Venting Anyone else about to ctb and then stop because you suddenly wanna fix yourself and change everything?

[black_iris]

I know i want to die. Ive known for so long. But right before im about to do it, its never SI that stops me. Its like a sudden change of heart that stops me and motivates me for the next few days to stop being suicidal. As if im gonna fix everything, but im not and i dont want to. I would much rather ctb.

this happens before i even attempt it. Like ive had a lot of "attempts", like putting the nose around my head but something stops me from dropping. Or when i was at a bridge and i suddenly wanted to live.

Maybe its the bojack horseman "half way down" poem that gets in my head. I feel like if i did fully attempt that i would regret it and want to not do it. But all the rest of the time i really wanna ctb, but when im in the right circumstances i really dont want to ctb.

Anyone else relate?

 

[wereqryan]

I know i want to die. Ive known for so long. But right before im about to do it, its never SI that stops me. Its like a sudden change of heart that stops me and motivates me for the next few days to stop being suicidal. As if im gonna fix everything, but im not and i dont want to. I would much rather ctb.

This happens to me too. I commit to go through with it, but right when I'm about to do it, I start to imagine all these unrealistic what-if scenarios of me overcoming all of my failures and obstacles in life and finally making things work. Even though these scenarios are totally unrealistic (because if my life was fixable, I wouldn't have wasted years and gotten my fix in already), they're enticing enough to pull me back from ending things; such is the strength of our survival instinct!

 

[lpdsvm]

I didn't have it because I have a strict list of reasons. There is nothing to save me from exiting if I fully qualify.
Unless someone all of a sudden gives me a good opportunity.
But I played with a ratchet and partial just because I was curious.

There is nothing to fix once past that. - I won't let any lies enter my head. If SI kicks in after taking SN next time FSH then.
It is hard to control it sometimes but taking SN for real now - No. Playing with a ratchet and partial yeah not SN. It's funny but I know it's not that risky as with SN.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I'm going through this right now. I "attempted" FSH (=wimped out) and took my excited state and made a "decision" not to CTB and to look on the bright side instead. I confessed to my dad and to mental health professionals. I got rid of my rope.

This was foolish. It was the same kind of impulsive, emotion-driven behavior that wrecked my life. I am in misery now, but I somehow have to function.

You can't just go to the free mental hospital for your whole life. There's no "out." I had no idea how trapped you get if you live badly, if you foster a bad mind. The only out is death.

 

[lpdsvm]

I "attempted" FSH (=wimped out)

.

Oooh. I might need a lot of alcohol then to simply lose balance while standing. Maybe alcohol with SN. A blogger did it, and it worked pretty well to a tee.
With SN I might be calling for help. I heard SI can be very tricky and I kinda believe it could be true for me too.
I am a fan of syncope or siphon (never achieved siphon but there are ways to do it if its done in a similar way to syncope - just lazy). If done properly I won't even realize I'm about to sleep.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Oooh. I might need a lot of alcohol then to simply lose balance while standing.

I'm so fuckin scared, man. I am not equal to death. I think I could lie down on a bed and be talked to in gentle tones and receive a euthanasia injection but that's the extent of it. And that is NOT available. I don't even think I could pull the trigger of a gun, let alone buy one without cracking. I thought suicide could be done peacefully, rationally, and maybe for others it can. So many have pulled it off. I would have to be at such an extreme pitch of anguish. And even then, I get weaker, not stronger. I would just curl up in bed and call mental health services. The pain has only increased since I made my big decision NOT to CTB. Of course it has, I've been deteriorating for months (or years, or decades really).

 

[Codename_Joryu]

I get random bursts of motivation to fix my entire life from time to time, that's when I have to remind myself that it's never gonna work and I'll just fail like always.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I haven't attempted before but, I have felt mortal terror a couple of times. I did feel weirdly more enthusiastic about life at those times but, I think it was more the adrenalin rush plus, fear of a painful death- rather than death itself. So- I suppose more SI motivated maybe. That fear briefly motivated me to be more focussed on life initially I guess but, it didn't last long.

 

[GodzillasBiggestFan]

Maybe its the bojack horseman "half way down" poem that gets in my head. I feel like if i did fully attempt that i would regret it and want to not do it. But all the rest of the time i really wanna ctb, but when im in the right circumstances i really dont want to ctb.

Anyone else relate?

this is like what happens to me through most my attempts and i think about that poem a lot too. i always wanna ctb and think about it alot but sometimes in the moment i just get overwhelm with fear.