Are you ever not suicidal?

[Jessica5]

I'm suicidal 24/7/365.

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

I have brief periods when I think maybe I can fix something or adjust but they are very few.

 

[Гууу]

Actually, this forumplace distracts me from noisy suicidal thoughts.

 

[mediocre]

It is always in the back of my mind even when I have moments where I think maybe things can improve. No matter what I do I know I will always need to be prepared and have a method ready to ctb because it's very likely I will need to at some point.

 

[disabledandhopeless]

When I'm sleeping I'm not suicidal.. although sometimes I dream of dying

 

[whereispeace]

Lately, I've been suicidal non-stop everyday. It's driving me fucking nuts. I'm thinking about taking my SN tonight...it's just so hard to actually through with it.

 

[kate_rd]

I'm constantly suicidal even when I'm happy :)

 

[dietsodamnsad]

Hi friend, I've been thinking about this question actually. I've always felt suicidal, pretty much 24/7. When I'm managing my mood better it's more passive, as in there are no definite or immediate plans but the thoughts and desire to die are still there despite what I come across as (productive, engaging in treatment). I think I had just gotten used to distracting myself from them, but if I was given a foolproof and painless method I would do it without hesitation, but I'm not intentionally seeking it out. Does that even make sense?

I dip into phases where I am actively suicidal, where those thoughts are just too compelling and I simply don't care about trying to get better anymore. In these times I can act impulsively so I've found myself really unwell from past (obviously) unsuccessful attempts. It's strange but I get to the point that I don't even care if I survive it, I just have to try my hardest with whatever I have available to make the emotional pain stop. It's not that I don't want to survive these attempts, it's just that my emotions impair me from doing it properly. Right now however I'm not feeling emotional, I'm thinking this one through more than I ever have before. I refuse to survive.

Sorry for the long ass post, I know no one really cares about my life story haha.

 

[akrasia]

There would be brief moments when I don't think about suicide. Mostly when I distract myself by working, watching my favorite show, etc. But suicide would always be on the back of my mind. It's the last thing I think about when I fall asleep and the first thing when I wake up. :)

 

[ThisIsIt]

For most of 2019, I had a decent paying job and a partner, and I can't recall experiencing persistent suicidal thoughts and tendencies during that time. That all fell apart though, and I'm right back where I've been for most of my life--and it's getting worse.

 

[Fragile]

yes, but only after i take 10+ pills of pregabalin or benzos.

 

[whereispeace]

yes, but only after i take 10+ pills of pregabalin or benzos.

Sounds like me

 

[ZardozOmega]

I'm not suicidal when I managed to get myself distracted with something. The moment I quit whatever it is I'm doing, tho, I am almost immediately harassed by these horrible thoughts and feelings, and I can go from being okay to suicidal real fast.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Been suicidal for (almost) the past 34 years. Minus last year and the two before them, otherwise, all the time.

 

[Angkorian]

most of the time i just think life is pointless no matter what I do (nihilism I guess) and then i thought might as well just end it now

 

[nerve]

Sometimes I'll go a day or two without thinking about it, but every time I check in with myself like "hey do you still feel the icy grasp of death throttling you" the answer is always yes.

 

[Mistake of Nature]

During every waking second, I wish that I was dead, but I'm not necessarily actively suicidal all this time. Not sure if that made sense to anyone else lol.

Sometimes it's just too stressful to think of planning and all the logistics involved, so I just start fantasizing about non-existence instead.

 

[Tamazi 123]

In the later afternoons and evenings I feel normal and not suicidal (my suicidal feelings are driven by my severe anxiety) and it settles down in the evenings it makes it so hard! All day I just want to die but I could only do it at night while my husband slept but A, I don't feel like it at night and B the meds I'm on make me sleep. I guess if I have enough I will just have to not take my night meds and get on with it.

 

[Black kettle]

It's always in the back of my mind. Sometimes it makes its way to the front of my mind. For me, it's not a goal per se, but more of a long term plan. I am grateful for the moments with my kids and any moment of contentment I can find, even if it's just once every few days. But during this covid thing- I struggle when people tell me that they are grateful to be alive. I really want to say "well I'm not. And as a smoker, I've only made things worse for myself". Because now isn't the time. I have kids to finish raising- looks like I might not be able to choose my time as I had hoped. Perhaps it will be chosen for me
Ps my spelling sucks and I have a headache

 

[ReadySince94]

There are small moments where I feel "okay" & I'm extremely positive but then poof it goes away & my suicidal thoughts come back...

 

[braketimez]

The first few minutes right when I wake up. Fades away quickly.

 

[Soulless_Angel]

Actually, this forumplace distracts me from noisy suicidal thoughts.

What this one said!

 

[MisanthropyInsanity]

There's this girl that I text sometimes, she lives far away, and would never like me anyway, but talking to her makes me feel better, she says she wants me to get better. Regardless, she will forget about me, or get sick of me sooner or later. I'm enjoying being able to talk to her while it lasts, but I keep reminding myself that it is my fate to commit suicide, and nothing can change that. I might set a date to ctb soon.

 

[Kumachan]

been suicidal for last 8 months, gradually it became nonstop especially the past few months when all hopes we dashed and the fucking coronacrap settled in - every thought leads to CTB one way

 

[Marktheghost]

No. I always want to die.

 

[selfhater]

no

 

[Woodnote]

Nope. I'm always suicidal.

 

[TAW122]

Perhaps during some short phases during my teenage/adolescence years. I was consumed with thoughts of rage and vengeance, those were stronger than the urge to CTB. My attitude (at that time) was different than in my adulthood. I had more of a "I wanted to see the people who wronged me suffer and get punished and had more of a vigilante's mindset than a I just wanna die to end my suffering" mindset.

Nowadays, I'm just getting things settled and find closure, make peace, and once the time and opportunity is right, check out on my own terms.

 

[Puppy]

Hi friend, I've been thinking about this question actually. I've always felt suicidal, pretty much 24/7. When I'm managing my mood better it's more passive, as in there are no definite or immediate plans but the thoughts and desire to die are still there despite what I come across as (productive, engaging in treatment). I think I had just gotten used to distracting myself from them, but if I was given a foolproof and painless method I would do it without hesitation, but I'm not intentionally seeking it out. Does that even make sense?

I dip into phases where I am actively suicidal, where those thoughts are just too compelling and I simply don't care about trying to get better anymore. In these times I can act impulsively so I've found myself really unwell from past (obviously) unsuccessful attempts. It's strange but I get to the point that I don't even care if I survive it, I just have to try my hardest with whatever I have available to make the emotional pain stop. It's not that I don't want to survive these attempts, it's just that my emotions impair me from doing it properly. Right now however I'm not feeling emotional, I'm thinking this one through more than I ever have before. I refuse to survive.

Sorry for the long ass post, I know no one really cares about my life story haha.

We for sure care about your life story so no need to apologize. I really appreciate you sharing that cause I feel similar with what you've felt and how youre still feeling if that makes sense. Thank you

 

[Yomyom]

Focusing on my plan make me forget I will have to do it someday