Anyone else that doesn't WANT to die?

[ethereal_hobo]

I don't want to die at all. I want to live. But I want to live a good life with a nice job, nice friends, fun times and that's just not on the cards for me any more. Since prison my prospects are really bleak. Haven't been able to get a job in over a year with no sign things will change. All my friends left me as soon as I was arrested. I have nothing and no one. I have completely ruined my life. Everyone says "people turn their lives around after prison" and that's true but I don't want to live life as an ex-con. Carrying the guilt and shame with me wherever I go. The life I can rebuild to isn't the life I want in fact it's a life of agony and misery. I wish my life hadn't come to this. I wish there was a life left for me to live.

Some countries (like Portugal apparently) have much more enlightened policies around, say, those who go to prison for drug-related offences, including stealing to get their fix, I assume. After they serve their time they get a lot of help to find a job and even pay half their wages for the first year or something.

In my case I don't have a criminal record, but I realised recently that I've messed my life up in some ways out of a fear of getting a criminal record, or similar "disgrace" such as being caught cheating or whatever. I had a lousy employer once who was always trying to control me by implying that he would fire me, which just demotivated me. Then one day he threated legal action against me (more if I made the same mistake again rather than for the mistake I already made, I think). The funny thing was that that mistake was arguably more the fault of a more "model" employee who was "helping" me. It's possible she was sabotaging me for whatever reason, or she just made a mistake.

Anyway, the threat of legal action made me panic and quit the next day lol. I even moved out of that city partly for that reason. So recently I've been thinking that maybe I shouldn't have been so worried about getting into legal trouble, at least not to that kind of extent. On the other hand obviously there are many downsides to getting into such trouble, but I overcorrected for it I think. Also at times I've avoided doing the "proper", legal thing out of a lack of trust in government types.

 

[persepexa]

Some countries (like Portugal apparently) have much more enlightened policies around, say, those who go to prison for drug-related offences, including stealing to get their fix, I assume. After they serve their time they get a lot of help to find a job and even pay half their wages for the first year or something.

In my case I don't have a criminal record, but I realised recently that I've messed my life up in some ways out of a fear of getting a criminal record, or similar "disgrace" such as being caught cheating or whatever. I had a lousy employer once who was always trying to control me by implying that he would fire me, which just demotivated me. Then one day he threated legal action against me (more if I made the same mistake again rather than for the mistake I already made, I think). The funny thing was that that mistake was arguably more the fault of a more "model" employee who was "helping" me. It's possible she was sabotaging me for whatever reason, or she just made a mistake.

Anyway, the threat of legal action made me panic and quit the next day lol. I even moved out of that city partly for that reason. So recently I've been thinking that maybe I shouldn't have been so worried about getting into legal trouble, at least not to that kind of extent. On the other hand obviously there are many downsides to getting into such trouble, but I overcorrected for it I think. Also at times I've avoided doing the "proper", legal thing out of a lack of trust in government types.

Tbh I'm not bothered too much about the support. I've actually had a lot of support since getting out including with employment but they're not miracle workers. My CV is terrible for any job other than the job I used to have which requires a clean criminal record check.

I'm gonna CTB (in the next few days actually, all going well) because of the shame I feel personally. It's not about what society thinks of me, it's what I think of myself. I don't want to be this person. I don't want to be someone who has this past. I don't want to be someone who has done what I've done. I just want to be a normal person, with a normal past, a normal history. But when I had that I didn't care about it and threw it away like it was nothing. I just want to disappear. I hate myself. I look at myself in the mirror and I want that person to die.

 

[ethereal_hobo]

Tbh I'm not bothered too much about the support. I've actually had a lot of support since getting out including with employment but they're not miracle workers. My CV is terrible for any job other than the job I used to have which requires a clean criminal record check.

I'm gonna CTB (in the next few days actually, all going well) because of the shame I feel personally. It's not about what society thinks of me, it's what I think of myself. I don't want to be this person. I don't want to be someone who has this past. I don't want to be someone who has done what I've done. I just want to be a normal person, with a normal past, a normal history. But when I had that I didn't care about it and threw it away like it was nothing. I just want to disappear. I hate myself. I look at myself in the mirror and I want that person to die.

I didn't explain it very well, nor am I a huge expert in the Portuguese policy. I think they help people get the job they want, rather than any old job, but I guess there may be limits in some cases. Fine if someone wants to work at a mechanic's or something, but certain jobs may be unlikely.

I also have a terrible CV, except for one or two possibilities, but my mental health issues make me a bit of a ridiculous candidate for long-term work in those areas. Physically I'm not too bad, but even there I've had chronic pain and stuff from doing such work in the past, which could easily come back I think. Some kind of entrepreneurship or self-employed situation may be my only real hope, if I could learn to apply myself consistently enough etc.

Sorry to hear of your suffering.

 

[persepexa]

I didn't explain it very well, nor am I a huge expert in the Portuguese policy. I think they help people get the job they want, rather than any old job, but I guess there may be limits in some cases. Fine if someone wants to work at a mechanic's or something, but certain jobs may be unlikely.

I also have a terrible CV, except for one or two possibilities, but my mental health issues make me a bit of a ridiculous candidate for long-term work in those areas. Physically I'm not too bad, but even there I've had chronic pain and stuff from doing such work in the past, which could easily come back I think. Some kind of entrepreneurship or self-employed situation may be my only real hope, if I could learn to apply myself consistently enough etc.

Sorry to hear of your suffering.

You see my old job required a perfectly clean criminal record. In my old profession people get barred for a lot less even if they haven't been arrested. Some jobs you can't do if you "bring the profession into disrepute". It's not very common but a few professions have this as well. The people who tried to help me find work also wanted me to have the job I wanted rather than any old job and they had some really good ideas. Unfortunately I wasn't even considered for the roles I applied for.

But again that's just one small part of it. I just simply hate myself for what I've done. I don't want to continue living as this person. I know I could change but I feel like some things you just can't come back from. My probation officer was talking to me the other day about what would stop me doing this again. I said it's been years, surely I've earned a bit of trust by now? She said "well if you did it once you could do it again". That's the type of person I've become. I feel sick just thinking about it.

 

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[ethereal_hobo]

You see my old job required a perfectly clean criminal record. In my old profession people get barred for a lot less even if they haven't been arrested. Some jobs you can't do if you "bring the profession into disrepute". It's not very common but a few professions have this as well. The people who tried to help me find work also wanted me to have the job I wanted rather than any old job and they had some really good ideas. Unfortunately I wasn't even considered for the roles I applied for.

But again that's just one small part of it. I just simply hate myself for what I've done. I don't want to continue living as this person. I know I could change but I feel like some things you just can't come back from. My probation officer was talking to me the other day about what would stop me doing this again. I said it's been years, surely I've earned a bit of trust by now? She said "well if you did it once you could do it again". That's the type of person I've become. I feel sick just thinking about it.

Yeah. I know I keep going on about the Portuguese policy (which may have changed since I heard about, who knows), but again they pay half the person's wages for the first year, making it a good deal for the employer. Also the societal stigma around former prisoners reduced in Portugal and pretty much everyone appreciated the lower crime rate etc., few people wanted to go back to the old punitive system.

I don't agree with your probation officer. Sure, some people reoffend but others will be the last people to make the same mistake twice. I've been in toxic "friendship" groups (and other groups) and been a bit toxic myself as a result, but now I think I'm less likely to be toxic than the average person who hasn't had such terrible experiences from being in those groups.

 

[persepexa]

Yeah. I know I keep going on about the Portuguese policy (which may have changed since I heard about, who knows), but again they pay half the person's wages for the first year, making it a good deal for the employer. Also the societal stigma around former prisoners reduced in Portugal and pretty much everyone appreciated the lower crime rate etc., few people wanted to go back to the old punitive system.

I don't agree with your probation officer. Sure, some people reoffend but others will be the last people to make the same mistake twice. I've been in toxic "friendship" groups (and other groups) and been a bit toxic myself as a result, but now I think I'm less likely to be toxic than the average person who hasn't had such terrible experiences from being in those groups.

Yeah it sounds like a great system but I can't move outside the UK or I would be breaking the law. But thank you so much for the suggestion.

Honestly if I found work it wouldn't solve anything it would just give me something to do during the day. I already receive a lot of money from benefits so finance isn't an issue at the moment. My reasons for wanting to CTB are all internal. Even if everyone immediately accepted me and said it's fine, they don't care, I would still want to CTB.

There are no external factors that would need to change. I just don't want to be me anymore I don't want to live my life I don't want anything. My reasons to want to CTB are entirely selfish because they are solely about reducing my pain and discomfort and shame.

 

[ethereal_hobo]

There are no external factors that would need to change. I just don't want to be me anymore I don't want to live my life I don't want anything. My reasons to want to CTB are entirely selfish because they are solely about reducing my pain and discomfort and shame.

At the risk of sounding like a smug mystic, have you tried meditation, mindfulness and all that? Or maybe something easier - distract yourself with music, podcasts and so on. Anyway, I've done meditation on and off for a while, mostly off. At the moment I do it about once a week. If you don't want to do sitting meditation there's walking meditation or just mindfulness techniques like the 54321 technique I think it's called.

Thanks to my unimpressive history of doing some of this stuff sporadically, I sometimes might be walking down a street or something and the usual background mental noise disappears and I feel alive and fully present and kind of "selfless", or at least the self and the world are more intertwined or something. Hard to describe but pretty cool. With more meditation it might be easier to access this kind of state.

On the other hand it's certainly possible to go overboard or just do it wrong and make yourself temporarily deluded or high in some undesirable way (which can be followed by a low). This can be avoided I think, some call it "spiritual pride" and that kind of thing.

I don't have any fixed beliefs really, whether of an "Eastern" or "Western" nature. I used to call myself atheist but now I'm more agnostic really.

Hopefully this post hasn't worsened your mood any!

 

[persepexa]

At the risk of sounding like a smug mystic, have you tried meditation, mindfulness and all that? Or maybe something easier - distract yourself with music, podcasts and so on. Anyway, I've done meditation on and off for a while, mostly off. At the moment I do it about once a week. If you don't want to do sitting meditation there's walking meditation or just mindfulness techniques like the 54321 technique I think it's called.

Thanks to my unimpressive history of doing some of this stuff sporadically, I sometimes might be walking down a street or something and the usual background mental noise disappears and I feel alive and fully present and kind of "selfless", or at least the self and the world are more intertwined or something. Hard to describe but pretty cool. With more meditation it might be easier to access this kind of state.

On the other hand it's certainly possible to go overboard or just do it wrong and make yourself temporarily deluded or high in some undesirable way (which can be followed by a low). This can be avoided I think, some call it "spiritual pride" and that kind of thing.

I don't have any fixed beliefs really, whether of an "Eastern" or "Western" nature. I used to call myself atheist but now I'm more agnostic really.

Hopefully this post hasn't worsened your mood any!

I've done a lot of mindfulness and meditation. I studied a few spiritual and mystical traditions that helped for a little bit. But once I'm done meditating I have to go back to my life and face who I've become. I've done volunteering and stuff but I just felt like a fraud. I didn't feel like I was helping anyone I felt like I was tricking everyone there into thinking I was a good person when I'm not.

I'm glad you used the word deluded because that's the only time I feel okay, when I'm able to delude myself about my life and myself. It doesn't work for me all the time.

It hasn't worsened my mood at all, I appreciate your advice, thank you very much. :)

 

[InvasionOfPublicity]

Anyone else who doesn't want to die, yet has to?

i totally get what you mean and im in a similar position right now. i've been very suicidal for the last 10 years or so and its been something i feel like is permanently bound to my destiny. its all i can envision when i think of any future for myself realistically. i don't want to do it, but i know the alternative is gonna be much worse, which is why im in this place right now.

while i've been suicidal for the longest time, i have recently made the final decision to actually go through and commit to a plan. it feels surreal and im constantly re-thinking my decision, but again i know it's inevitable. i really love creating, making art, drawing, rapping, making beats, writing comics, exploring and connecting with other artists and their work, but the way life is dragging me, there won't be much room for that and i know that eventually i will have to see those things completely dissolve out of my life if i continue to live.

i really resonate with your post, and want you to know that i am with you. i don't want to die yet, for there is so much creativity and passion i have yet to experience. however, i know that i must, because the pain of living and watching the things i love disappear, my passions, my dreams, my ambitions vanishing, is far worse than any death i will face.

 

[kingzen]

Despite my mental issues and despite the torture the world has inflicted on me time and time again, I am still very much aware of the kindness and good this Earth holds. Even if it's hard appreciating at certain points whenever we encounter evil, which for me is often. I love creating, I love doing things that are very specific to the human experience on Earth, that couldn't be replicated even if there was an afterlife. I am fond of my friend. I can live with hallucinations and trauma just fine.

But I still need to die and that is the most frustrating part. There is not a single possibility in which I do not kill myself soon. I am destined to die a painful and messy death and I am destined to do it before 20. There is absolutely no way around it. I wish there was but there simply isn't. It's just so.. frustrating. Your life is supposed to be the one thing you have agency to end any time. So why, why do I not have agency over my own actions? Even now..

Anyone else who doesn't want to die, yet has to?

I don't want to die but economic factors control our lives so much I just can't stand being poor the rest of my life or worse ending up homeless

 

[Zaphkiel]

Not sure. On the one hand, if I never had to work another day of my life and live comfortably, I think that would greatly reduce my desire to die.

However, I've also come to terms with the fact that I am essentially a bag of blood, and even feeling happy is just chemicals and electrical signals firing in a brain. Enjoying life is pointless and arbitrary, and positive emotions are nothing more than a biological illusion.

I'm the opposite.
I dread retirement because i feel like i'd have nothing to do about my days
Althugh i dont really like my job, it....fills the time up?

 

[spacealiens]

Despite my mental issues and despite the torture the world has inflicted on me time and time again, I am still very much aware of the kindness and good this Earth holds. Even if it's hard appreciating at certain points whenever we encounter evil, which for me is often. I love creating, I love doing things that are very specific to the human experience on Earth, that couldn't be replicated even if there was an afterlife. I am fond of my friend. I can live with hallucinations and trauma just fine.

But I still need to die and that is the most frustrating part. There is not a single possibility in which I do not kill myself soon. I am destined to die a painful and messy death and I am destined to do it before 20. There is absolutely no way around it. I wish there was but there simply isn't. It's just so.. frustrating. Your life is supposed to be the one thing you have agency to end any time. So why, why do I not have agency over my own actions? Even now..

Anyone else who doesn't want to die, yet has to?

I wish I had a better life I hope to escape my current reality in whatever way this is possible. Anyhow I wish you the best I hope things get better for you

 

[tiredcatboy]

i feel the same way. i'm passively suicidal and i can appreciate life (what little i have because of my disabilities), but i am also so lonely and in pain i think dying would genuinely stop my suffering.

 

[goldenwitch]

i totally get what you mean and im in a similar position right now. i've been very suicidal for the last 10 years or so and its been something i feel like is permanently bound to my destiny. its all i can envision when i think of any future for myself realistically. i don't want to do it, but i know the alternative is gonna be much worse, which is why im in this place right now.

while i've been suicidal for the longest time, i have recently made the final decision to actually go through and commit to a plan. it feels surreal and im constantly re-thinking my decision, but again i know it's inevitable. i really love creating, making art, drawing, rapping, making beats, writing comics, exploring and connecting with other artists and their work, but the way life is dragging me, there won't be much room for that and i know that eventually i will have to see those things completely dissolve out of my life if i continue to live.

i really resonate with your post, and want you to know that i am with you. i don't want to die yet, for there is so much creativity and passion i have yet to experience. however, i know that i must, because the pain of living and watching the things i love disappear, my passions, my dreams, my ambitions vanishing, is far worse than any death i will face.

I just wish you as much time as possible making your art. Heaven knows, we need people who are willing to put their soul into their craft more than anything right now. I fully understand what you mean though, creation becomes harder and harder as life pulls you away from your passions more and more...

 

[LetMeOut67]

I feel that I haven't chosen suicide
I feel that it's chosen me

 

[Concorde]

I don't want to die, most days even.

But not living is absolutely the easier, softer way. Getting there, however.

 

[Shinobu]

i can sort of relate. i'm passively suicidal. i've had thoughts but never a concrete plan i guess. i've thought of methods but never been able to figure out the effectiveness.

plus i'm gonna be so real, i didn't wanna live to see 18 and here i am now, scrambling to get my life together. mostly bc ive been waiting to die in a way that wont disappoint the people i love.

at least you're able to see the bright side of it. take the good with the bad. nothing but love op.

I feel this so much ive wanted to CTB since i was like 14 and have ben on this forum for a decent amount now, suprisingly ive made it to 18 not because i wanted to but when i go out i want to have accomplished my goal as a fuck you to everyone who thinks id turn out to be nothing. but me wanting to achieve my goal doesnt make me want to live anymore i still hate everything about exsistence i just want people to not call me a failure when i die and blame my death on the fact that i didnt achieve anything rather then the fact that this world is just fucked up and theres no hope anyways