Without an explanation, it's hard to understand why you "have to die" and why it's destined to be painful & messy & why it has to happen before you turn 20.
I was moreso trying to ask a question rather than overexplain my own motivations. Personal reasons for the most part. I have to die because I am being stalked and hunted down by a relative. I don't want them to kill me. They had enough agency over my and my family's life as is. He tried (or atleast threatened to try) killing me and my mom over and over again, involving us in murder-suicide plots in his mind. So I'd rather kill myself than let him find me. But again, I don't have much agency there. I get to choose the manner in which I die but my death is still under his control.
I have to repent through death for a sin of mine so obviously that is also something that is not for me to decide, if I want to die a good person at least.
It has to be messy because of selfish reasons mainly. I want to protect the body of the child that grew into the person I am now. He has been through enough. I don't want him to remain vulnerable. To be desacred, violated, assaulted even in death. I cannot allow that. Also, I've been failed by a lot of people, I want to make my death as hard as possible to those people. I love them, but there's consequences to everything. Once you've thrown a ball you cannot prevent it from falling, you can only prevent it from hitting the ground. Once they started torturing me, they sealed my fate, I'll have to commit suicide, there are certain things you cannot live with. They could've prevented the mess at least if they tried to make up for all that they've done, or at least admit to it. They refused to, the consequence for that is having to scrape up a loved one from the floor.
It needs to be before I'm 20 so I don't feel guilt throwing away a life that has just started. Before 20, I consider myself to be a teen, still. Not that big of a sacrifice to make. I value life, I just don't consider this to be truly 'living' yet, not in the fullest sense.
Lots of other reasons I wont go into that would probably explain more, but im not comfortable with sharing that. Point is, this isn't my choice to make. I view this as a fair and just execution rather than a suicide.
I don't want to die at all. I want to live. But I want to live a good life with a nice job, nice friends, fun times and that's just not on the cards for me any more. Since prison my prospects are really bleak. Haven't been able to get a job in over a year with no sign things will change. All my friends left me as soon as I was arrested. I have nothing and no one. I have completely ruined my life. Everyone says "people turn their lives around after prison" and that's true but I don't want to live life as an ex-con. Carrying the guilt and shame with me wherever I go. The life I can rebuild to isn't the life I want in fact it's a life of agony and misery. I wish my life hadn't come to this. I wish there was a life left for me to live.
I just wanted to reply and say that I know you're trying to get your life together at 18 but nobody has their life together at that age. Everyone is figuring things out and making things up as they go so I'm sure you're not behind.
I am so sorry about what you're going through. Some of the best, kindest people I've met that shaped my worldview, that raised me, that taught me love were ex-cons, felons, "criminals". Ultimately, I don't think the law can define anyone's morality. You are still good at heart, even if you've done things you'll never stop feeling guilty about. I hope someone can open their heart for you. I hope they can see through this box that they've put you into. I hope they can see that you still possess kindness, that you're valuable, that you're great to have around, I hope they can recognise that they're just as capable of wrongdoing as you were.
I just hope for the best for you.
