Anyone out there?

[le-pendu]

Just want someone to see me. And talk about it maybe.

 

[h3u8e7u]

hi. what's up?

 

[JeyJeyOfJeypore]

Are you thinking of killing yourself?

 

[wakeawake]

ya im new here also. ... and am here too.

Just the idea that its possible to actually talk about the whole topic without having flags and hotlines come up seems nice to me.

 

[le-pendu]

Are you thinking of killing yourself?

Yeah I think i should. Im realizing I've always been a problem. I just have to find a better place for my cats first. I've tried taking responsibility I don't think its enough. Its all my fault. Everything that ever happened. I really think I should or at least leave my friends at peace. Im incapable of mature relationships idk if im starting psychosis again or no. I just know I've always been a bad person. I thought I had become better but I dont know. I feel lije I've turned evil since I left my ex. He was hurting kids I left him when I found out and I told the authorities they did nothing. but idk what my fucking problem is

 

[JeyJeyOfJeypore]

Yeah I think i should. Im realizing I've always been a problem. I just have to find a better place for my cats first. I've tried taking responsibility I don't think its enough. Its all my fault. Everything that ever happened. I really think I should or at least leave my friends at peace. Im incapable of mature relationships idk if im starting psychosis again or no. I just know I've always been a bad person. I thought I had become better but I dont know. I feel lije I've turned evil since I left my ex. He was hurting kids I left him when I found out and I told the authorities they did nothing. but idk what my fucking problem is

must be hard when your man turns out to be a bad guy

I have a cat too. Little thing always makes me feel better when i hug him

 

[le-pendu]

I just feel like im going crazy. I've been told im the fourth week is the hardest to adjust to new meds but I feel absolutely nothing this week. Zero. And I hate it. I have no empathy no wants no nothing. I just sit here and hate myself. And its unbearable. I just want to feel like im a human being. It was getting so much so much better last week. So much better. I felt the light for a moment. And then now its the fourth week and everything is so much worse. They told me my brain will start adjusting for real towards the end of June. I just dont see a way out. I've been sick for six years, im finally getting better and now this. I just dont think anything will bring me back to human. I just want to end it im sontired of trying.

hi. what's up?

 

[h3u8e7u]

Well for starters don't think of yourself as an inherently bad person. The fact that you care about being a good person is a good sign. We all did bad\unjust things in our lives, since we can't change the past, the best we can do is try our best to forgive ourselves and do better going forward.

What medication are you taking? Keep in mind that the effectiveness of psychiatric medication varies greatly from person to person. If this one didn't work, you must ask your doctor for another one. This isn't rare, it's actually the most common course. Right now I'm taking venlafaxine and mirtazapine. people say it takes weeks for it to work but somehow i felt better immediately after taking them. before them i took fluoxetine, sertraline, which didn't really work for me.

 

[le-pendu]

Well for starters don't think of yourself as an inherently bad person. The fact that you care about being a good person is a good sign. We all did bad\unjust things in our lives, since we can't change the past, the best we can do is try our best to forgive ourselves and do better going forward.

What medication are you taking? Keep in mind that the effectiveness of psychiatric medication varies greatly from person to person. If this one didn't work, you must ask your doctor for another one. This isn't rare, it's actually the most common course. Right now I'm taking venlafaxine and mirtazapine. people say it takes weeks for it to work but somehow i felt better immediately after taking them. before them i took fluoxetine, sertraline, which didn't really work for me.

Im actually taking mirtazapine 15 mg. They started me on 15 for two weeks the effects were amazing. Then upped it to 30. Started to get too numb. Then after a week back down to 15. I've been hell since. I just hit my fourth week but I saw everything improve last week now back to hell. I started to feel normal all last week. That means it will get better right? They won't let me off of this medication they keep saying this is the last week it gets worse. The weeks of relief, that means its supposed to get better right? I was told my brain is just reacting this way because its trying to recover from the rapid titration and it will go back to how it was when I was first taking it. I had love for things last week. I had empathy. I just want to be human

 

[telekon]

I feel lije I've turned evil since I left my ex.

What makes you evil?

 

[le-pendu]

What makes you evil?

Im just extremely emotionally immature and I'm trying but I get irrationally frustrated with stupid things anymore. Im worried im heading back into psychosis because I've never been aggressive. Not except one incident I remember in my whole life but now? Its taken me months to stop snapping at people automatically. I finally stopped doing that but im always so angry and frustrated. Im just an angry person since then. Im just hateful. I dont trust anyone. I've admitted i want to kill myself when its inappropriate. And that causes immense distress. Im just at my capacity for the rest of my life. I can't take any more.

must be hard when your man turns out to be a bad guy

I have a cat too. Little thing always makes me feel better when i hug him

I have three (they're all rescues but the third was so impromptu. I found her starving and infested outside my apartment. Shes so young and I worry I must rehome her anyways because she just does not know boundaries and the other two are six and nine, not needing a one year old around. They seem stressed so I just need to find someone. Shes fixed and healthy now so Ijust feel like for the other two's sakes she needs to find another good home. But its frightening i know how people are). I love them all but realizing I've been sick the entire time the six year old has been alive. I feel awful about it. I havent been at my best the majority of their lives. I just feel like I have to find them a better home.

 

[SunnySideSummer]

Just want someone to see me. And talk about it maybe.

Are you french ? I am a french guy hello

 

[le-pendu]

Thinking about it its been longer than that. I havent recovered my life since the last time i was sexually assaulted. I just haven't been able to pick up the pieces and when I found out he was a pedophile I think I just lost every last bit of myself that wasn't even there anymore to begin with.

Im just extremely emotionally immature and I'm trying but I get irrationally frustrated with stupid things anymore. Im worried im heading back into psychosis because I've never been aggressive. Not except one incident I remember in my whole life but now? Its taken me months to stop snapping at people automatically. I finally stopped doing that but im always so angry and frustrated. Im just an angry person since then. Im just hateful. I dont trust anyone. I've admitted i want to kill myself when its inappropriate. And that causes immense distress. Im just at my capacity for the rest of my life. I can't take any more.

I have three (they're all rescues but the third was so impromptu. I found her starving and infested outside my apartment. Shes so young and I worry I must rehome her anyways because she just does not know boundaries and the other two are six and nine, not needing a one year old around. They seem stressed so I just need to find someone. Shes fixed and healthy now so Ijust feel like for the other two's sakes she needs to find another good home. But its frightening i know how people are). I love them all but realizing I've been sick the entire time the six year old has been alive. I feel awful about it. I havent been at my best the majority of their lives. I just feel like I have to find them a better home.

Thinking about it its been longer than that. I havent recovered my life since the last time i was sexually assaulted. I just haven't been able to pick up the pieces and when I found out he was a pedophile I think I just lost every last bit of myself that wasn't even there anymore to begin with.

But like its not like people should care. It would be nice. But that's not realistic. I don't know. I shouldn't have expected it. I just wish things didn't go on so long. I want my brain back. I mean I feel like when I was a kid and that was happening I don't know. I didn't listen. I stayed up too late. And I dont know what to think about my mom. I don't remember everything and maybe im exaggerating what I do remember. And I dont know. I started developing schizophrenia after the sexual stuff when i was still a kid. And I never got help. Until my best friend took me to the doctor. And then it happened again after i got stable on meds. And I wasn't allowed to talk about to anyone. And I guess I shouldnt have that shit fucks people up. I just told one person. And my psychiatrist. Im sick of just sexualtiy. And of womanhood. And of manhood. I dont know what im supposed to be anymore. I have no sense of self anymore i feel like the girl I was is dead forever and I just want her back. I want to be normal. At least quiet and timid.

 

[telekon]

Its taken me months to stop snapping at people automatically. I finally stopped doing that but im always so angry and frustrated. Im just an angry person since then. Im just hateful. I dont trust anyone. I've admitted i want to kill myself when its inappropriate. And that causes immense distress. Im just at my capacity for the rest of my life. I can't take any more.

very relatable

 

[h3u8e7u]

It sounds like your environment is stressing you out. Is it possible for you to take some time off of your work \school?