Venting angel's vent thread - broke my own wings

[squiddedoutt]

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[wannabeangel]

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you're too kind <3 i just feel like it would be wrong of me to get angry with him over my own mistake, because i never wanted to hurt him in the first place it just feels wrong of me to, especially when his emotions were highest and he was rightfully angry, he never truly raised his tone, and still cares about me in some way despite his distrust, i cant be mad at a man like that over something that was my own doing. even tho everything still hurts rn and is confusing, i really appreciate how you're touched by me not trying to turn anything against him and loving him no less, sometimes i feel like the amount i love can be of detriment to me, because i may care *too* much in some times in the past especially that got me hurt, or caring so much that i hurt him has been actually physically straining my heart. but i cant give up love, even if i have to let the one i love go

its hard, especially going back and forth between some online contact, then him disconnecting it again it seems, then coming back to me in VR, it feels like im on a coaster of emotions i cant get off of, because i dont want to be the one to stop the ride and completely lose him, even if he continues to say any serious relationship is over the next morning. it just makes it even harder, i dont want to lose him but i dont want to keep overthinking and crying all the time, but i was the same when we had no contact for a bit either..... so i dont know what's really going on now

its hard when i love him so much too, and a few nights of no sleep and jealousy ended up leading me talking to a few new people, and one of them he's actually really nice and wasnt expecting that to happen from my attempts to self sabotage and just being impulsive, so now i feel stuck all up in that too and i feel like im losing my mind, idk how to deal with all this my brain and body just acts and i deal with the consequences of my thoughts later alone when i have nobody paying attention to me, my ex isnt gonna come back im sure.... but its all so fucking confusing still, love and coping is so hard

the only thing thats kept me breathing this far has been love tho..

 

[wannabeangel]

waiting to see who is gonna interact with me next and/or again on a daily basis is exhausting when i dont wanna hurt anyone... im honestly tired of thinking, i cant die and i cant catch a break, just gonna let myself regress to cope and cling to U for now as my ex husband keeps... i dunno what he's doing but i dont wanna think anymore just be comforted and told what to do by someone older. what other escape do i have rn, i cant peacefully die, i cant keep thinking, im just gonna pretend i cant and dont have to understand anything before i start slitting my own skin open again from not being able to make anything stop. just gonna get high and braindead and watch shows i watched as a kid. i barely slept so i want something soothing....

 

[wannabeangel]

what my ex husband said last night has thrown me into a loop, i cant tell if it was just an in the moment feeling or he actually kind of wants me back, and how he loves how obsessive i am over him..... but after so long of telling me to let go? and after i got myself caught up in the mess i am in now? and how am i supposed to trust he wont change his mind again...? i love him so much..... but why say this as soon as my brain begins to accept it wont be the same again..... why put me back into the cycle on repeat when i have already made actions that will make getting back together even harder let alone how hard it would be even if i didn't speak to anybody..... what the fuck am i supposed to do and what is even going on??? im so lost..... whats the point of anything anymore......

 

[wannabeangel]

need to sleep but wanna vent first..... hate feeling like im stuck sround guys i gave attention while struggling on top of my ex trying to meet in vr again and it was okay until my quest died and i had a crashout lowkey, then while not being able to sleep my first guy friend i made after my divorce kept me up and keeps saying how he loves me and tells me to tell him how i love him so i just feelpressured and idk how to escape that.... the one guy atp that makes me feel the most comfy is U... W is a good friend too but not as safe feeling, but will give me drugs soooooo fuck ugh. i dont know how to cut ppl off without feeling mean.....

i keep wanting to die then stuff my mom says or shows makes me feel too bad to, but god it would be such a easy good ticket out of EVERYTHING i just cant catch a break so i would rather catch the bus. one day maybe i wont be such a pussy and just get it over with somehow

 

[wannabeangel]

i wish i felt like i was truly in control of my life and actions, and not navigating around trying not to make people sad or disappointed or hurt, while i am struggling to figure out any action to make with my life, and don't know how to turn someone down i started interacting with first, i have to figure out excuses to save hearts, it makes me feel wrong and manipulative but all i really wanna do is not hurt people while doing whatever i have to do....