Venting angel's vent thread - broke my own wings

[squiddedoutt]

i wonder how much time i will give myself, another year maybe? see where that takes me? im honestly still indecisive, because i feel so guilty hurting my family and loved ones, but i dont know if i can hold out forever, and im going to get everything i need to do it whenever it is time

god i feel so the same, i want to be all ready when the time comes mentally

but idk if it being in your stomach is important or not, like would it need to be in your stomach acid or is bypassing that fine? idk, i have a feeling it will make no difference besides the inability to drain it or throw it up, which will probably help it be more successful (even tho SN seems naturally reliable)

I read (somewhere i dont recall) on here that the reaction between SN and your stomach acid produces NO which is actually a reason for the relatively quick time to unconsciousness, probably best to get the stomach reaction, I'm not sure anyone has documented putting it directly into the intestine

i dont wanna bother anyone woth it, but at the same time i want ppl to know a little something..

this duality really hits. I really don't want to make people feel bad because of my feeling bad but sometimes its kinda nice to not be suffering silently

SN seems like the best method for me, especially when i will combine it with other meds to calm me and also knock me out more, maybe give myself a nice high before it's all over, i would rather go out high than sober, not have to feel my body at least as much before it all stops. i wonder if i will happen after, if i will go to an afterlife i believe in or if it will be like a dreamless sleep, darkness that cant even be described as darkness as you arent experiencing it, more like nothingness. i guess i will just have to see, either way the pain will be over so it will be a relief

sweet sweet relief , you do have quite the medicine collection, i guess a small bonus given everything you've been through,
about that, after reading through your posts, From my distant eyes as an internet stranger,

You've really been through one hell of a ride.

The typical human experience doesn't include any mental illnesses, that's why they're illnesses. Much less a combination of many. Much less starting in mid-childhood and running strong ever since. Add on everything else that pains you everyday, I couldn't imagine having to deal with physical problems just trying to type on my laptop, it's a lot.

I guess I just wanted to say that. That because of everything you've been through you're strong for being here. Even if you spent every day just effortlessly drifting along with life you would still be strong.
And over all of it you still care deeply enough for how others' feel to question ending your own suffering. That probably feels like a curse holding you here, that's one thing I can relate to. But it is amazing you still care despite every hurt you've felt. How many people who choose to hurt others have gone through less?
I feel confident saying all this just having read your words on a screen. You've lived it.
You don't need to, but I'd say you've death-inetly earned a peaceful end.


I hope you find the best version of what you want, if life or if death. <3



(also, the potion idea would be nice looking C:, at least nicer than a cloudy white salt solution)

 

[wannabeangel]

god i feel so the same, i want to be all ready when the time comes mentally

exactlyyy im glad im not alone in that, it makes me feel safe having "unsafe" items lol

I read (somewhere i dont recall) on here that the reaction between SN and your stomach acid produces NO which is actually a reason for the relatively quick time to unconsciousness, probably best to get the stomach reaction, I'm not sure anyone has documented putting it directly into the intestine

ohhh i would have to look into that! i saw some posts say that you use antiacids to fix the ph of your stomach so the SN doesnt break down, and putting it directly into the jejunum, the part that absorbs the most nutrients or whatever you put in there the fastest. with the nausea med thats recommended usually, it's actually something i tried for my gastroparesis, as it speeds up digestion and lessens bile buildup, so a SN drink will pass through faster, at least thats what i gathered while browsing. maybe i will have to be the one to take one for the team of other suicidal tubies and share my experience with it if/when the time comes

this duality really hits. I really don't want to make people feel bad because of my feeling bad but sometimes its kinda nice to not be suffering silently

ugh fr i hate to make ppl feel bad or worry

sweet sweet relief , you do have quite the medicine collection, i guess a small bonus given everything you've been through,

yeah i got a good collection of prescriptions from over the years of being physically and mentally ill lmfaooo literally one of the only perks to dealing with all my bs

about that, after reading through your posts, From my distant eyes as an internet stranger,

You've really been through one hell of a ride.

The typical human experience doesn't include any mental illnesses, that's why they're illnesses. Much less a combination of many. Much less starting in mid-childhood and running strong ever since. Add on everything else that pains you everyday, I couldn't imagine having to deal with physical problems just trying to type on my laptop, it's a lot.

I guess I just wanted to say that. That because of everything you've been through you're strong for being here. Even if you spent every day just effortlessly drifting along with life you would still be strong.
And over all of it you still care deeply enough for how others' feel to question ending your own suffering. That probably feels like a curse holding you here, that's one thing I can relate to. But it is amazing you still care despite every hurt you've felt. How many people who choose to hurt others have gone through less?
I feel confident saying all this just having read your words on a screen. You've lived it.
You don't need to, but I'd say you've death-inetly earned a peaceful end.


I hope you find the best version of what you want, if life or if death. <3



(also, the potion idea would be nice looking C:, at least nicer than a cloudy white salt solution)

thank you your words really mean a lot to me life really has been one hell of a ride, i dont get why my human experience has to be so... complex. and not even in the fun ways, in the ways that keep you up at night wondering if you could have done anything differently, if that would change where i am right now. it's hard to feel strong, but i know it's a strong thing to keep pushing through all this just by existing, i can tell by how exhausting it feels after so long. i hope i can have a peaceful end no matter what form it comes in

i do with my empathy didnt feel like such a curse at times though, because if i didnt care i would not be in pain much longer, but my heart bleeds love for so many, it's the only thing that's been keeping me alive this long. i know its not a bad thing to be so caring, or hypersensitive (i feel like i fall under what ppl usually call HSP/empaths, and not empath in the meme way empath as in i can tell my mom is anxious over something when she is in the opposite room because i can feel it, groups of people with strong emotions i get quite sensitive to as well) since it does help me understand people better, since i can literally put myself in their shoes, understand what/why/how they're feeling something, and people seem to appreciate that. but its also emotionally draining on myself for so many reasons



i wanna make mine a pretty potion tho if/when i take SN finally, still trying to decide a color lol, maybe pink or blue i like those both


(edit; below this is supposed to be a separate post but they were merged, not related to above replies lol)

i talked to my ex husband again a lil tonight in vr.... god i missed him, i get so many mixed emotions tho, i get anxious that it will just never be the same again. but i love him, so i say yes to him, i would still do anything for him.. he says he's been lonely without me, i've been lonely without him since the day i left... he said first i forget the exact wording but it was more along the lines of "i still somewhat/kind of love you" he worded it like he wasnt sure if he loved me completely again still, but then as we got cozy and close he tells me "i love you" like normal.. i dont know if im overthinking it. i cant put it to words but i had an anxious odd feeling when he said he felt more relieved and less scared after the divorce papers offically went through, and apologized for times he may have snapped at me, im assuming for stuff that he said more like a threat if i was gonna try anything to fight the divorce, but i was never going to do that. my actions broke it, why would i break it more? i do appreciate his apology tho.... but i dont know where we are going from here. do i have to tolerate keeping the love of my life as a fuck buddy in VR? because he cant love me truly again? is it only because others dont treat him the same as me, like he also told me tonight? i dont know whats true or false or right or wrong, i just feel so broken... but at least i have a little part of him again.....

im just listening to my suicide vent playlist and thinking... ugh ending my life means hurting him so fucking much even more than what i've already done, but i really wish i could peacefully make all the pain stop. part of me wants to be open about my thoughts more with him, but im also terrified to, i dont want him to tell my mom and i dont want him scared and worried about me, he was worried enough finding me blacked out in his bathroom the night my life flipped upside down, and how my neck is doing, and im sure he has other worries because i know he is genuinely so caring and loving.... every time we talk again tho it ends up being mainly about sexy stuff,,,, how needy he is for me,,,, i love it but i also get so anxious, like maybe now because of what i've done this is all im good for, a toy that cannot stop bleeding complete unconditional love, despite his love seeming to be pushed easily by conditions. i feel like im bad for thinking this way tho, he always says how he doesnt wanna use me, asks if its okay, i say its okay because it is okay to me, but another part inside me seems to get stirred up, making me feel worried and anxious and like im being bad in some way

im up way too late at night again, well basically morning soon its like 5:30am for me, i was up this long last night too, driving me a little insane, i took an extra 200mg benadryl to hopefully pass out, might eat a little more for fun fuck it, took 4 more just now i wonder if i had enough to see the hat man lmfaooo i hope i get so drowsy. i wish i could lucid dream so i can kill myself in my dream, just to see how it feels

 

[wannabeangel]

hung out with my mom downstairs for a bit because i keep feeling anxious and so exhausted in every way possible about my health, body and circumstances. i cried a lot and it was emotional, it wasnt anything really bad but now the memory of everything said that i wanted to vent about is a blur. i struggle a lot with dissociation, in the past i was dx with DID during one psych ward stay, but i still am in very much denial about it especially with all the stigma, even when shit pops up inside me or around me showing me otherwise, and the fucking memory issues oh my god.... i always forget what i wanted to say when its all over or even while its happening, i dont notice myself shutting off until its too late. i still deny the diagnosis tho even tho it's been documented since i was at leastttt 11yo? but it wasnt fully understood until i was older and more unstable, but i still deny it even when too much shit happens otherwise

i wanted to vent about something she said that made me think about my ctb plans, something about living idk its so foggy, but it just made me think about all my thoughts that turned into backup planning more seriously. i wish i remembered what she said. i vented about being so fucking tired tho.. she keeps pushing me to hang in there and keep trying but.... i dont know how long i can try for

now that my ex is talking to me again things are extra confusing..... i cant tell if he loves me or just misses the intimacy of the past.... i wish i could vent to him about my thoughts, but i dont want him feeling guilty, especially if i actually go through with it and this isnt some very bad phase. but with my health i feel so hopeless just with that alone, and my trauma from wards and hospitals and so much is a burden to carry in my mind. i dont want to hurt anyone tho....... thats the part that stops me, if i didnt have to worry about it i would be dead already

that reminds me how her boyfriend during a talk with me said that if i was left alone on the street, that im strong and would pull myself up, find a job, and figure it out. i just stayed quiet and nodded slightly, because i couldnt admit if i had nobody then the reasons im still alive are completely gone, and i can go worry free, and it would be bliss. if i was homeless i would probably have to jump, but i am so close to the city, so many extremely tall buildings that are almost impossible to survive, its a train ride away. i can enjoy the buzzing life of the city, another place that feels like home even if i dont go out there all the time, its so full of life, they call it the city that never sleeps for a reason, i wish i could live there honestly

if i could actually live life, i would love having a shitty apartment all to myself, where i can do my art, and hopefully have an electric wheelchair so i can go down the streets to anywhere i want, and be free. but i dont know if i will ever have that opportunity, everything feels so hopeless. i dont know how to function as a human being

im just sobbing thinking of everything, what my mom said, what her boyfriend said about if i didnt have anyone to help me, my mom bringing up how she thinks that i blame myself for my illness or that im faking it, when i feel that way because people made me to think that. now i have memories of sobbing in pain dragging myself along the psych ward floor because the doctors thought i was faking it and my hip wasnt out of place and i wasnt having SI joint nerve pain, and didnt let my parents help me. its humiliating. too many times i was treated like less than human for things i couldnt control, i was punished for my own pain, told it was a bunch of other psych issues like BPD or schizotypal or MDD with psychotic traits and overmedicated me, causing a bunch of new issues, more trauma while trying to figure things out, feeling like im going insane as the antipsychotics they gave me made me actually hallucinate and dissociate more. so many times i have been told its all in my mind, so now even with proof its not my head its my body, i still dont believe it, then i get so FUCKING ANGRY for little child angel, she had no clue what was going on, she just felt broken, and it had to be her fault, people told her its her fault, told her she was selfish for cutting and wanting to ctb, which made little angel cry and cut even more

i keep mourning the person i could have been, if people actually understood what was going on with me the correct way, and treated me properly. now i am 23, stuck in bed for most of the day every day besides doctors appointments, feeling like the teen i used to be inside, slitting her wrist and thigh for relief, wondering why she is this way, wishing it would all be over with. but i cant cut, i dont want to be put into a ward again, and i dont want to be caught at all and make my mom scared again. i traumatized my family with my own suffering, and i hate myself for it. that makes ctbing hard because i know my exit will traumatize them even more..... god i fucking hate myself, i wish i could just make the pain end.....

im crying too much so gonna end this vent here but..... fuck. everything is so exhausting and confusing, i dont know how to deal with this

 

[wannabeangel]

cried a lot more, been adding on to my last notes i would give my loved ones, cried even more. but i got my ambien finally to 10mg thru my J tube so hopefully it works fast, im so tired and emotional i wanna sleep

as i relax im gonna draw vent art of different methods because why not! if you have a suggestion of a method i should draw feel free to suggest, i keep having art block. i end up looking at shock sites for refs/inspo

 

[squiddedoutt]

i wish i had more comfort to give than digital screen words, i guess more than words in general

it sounds really rough for you right now, like a huge hurricane of emotions, i'm glad you can find a little spot in the eye of the storm (what would we do without drugs),
I hope you drift nicely out of today, even if tomorrow may not be much better.

<3



i always thought dying on a beach far away from people would be nice
what about someone slipping away from SN in the windows lock screen cove

 

[wannabeangel]

i wish i had more comfort to give than digital screen words, i guess more than words in general

it sounds really rough for you right now, like a huge hurricane of emotions, i'm glad you can find a little spot in the eye of the storm (what would we do without drugs),
I hope you drift nicely out of today, even if tomorrow may not be much better.

<3

thank you you sharing that you wish to give more comfort is more than enough, really

it has been really rough lately, i feel like a confused mess rn. i dont know what to do with my life or when to end my life, so its all so overwhelming

im hoping my sleep meds knock me out this time, im gonna be sad if they dont, sleep meds are rough and weird with me, i get used to them too easily

i always thought dying on a beach far away from people would be nice
what about someone slipping away from SN in the windows lock screen cove

View attachment 199214

going to the beach to die would be lovely, where i live there are plenty of beaches, they usually are often windy or cold unless prime summer hours, a lockscreen could be good enough lol, or maybe i just use my VR to see a beach as i slip away

 

[wannabeangel]

struggling because the ambien didnt work.... trying my amitriptyline again, might just tell my mom it works even if it doesnt so i can stockpile them as my backup method, might add it to my SN recipe with the benzos for extra sedation, i'll do some pharmaceutical research when i have the motivation. i wish i had a decent opioid to OD on, i only have tramadol and that will just cause a seizure while i OD, i dont want that. ik opis arent recommended for SN protocols because of how they slow the GI track, but i feel like my feeding tube bypasses that issue. im scared about it burning or making me cramp, but usually meds dont make me cramp if im slow and use warm water, and vodka in my J burns less if i water it down. i may have to use a bit more water than suggested to do that tho, or maybe just push very slowly? idk :| maybe i could put a numbing solution into the liquid as well, minimize any burning. tbh im sure it wont burn any more than most of the meds i got thru and IV before (benadryl burns, some painkillers burn, and i think it was potassium or something that shit burned a lot) if it's that level of burning i can handle it, i know i can

my mom is making me a snack and idk if she is gonna hang out in my room with me cuz i was texting her emotionally saying i dont wanna be alone, but i also wanna listen to my suicide playlist and cry, but i needed her help with meds to sleep, she gave me ami and my extra strong muscle relaxer thru my J tube, im praying i can rest before my pain management appointment

i spent a lil time in vr with my ex again too, we only cuddled until he fell asleep and i was just trying not to cry the whole time, petting the cheek of his avatar while imagining his real face next to me in bed, like how it used to be.... and thinking about how much i will miss him, and how much i miss the future we could of had together if i wasnt stupid thinking selling pics of myself secretly to fix finacial guilt + trauma made me feel like its the one thing im good at/my only worth, didnt stop like i wanted to so fucking badly now our future is broken and wont be the same.... holding him i thought about how he would feel if i was dead, i know it will hurt him so much, i dont wanna hurt him more than i already have..... and im scared he will just follow in my footsteps...... i really want him to live a happy, healthy life like i know he can, i want the image of him holding his handgun to his head to stop being flashed into my mind intrusively by my horrid imagination. and god if he tried and survived... i dont want him disabled, especially not from an attempt gone wrong. i want him happy and good..... i want him to be able to move on, find better joy elsewhere.....

i had a sick thought tho.... a part of me kinda wishes, if me and him decided that we both really want to CTB, then maybe we do it together..... its sick but fuck its so romantic, i wanted to die with him. i wanted to in the way of us growing old together, but if life is such a mess and we both cant figure out how to keep going forward but love each other so much, then we can go together in peace, cuddled together arms locked around each other, final kisses and prayers, us comforting eachother as the SN takes over (im not allowing him to use a gun, i dont like guns) and sharing our final breaths...... is that fucked of me? i saw a video the other day of a couple who FSH themselves together, and god the way she held onto him after they stepped off the chairs before she i assumed finally fainted and let go.... i think im gonna rewatch it. idk if its good to be looking at these things, or wrong of me imagining if that was me and him, or any suicide vid i imagine if it was me. i wish i could find more SN videos for more reference that are people following the actual protocol, but im sure there arent many vids out there in the first place

ugh. i feel like there is something wrong with me, how can i care and feel so much, yet have twisted thoughts, indulge in the morbid, think violent things (even if i would never do them), and dark desires that are masochistic, ill, and cause harm to both myself and others (even when i just do things only to myself, it ends up harming those i care about) that i wish i could give into even a liiiiiittle bit, but im trapped by what is expected of me, and what people want for me because they care about me, but im.... idk where i was going with this, im just so lost, so fucking lost

sometimes i wish i could run away with someone i become friends with, maybe with the same desires as me, and just go fucking wild before its time to say goodbye for good. then maybe my family will have something to direct their anger towards instead of themselves, "blaming" the person i ran off with instead of themselves, so hopefully they can heal slightly easier without self blame. i would rather die comfy at home, but this other option i might daydream about a little more...

i feel like such a messed up freak under the mask of a troubled but strong girl/young woman, if only people knew every thought in my head, every desire, every pain, every memory, maybe they would understand why i want to leave this world so badly. i never felt human, i always just wore the skin of one, and that skin i used to slice open just to bleed out drips of my true authentic self, my true feelings and what i am under my skin, the pain i feel made visible. now my skin-suit's scars have faded, showing how long it has been since it started and since it "ended". i keep my good girl mask on as i resist the urge to make fresh scars, since i cant get out of this life already

 

[wannabeangel]

my pain management appointment fucking sucked today, too much shit happened but i will try to sum it up quickly

- been taking extra tramadol like the hospital said to do that my doctor agreed to, they put on paper to increase it and when i get my refill to up my dose
- go in, explain im out two weeks early and why
- doctor says he cant refill it, that i shouldnt have listened to the hospital and taken more than what they said (even if my doctors agreed to do that), said that people have been dropped for doing that sorta thing which scared me. he even said i shouldnt have taken the stronger pain meds home from the hospital even tho it was only a supply for a few days, a week at most.
- well fuck cant get my tramadol filled or changed for two weeks
- lady walks in mid appointment, says my appointment is cancelled because i had no referral. never needed one before in my over a year of going to these doctors so WTF. i break down crying because it feels hopeless
- lady was nice and tried to comfort me at least, they went out to talk about it because my mom was also like wtf.
- bit of time passes, i finish up my appointment anyways, the guy i was talking to for my meds walks out to call the other doctors i usually see, because he was a fill in because i missed my first appointment cuz i just got out of the hospital and was in too much GI pain from all the drugs they gave me that didnt help my pain enough
- doctor comes back in, explains again he cant fill or change my tramadol, thankfully i can get my lyrica filled and was given two new meds to try, one thats a different muscle relaxer i guess, another one that should keep me from withdrawals. okay, cool, progress?
- lady comes back and they said they'll give a one time courtesy and we just have to pay, okay cool
- finish up everything, go to the desk to pay. copay is fucking $150. i have no money, and my mom doesnt have that much money, we are paycheck to paycheck rn
- me and my mom are both stressed about this bullshit, it took what felt like forever for my mom to call my other doctors to get a quick referral so we can actually leave, because they wouldnt just bill us. thankfully she got it and only had to pay $20
- driving to pharmacy, thinking everything is working out, my mom went in to make sure stuff was being filled, she was in there for quite a long time so i assumed it was good
- it wasnt. my insurance now apparently doesnt support walgreens anymore over some bullshit change that nobody was made aware of. no meds now.
- mom had to call the doctors to try and change it, she doesnt have a number directly to the doctor, and it keeps going to voicemail. she left one and i have to pray the doctor changes where my meds are fast enough.


now im at home trying to let the muscle relaxers and bullshit i do have work, praying the last of my tramadol i took this morning doesnt wear off too fast, and praying my neck and back dont start spasming or aching even more

i told my mom tho if i end up not getting anything in time i dont want to go to the hospital not even if i WD because fuck it, i was left dragging my subluxed hip across the ground, completely unmedicated for any pain, while my parents and ward staff watched as they assumed i was faking it and being dramatic, and didnt have a genetic condition that will cause me lifelong issues. i can fucking deal with it if you could watch me deal with it in there.

in the ward they would take my wheelchair away at night, and my room was alllll the way at the end of the hall, i am too much of an anxious person, and even had my clothes denied from me in other wards, left in paper gowns for days while everyone else had their clothes, so asking for it back felt so hard, and i had to walk all the way to the nurse desk to ask for it back. so i gave up on asking for it, i pushed through the pain, dragged myself when necessary. god its pathetic..... but if i could do that at.. i think i was 16? maybe 15? i can deal with not having my meds no matter how much pain im in. pain is part of existing for me, i dont remember a time where i felt no pain in my body, i've been complaining about pain since my childhood thats now a blur, and pain has only gotten worse as i grow older.

its like i was born to feel pain, and cursed by not being allowed to end it.


while waiting outside while my mom was calling doctors to avoid paying 150, i rolled my wheelchair as far away as i could, both to get in the sun and a better view of the highway near by. i watched the fast cars, especially the trucks, and wondered what it would be like to just run over there and get hit by one. putting me out of my misery finally. i whispered for life to show me a sign to end it, i dont know what that sign will be tho

 

[wannabeangel]

god all i can think about is CTB lately, idk if its becoming a new hyperfixation because of how i feel, i just cant get my brain to focus on anything else. im gonna do some research on SN and also other medications, see if there are any tweaks in the usual protocol i can make that would be best for me, im wanting a quick and painless death, at least quick in the way that i'll pass out before SN fully takes over, and i need to figure out if doing it through my J tube is the best or not. im thinking it is for me, but someone's comment about it burning or causing cramping made me nervous. but i cramp all the time anyways so....

i made a document to put down all the info i find, if i come up with anything decent maybe i'll share it in a new thread, i want to find a lot of info first tho, both thats prob already shared here but info for extra meds that could be good added or substituted, gotta dig into the pharmaceutical side of shit. i always loved doing that sort of thing honestly, i love science of all kinds, when i was little i either wanted to be a scientist or a vet to take care of hurt animals, i dont know if my mind and body would allow me to do those things anymore. i indulge when my brain gets something to focus on, when i got really into space astronomy was all i could think about, and astrophysics, i have quite a few books and even went to talks in the city with niel degrasse tyson because i was obsessed with the space shows he was in. when i was homeschooled i went to a very big lab that's near where i live, its a national lab they even got a particle accelerators and shit its so cool, they had classes and i got to put jellyfish DNA into e.coli and make glowing bacteria, bioengineering as a 13yo lol! one of my science fair projects was taking DNA out of different fruits, showing how different fruit had like different amounts of visable DNA or some shit i dont remember exactly what my point was, childhood is a blur in many spots, but i got a hella good grade. when i started getting interested in drugs of alllllll kinds ;3 even before i tried many i was hooked into researching them, how they work, the toxicology, how it effects your brain and body short and long term, harm reduction and proper dosing and ways of taking it safely, all of the yards off of em. so anytime i dabble in things, because i can do what i want with my body and deserve a break from the pain it causes me 24/7, i am way too informed. now that my brain is like SUICIDE!!!!!!!!!!! my natural urge to collect data and work with it is taking over, as well as only being able to focus on content related to it in any way

i literally cant focus on stuff i want to, i cant even draw normal things i just wanna draw myself dying in different ways, but my symptoms keep making it hard to draw, so i go on here and read, research in other places, watch videos of suicides of all kinds because i have a lot of backup options. i lowkey feel like im reverting to my teen years where i used to watch gore to desensitize myself to intrusive harm-OCD thoughts, since my imagination is so visual and detailed, intrusive thoughts are like flashes of graphic images of bad things happening, either me hurting someone or someone getting hurt, like i saw my little brother in my mind get hit by the truck that sped by us because he was a little close to the edge of the road, sending me into an instant panic attack. another time i was helping my at-the-time stepdad put down these metal stakes for a wired fence, and saw an image of me stabbing him in the back with them, high res HD 4k images forced into my mind by who knows what. had to put down the stuff and go inside. i could go on and on. the gore videos helped me not have an instant breakdown anymore seeing the images in my mind, but now those same videos torment me in dreams rarely. i used videos and pics of self harm for a similar reason, but it was to avoid doing it to myself because of how much i missed seeing myself in that condition, i still have over 200 pics and vids saved on my phone of just self harm. is it sick of me? probably. has it kept me clean so far? yes! do some deep ones trigger phantom pain in the big scar on my thigh where i hit a nerve that made me see white? yeah it did once i stopped looking for awhile..... maybe i can desensitize myself again tho

im just rambling now waiting for the time to pass trying to ignore my neck slowly starting to hurt more, and trying not to cry over my ex and how badly i just want my pain to just END. i could be an angel.... when i was younger i could feel the wings on my back, when i focus i can still feel them, but i try not to focus too often because then laying on my back is hard. god no wonder they labled me as schizotypal, or "schizotypal traits" when i was younger, because of my beliefs and my experiences. im aware not everyone sees reality the same, and that my reality isnt the same as other human's realities, and that mine might even be false in a way, but who is really the judge of what is false or not when it comes to belief? or faith? might as well put every religious person into a ward, thinking there is a man in the sky talking to them (not shaming, i believe in God too, my full understanding currently is complex, to say the least) but when i can feel energy or spirit, be able to sometimes change or manipulate things (it came so much more naturally as a child, before all the meds and trauma), have different parts inside of me that arent me, and can see different energies, im suddenly crazy? i mean typing it all out like that, the rational side of this angel brain can see how that looks... not so sane, to say the least, i can understand that tho, so wouldn't that make me not crazy? it doesnt stop what i experience, or what i make of it, and what signs show me, but its not like a full psychosis i dont believe. i get scared of any schizo type of diagnosis tho, as antipsychotics made me feel like a zombie and sometimes made me hallucinate even more. i had episodes in wards occasionally where i would see things, and i couldnt stop myself from reacting like it was real, even though that rational angel brain is stuck in the back just watching.. thinking "hey!! it wont hurt us!! its okay!!" but i just kept watching me reacting, until i was given meds and thrown into the "quiet room" with this blob-ish morphing translucent... thing with tendrils that attached to the corners of the wall and just flowed around, light like feathers. it felt like it was taunting me tho, and i was watching myself argue with it. some hallucinations when i was on the wrong meds were lighthearted, i got up to go bathroom and it was dark, i saw this white fuzzy ball on the floor and i didnt know what it was so i kicked it, and it went *poof* almost like a dandelion puff ball but fur, that faded away into nonexistence. then i realized it wasnt a reall fluff ball lol. other hallucinations that are usually scary ended up becoming chill for me too, the last one i had cuz of my ambien while i still was living with my ex, i was in the bathroom and saw a tall dark shadow figure standing behind me in the mirror, i just nodded to them with a smile and that was my sign to go to bed. another time when i was younger i woke up to a large cat with red eyes at the foot of my bed, and i was only frustrated that it woke me up, threw a pillow and went back to sleep. so im usually pretty good with anything i see, i like to see the things i see because of my mind is like another layer of reality that i just so happen to have filtered over my lenses, while others do not, or may have different filters. it's interesting when people share the same or similar filters tho, which then ties into more of my spiritual beliefs tied into everything, besides more psychological lenses

i dont know where i was going with this, i think im just yapping. i hope there is at least one person who appreciates the little peeks into my mind and thinking, that would make me happy. anyone is allowed to ask questions, or share their own thoughts btw, just because this is my vent thread doesnt mean ur not allowed to comment or add input, or even strike a convo about something i mentioned, i enjoy interaction even if im a socially anxious and awkward weirdo, but im friendly c:

when i used to go to school (dropped out in like 9th grade due to my physical and mental health, started mainly due to mental health then physical shit took over and made mental worse) and the kids there thought i would be a bully because i dressed emo, black swooped dyed hair that was flat ironed, teased and hair sprayed + extentions cuz my mom was also kinda emo/alt and she loves me, spiked choker and belt, knee high converse, black eyeliner, the whole thing lmaooo idk how it made me look like a bully cuz it just made me get bullied, but i made friends once i had to sit at a table with a group, and my friends literally told me "i thought you would be mean at first because you dress scary but you're actually really nice, just quiet!" hahahaha that really sums me up, i was called no-smile by one girl because i wasnt smiling in class, i was just focusing, so maybe i got a resting bitch face, or just dont look happy/pleased/comfortable when im just existing, but when people talk to me they realize it isnt the case, im just kinda weird. maybe its the highly likely autism, i still need a formal assesment tho, but my psych i had since 8 after talking more about it said it was highly likely, and my brother is already dx and was dx thru him so i trust my psych, he's been here through all my bullshit and got me the meds i need. sadly, some of the meds he has given me over the years may be used to end my life, but that isnt his fault, it's no one's fault

thinking back about school, i find it kinda funny how even tho i was bullied for how i dressed and expressed myself, it just made me be more weird out of spite. when i was little little the bullying got to me a lot, and some bullying did still get to me. but shit like teasing in the halls, getting barked at cus i am wearing a dog collar and real fur fox tail, i would bark right back! that shut them up quick hehe. one girl in workshop threw a paper ball at me, i looked her in the eyes, picked up the paper ball, took a bite of it, chewed and spit it out while still looking her in the eye, tossed the ball towards the trash and kept working. bam! no more paper balls thrown, her reaction was priceless, the look on her face made me happy, i started to enjoy being the freak show that weirded people out, because then the genuine people stuck around me and others were repelled. i miss those days, walking was a bit easier and i could ride my bike still, it was fun, but my mental and physical health tore it apart since 6th grade

i wrote way too much maybe oops, im gonna go back to researching while listening to my vent playlist of only suicide related songs because i dont want to listen to anything else, i need to find more songs to add tho

 

[wannabeangel]

blasting music in my ears while trying to research, and getting distracted by venting a little in the doc my ex husband still reads, i turned it up extra loud and it reminded me of being in the car with him, he always blasts the music so loud. im sensitive to it but never told him to turn it down even if it hurt, now the hurt from my airpods that he gave me hurts in a different way. i cried a lot. found another song that just hit me, i dont listen to this artist a lot, but i feel it.

oh my god when i went to look for a vid of it to link i got an ad for the SN i plan on buying LMAO oh how i love how everything tracks me, got the digital overlords looking over me showing me sales for the best things to kms with, thank you digital demons *cough* overlords!

Spoiler: lyrics & my thoughts

Yeah
This is the end, this is the end, this is the end of me
Playin' pretend that I'm available emotionally
I'm off a Benz, goin' 'round bends could be the death of me
I'm not ready, I'm not ready

Spoiler: thoughts

feels like im playing pretend that im available when he wants me after divorcing me over what i've done, when him contacting, feeling a hint of connection again, and him then turning away and making it clear he wont love me the same again. the other night when he fell asleep in VR with me, i muted myself and just cried as he snored
i take the Benz line as instead of a car, the amount of benzos i keep taking to try and make myself feel better in some way, it could of been the death of me when i blacked out in his bathroom, i was lucky not to hit my head

Maybe I'm the best mistake you ever made
It sounds so fuckin' beautiful when you say my name
I'm praying to a God, a God I don't believe
The more I hide my scars, the easier I bleed

Spoiler: thoughts

i feel like this is self explanatory, but i do believe in God, in my own way. i hope im the best mistake in the way that the good memories outweigh my mistakes that ruined us

But maybe I'm the worst, the worst you ever had
Tell you you're beautiful, then stab you in the back
You're prayin' I'm the one, but maybe I'm a curse
The more you try to fix me, the more you make it worse
Could you love me at my worst?

Spoiler: thoughts

i feel like i stabbed him in the back with what i did, while i love him so fucking hard. he means so much to me, and im sure he thought i was the one, and it pains me i ruined it all. i wish he could love me at my worse, but i dont think he can. i feel like i cursed him by making him love me

Could you love me even though that, that it hurts?
Could you love me? Could you love me?
Could you love me at my worst?

Yeah
Don't try to call, do not disturb, I do not want to speak
This is the end, demons are friends, angels are enemies
I'm just a fool, stuck in the past, your worst memories
I'm not ready for you to forget me

Spoiler: thoughts

i found myself getting so anxious at his texts when he was still actually texting me, before we broke contact fully for awhile until recently. its been kinda making me anxious again, because we dont really talk, its me making him feel comfy again while i will never get that again.... i am a fool stuck in the past, made his worse memories of the worst heartbreak, but i also dont want him to forget me...
angels are enemies because i am my own worst enemy

I know that I'm the best mistake you ever made
It sounds so fuckin' beautiful when you say my name
I'm prayin' to a God, a God I don't believe
I showed you all my scars that I let nobody see​

But maybe I'm the worst, the worst you ever had
Tell you you're beautiful, then stab you in the back
You're prayin' I'm the one, but maybe I'm a curse
The more you try to fix me, the more you make it worse
Could you love me at my worst?

Could you love me even though that, that it hurts?
Could you love me? Could you love me?
Could you love me at my worst?​

This is the end, this is the end, this is the end of me
This is the end, this is the end, this is the end of me​

But maybe I'm the worst, the worst you ever had
Tell you you're beautiful, then stab you in the back
You're prayin' I'm the one, but maybe I'm a curse
The more you try to fix me, the more you make it worse
Could you love me at my worst?

Could you love me even though that, that it hurts?
Could you love me? Could you love me?
Could you love me at my worst?​

But maybe I'm the worst, the worst you ever had
Tell you you're beautiful, then stab you in the back
You're prayin' I'm the one, but maybe I'm a curse
The more you try to fix me, the more you make it worse
Could you love me at my worst?​

This is the end, this is the end, this is the end of me​

i have been waiting until the time i know he gets home from work to take my sleep meds.. just incase he leaves me a note in our google doc, i wrote a lot that may be a little concerning... but havent been open fully about my desires to CTB, not with anyone who could stop me. i only opened up a little bit to a friend i met in VR, the guy helping me try to eat more and do good things for my health, it helped a little bit, but now i feel so unmotivated, im only letting my mom set up my tube feeds and get me other food to make her happy. if i had it my way i would just starve so i can be back to BMI 13.9 (i was like around 93-92lbs while being 5'8"/173cm) and i enjoyed it, and i wish it would've killed me. if i cant get myself to end my life how i want, maybe i can let my stupid eating disorder i had since i was 11 kill me off. my family thinks i dont have one, and my symptoms are only gastroparesis and ARFID from that, but if i was honest i would be diagnosed as anorexic in the mental way real quick. i wont let that happen tho. not eating gives me control over my body, the little control i do have, so i like to enjoy that control. but i cant do it right now, i need to wait until i seem medically "stable" enough and going to less appointments, then i can go back to normal and feel the relief of feeling light again

im rambling a lot again waiting for the time to pass, its past midnight now tho, usually my ex husband would be home any minute now, i'll set up my sleep meds for my j tube now and try to relax

 

[wannabeangel]

wow i actually knocked out from my sleep meds for once, i hate waking up though..... every time i wake up i wish i didn't, sleep is my only escape. i woke up so nauseous and filled two farrell bags (drainage bags for my feeding tube to get out excess bile and gas) full of gas build up and bile just from eating a little pancake as a treat. i fucking hate this body, i try to let myself still enjoy food despite gastroparesis but it always makes me sick, it makes me hate eating and hate living even more

every time i wake up i am reminded of my terrible body and how my fucked up life is right now, and how im not waking up in bed to the love of my life, i wake up to a empty room i thought i finally escaped, with all the memories of how i ruined it all. i hate myself so much.....

i might try to nap again, idk, i still feel tired but my room is so bright now

when i was being emotional to my mom because i just woke up so nauseous, told her "i wish i could just sleep forever" and my mom said "that would be dead" i couldn't tell her that i knew that and wanted that so i just cried a bit more. i really wish one day i never wake up, i can't wake up next to the man who motivated me to wake up each morning so then i dont want to wake up at all. every time my eyes open i feel panicked like something is terribly wrong, and it's true, everything is terribly wrong. i ruined my only source of hope

 

[wannabeangel]

i got my lyrica today and took 300mg and i feel so good, im so thankful i got that finally, i dont have my other new pain med tho, its called belbuca hopefully it works too. i looooooove lyrica tho i finally have relief from the pain in my neck, and it lasts sooooo long. its weird that today ended up feeling good after taking it and getting high, the weather was nice so i went outside with my parents and brother, we talked and had fun chillin, my parents went inside to start cooking dinner so it was just me and my brother and we talked for a long time about a ton of things, his interests and ideology, our past as kids both good and bad things, especially ranting about living with my dad and now ex stepmom, they would fight a lot and it was scary, my stepmom even choked my dad i saw the red marks but on the phone she LIES and says she doesnt do anything wrong, she lies about my dad not paying child support or something when my dad showed my mom the fucking screenshots of all the money he did send. she makes my two lil brothers (half brothers but idc about that, they're my brothers, i helped raise them) feel terrible, puts them on meds even tho she saw how i grew up overmedicated and how badly that affected me, now she's doing the same to them. even my youngest brother is struggling so much, and even tried to CTB and he's only around 9-10 years old... (i feel like a terrible sister for not remembering their ages omfg at least my mom will ask my dad for me, my stepmom blocked me so i cant see many childhood pics anymore) i dont want my little brothers to be in so much pain they resort to that, i dont want them to end up like me, they deserve a good life

god my memory being so shitty makes me feel like a terrible person in general, i try to write stuff down, but sometimes i forget to even do that. i wish i was better, and had a clear memory of everything. im sure my brain is just trying to block out the emotional pain, but i hate how my childhood is a blur. my brother said "of course it's a blur you were always on meds" which is true... i started seeing my psychologist at 8 years old because of my severe anxiety issues, hOCD, and overall me being a scared anxious child who wants to run away from anything that's stressful or overwhelming, like literally running away. i remember sobbing so hard, idk why, but i was trying to run out of the school and i was running down the stairs but a teacher grabbed me and i was just breaking down begging to be let go. then as my self harm started and psych ward visits became more often and more symptoms showing up, i was given so many meds for years since 8, many that gave me more issues, some made me hallucinate a LOT more, others had other weird symptoms i dont exactly remember. one time it looked like i had some sorta seizure, i remember the moment but dont remember the seizure, i just remember saying "im tired" and something else and tried to go to sleep, but apparently as my mom was talking to me because i was stressed, and i just went still and quiet while my eyes rolled back? then i snapped out of it and tried to go nap like nothing happened. as i got a lil older when i would have severe panic attacks (im pretty sure it was meltdowns) and my body would start to move in ways i cant control and are uncomfortable, and how my hands would posture my mom worried it was seizure like activity. it happened when i would be too overwhelmed, one time in the psych ward it happened alone in my room and i was so frustrated my body was doing this, because i was always aware during this "seizure" meltdowns, i got myself out of it by forcing my body to grab a colored pencil, broke it in half, and scratched hard on my arm, kinda trying to redirect the energy that is making my body so terrible, it helped stop the attack. as i got older i started to tic more, and after a over 2 or 3 hour long tic attack with screaming, hitting myself or just my arms and legs jutting out or hitting other things, and my brain was latching onto words to tic from things i hear around me or think, which made "SHUT UP" a very common one because i want myself to stfu. otherwise, its just noises, head jerks, face twitches where one side of my face feels like its being pulled. then i got diagnosed with tourettes, they thought my episodes were psychogenic nonepileptic seizures (PNES) or functional neurological disorder. but my tics became clearer outside of big episodes, but i still had bad episodes of tic attacks, and i believe my past "seizure" meltdowns were tic attacks being triggered by extreme emotions, and the tics just idk changed with time. some tic attacks tho leave me laying down contorted while i have vocal tics until my throat hurts, and i end up hitting myself somehow enough times to make bruises. not very fun :/ thankfully in recent time tic attacks are less often, but i kinda have mini ones but they arent as bad thankfully



even tho i had a good time today, i still feel the desire to CTB, and i feel really guilty about it, but i cant stop myself from wanting it, even now with my meds taking away a really good amount of my pain, and i got a new med that should be here tomorrow for severe persistent pain, but i know that it's not really fixing anything, and i know that the most likely outcome is me just getting worse, my childhood showed me my body and mind will just get worse, old dreams ripped away from me. i still need to figure out my perfect exit for when i cant keep going on in this body, and im gonna experiment and figure out the best protocol for me. i already know how good 300mg makes me feel, 600mg awhile ago made me nod out and fall asleep. i feel like pregabalin would be a nice addition with the benzos, 300mg makes me feel drunk but a clear headed drunk, i feel really good still it lasts a looooong time. im gonna add it to my notes im making about SN, i wanna make sure i feel good and pass out before the SN starts to work. my mind is still so focused on death even when i have good moments, i know the bad will always come back, and maybe come back even worse than before. so i need an option to escape this whole mess. i feel so bad that it will hurt my family tho, they will be heartbroken, and i wont be able to protect my little brothers..... and even my full blood brother as we were talking today, he said he runs on spite and anger to not kill himself basically, which made me worry more. he was dx early with autism, but he's high functioning but still struggles especially with emotions, some tasks and also social interaction, so we both relate with a lot of things even tho my neurodivergence expresses differently, most likely because im female and apparently girls express it a bit differently sometimes (besides high support needs autistics with other intellectual disabilities) so its prob why i was dx wiith half of the fucking DSM either offically or listed as "traits" like fuck it lemme share some pics of documents about me

Spoiler: some of my diagnosis docs + a bit of a report from a psych describing me

if you actually read thru all this congrats have a cookie :3 if u opened the spoiler now do u see how they wanna diagnose me with fucking EVERYTHING why do i have to be this way fr, and there are so many duplicates when i look in my health portal apps like bro u dont gotta list the same thing 5 times

god i wrote so much i didnt mean to do THAT much lmfaooooo the lyrica high kinda makes me chatty or rambley XD i literally just type words that are in my mind. i doubt someone will read thru all of this tbh but thats okay, im still getting it out somehow. im gonna try to relax and take my sleep meds soon. im kinda waiting for my ex husband to read what i wrote in our shared doc that he lets me use as a diary to cope with the divorce and everything, i write under the "last" letter he wrote me. he should be home soon... god i miss him so fucking much. im gonna stop writing now before this gets way too long like it already is