first hit me, it was such a relief! Finally, I'm not the crazy one, there's people just like me. I finally felt at peace with myself for a while. But as time went on, it just made things worse. The ever going debate on if aroace is valid and a part of LGBTQ+, people saying it's not valid and a mental illness and all that got to my head. So, in the end and as of now, me being aroace and it's impact (?) on my never leaving suicidal thoughts went from "There's definitely something wrong and sick with me, I should just die" to "I'll never be able to accept myself and be accepted by others, I should just die". Yay? I mean, something definitely changed?

And the most major problems I have with this is my internalised aphobia and the fact that I'll never be able to feel accepted fully. It'll probably sound awful but fuck It would be so fucking easier if I was just gay. Like hey, I at least know that my family will support me in THAT case! And it's more... Socially accepted in a way. Like, "that person just has different preference, we still relate to each other in terms of relationships!". Way easier to understand that than the fact that some people are just different. But it's still not the norm, so yeah.

I have a strange relationship with orientations. In my little utopia world in my sick head there's just no such thing as an orientation. It's just who you love. Like, you love her ? Great. You love him the next day? Good for you. But I know it's not possible in our world, at the very least because of our nature and our love to fit people into the "us" and "outsiders" boxes. I guess it's just one of these things you do to simplify everything to cope.

And I always feel like I'm faking it. Yeah, it's a spectrum, thanks Captain Obvious, I know. There's no wrong way of being gay or straight or anything else in the world. It's just the internalised thing I'll carry with myself to the grave.
For now my orientation is one of the excuses I'll use to justify why I'll blow my brains out in an abandoned shithole outside the city in 5 years or so.

If someone really read this pathetic little shit story, thank you. And sorry if it sounded incoherent and had mistakes.

 

[MyPropellerWontSpin]

I relate to a lot of this, I too am somewhere on the ace spectrum, I remember telling a friend a few months ago that I think I might be asexual and their response was "Isn't that abnormal?" that just always stuck with me for some reason. It's awful that ace and aro individuals are not only ostracised by society but also not fully accepted by the lgbtq+ community, It feels like we're too queer for one yet not queer enough for the other. I wish the world could just understand that people regardless of their differences are just people. I don't know if this means anything coming from a stranger, but there's nothing wrong with you and you aren't sick or mentally ill just because you're aroace. I hope one day you'll be able to accept yourself, cus I do <33

 

[N Seeker]

I feel you.

The average person is going to take ages to accept the existence of aro-ace people. That's just how humans work, at least at present. Allo-normativity is so ingrained in our culture. There is nothing wrong with being aro-ace, but you'd better accept that most people will assume you are (allo)sexual.

I used to find myself making connections (if I have such—unrelated—orientation and I also have that flaw in my character, there must be a connection between the two, right?). What helped me is finding others with the same orientation and how each of them is a unique person. Even if the connections were true, they don't make me "unworthy" or "invalid" or anything like that.

But then I remembered a bunch of other stuff too, and because of it I feel like a phoney identifying aroace. Maybe I'm just repulsed by the idea of sex and relationship.

This is the problem with labels. No two people experience sexuality the same way, but we just impose a couple of dimensions and expect everyone to fit. My advice: if you feel more egosyntony when using the aro-ace identity, or like it "explains" more things than the allosexual one, then go for it. Otherwise, maybe try a less specific label? (I like to just consider myself ace-spec since I neither feel identified with aro-ace people nor with allosexuals).

When the thought of me being aroace first hit me, it was such a relief! Finally, I'm not the crazy one, there's people just like me. I finally felt at peace with myself for a while. But as time went on, it just made things worse. The ever going debate on if aroace is valid and a part of LGBTQ+, people saying it's not valid and a mental illness and all that got to my head. So, in the end and as of now, me being aroace and it's impact (?) on my never leaving suicidal thoughts went from "There's definitely something wrong and sick with me, I should just die" to "I'll never be able to accept myself and be accepted by others, I should just die". Yay? I mean, something definitely changed?

I was not aware of LGBTQ+ people considering aroace to be sick. But you know what? It being a valid orientation or an illness is not really like a "switch" or an essential feature of your experience. Gay people using this argument are probably misinformed on their own history. Once you understand that this argument's only purpose is to make people like you feel ashamed, you can free yourself from the need to be "not sick" and validated by other queers.

Of course, if you have symptoms of an illness, I recommend visiting the doctor. But that's a different matter. (And I see no reason why one should not accept themselves just because they are sick, even if illness can be hard to cope with. Especially if the "illness" is more easily attributed to the culture than to the person.)

On the other hand, this might sound "invalidating", but asexual people will probably (and hopefully) never face the level of stigma that gay people went through. Even to this day: you can look up a recent thread here on SaSu by a young gay man who felt at physical risk for being gay and having a few feminine traits. I don't think this is common among asexuals, even in cultures that don't understand them.

I have a strange relationship with orientations. In my little utopia world in my sick head there's just no such thing as an orientation. It's just who you love. Like, you love her ? Great. You love him the next day? Good for you. But I know it's not possible in our world, at the very least because of our nature and our love to fit people into the "us" and "outsiders" boxes. I guess it's just one of these things you do to simplify everything to cope.

Love your little utopia! And you are right, orientations are just a way to categorise people. They had their use because homosexuality was once considered a "disease" or worse (just like asexuality is considered now; not by the mainstream medical field, but still by many people). A new narrative was useful, and "sexual orientations" were a part of that. Maybe one day we will leave them behind.

I hope it helps.

 

[wishingonstars]

One thing I think might help is that you are still valid regardless of the "cause" of you being aroace. I know it's hard to believe and I spent a long time as a teenager believing I couldn't be valid as ace spec because of what caused it, in my case it was almost certainly stuff that happened to me, but that doesn't mean it's less valid. Maybe you were born this way maybe it was your experiences but you don't want a relationship and to hell with anyone who disagrees with that. It is absolutely no one's business but your own. I will also say though that it's somewhat unlikely that those two experiences you mentioned caused you to be aroace. I went through many many years of abuse and still experience sexual attraction (just don't feel safe acting on it mostly) and do feel romantic attraction. It's unlikely that your brain would just completely turn off experiencing any attraction due to traumatic experiences (I WISH it did).

It's hard to be steeped in a society obsessed with sex and romance but honestly having been in relationships and now choosing to be single being single is way better. Friends provide everything (aside from the obvious) that a relationship would minus the jealousy, having to have one person meet all your needs, and needing all of your future goals and wants to work together. I have found a lot of people cannot exist outside of romantic/sexual relationships, they don't know who they are, they don't understand their own worth without someone else telling them, etc. It's a strange take but don't let other peoples expectations fuck up what is honestly a nice thing. You will never have to put up with stupid shit from a partner just because you have needs you can't fulfill without one.

Also it really depends on who you meet in the queer community, most people I know fully accept aroace folks as part of it, some people don't but they're just jerks. I'm trans and have met plenty of queer folks who are transphobic but the majority are not.

Also it's not as if you absolutely have to tell people (including your family) that you're aroace, you can simply say anything from "I'm just not interested in dating right now" to "I prefer friendships to relationships" to "I'm focusing on myself" and it would be rude for anyone to pry further.

 

[RiT]

I sympathize with this, I've been asexual most of my life, only time I haven't been ace was because of a side effect of medications. Most people I tell react as tho its "a shame", I've had people tell me to my face that it was a waste of my looks to not want intimacy, what a backhanded compliment. I've never felt accepted by the LGBTQ+ due to this and being bisexual while on those meds.

I'm sorry people have to go through this, you always feel so out of place in the world. Having porn all around you and feeling weird for not enjoying it like others do. I hope others find a way to cope

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's just so sad- that when people aren't doing others any harm- that they can't just be accepted for who they are. Whoever they feel drawn or, not drawn to. It's also weird that an LGTBQ+ person, who has no doubt encountered discrimination themselves would then act in a discimatory way towards someone else.

Really, we ought to know better as a species too. I don't think sexuality is well understood. Something that fascinates me is objectophilia- sexual attraction towards inanimate objects. Again- people with that are often shunned. Or, there's no effort made to try to understand or even accept they feel the way they do.

It's just bizarre really. We may not be able to understand something. That doesn't mean we should belittle people that experience it.

People also clearly have varying intensity of sex drive and it can change too- throughout our lives. I was really late to develop mine. I was in my early twenties I think when it finally took hold. Weird, because I had had lots of crushes previously but, they weren't really exactly sexual.

I imagine lots of things affect our development though. Our upbringing, what we have been around as we age.

I can sort of see if you sometimes wonder if it's something you missed out on but then- it can swing in the opposite direction too I suppose. I've definitely known guys who couldn't seem to set their mind on anything else, because their libido was so strong.

I'm not even sure it is all that great to be honest. It probably is if you can find people to reciprocate how you feel but, having gone through several bouts of limerence- intense, obsessive and unrequited crushes on guys, I'm actually relieved that all of that has calmed down for me. I tend to swing back and fourth now- but, I can go months not really feeling any desire.

I don't think anyone should be made to feel odd though. We feel how we feel. So long as we aren't hurting anyone, I don't see what business it should be of other people's.

 

[Nitlott]

Only now did I notice the mistake in the title, damnit. I'm an idiot lol